


The way you look at me

by Araliya_Min



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, For like two minutes, K-pop References, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mild Smut, OT12 - Freeform, Self-Harm, Slight BaekYeon, Slight Chandara, Slight homophobic language, So much angst, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-28 13:02:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 111,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12607232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Araliya_Min/pseuds/Araliya_Min
Summary: Byun Baekhyun was confident about finding the perfect person for him; be it girl or boy, he didn’t care, as long as there was love between them. Baekhyun might have read too many romance novels and watched too many romance movies but he had enough fictional experience to know how it feels like to fall in love at first sight. He expected to get butterflies in his stomach, expected to feel his heart beating like crazy, to feel goosebumps and shivers on his skin, expected to get that feeling; the one where the world comes to a standstill and Baekhyun and his lover are the only ones left conscious, they see their entire life, what they were, what they are and what they could be and will be flash across each other’s eyes.But he didn’t expect all of these to happen when he saw one Park Chanyeol on the happiest day of his life and he certainly didn’t expect for his heart to flutter every day for him even after his true love glared at him with all the hate in the world and spoke the foulest words.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work I'm posting here and I'm nervous as hell but glad I'm finally DOING IT!!!  
> I hope u guys enjoy this but i gotta warn u there's lotta angsty stuff here so brace urself.  
> Also, I dedicate this to Chil who gave me the idea and encouraged me to write. Chanbaek forever! Lv ya!  
> Thank u so much and hope u enjoy!

“How many times do I have to say I didn’t fucking steal it!”

“Who else would huh?! You were the last one in there!”

“You’re gonna blame me because I was in the room?! I’m your roommate for fuck’s sake!”

“Yeah, and being my roommate doesn’t mean you can stick your dirty hands in my things!

“When did I ever-”

“Oh, so you weren’t snooping around in my closet last night?”

“I was looking for my shirt!”

“In my underwear drawer?”

A victorious smirk creeps its way into Baekhyun’s face seeing his giant of a roommate freeze almost immediately, eyes widening comically and cheeks reddening as if recalling a terrifying memory. Baekhyun feels pride swell in his chest at how he managed to shut the tall rapper up but it’s very short-lived because he’s pulled out of his smug trance by a series of muffled snickers and loud high-pitched cackles, sounding suspiciously like Sehun and Jongdae.

Wait what?

The blond quickly averts his eyes from Chanyeol in alarm to look around the living room they were currently standing in the middle of. And he regrets it almost instantly.  
The rest of the EXO members are lounging around their lush living room; some on the couches, some on the floor (Is that Jongin eating popcorn?) in a makeshift circle surrounding Baekhyun and a still red-faced Chanyeol. 

(As if they had time traveled to ancient Rome where prisoners were thrown into an arena with a lion and wild spectators cheered on while the unfortunate soul fought a hopeless battle with the animal; Baekhyun’s mind unhelpfully provides.) 

Who they were cheering on; the human or the beast, Baekhyun doesn’t want to and wouldn’t know.

Glancing around, Baekhyun can’t help but imagine this bizarre situation in the scenario his mind conjured up not just a second ago. His weird excuses of friends certainly suit the wild spectators. They look too eager to witness another memorable brawl between him and Chanyeol as if it were their favorite cartoon show; yes, they are grown ass men, idols known all over the world who still watch Pororo; Baekhyun would know, he’s one of them. 

Damn Kyungsoo and his sickeningly cute penguin!

Looking at Chanyeol, Baekhyun really can’t see him as a human. Well, obviously Chanyeol is human, excluding all the time he annoys the crap out of Baekhyun almost driving him into the brink of homicidal insanity; which is sadly, always. Even when he’s sleeping, Chanyeol still found a way to aggravate Baekhyun in the form of snoring. Baekhyun can’t comprehend what drove Joonmyun to pair the two of them as roommates; the two members who can’t stand each other; both for two different reasons, not even for a minute. Now they are stuck with each other almost always, a condition which is not sitting well with Baekhyun’s already frail sanity and heart.

Baekhyun is getting sidetracked. Not the time or place.

Looking at Chanyeol again, Baekhyun can’t help but see him as the beast. Clad in a black leather jacket over a fine printed electric blue shirt, paired with dark jeans which accentuates his long legs making him look taller if that were possible; as if he could grow anymore taller. Baekhyun hates and loves it at the same time that he has to crane his head up to look at Chanyeol. He is almost towering over Yifan now. His mesmerizing eyes Baekhyun wouldn’t mind staring hours into. His current brunet hair messy like he had just woken up; the kind of hair Baekhyun wants to run his fingers through and grip tight while those full luscious lips-

Baekhyun is getting sidetracked. Again. He shakes his head a little, desperately willing the blush on his face to go away, hoping no one would notice it.  
Yet Baekhyun is right about one thing. Park Chanyeol is the beast. And himself, the measly human. 

The difference? 

The lion in the arena had torn the men’s bodies apart, limb from limb. Their life force extinguishing instantly; like a candlelight snuffing out by a strong gust of wind. Baekhyun doesn’t have and most likely would never have that kind of luck. What Chanyeol does is, he tears open Baekhyun’s heart, every time he looks at Baekhyun with those ever so expressive eyes holding only disdain and ire, slowly killing a piece of him inside. It’s what the rapper had done since the day they met; it’s what he had done for two years straight. And it’s not likely for him to stop now.

Baekhyun sighs internally. He’s fighting a losing battle against Park Chanyeol.

Speaking of Chanyeol-

“I didn’t know you switched the drawers. It was an honest mistake!”

Baekhyun regards the fidgety platinum-haired boy in front of him wearily with his arms crossed across his chest who looks like he’s scarred for life. Snickers break out from the audience.

“I was looking for my shirt. That black and blue striped one. I couldn’t find it since our comeback stage and I thought maybe you mixed it with your clothes while doing laundry.” Chanyeol continues, flailing his arms, almost hitting a dazed Yixing across his face; a habit Baekhyun had learned the giant reveals when he’s nervous or anxious. 

Baekhyun thinks it’s probably the people around him who should be nervous and anxious because those arms are so bulky and well-muscled, there’s no guarantee anyone would come out unscathed after taking a hit; even an accidental one; once again, Baekhyun would know. He feels hot all of a sudden.

“You really expect me to believe that?” Baekhyun cocks an uninterested eyebrow upwards, trying so hard yet failing to keep the queasy feeling in his belly at bay. It breaks out in swarms and Baekhyun feels bile rise up in his throat when Chanyeol glares murderously at him, his previous fidgety posture nowhere to be seen.

Baekhyun wants to run away and hide. Hide where that look on Chanyeol’s face would never reach him.

“I don’t fucking care if you believe it or not. That’s your problem.” Chanyeol growls at him, making cold shivers run across Baekhyun’s skin. Fuck, his voice. The blond internally swoons. 

Chanyeol’s voice is something Baekhyun could listen to all day, every day. The deep rumbling of baritone when he’s indifferent, lilting slightly beyond the low timbre when he’s annoyed or angry, gratingly rough when he’s sleepy, and charmingly noisy when he’s cheery. Baekhyun should probably be a little worried that he has classified every one of the tall rapper’s moods based on his voice, but basically, Baekhyun doesn’t give a shit anymore.

He’s in too deep to pull out now.

“How,” Baekhyun’s snapped out of his reverie by the same entrancing voice he’s been fantasizing about albeit possessing a cautious tilt. “How did you know tha-that?”

“Know what? That you snooped around in my underwear drawer like a pervert when you thought no one was looking?” Baekhyun replies nonchalantly picking at his fingernails, as if someone just asked him the time. 

Cue the annoying laughs of ten jackasses. Baekhyun flashes his own blinding grin at the fuming giant. 

“I saw you obviously. Great blackmail material, don’t you think?” 

Chanyeol reddens once more, his lips set in a tight line. Baekhyun readies himself for the returning jab but nothing comes out of Chanyeol’s mouth other than an irritated sigh and a piercing glare. Baekhyun’s eyes widens in disbelief. Did Chanyeol just accept defeat? Over a ‘pervert’ remark? 

“Another point for Baek hyung.” Sehun’s thrilled voice cuts through the silence.

Baekhyun turns his head just in time to catch the maknae scribbling something on a notebook, Jongdae and Zitao hovering over him excitedly. Baekhyun rolls his eyes exasperated, so does a few sensible others. 

“You’re still keeping score?” Luhan asks incredulously.

“Never stopped babe.” Sehun smirks not even lifting his eyes up.

If anyone saw Luhan blushing like a tomato, they chose to ignore it.

“Well?” Yifan inquires poking Zitao in his ribs. “Who’s winning so far?”

All of a sudden, everyone seems very interested. Baekhyun gawks as Kyungsoo (The fuck?) leans towards the sofa where the three troublemakers are currently seated on. 

“Soo?” Baekhyun squeaks sorrowfully only to get a distracted shrug in return.

Some best friend he has.

“Hey, s-stop!” Zitao swats away his boyfriend’s prodding hands with a scowl. “Keep your grabby paws off. Not gonna tell any of y’all.”

Sehun hastily closes the notebook in question and clutches it closer to his chest as if further emphasizing Zitao’s earlier statement. He flashes a smug grin and leans backwards on the comfortable sofa mirroring his two partners on either side of him. This causes displeased grumbles to break out throughout the living room and Baekhyun almost lets out one of his own but changes it to a cough to save his pride. 

Act indifferent.

“This is bullshit.” Chanyeol scoffs crossing his arms.

“Let the kids have their fun.” Joonmyun pipes up getting himself to his feet and brushing some non-existent dust off of his jeans. “Let’s go. We’re gonna be late.”

Everyone jumps up to their feet and Baekhyun wonders if he’s the only one feeling lost.

“Huh?” Baekhyun mutters like the intellect he is. “Go where?”

“Uh, the talk show?” Jongdae replies in a ‘Duh’ tone. 

It takes a few seconds to click in Baekhyun’s brain and when it does he turns his head sharply at who caused his distress in the first place.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun all but growls. The only thing that keeps him from snapping at Chanyeol, as always, is the giddy feeling he gets in his chest every time he looks at the tall rapper. But this, this may turn out different. “I’m gonna ask you one more time. Give. It. Back.”

“Oh my god, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol groans long and drawn out and Baekhyun has to struggle to keep his mind from wandering to places he doesn’t want to go. Not now, at least. 

“Do I have to write it out in crayon for you? Huh? For fuck’s sake-”

“Hey, no swearing.” Joonmyun interrupts and Chanyeol rolls his eyes which earns him another nag. “Don’t roll your eyes at me young man!” 

“Sorry mom.” Chanyeol mocks playfully with that award-winning grin and Baekhyun can practically see their leader melt. 

Baekhyun hates it. Hates how Chanyeol can persuade anyone and everyone with his smile. Hates how it just literally lights up the whole place. Hates how innocent and pure it looks. Hates how it makes his heart skip a beat and run a mile a minute at the same time. 

“What happened this time?” Joonmyun inquires in his usual concerned tone.

Before Baekhyun can even think about answering, Chanyeol yells.

“Baekhyun thinks I stole his eyeliner!”

“I don’t think, I know!” Baekhyun yells back.

They were supposed to appear on a talk show in less than two hours to promote their new album and Baekhyun had found himself halting in his steps while getting ready when he noticed his most treasured possession was missing. Obviously, the evidence (or lack thereof) immediately pointed to Chanyeol since it was their shared room. No one dared to enter for this exact reason; things getting misplaced. Given their nature, the two roommates instantaneously suspect each other which leads to an hour or two of petty arguments and even though the other members enjoyed the brawls between the rapper and the vocalist occasionally, they preferred peace and quietness the most; some of them at least. So they stayed away. 

So now, Baekhyun’s convinced that the culprit is none other than his brainless tree of a roommate.

“Baek, are you sure you didn’t misplaced it or anything?” Joonmyun unhelpfully offers. Baekhyun is offended.

“Hyung, it was right on my bedside table. I saw it. It was brand new, I didn’t- I didn’t even use it once.” Baekhyun shamefully realizes that he’s whining. 

“Well, I’m sure it’s here somewhere. You just have to look. And besides, Chanyeol couldn’t have taken it ya know? He doesn’t use eyeliner.” Joonmyun lets out a tired albeit soothing smile and Baekhyun feels so guilty. 

Being the leader of one of the most famed and world-renowned groups in the K-pop industry, Joonmyun has his work cut out for him. He already does a strenuous task balancing the professional work and keeping eleven over-grown kids in check, he doesn’t need Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s constant bickering and the negativity between them straining him down. Baekhyun knows this obviously, which is why he feels like kicking himself in the ass for even starting this stupid argument over eyeliner.  
But can anyone blame him for his sympathetic feelings rushing out the window when he sees Chanyeol’s smug face?

Nope, no one can. But he figures he would let Chanyeol have the win today, for Joonmyun’s sake.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says glaring at Chanyeol wishing he could kiss that smug grin away. The hell? “Yeah, you’re probably right hyung. I must’ve misplaced it.”  
Baekhyun feels his blood boiling for letting Chanyeol win but he decides to act mature for once. Despite his branded eyeliner having been stolen, (he knows it’s been stolen, perhaps never to be found again; because he didn’t misplace it, he has an amazing memory, and his memory clearly states that he saw his eyeliner on his bedside table before he went to shower but it wasn’t there when he got back from the shower.) he respects Joonmyun enough to drop the subject; as much as it pains him to, and it’s not like he can’t buy another, or a dozen.

“Of course I’m right. Hyung’s always right.” Baekhyun fondly rolls his eyes, a small smile on his lips.

“Yeah, let’s go hyung. We’re the only ones here. We’re gonna be late.”

Joonmyun mutters something along the lines of 'Imma blame you two dickheads if we’re late' and hurries out the door leaving Chanyeol and Baekhyun to follow, unaware of the glaring competition behind his back.

They reach the venue with fifteen minutes to spare silencing Luhan who was wailing nonsense like, 'we’re gonna be late and we won’t get proper makeup on, I’m gonna look ugly as hell' to which Sehun calmly replied with a reassuring arm over the doe-eyed boy,

“You look prettier without makeup babe.” Once again, everyone chose to ignore the fact that Luhan choked on his spit and blushed like crazy.

Baekhyun finds himself yearning for what they have. The loving glances, the lingering touches, the pet names and all those cutesy stuff they always did. They’re in love and they aren’t afraid to show it. Aren’t afraid of what anyone might think. Aren’t afraid of being judged.

Most importantly, they aren’t afraid to accept their feelings.

Sehun and Luhan started dating after their debut. But it’s only after they announced their relationship, that they revealed that they had feelings for each other since the day they met. Love at first sight; another reason for Baekhyun to be jealous. He isn’t one for fate or destiny or God forbid, soulmates.

No, of course not.

He grew up in a house where he witnessed love crumble and fall to bits. His parents fought constantly. And while they tried to resolve their problems for Baekhyun’s and his brother’s sake, the boy knew there was no love between his parents. Only convenience. His brother, Baekbeom’s marriage prevailed for only five months. During those five months Baekhyun watched his brother’s new-found joy quickly but surely fade away into grief and misery when he found out that his wife had been cheating, one month into their marriage.

Despite all of this Baekhyun didn’t let himself be disheartened or discouraged. His family’s misery on having loveless relationships spurred him on even more to find that perfect person for him. He vowed to himself that he wouldn’t stop until that person is by his side. One who would love him dearly; one to whom he could give his whole heart to. One would never leave; one who isn’t ashamed to call Baekhyun as their own.

He doesn’t believe in fate or destiny. But he believes that there are significant others; the other half, for everyone in the world. He scoffs at the similar difference.

Byun Baekhyun was confident about finding the perfect person for him; be it girl or boy, he didn’t care, as long as there was love between them. Baekhyun might have read too many romance novels and watched too many romance movies but he had enough fictional experience to know how it feels like to fall in love at first sight. He expected to get butterflies in his stomach, expected to feel his heart beating like crazy, to feel goosebumps and shivers on his skin, expected to get that feeling; the one in which the world comes to a standstill and Baekhyun and his lover are the only ones left conscious, they see their entire life, what they were, what they are and what they could be and will be flash across each other’s eyes.

But he didn’t expect all of these to happen when he saw one Park Chanyeol on the happiest day of his life and he certainly didn’t expect for his heart to flutter every day for him even after his true love glared at him with all the hate in the world and spoke the foulest words.

Baekhyun stares at his true love through the mirror. Baekhyun’s still getting his makeup done and Chanyeol’s sitting on a couch in the room, his makeup already done. He’s talking with Jongin and Sehun, laughing hard and Baekhyun feels his heart swell. Chanyeol looks so happy and like himself, a side he never lets out for Baekhyun. 

But it’s okay.

Even if it isn’t for Baekhyun, Chanyeol still reveals his playful side, every so often for Baekhyun to witness it from behind the shadows. He deems it enough.  
Enough that his love still smiles and laughs just as happily like he doesn’t have someone like Baekhyun holding him back from doing so. 

Baekhyun doesn’t want to ask for anything more than that.

The host is blabbering something about EXO topping the charts in 32 countries and them being on the peak of fame but Baekhyun can’t bring himself to pay attention. He has heard it more than he can count and it’s ingrained in his brain. It’s not like he’s arrogant about it; well, he is, to some point. It’s just, he can’t pay attention to meager affairs when a fine specimen worth every grain of his attention is sitting right beside him.

Park Chanyeol looks effortlessly beautiful; so beautiful it makes Baekhyun’s heart ache. 

Baekhyun doesn’t know what made the TV crew to seat the two of them beside each other, but he doesn’t dwell on it either. It’s a rare opportunity to be this close to Chanyeol without having the excuse of a petty argument. So, Baekhyun doesn’t complain and decides to make the best of it.

Meaning: stare at Park Chanyeol inconspicuously as long as he can.

Baekhyun is thankful for the makeup artist who was assigned to him who applied a considerable amount of eyeliner and eye shadow around his eyes. He knows from experience, that it hides his small eyes; even if it’s meant to accentuate them, and if he shuts them halfway, it’s fairly impossible to track their movement.

So, here’s Baekhyun ogling the guy who can’t stand him like the love-struck idiot he is.

Chanyeol is facing away from him, all attention on the host. He’s laughing and nodding his head in time for the host’s jokes and questions. Offers his input every now and then. And Baekhyun finds himself watching the movement of Chanyeol’s lips. Granted, the angle doesn’t provide that much visual but Baekhyun can’t bring himself to look away. It’s more than often that he has thought about Chanyeol’s lips on his own. Fantasized about how they would feel on his skin. And every time he’s brought out of it by the revelation that it’s something that’ll never happen.

Baekhyun knows it’s wrong; harboring romantic feelings for one of his band mates. If he was the bold and fearless type like Sehun and Luhan or Yifan and Zitao, he would’ve confessed his feelings to Chanyeol years ago. Hell, he would’ve done it on the first day they met.

Only if Chanyeol hadn’t snapped at him and degraded him to an undeserving bastard.

Maybe Baekhyun is a fool. A fool for believing in love at first sight. A fool for falling in love with a guy who humiliated him in front of half a dozen people he had never seen before.

A fool for continuing to love the said guy despite him treating Baekhyun like shit.

Baekhyun sighs, his eyes still settled on the man who brings him so much joy and pain every day. He’s laughing with that ridiculously deep voice of his and Baekhyun finds himself smiling along. It’s not fair. Baekhyun thinks. How can Chanyeol be so happy with no care in the world as if he isn’t crushing Baekhyun heart piece by piece?

As if he had heard Baekhyun’s thoughts, Chanyeol turns to look at him. And Baekhyun is once again struck breathless at how beautiful this man is. 

Chanyeol’s hair is messy and spills over his bandana, almost covering his eyes. His eyes, God, Baekhyun wants to drown in those amber pools of mystery. Right now, they hold a look of confusion, bemusement and another emotion Baekhyun can’t quite put his finger on. His unblemished skin glows under the studio lights. Baekhyun’s gaze finally falls to the rapper’s plush lips. They gleam red with lip gloss and probably saliva because Baekhyun knows that the rapper has a habit of licking his lips when he’s nervous.

Baekhyun’s mind doesn’t register that there could be reason as to why Chanyeol is staring at him right now in the middle of the show, not until the brunet’s pink lips curl upwards in a deadly smirk that has warning bells ringing throughout Baekhyun’s being. The slight disorientation caused by the playful glint on the rapper’s eyes proves to be enough for the annoying voice of the host to squirm its way into Baekhyun’s muddled brain. 

“Baekhyun?”

It takes another second or two for Baekhyun to realize that the host is addressing _him_ and that everyone in the room has their eyes settled on him, questioningly and worriedly.

Baekhyun reddens. 

_It’s okay, it’s okay._ The blond thinks. _They think I just spaced out, it’s not like I was caught staring at Chanyeol._

“You were staring at Chanyeol since we started, are you okay?”

Baekhyun wants the earth to swallow him. Like, right now. 

Snickers break out among the EXO members. Even the TV crew looks amused.

“You were staring at me? Oh, Baekkie. Am I that handsome you can’t keep your eyes off of me?” Speak of the devil.

Baekhyun ignores him in order to answer to the host’s previous concerned question. He leans forward a little and flashes a blinding smile.

“Oh, I’m alright Mr. Jung. I apologize for that.”

He leans back in his chair and crosses his legs comfortably, locking gazes with the rapper who’s still smirking at him. 

“It’s just-” Baekhyun doesn’t let the innocent smile fall from his face as he looks straight into the giant’s mocking eyes.

“There’s a bug in your hair.”

Let’s just say, Baekhyun enjoyed the sight of a screaming and dancing giant for a whole two minutes before fearing for his life as Jongin and Yifan had to restrain an enraged Chanyeol who wanted to choke him to death, all the while drowning in the laughter of the other members and the crew. And they had to shoot the interview again; this time Chanyeol and Baekhyun seated as far away from one another as possible.

And Baekhyun finds himself rummaging his brain for other ways to satisfy his heart because evidently, the eyeliner and eye shadow trick had failed its cause.

After all, the heart wants what the heart wants. And it yearns to be close to Chanyeol.

 

Chanyeol’s glaring at him. (What’s new?) The grip on his spoon is so tight Baekhyun is amazed at it not being snapped in two. Baekhyun feels red hot sparks prickling in his body under the fierce and menacing look Chanyeol sends his way; he’s glad he hasn’t gone up in flames yet. 

Oh, the irony.

But it’s not a situation he hasn’t been in before. He has been the subject of Chanyeol’s intense glaring after a prank or an argument for far too long to develop an ability to turn a blind eye to it; mostly.

It’s not Baekhyun’s fault that Chanyeol has a stick up his ass and can’t take a joke.

So Baekhyun averts his eyes to his bowl and proceeds to drink his chicken soup reveling in the deliciousness of Kyungsoo’s cooking. He sends a smile of gratitude and an enthusiastic thumbs-up towards his best friend who beams in return. Baekhyun knows Kyungsoo loves being appreciated for his cooking so Baekhyun never fails to remind him what a great cook he is.

“Oh man, you should’ve seen his face.” Jongin is saying further down and the dining table erupts in another series of amused cackles. “He looked like freaking Satan was after him. Which is saying something because he’s never been that scared of Soo.”

Baekhyun doesn’t need to be reminded that they’re talking about Chanyeol and he certainly doesn’t need to look up to know that the said giant is fuming once again.

“He totally could ace the choreo if we put a bug on his head. I mean did you see his moves?!” Sehun gets up from his chair and imitates Chanyeol’s moment of shame drawing out hoots and cheers from the excited crowd.

“I’m right here guys.” Chanyeol voices depressingly, raising his hand like a little kid in Kindergarten.

“Yeah we know. It’s kinda hard to not notice you.” Jongdae deadpans and Chanyeol scowls.

“Oh, you earned yourself another point Baek hyung.” Zitao beams making Baekhyun roll his eyes fondly.

“More like ten. That deserves more than just one point. You’re a legend, Baek!” Jongdae hits Baekhyun’s back a little too rough, laughing like a maniac.

“I hate you all.” Chanyeol grumbles and Baekhyun can’t control the bubbly laughter that spills out seeing the giant slump down his chair, pouting.

“Payback, bitch.” Baekhyun quips immaturely.

Of course, Baekhyun hasn’t forgotten his stolen eyeliner.

“I’m not in the mood for your shit Byun, so shut your wormhole.” 

“Make me.” Comes Baekhyun’s crude retort. 

It seems as Chanyeol has picked up on the insinuation of it too as he snaps his head towards Baekhyun and the blond watches the rapper’s eyes swirl with disdain, revulsion and another emotion Baekhyun has the memory of seeing before, yet can’t quite place it where.

“That’s gross.” Chanyeol grimaces and places his spoon on the table with a ‘Clank’.

“So are you.” Baekhyun enthusiastically chimes.

Chanyeol groans and stands up.

“Hey,” Junmyeon looks at him, alarmed. “Where’re you going? You didn’t finish dinner.”

“I’m full.” Chanyeol mutters as he places his plate in the sink. “I’m going to bed early tonight.”

“Yeah, you must be emotionally and physically drained from all the humiliation you suffered today.”

And Baekhyun immediately knows from the stiffening of the giant’s shoulders that the maknae is done for. He doesn’t need to glance at the said maknae’s direction to know that he knows it too.

Chanyeol turns around slowly, his face impassive and Baekhyun suddenly fears for the bratty maknae’s life. His concern seems to be mutual because Baekhyun notices Luhan grip his boyfriend’s hand tightly as Chanyeol leisurely advances towards them. Junmyeon eyes Chanyeol as if silently asking him to stop but Chanyeol’s steady gaze never leaves the blond maknae. Yifan and Jongin look like they’re one step away from pouncing onto Chanyeol to restrain him again as Chanyeol bends down to a seated Sehun’s height and tilts his head almost curiously, like a puppy.

The fiery sparks which churned under Baekhyun’s skin burst out in flames when he catches the sight of the rapper’s deadly smirk.

This is not the time to get a boner goddammit! The maknae’s life is on the line here!

“Oh, Sehunnie,” Even from where he is, Baekhyun can see Sehun’s terrified look in his eyes when Chanyeol whispers darkly. Sehun visibly shudders.

“H-hyung, I’m sorry, It was- it was just a joke.” 

Everyone appears to be frozen stiff, holding their breaths. Baekhyun shivers from the non-existent cold gust of air. 

It’s one thing to have that dangerous look directed at him; he has more than two years of experience on how to handle it and the fuming dumb giant that comes with it, hand-in-hand. Baekhyun almost never gets offended or affected; only on rare instances like when his favorite eyeliner gets stolen. But this is Sehun. The sweet yet bratty maknae and he doesn’t deserve the wrath that’s bound to come his way any second now.

Baekhyun feels guilty because in a way this is his fault. If not for the incident during the talk show, Sehun won’t be facing his untimely death right now.

Maybe Baekhyun’s being too overdramatic about this.

At the corner of his eyes, Baekhyun sees Yifan stand up slowly so as to not provoke the angered giant further. He notices the subtle nod Yifan and Jongin shares with each other but before anyone can do anything the tense silence in the room breaks by the most unexpected thing. 

Chanyeol cooing affectionately. 

_At Sehun._

“Oh, Hunnie, it was so sad seeing you trying to fit your entire vocabulary in one sentence. But I’m so proud of you!” 

Baekhyun is so dumbstruck at Chanyeol’s sudden transformation that he flinches. One confused look around the dinner table, he realizes he’s not the only one. 

Sehun chuckles nervously ignoring the blow to his ego; obviously favoring his life over a bruised self-esteem, curling more into himself, when Chanyeol flashes a bright grin and ruffles the terrified maknae’s hair. 

“Gosh, you’re so cute.” Chanyeol chortles, his grin still on display. Everyone flinches back when the rapper straightens. “Well, I’m going to bed guys. Night.”

There’s a chorus of half-hearted ‘Night’s around the table and Chanyeol confidently strides to his and Baekhyun’s shared room leaving eleven stunned boys to stare dumbfounded at his retreating back disappearing along the hallway.

It isn’t until they hear the sound of a door shut close that they heave huge sighs of relief and relax into their chairs. All of them glance around each other seemingly in disbelief of what just happened. Sehun looks as if he’s in the brink of hyperventilating and Luhan worriedly dotes on his boyfriend.

Baekhyun feels laughter bubbling up in his chest because _did that really just happen?_ So he covers his mouth with his hand and tries his best to make it die down because he knows better than to cause sudden heart attacks by letting it out. 

“That was fucking _creepy._ ”

Baekhyun agrees with the ever-so-silent Minseok’s statement. 

 

After reassuring Junmyeon and Yifan that he’ll be fine, that _no, Chanyeol won’t probably kill him in his sleep,_ Baekhyun walks towards his shared room, throws open the door with a bang like he always does and finds an unamused Chanyeol laying on his bed fiddling with his phone.

The rapper acknowledges his presence with only a raised eyebrow, doesn’t even avert his eyes from his precious phone. 

Baekhyun feels a pang in his chest.

In his own immature and Baekhyun-kind of-way, Baekhyun has tried to get Chanyeol’s attention more times than he can count over these past two years. Getting into petty arguments is one. Pulling tricks another. So is subtly giving compliments. Baekhyun knows that the giant is denser than the Amazon forest to see through the compliments and that he gives little to no reaction to them, but Baekhyun can’t bring himself to stop. 

Maybe Baekhyun likes torturing himself. It’s remarkable how his body and heart prepares in advance in the form of curling internally to Chanyeol’s cruel words, anticipating them. It’s like, every word that Chanyeol directs at Baekhyun has the vicious tone, the spiteful stab that Baekhyun has come to be accustomed to, that he wouldn’t expect anything different from the man he’s fallen for. 

So he deems that it’s enough. It’s enough that Chanyeol pays attention to him in this way. Even if it’s the most painful way possible.

Baekhyun closes the door and walks inside leisurely, plastering a blank face on, careful not to let his emotional conflict show on his face. He knows his face becomes quite unreadable when he wants to, but he can never be too sure around Chanyeol.

“Congrats.” Baekhyun quips dryly as he heads towards his closet and starts rummaging in the drawers for his sleepwear. “You successfully convinced our friends that you’re a psycho.”

Chanyeol scoffs, long fingers still fiddling with his phone.

“And whose fault was that?”

“You scared Sehun half to death.” Baekhyun ignores him and decides on his favorite pink onesie, humming as he holds it to his body, measuring it.

“He deserved it.” 

“Maybe. But I gotta admit,” Baekhyun says as he opens the door again, smirking at Chanyeol. “I actually enjoyed it.”

This snatches Chanyeol’s attention. And he looks flabbergasted.

“Wai- You-you weren’t scared?” Baekhyun sighs at this.

“Hate to burst your bubble Yeollie,” Baekhyun sees Chanyeol cringe at the pet name as he moves outside to close the door. He smiles sweetly. “But, you’re not that scary.”

With that he closes the door with a click, not staying around for Chanyeol’s retorts and makes his way towards the bathroom.

 

Baekhyun knows with the amount of time he spent in the bathroom, that Chanyeol probably has fallen asleep by now. They’ve had a tiring day; slow, compared to most of their normal days, yet Baekhyun feels the pull of drowsiness as he nears his room clad in his pink bunny onesie. He silently thanks the Gods when he finds Chanyeol fast asleep under his duvet, curled into a ball, small snores escaping his slightly parted lips. 

Closing the door silently behind him, Baekhyun nears Chanyeol’s bed careful not to make a sound. Just as silently, he crouches down beside the bed despite his heavy eyelids, coming face to face with the sleeping rapper. 

Chanyeol is sleeping peacefully, face so serene and youthful, so innocent when he’s asleep, without scowls and frowns marring over his brows. So beautiful. He looks like a little kid. Baekhyun thinks affectionately, a small smile hanging on his lips. He wonders why the brunet rapper couldn’t be like this all the time. 

Oh.

It’s because of him.

Baekhyun seems to be a constant nuisance in Chanyeol’s life that he gets irritated at the smallest thing the vocalist says or does. He’s a bit tamed now but if Baekhyun didn’t know any better, he would think that Chanyeol is always on the lookout for any and every thing Baekhyun does, that can provide him a subject to tease or shame Baekhyun. It’s almost as if Chanyeol is waiting to be ticked off around Baekhyun.

And Baekhyun, for the life of him, can’t understand why.

It’s beyond frustrating, really; never knowing. It’s more frustrating to see that look in Chanyeol’s eyes; like Baekhyun had killed his childhood pet, right in front of him. The amount of distaste and hate that pours out of Chanyeol’s eyes took some time for Baekhyun to get used to; to turn a blind eye to it. 

But it’s never easy.

It certainly didn’t help that Baekhyun adopted Chanyeol’s method in no time and started to treat him with his own medicine. It made it worse. But Baekhyun couldn’t complain. He found that getting back at his unrequited love eased somewhat of a pressure and pain in his heart. 

Baekhyun brings his mind to the present when the rapper lets out a groan. Baekhyun stiffens panicking, thinking that Chanyeol has awakened. 

And what a sight Baekhyun would be; kneeling in front of him, faces so close to each other as if Baekhyun’s about to kiss him. Chanyeol would throw a fit.

Chanyeol lets out another groan and Baekhyun frowns. He’s having a nightmare. Chanyeol’s brows are furrowed, face contorted into a painful expression, body curling further into himself. Baekhyun wonders what he’s dreaming about. _Probably bugs._

Baekhyun gulps. He hesitantly brings up a hand to Chanyeol’s forehead, and lightly strokes the furrowed lines there, silently wishing the nightmares to go away and leave his giant for his peaceful sleep. Baekhyun’s ministrations works to some point as Chanyeol’s painful expression fades away. But the little groans and whimpers don’t die down.

So Baekhyun sings.

He starts softly almost noiselessly. He remembers the song; a lullaby to be exact, as it was what his mother used to sing to him when he was having trouble sleeping. The words come out naturally despite the amount of time that has passed.

_Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high,_  
_There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby_

Baekhyun retreats his hand from Chanyeol’s forehead and settles it on his upper arm, patting tenderly and caringly. He’s a bit hesitant at first but continues because he supposes this is the least he could do for Chanyeol to make him feel better. Maybe this could compensate for whatever wrong Baekhyun had done to Chanyeol to make him hate him.

_Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue_  
_And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true_

As Baekhyun’s soothing notes washes over Chanyeol, Baekhyun can see his body relax under his comfort. He continues to sing, the room silent except for Baekhyun’s gentle voice and Chanyeol’s soft breaths. It’s calming and sedative, Baekhyun feels his eyes grow heavy and his vision blur. He belatedly realizes that he’s not falling asleep; he’s crying.

_Someday I’ll wish upon a star,_  
_And wake up where the clouds are far behind me_

Oh, how bad Baekhyun wants his wish to come true. The wish he had since he first set eyes on his love. It’s nothing extreme or extravagant. It’s not getting married to Chanyeol or building a simple house in the countryside or adopting two kids and maybe some puppies, no, it’s none of them.

He just wishes Chanyeol would look at him.

_Really_ look at him.

Not with hatred or irritation or disdain. Not with that menacing glare like he thinks that Baekhyun is the most vexing person on the planet. Not with deep ire that burns holes in Baekhyun’s body that makes him want to run away, hide and cry his eyes out.

But with love.

Like Baekhyun is the only person he would ever set his eyes upon. Like Baekhyun is the reason for his existence. Like Baekhyun is his whole world.

Like how Byun Baekhyun looks at Park Chanyeol.

_Where troubles melt like lemon drops_  
_Away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me_

Baekhyun covers his mouth when he feels a sob threatening to erupt from his throat. He feels hot tears on his cheeks, can taste them on his tongue. Through his hazy vision, he stares at Chanyeol who’s sleeping soundly now, breathing softly, unaware of Baekhyun’s emotional breakdown right beside him. Baekhyun sniffles, forcing his sobs to die down and stands up, legs wobbly from kneeling for a long time. He contemplates going to the bathroom to wash his face but decides against it, fearing he might wake Chanyeol up. 

So he weakly trudges to his bed, gets under the covers and reaches to switch off his night lamp. He sends one last look at the direction of the love of his life and smiles faintly before he feels the swarm of emotions coming up his throat again. He turns around facing the wall and pulls the heavy duvet to cover his entire being and as silently as he can, cries himself to sleep.

_That’s where you’ll find me._


	2. Chapter 2

“You look like death.” Jongdae deadpans.

“Do I? Haven’t noticed.” Baekhyun sasses back.

Yes, Baekhyun does look like death. Crying all night has done wonders to his skin and eyes (Note the sarcasm). Puffed and blotched. It’s gonna take a miracle to hide it under makeup. He miserably thinks as he goes to sit at the table. He hasn’t cried that much in a long time. 

He mumbles a quiet ‘Good morning’ to Kyungsoo and Joonmyun who are flipping pancakes while the rest are eagerly waiting for breakfast sitting around the huge dining table, yelling incomprehensible things. Baekhyun realizes he was the last to wake up.

He also realizes that Sehun must have amnesia or something because there he is, trying to get Chanyeol in a headlock laughing loudly. Chanyeol pats Sehun’s skinny arm around his neck a little too roughly flashing that goofy laugh Baekhyun absolutely adores, but the youngest doesn’t relent. It’s like Chanyeol’s psychotic episode last night didn’t even happen. Baekhyun shrugs.

He tries his best to avoid staring at Chanyeol. He doesn’t want another break down. 

“So listen up guys!” Joonmyun shouts over the roughhousing in the kitchen, turning around to place another hot pancake on the large plate on the middle of the table. “You gotta tell me what you’re gonna do this week. I have to inform the company.”

Oh. Baekhyun almost forgot about that. He has been looking forward to it for two weeks.

After months of practice, promotions, fansigns, mini concerts and just running here and there without enough rest or food, they’re getting a week off. Baekhyun couldn’t be any more ecstatic. And he knows for a fact that every other member is just the same. They deserve a considerable amount of time for themselves without the pressure of their job hanging over them. After all, they did work their asses off for it.

“Sehunnie and I are going to Busan. I wanna see the beach.” Luhan raises his and Sehun’s joined hands enthusiastically.

“Why do they have to know?” Sehun indignantly asks.

“Because that’s how it is.” Joonmyun answers almost automatically, used to replying to the same irritated question ever since they debuted. He places the last of the pancakes on the plate and everyone serves themselves before digging in. “They need to know where we are at all times. It’s a safety precaution.”

“It’s a violation of privacy.” Sehun grumbles over a mouthful. “How am I supposed to have some sexy alone time with my boyfriend when I know they know?”

“SEHUN!” A reddened Luhan’s cry is drowned by a series of pervertedly excited gasps and cheers.

Baekhyun suddenly feels awake.

“Oh, so _that’s_ why you’re going to the beach.” Baekhyun drawls wiggling his eyebrows at Luhan who’s trying his best to appear as small as possible among the teasing eyes. “Try not to get caught hyung. _That_ kind of publicity is not a good thing for us.”

“Who would’ve thought Luhan hyung out of all people had an exhibitionist kink?” Chanyeol taunts and loud sniggers ring through the kitchen. “Sehun, not a surprise there, but hyung?”

One of those rare moments when Chanyeol and Baekhyun side together. Baekhyun blushes.

“You’re gonna get sand everywhere.” Jongdae yells grinning. “And I mean, everywhere.”

“Hey, that’s enough.” Sehun snarls hugging his beet red boyfriend closer to himself protectively. “You can say anything you want about me but not him, got it?”

Luhan buries his face in the juncture of Sehun’s neck and curls into him and Baekhyun has the urge to coo at them. They’re so cute.

“Keep it PG in the kitchen guys.” Joonmyun says offhandedly. “Okay, that’s two out of the way, and I know me, Jongdae, Minseok hyung and Yixing are going to Jongdae’s uncle’s villa in Hongdae. So what about the others?”

“I’m going home.” Chanyeol voices.

“So am I.” Baekhyun says not a second later.

“Me too.” Kyungsoo says.

“Uh, I think I’m staying.” Jongin quips meekly. “I was planning to go too but my parents went to the US so there’s no use in going home now.”

“You can come with me, if you want.” 

Baekhyun snaps his head to the person who just spoke. His eyes widen disbelievingly.

“Soo?” He squeaks. “You never invite me to your house. And I’m your best friend.”

Kyungsoo shrugs nonchalantly. 

Baekhyun should reconsider his choices in best friends.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo eyes the stunned rapper. Baekhyun can see the faint red dusting on his cheeks, and when he speaks his tone lacks his usual collected nature. “Do you wanna come? It’s better than staying here all alone.”

Jongin looks conflicted.

“Y-yeah, I mean, i-if it’s not too much trouble.” He stammers smiling nervously and Baekhyun shakes his head at the two hopeless kids. “I don’t wanna burden you or anything.”

“No, no, there’s no trouble at all.” Baekhyun’s sure his best friend is full on blushing when he mumbles. “I’d really like it if you came.” 

Jongin beams.

“Ok, ok, I’ll come. Thank you hyung, you’re the best!” Kyungsoo looks like he’s about to burst. 

Baekhyun scoffs. When are they gonna admit their feelings and start dating? It’s painful to watch. But of course, Baekhyun shouldn’t be talking.

“Good thinking Soo.” Joonmyun says, nodding at Kyungsoo and turns to Yifan and Zitao. “That leaves you two.”

“We’re going to China.” Yifan says after downing his orange juice. Baekhyun notices most of them are done with their breakfast. “The company knows. We have some stuff we gotta sort out.”

The members don’t look pleased with the vague response, but they know better than to question Yifan. Joonmyun nods again.

“Ok then that’s settled. I’m gonna head over to the company with Yifan, you guys… do whatever. Yifan let’s go.”

The members let out excited cheers and shouts when their two leaders stand up and walk towards the front door. Technically their free week starts tomorrow but their schedule is free for today as well. Baekhyun wonders why the company didn’t include today in their vacation too. Probably because Joonmyun and Yifan have a meeting with the CEO today. 

“I’ll be back later guys. I got something to do.” Chanyeol says as he too stands up from the table. Curious eyes fall on him immediately.

“Where’re you going? Can I come too? It’s boring staying here doing nothing.” Jongdae whines.

“Nuh uh, I’m going alone. Don’t need an escort.” Chanyeol sticks his tongue at Jongdae’s upset face.

No one’s bothered by this because it’s not the first time one of them is going out alone. They maintain their disguises outside so there’s no reason to worry; as long as they don’t do anything stupid and ruin their image.

But this is Chanyeol. So it’s natural that Baekhyun becomes bothered. 

 

Baekhyun walks into his room to find Chanyeol with his back to him, in the middle of putting on his jacket. He suppresses the nostalgic emotions that bubble up in his chest upon recalling last night.

“Going on a date or something Yeollie?” Baekhyun casually says and Chanyeol whips his head around so fast Baekhyun’s surprised it didn’t crack.

Chanyeol is staring at Baekhyun. Eyes wide and mouth agape. 

As if Chanyeol has never seen Baekhyun before. As if he’s seeing Baekhyun for the first time.

He looks so confused yet his eyes are so soft and warm and at the same time, scared. Baekhyun’s taken aback by Chanyeol sudden change, because Chanyeol has never looked at Baekhyun like that; like he’s revering Baekhyun. And even though he would love to have that look directed at him forever, he’s also confused. Confused as to what made this change in Chanyeol. Is it because of what he said? But it can’t bring out this kind of reaction.

“Chanyeol?” He questions gently. 

_Why did he have to open his damn mouth?_

Chanyeol blinks repeatedly as if he’s snapping out of a trance. And when his gaze lands on Baekhyun, the blond vocalist flinches at the ever so familiar expression thrown at him.  
The giddy feeling in Baekhyun’s chest dies down right away like it never existed at all. He’s about to ask the rapper _what’s the meaning of all that_ when Chanyeol briskly walks past him not even sparing him a single glance. Baekhyun gawks at his retreating back still puzzled.

What the hell just happened?

 

 

Chanyeol doesn’t come home until dinner. 

Baekhyun uses that time to pack and goof around with the members. He’s decided weeks ago that he’ll be spending his little vacation with his mother. He never misses a chance of being with her. She’s the one he’s closest to; he tells her everything. He’s about to go outside to give her a call when the front door opens and Chanyeol walks in.

They both freeze in the hallway.

As soon as they make eye contact, Chanyeol shrinks into himself, as if he’s guilty of something he’d done. Baekhyun shoots him a questioning look but Chanyeol lowers his head, walks past him and Baekhyun’s nose is immediately assaulted by a strong smell. And Baekhyun knows that it’s not Chanyeol’s perfume; it’s too strong for his liking. It lingers in the air as Chanyeol rushes inside leaving a very confused Baekhyun in the dimly lit hallway. 

“Chanyeol!” Baekhyun hears Jongin yelling near their bedrooms. He must’ve met Chanyeol before he could hide himself in his room. “Just in time hyung. We ordered pizza!”

“Uh, I-” Baekhyun strains his ears to hear Chanyeol mumble a response. His eyes widen when he does hear it. “I-I already ate Jongin. You guys go on ahead. I-I gotta pack.”

“Wha- wai-wait hyung,” Jongin stammers clearly bewildered. The sound of a door closing is heard. “You never say no to pizza!”

Baekhyun waits until Jongin runs to the living room where everyone else is waiting for pizza to arrive and walks quietly to their shared room. He decides the phone call can wait because there’s clearly something wrong with Chanyeol. No, it’s not because he refused pizza; his favorite food. There was something wrong with him since that morning. He realizes that now.

Chanyeol had avoided Baekhyun at breakfast. It’s very rare to have a breakfast without a petty argument between the two of them. Chanyeol would always find a reason to tease or annoy Baekhyun. And Baekhyun being Baekhyun would never let go a blow to his ego easily. 

But that morning, Chanyeol was silent; apart from teasing Luhan, his attention never even once was directed at Baekhyun. The blond might’ve been too sleepy to notice it then but he definitely does now. Chanyeol’s strange behavior that morning in their room and just now, proves it.

Something Baekhyun would never have imagined would happen. 

Chanyeol’s avoiding him.

 

Baekhyun hesitates in front of the door, his hand on the knob and breathing a bit forcefully to calm himself. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say, what he’s supposed to ask. He figures _Hey Chanyeol, I just noticed that you’re avoiding me, I was wondering why_ would be too blunt. But he needs to find out why. He doesn’t want to imagine living his life without interacting with Chanyeol. Even if their interactions are always rough banters and heated stares.

He exhales deeply and opens the door, only to be welcomed with the strong scent from earlier. It further unsettles Baekhyun because Chanyeol has spent all day with someone else. Someone who seems to be very close to Chanyeol to leave such a lasting impression of their perfume on his clothes. Baekhyun feels envy and jealousy rising up in his chest at the faceless person he already hates.

Chanyeol looks up from his phone when Baekhyun walks in timidly. The rapper is sitting on his bed, face illuminated by the glow of the screen. He doesn’t spare Baekhyun more than a second of his attention, and directs his eyes to his phone, continues texting, ignoring his presence. Baekhyun bites his lip nervously and takes slow steps toward the rapper. He doesn’t miss Chanyeol’s tensed up muscles as he draws closer. 

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun speaks up tentatively almost sympathetically. He marvels at himself for having the ability to speak with such a tone to Chanyeol. He wonders if Chanyeol could speak to him in such a tone too. “Chanyeol are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Comes the immediate reply, its speaker not even bothering to look up at the blond hovering tensely by the foot of his bed. 

“Well, you seemed out of it lately, I was worried-”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” Chanyeol retorts languidly. “And it’s not your place to worry about me Byun.” 

Baekhyun’s blood boil. He feels anger spreading throughout his being. How dare he-

“You weren’t yourself today,” Baekhyun tries so hard not to shout out that it’s exactly his place to worry about his dumb giant. “You were acting different. Don’t tell me I’m wrong because I know I’m not. I know you too well for that. Something’s on your mind and it’s bothering you and I wa-”

“It’s not like you care. So what’s your problem?”

Something snaps in Baekhyun. He can’t control himself when his feet move on their own, stepping closer to Chanyeol, halting only when there’s an inch of distance between them. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to like their sudden closeness or the absolutely livid look on Baekhyun’s face because he shuffles to put some distance between them, startled.

“I don’t care?” Baekhyun says in a dangerously quiet voice. His whole body is trembling; he’s not sure if it’s because of his anger or the pain in his heart. He clenches his fists, feels the blunt nails digging into his palm, feels the unshed tears burning in his eyes yet refuses to blink. He knows if he does that the flow of tears won’t stop. He would die than show his tears of weakness to his love.

“I don’t care?” Baekhyun repeats, this time a bit louder yet the bite is still there. “That’s what you think? Huh? You think I don’t care about you? That I don’t worry about you? That I don’t worry every time you’re late to come home? Every time you overwork yourself in the studio without any food or rest? Every time someone posts hate comments about you? _Every fucking time_ you look down or sad or just an ounce out of your usual happy self?! You’re fucking wrong Chanyeol! I _do_ care!”

Baekhyun is shouting at this point and he’s sure that the rest of the members can hear him loud and clear. Chanyeol looks stumped; his eyes wide and lips slightly parted as he watches Baekhyun as if the petit blond is a complex puzzle that he can’t solve. Baekhyun scoffs sardonically. When he speaks again his voice is unnaturally calm with so much hurt lacing every word.

“I _care_ , Park Chanyeol, I _fucking care_. You know why?” Baekhyun doesn’t expect an answer to his rhetorical question but smiles sadly when Chanyeol slowly shakes his head, eyes widened in anticipation. “Of course you don’t.”

Baekhyun gulps down a sob and blinks despite his previous thoughts. A single tear rolls down his cheek and he sees Chanyeol following its movement with his eyes and he has to try very hard to keep the rest of his tears at bay. Baekhyun bends down to Chanyeol’s eye level and stares into the brown orbs swirling with confusion, disbelief and something else Baekhyun can’t decipher. He makes sure he has Chanyeol’s undivided attention on him; not that it wavered since Baekhyun’s outburst, and whispers.

“You don’t _deserve_ to know.”

With that Baekhyun straightens, turns on his heel and marches out the door, closing it loudly, his tears falling freely. If he kept his gaze on Chanyeol’s eyes a second longer, he would’ve witnessed the look of indescribable sorrow and regret glazing the rapper’s ever-so-expressive eyes.

 

Baekhyun keeps quiet. Throughout dinner he gets concerned looks from his friends but he doesn’t look up from his plate. They all know that he and Chanyeol had yet another fight but they all know better than to interfere. Only Kyungsoo and Minseok hug him and pat his shoulder with reassuring smiles to which he’s more than grateful. Out of the group those two are the only ones who know about Baekhyun’s feelings for Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s glad that he has the two of them as his pillars of strength when he feels like all hope is lost. 

Baekhyun doesn’t break his resolve even on the next morning when all of them run hectic towards their respective cars, luggage in hand and yelling their goodbyes. He’s glad that he had packed early and had wheeled and placed the suitcase in the living room before the incident with Chanyeol happened. He couldn’t have been able to find the courage to reenter their shared bedroom otherwise. He had slept on the couch that night refusing all the offers of sharing a bed with one of his friends with a small smile on his lips and shake of his head. He didn’t want to burden any of them with the crying he was sure to occur in the middle of the night. 

He feels Chanyeol’s gaze on his back when he wishes Kyungsoo and Jongin a safe trip and a fun time in a quiet voice. He can’t even get himself to tease the two of them. They don’t complain though; just hug him back tightly and wish him the same. Baekhyun tries very hard not to let his eyes wander to Chanyeol when he gets in the car. He waves to the remaining members and settles in his seat comfortably, putting on an impassive face when the car passes Chanyeol who’s just beside the road staring at Baekhyun. The blond lets his resolve crack a little as he stares at Chanyeol’s figure becoming smaller and smaller and finally disappearing in the side mirror.

Baekhyun keeps his impassive face throughout the ride, watching as the scenery passes by outside of his window, but not really noticing any of it. He ignores the driver’s attempts at sparking up a conversation during the long ride. He knows he should feel bad about disregarding the man; he was just trying to lift the mood, but Baekhyun can’t bring himself to care.

_Care._

He wasn’t supposed to care. That’s what Chanyeol implied. In his point of view and almost everyone else’s, he and Baekhyun were enemies, two people who hated each other with all their might. So it’s not a surprise that Chanyeol believed that they don’t care about each other; Chanyeol certainly didn’t, Baekhyun’s sure of that. Then why would the rapper expect Baekhyun to care about him? He _didn’t_ expect it, of course. Yet Baekhyun did. Baekhyun _did_ care.

How could he not? Chanyeol is the love of his life. His other half. 

People should care about the ones they love, shouldn’t they? Baekhyun does. With all his being. He cares for Chanyeol more than anyone in the world; he’s sure of it. 

He stays up until Chanyeol comes back to the dorm alone, from a long tiring night in the studio. He keeps Chanyeol’s share of the dinner in the microwave so that the tired rapper doesn’t need to go through the hassle of reheating it. He sits still on his bed listening to the sounds Chanyeol makes and hastily crawls under the covers when he hears the heavy footsteps in the hallway. He lets sleep take over him only when he knows that Chanyeol is in his bed, safe and sound. 

Baekhyun protects him; to the maximum of his abilities. He leads the cameras away from Chanyeol when he knows he’s tired and his appearance is not the best. Some nights Baekhyun notices that Chanyeol’s too tired to even close his eyes when he’s asleep. He knows that’s because of his illness. Baekhyun of course doesn’t go to sleep without checking if Chanyeol’s eyes are properly closed, and if they aren’t he takes it upon himself to do it without hesitation. 

Even the smallest things; changing the station when the song is something Chanyeol hates, buying that specific brand of ramyeon even though Chanyeol’s the only one who likes it, keeping the refrigerator stocked full of Chanyeol’s favorite energy drink, never letting it run out, Baekhyun could go on and on. 

The point is, Baekhyun cared, when he shouldn’t have. He should’ve just let Chanyeol go to sleep starving. He should’ve laughed and teased about his condition. He should’ve turned the volume to the maximum when a song that Chanyeol hates came up. Baekhyun should’ve accepted his role as Chanyeol’s enemy, always bickering, fighting, never looking past what meets his eyes. He shouldn’t have carried on his behind-the-scenes ministrations despite knowing he would never be recognized for them or appreciated or have it returned.

Of course, Baekhyun didn’t do it expecting anything in return. He only did it because he loved Chanyeol. With all his heart. He couldn’t bear to see his beloved in the slightest of discomfort. His heart ached whenever Chanyeol was in pain; mentally or physically. He did his best to ease the pain away; unbeknownst to everyone, especially Chanyeol. Silently, he bore the pain with Chanyeol, as one. And it hurt; genuinely. Because whatever he did, Chanyeol didn’t know it was Baekhyun who did it. 

He’s never going to see Baekhyun for what Baekhyun wants him to see him; a loved one. This painful truth hits Baekhyun far too often. Now it has grown tenfold after Chanyeol has openly declared that he doesn’t want Baekhyun to care for him. 

Well, not _declared_ , but, he _implied_ it. And that’s enough for a sensitive soul like Baekhyun.

 

 

A whole week passes by in the blink of an eye. Baekhyun marvels at how people take spending time with their loved ones for granted. The more you enjoy it, the faster the time flies. People shouldn’t waste time sulking about their unrequited loves when they could spend that precious time receiving all the love in the world from people who actually love them.

A whole week free of thoughts about Chanyeol. At least that’s what Baekhyun had hoped for; desperately. But the gods must’ve had grudge with him or something because he couldn’t find an hour during this past week that he didn’t think of the tall rapper. He would space out in the middle of a conversation. He would wake up later than he would normally with red-rimmed eyes, puffed from crying all night. If Baekhyun’s mother noticed these she didn’t say anything; she’s not the one to probe. Besides she knows that Baekhyun tells her everything when he feels ready.

But a whole week of seeing her son crying and moping around must’ve thrown her patience out of the window because the night before Baekhyun’s departure she literally corners Baekhyun and orders him to fess up.

Hence, now.

Baekhyun is sitting on the couch in the living room illuminated only by the light of the setting sun. He wrings his hands, eyes cast downward. He feels the heavy inquiring gaze of his mother awaiting an answer but he can’t bring himself to meet it. He’s never felt like this around his mother; closed off and distant, they were always the best friends who shared everything. Yet Baekhyun doesn’t want to share this. He feels ashamed at himself for getting worked up over something so petty.

“Baekkie,” He hears his mother’s worried voice and feels the comforting touch of her hand rubbing circles over his tensed back but can only sigh in return, eyes still set on his fiddling fingers. “Talk to me honey, please.”

“Ma, it’s nothing ok? I’m fine.” Baekhyun makes an effort to keep his voice even but fails.

“It’s not nothing. You don’t mope around and cry all night over _nothing._ ” Still Baekhyun keeps quiet. He’s half hoping his mother would just drop it but realizes he has no such luck when she starts talking again. “Honey, you know you can tell me anything. I won’t judge. Just tell me Baekkie please. It hurts me to see you like this.” 

Baekhyun looks up to his mother’s eyes when he hears the pained tone of her voice. Her eyes are glazed with unshed tears. 

_Sharing the pain as one._ He looks away.

“Chanyeol did something,” His mother quietly asks. “Didn’t he?”

Baekhyun sighs. There’s really no hiding anything from his mother. Might as well get it over with.

“He told me that I shouldn’t care about him.” Baekhyun nonchalantly says; or so he thinks, willing the memories to stay away, not looking forward to bawl his eyes out, again. “And, I don’t know, it just- I realized that whatever I do for him, he’ll never change his perspective of me.” 

The first tear falls. He hastily brings up his hand to wipe it, sniffing. 

“He’ll never stop hating me.”

“Oh honey.” Baekhyun lets himself be wrapped around his mother’s comforting embrace. She rocks their bodies back and forth, a gesture Baekhyun finds very soothing but it doesn’t stop his tears from falling. Seriously he’s beyond tired of crying by now.

“I’m pathetic.” Baekhyun carries on. “I hate it that it hurts but I can’t stop myself either. I want to stop, ma. I don’t wanna live my life like this. Pining for someone i can never have. It’s just- it hurts so fucking much.”

Baekhyun’s rambling, his tears soaking his mother’s dress. His whole body shakes from the uncontrollable sobs, but his mother patiently waits. She caresses his back softly, placing kisses to his hair every now and then. Her comforting presence seems to have calmed Baekhyun down effectively because he recovers sooner than his other breakdowns. For a while, all that can be heard in the dimly lit living room is the clock ticking and Baekhyun’s quiet sniffles. His mother waits until he’s completely relaxed.

“That’s not the Byun Baekhyun I know.” 

She says it with such a playful manner, Baekhyun holds his breath momentarily. 

“Ma?” He squeaks.

“Remember when you were little, third grade, I think, there was this project for school and you made an amazing replica of the solar system? You slaved over that thing for months treating it like it was your baby. But three days before the presentation your father got drunk and smashed it to pieces. Do you remember that?”

Baekhyun nods, not knowing where she’s going with this.

“You were devastated. Cried for a whole hour. And when I told you to forget about it and make something else, you looked at me like I just told you that aunt Jieun was coming to stay with us and picked up the pieces and ran to your room. And you somehow managed to piece it all together by the time of the presentation. You got an A even. Remember?”

“Yeah ma I remember. But what does that have to do with anything?”

“What I was trying to say Baekkie, is that you, don’t give up.” His mother frees him of her overwhelming embrace and brings her hand to cup Baekhyun’s face, directing his eyes straight at hers. “You hate feeling like you’ve lost. After everything you’ve done, you’re not the one to throw it all away because of one small hurdle in the way. That’s not the son I’ve raised.”

“Um, ma, I don’t think it’s the same thing-”

“Of _course_ it’s the same thing.” She sounds annoyed now. “You pined over this boy for two years. I’m so proud of you for that Baekkie. You were so brave.”

Baekhyun’s furrows his brows in confusion.

“You followed your heart. Not your head. Didn’t care about him hating you or what would happen to you if anyone found out. You had faith in your love, for two years. Where’s that faith now?”

“I-”

“You had faith in yourself to redo that project all over again. Months’ worth of work in three days. And you aced it.” His mother doesn’t take her eyes away from Baekhyun’s. He feels so overwhelmed, he can only stare at his mother eyes widened and mind reeling. “Can’t you have faith in yourself _and_ Chanyeol that you’ll overcome this?”

“Ma, you’re basically asking me to suffer.” Even as he says this, Baekhyun can feel the courage and the determination settling in his chest. For what, he doesn’t know.

“Just a little bit longer.” His mother assures him. “But Baekkie, he has to know. You gotta talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Otherwise you’ll be stuck like this forever.”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that.” Baekhyun sighs forlornly and hangs his head.

“Hey, chin up.” His mother hooks a finger under his chin and lifts his head. She flashes him an encouraging smile. She looks like she's about to say something very wistful. “You better figure it out.”

“That’s it?” Baekhyun can’t believe this. 

“Well you can’t expect me to tell you _everything,_ can you?” Baekhyun shakes his head fondly at his mother before throwing his arms around her and hugging her tightly.

“Thanks ma.”

“Yeah yeah, now go and pack. You got an early train to catch.” 

 

After dinner, Baekhyun lies on his bed thinking about what his mother said. She was right. He has to have faith in himself and Chanyeol to make this work. He chastises himself for even thinking of abandoning his feelings. He realizes that only he’s to blame for all the hurt he’s undergoing. He needs to open his heart. 

For two years Baekhyun hid his feelings in his heart, putting up a façade in front of Chanyeol. He needs to break that. Chanyeol only knows him as the midget with an annoying voice who doesn’t deserve to be a part of EXO. He’s going to change that. Baekhyun has to make Chanyeol see that it’s not all there is to him. 

He’s not going to give up on his love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know I'm irregular with the updates, but I'm working on it. 
> 
> To the lovely readers, I lv u so much and thank you for reading my story. :)))) 
> 
> Oh and don't be confused by Chanyeol's almost bipolar behavior in this chap and the following two or three chaps. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that.  
> Enjoy! :)

Standing in front of the dorm now, Baekhyun doesn’t feel an ounce of the tense and wounded feelings he had felt a week ago upon leaving. Instead he feels elated, his mother’s words ringing in his ears more often than he can count.

_Have faith._

He will. He’ll believe in himself to endure it a little longer if it means being together with Chanyeol in the end.

But with it, comes the hardest part Baekhyun absolutely doesn’t look forward to. _Confessing._ He’s gonna have to confess his feelings to Chanyeol one way or other. But he dreads Chanyeol’s reaction. Will he laugh in his face and tease him about it for the rest of his life? Or will he laugh in his face and avoid him for the rest of his life? Neither outcome looks good for Baekhyun; well what does he expect from a guy who hates his whole being?

Baekhyun tries to drive away the negative thoughts as he gets off from the elevator. He figures that spending more time with Chanyeol is the best way of getting closer to him. But exactly how to do that is what baffles him. With Chanyeol avoiding him now, it’ll prove to be more difficult. Baekhyun sighs, dejected.

He drags his suitcase behind him when he enters their dorm, struggling with its weight when he descends the three steps and setting foot in the living room. Thank God he didn’t have to climb steps to get here. That would’ve been a nightmare. The dorm is unnaturally quiet for once, but Baekhyun enjoys it. The other members are yet to come; they’ll probably arrive the next evening, since they don’t have anything on their schedules for two more days. It means Baekhyun has much deserved alone time for about a day without any obnoxious yelling assaulting his poor ears. It’s the perfect opportunity to gather his thoughts together and figure out what to do; since his mother was of no help on _that._

Baekhyun wheels the heavy suitcase to his room, where he’ll unpack later. He now needs a hot bath and a couple hours of rest. He’ll worry about lunch when he wakes up. He looks around the room. Nothing’s amiss on his side of the room, but can’t be said the same for Chanyeol’s. It looks like the aftermath of a hurricane; to be put mildly. _He couldn’t even tidy up the place before he left?_

Baekhyun drags his hand down on his face, the exhaustion finally setting in. Four hours on a train is not something he particularly enjoys. Now he has to deal with this too? He could clean up later but Baekhyun despises untidiness. He won’t be able to sleep comfortably in this mess. With a tired sigh he moves to pick up Chanyeol’s clothes on the floor. One by one he tosses them into the laundry basket, cursing the messy giant under his breath. With all his attention on the task he doesn’t hear the light footsteps approaching the room. With the same obliviousness he turns to Chanyeol’s bed. He’s about to pick up the crumpled up sheets when a deep voice speaks up from behind him.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Minutes later, when he looks back on this moment, Baekhyun would want to dig up a hole and bury himself in it because he _screams_ ; he hates how his voice sounds like a little girl’s when he screams. The shock must’ve been intense because he trips on fucking _air_ and lands on his butt as he whips around to the voice.

And to make matters worse, it’s none other than Chanyeol himself, standing in the doorway, wearing only a towel to cover his lower half. His still wet hair-

_Wait back up._

Baekhyun’s eyes widen comically. Before he could emit another embarrassing sound he hastily covers his mouth because fuck. Chanyeol’s in front of him, half naked, displaying his Adonis-like figure to Baekhyun’s innocent eyes and not looking even a bit awkward about it. He must’ve been in the shower because his hair is still wet, dripping droplets of water down his well-defined torso and faint lines of his abs. His prominent V-line is teasingly visible just above the hem of the towel. Baekhyun has seen Chanyeol shirtless before but not like this. Body glistening with water, muscles rippling with each breath he takes. The petit blond feels hot all over. 

He tries to convince himself that it was embarrassment for screaming like a little girl.

“M-mf wus jas c-cleegig!” 

“I can’t understand you smartass.” Chanyeol irately says.

Baekhyun’s confused for a moment before realizing that he had eloquently spoken with a hand over his mouth. He hastily takes his hand away and stands up. Chanyeol rolls his eyes in exasperation. 

“I was just cleaning!” Baekhyun snaps trying to maintain even the last bit of his dignity. “You know I hate being messy. This place looked like a fucking pigsty. I was cleaning it up a bit.”

“Oh good, thanks,” Chanyeol offhandedly says and Baekhyun freezes. Did Chanyeol just thank him? He, Byun Baekhyun was thanked by Park Chanyeol? What the fuck? It can’t be considered as a faux pas, right? He actually just said it; minus the sincerity. Maybe Baekhyun’s overreacting to something Chanyeol didn’t really mean?

With his mind in chaos, Baekhyun doesn’t register Chanyeol moving closer to him with a concerned stare. As soon as the blond sees a couple of pert nipples in his field of vision, he flinches away as if he was electrocuted, breathing heavily. Baekhyun feels the heat on his cheeks and he knows that he’s blushing madly right now. Chanyeol looks honestly amused. 

“You can’t just do that!” Baekhyun shouts and points an accusing finger at Chanyeol hoping the red on his face would pass as (fake) anger. 

“Do what?” Chanyeol innocently asks. “Seriously Baekhyun, why are you acting like a fucking virgin? It’s not like you haven’t seen naked men before. You shower together with half the guys in our dorm.”

Baekhyun chokes on his spit. He just had to say that.

“Anyway,” Chanyeol doesn’t let Baekhyun wallow in red-hot embarrassment for too long. He turns to his closet and starts rummaging through his clothes. “Why are you here so early? I thought you’d stay away for as long as possible after,” Chanyeol’s voice takes on a slight tremor. And Baekhyun has to strain his hearing to catch what Chanyeol mumbles next. “After what happened.”

Baekhyun gapes. He had actually forgotten about that. Park Chanyeol in only a towel can be that distracting, it seems. Well, Baekhyun had somewhat forgotten about their grave dispute since his muddled up thoughts were sorted out with the help of his mother. He didn’t hold any hard feelings against the tall rapper or wounded sentiments caused by the whole ordeal anymore; he usually couldn’t for any more than one day (that’s how much he loves Chanyeol), but too many crushed hopes and damaged expectations had prolonged the healing process of his heart this time. Nevertheless, Baekhyun wasn’t in pain anymore.

Then why did it sound like Chanyeol was?

“I-I uh,” Baekhyun stutters, crossing his arms in front of chest and directing his gaze to the floor. “I just wanted some time for myself. Everyone was supposed to be here tomorrow so- everyone- wait why are you here then?”

Chanyeol turns around at Baekhyun’s question, his lips curled up in a smirk and not a trace of pain Baekhyun had detected five seconds ago. _Was he imagining it?_

“Why indeed?”

Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows at the reply he gets in return. But before he has enough time to react to it properly, Chanyeol is beside him, with that deadly smirk and a teasing glint in his eyes. Baekhyun stiffens. He feels like he’s getting whiplash in the most frustrating way with Chanyeol’s every action and word today. He’s acting weirder than he did a week ago; actually he’s acting weirder than Baekhyun’s ever known him to be. 

“So,” Chanyeol speaks up tilting his head as if he’s curious. Baekhyun coos internally at the cute gesture. It’s not a wonder that he finds Chanyeol cute and adorable because he is. It’s very hard not to be affected; Baekhyun gave up ages ago. Chanyeol’s like a little kid in almost everything he does involuntarily, his grin, his eye smile, his silly remarks. Baekhyun loves that he just has that aura with him; the childlike, innocent, pure- “You wanna watch?”

It takes a minute for Baekhyun to understand what the rapper meant and when he does, his eyes widen to the size of saucers. And he’s pretty sure his jaw is on the floor.

“You fucking pervert!” Baekhyun screams recoiling away from the laughing giant who teasingly moves his hand to the towel as if he’s going to take it off. Baekhyun yelps again and covers his eyes. He’s sure he’ll explode at any moment now. “You- fuck! I can’t believe you- oh my fucking god! How the fuck can you just say- fu-”

“Hey, you’re the one who’s still here.” Chanyeol shrugs casually, placing his clothes down on the bed. “And dial it way back with the F-word Byun. You’re still a fetus.”

“The fu-” Baekhyun gulps at the hard stare Chanyeol sends him. “You-you can’t say that to me, I’m older than you!”

“I’m taller than you.” Chanyeol retorts grinning.

“Ugh, stupid genes.” Baekhyun mumbles under his breath glaring at the smirking rapper.

“You’re still here, so I’m gonna assume that you in fact want to watch so Imma just go ahead and change-”

“NO! Just shut up, what the f-fudgenuggets!” Baekhyun screeches and turns to his suitcase, hastily opening it and rummaging through it. He manages to piece together a decent outfit in record time and snaps at Chanyeol before practically running out of the room. “You’re impossible.”

“Nope, it’s just me, Park Chanyeol!” He hears Chanyeol’s childish response as he runs along the hallway, his whole face burning with embarrassment. As soon as he reaches the living room he halts in his steps, realization dawning upon him.

Chanyeol’s here, with him, in the dorm. 

_Alone. Just the two of them._

Baekhyun’s going to have to spend a day alone with Chanyeol in the dorm without Joonmyun or Yifan to break up their fights, or Kyungsoo or Minseok to comfort him. Baekhyun feels laughter bubbling up in his throat at his mishap. So he throws his head back and laughs.

In some twisted way, his wish was granted. He wanted to spend time alone with Chanyeol to become closer to him, and now he can. He got what he wanted.

Baekhyun wants to die. Because this was not what he had in mind.

_Well then, what exactly did he have in mind?_

Baekhyun purses his lips, unable to find an answer to that question. He groans, burying his head in his hands and realizes he still has to take a bath. He decides that he’ll figure out what to do after he locks himself in Kyungsoo’s room (No, he’s not a scaredy-cat. He just needs to work out a battle strategy, that’s all.), and makes his way to the bathroom. 

 

Half an hour in ice-cold water leaves Baekhyun in a shivering mess. He chastises himself for making it that cold but it was either that or an awkward jerk off, which he’ll feel absolutely guilty of later, so the choice was not that difficult. He wraps his arms around himself when he feels the shivers running down his body. So he slowly walks to the kitchen to make himself a hot cup of coffee. He doesn’t expect Chanyeol to be there, with his head shoved in the refrigerator. The rapper straightens up when Baekhyun walks in.

“Fridge is empty. We’re gonna have to go buy some food if we don’t want to starve.”

Baekhyun gapes. 

“Chanyeol,” He speaks up meekly and holds up an arm in front of Chanyeol. “Pinch me.”

“Why would you want me to pinch you?” Chanyeol looks perplexed at Baekhyun’s strange request.

“Because I wanna know if I fell asleep on the train and dreaming a really weird dream right now.” Baekhyun evenly says, still in disbelief.

Chanyeol looks apprehensive when he lifts his hand to pinch the smaller blond. Baekhyun feels Chanyeol’s fingers grazing his skin and another tremor runs through his body. Baekhyun’s dreamy expression changes and his face cringes in pain when Chanyeol squeezes the tender flesh on his arm. He lets out a belated ‘ow’ cradling his arm to his chest and rubbing over the reddened spot. He shoots an accusing glare to the bemused rapper.

“Not that hard!” Baekhyun whines and Chanyeol shakes his head.

“You’re so weird.” He turns to the coffee machine.

Baekhyun huffs. Maybe it’s true, he _is_ weird. Maybe Chanyeol suggesting going on grocery shopping together is not weird at all. Chanyeol, the guy who hates him, who avoided his being like the plague a week ago wants to go grocery shopping together. Yep, not weird at all. Baekhyun feels his head throb. He lifts his hand and starts to massage his forehead with his eyes closed. But they snap open not a minute later when he smells the strong waft of freshly brewed coffee right under his nose, and comes face to face with a steaming mug of coffee being handed to him by none other than Chanyeol.

“We leave in ten minutes.”

Chanyeol shoves the mug into Baekhyun’s trembling hands and walks away with his own mug in hand. Baekhyun stands there dumbly, mouth open, staring down at the dark liquid.

“H-hey, wait!” Baekhyun shouts after the rapper who stops and turns with an eyebrow raised. “Why can’t Junmyeon or Yixing take care of it when they get back tomorrow? We have enough food for today.”

Baekhyun doesn’t know why he looked the gift horse in the mouth but being the curious soul he is, he has to make sense of Chanyeol’s peculiar behavior. Call him crazy, but he feels Chanyeol actions today towards him are similar to those directed to, at least an acquaintance; ‘friend’ is going too far, he knows.

“By ‘food’ you mean junk.” Chanyeol puts the word ‘food’ in air quotes and Baekhyun scowls. He hates it when someone mocks his ramyeon and chips. “And I don’t want the blame on me when Junmyeon finds out that we had the chance to stock up but didn’t.”

 _Of course._ Baekhyun scoffs.

“Five minutes!

“What?! You said ‘ten minutes’ just three seconds ago!”

“And in three more seconds from now it’s gonna be two minutes, so hurry the fuck up.”

“Who died and put _you_ in charge?”

“Well somebody has to look after your midget ass when the real grownups aren’t here.”

“And that somebody is you? That’s fucking hilarious Park, you can’t even look after yourself.”

“I look after myself just fine, and fortunately for you, I don’t mind the extra baggage.”

“Did you just call me-”

“Ok, two minutes. You coming or not?”

“I would, if you give me reasonably enough time to get ready!”

“Byun!” 

 

 

Baekhyun walks along the aisles, a grocery list in hand, whipping his head around to spot the items in said list. He barely had enough time to put together a list of food they were in shortage of (he knows fairly well that Chanyeol doesn’t know the first thing about shopping and therefore he had to it), before Chanyeol was shouting at him to hurry his ass up. They had taken a company car, completely silent throughout the ride, not even the radio was on. Baekhyun had been dying of nervousness, his fingers fiddling continuously with the hem of his shirt. 

Chanyeol had been blissfully unaware of Baekhyun’s internal chaos, gripping the wheel in such a cool manner; Baekhyun had resisted the urge to squeal. The taller had already taken the driver’s seat and was drumming his fingers on the wheel impatiently by the time Baekhyun had reached the car. Throughout the ride of fifteen minutes Baekhyun had tried to make even the slightest sense of what was going on. His feelings were so tangled up, he felt drained just by thinking about figuring them out. Chanyeol’s strange behavior was confusing him, immensely. Just a week ago they couldn’t even hold a decent conversation without clawing at each other’s throats; figuratively. Now Chanyeol was making him coffee and taking him shopping? Those do not happen with Chanyeol if Baekhyun’s involved; they just don’t. That’s how it had been for two years. So what the hell had happened to him over this week to make him this different? 

By the time they reached the store Baekhyun had given up thinking about it. 

Baekhyun spots the breakfast cereal he wanted and picks up three boxes of it. He turns around searching for Chanyeol who was in charge of the trolley only to find him right behind him. Chanyeol narrows his eyes at him when Baekhyun flinches upon seeing him. Only their eyes are visible, of course, due to their face masks.

“Did you get the meat?” Baekhyun asks indifferently.

“Yeah, here.” Chanyeol points to six packets of red meat in the trolley. Baekhyun nods and checks the list. 

“Ok, come on. We need to get some fruits.” Baekhyun hands Chanyeol the list and starts to walk forward.

“Why? I hate fruits.” Chanyeol protests, pushing the trolley cart.

“The rest of us don’t.” Baekhyun quips leading Chanyeol to the fruits section. “And how come you hate fruits and not your smoothies and drinks? They’re basically blended fruits.”

“It’s different.” Baekhyun sends a questioning glance at Chanyeol who shakes his head. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Wasn’t trying to.” 

Baekhyun continues to pick up fruits of different kinds and shoves them into plastic bags. When he deems they’re enough he brings them all to the shop assistant next to the scale and hands them to him one by one to measure the weight and to tag the price. He thanks the young boy and drops them all in the trolley before moving on to the vegetables section and repeating the actions. He turns to Chanyeol to ask him to hand over the list when he finds the rapper staring at him with an amused twinkle in his eyes.

“What?” Baekhyun is suddenly self-conscious.

“Nothing, it’s just-” Chanyeol stammers as if trying to find the right words, but shakes his head and glances to the side. “Nothing.”

“Okay.” Baekhyun drawls shifting his eyes to the piece of paper. “Come on, let’s go.”

Chanyeol obediently pushes the trolley, following Baekhyun. Stepping foot into the beverages section Baekhyun scans the shelves for juices. When he spots what he’s looking for, he picks it up only to have it snatched right back by Chanyeol.

“Nuh uh, not that.” Chanyeol returns the orange juice carton back to where it was.

“What? Why not? You love that drink.”

“How do you know I love it?”

“Duh, it’s all you drank for the past three months.” Baekhyun plays it off coolly; or at least he hopes he does.

“Yeah, I can’t stomach the taste anymore now.” Chanyeol says, glancing over the stocked shelves. “Guess it’s time to switch to a new one.”

Baekhyun hums as he picks one carton up.

“How about this?” He holds it up for Chanyeol to see. The taller furrows his eyebrows showing his clear distaste.

“But it’s pear.”

“I know, but it tastes awesome. It’s one of my favorites.” Baekhyun notices the hesitation still being present in the rapper’s eyes. “It’s ok if you don’t like it. Let’s just look for another one-”

“NO!” Baekhyun flinches when Chanyeol shouts and rips the carton from his hands. A few of the shoppers glance their way at Chanyeol’s sudden outburst. “Let’s just buy the damn thing. I wanna try it.”

Baekhyun, still in shock, blinks dumbly. He can’t see the rapper’s face but the red tinged ears are clearly visible.

“Okay uh,” The smaller stares wide-eyed as Chanyeol picks up three more cartons and drops them in the trolley. “You’re gonna drink all of that?”

“No, stupid. It’s for the guys too.” Chanyeol pushes the trolley forward as he talks, picking up the members’ favorite drinks and dropping them on the pile. “Hey Byun, do you think Minseok hyung would like this one or this one?”

Baekhyun snaps out of his daze and runs to catch up with the taller who’s holding two different bottles of juice. He ponders for a moment and chooses one bottle. Chanyeol hums.

“Right, what’s next?”

Baekhyun fishes out the list from his pocket and reads through it. He mentally checks the items as he does it. He’s aware that Chanyeol’s face is really close to his when the rapper too bends to look at the list. Baekhyun clears his throat a little loudly before speaking.

“Eggs and milk?”

“First things I picked up.”

“That’s everything then. Let’s pick up some snacks on the way to the cashier.”

“Cool.” 

Chanyeol shrugs and starts walking, pushing the trolley. Baekhyun notices that he has to put more effort into it since it’s practically overflowing now. They attract the attention of several people along the way; with them dressed in black from head to toe with face masks on, and with them being two boys. Baekhyun scowls at the judgmental looks they receive. Chanyeol seems to be oblivious or ignorant to these stares as he confidently marches towards the cashier. 

As he does, he picks up small things here and there, mostly junk food, and Baekhyun scoffs. 

“I really hope you’re not buying those for yourself.” Chanyeol pauses for a bit before his eyes widen in realization. But he shrugs coolly.

“So what if I am?” 

Baekhyun shakes his head fondly and halts mid step when he realizes that he need new eyeliner. But the cosmetics section is all the way at the back and they’re almost at the cashier.

“What’s wrong?” He hears Chanyeol’s concerned voice speak up.

“I uh, I forgot to pick up an eyeliner.”

“You need one?” Baekhyun gives Chanyeol an _‘Are you serious?’_ look but belatedly realizes that he’s got a mask on.

“Obviously Park, I wouldn’t need it if you hadn’t stolen my brand new one.” Baekhyun tries so hard not to lose his cool.

“I’m not even gonna respond to that.” Chanyeol offhandedly says and Baekhyun crosses his arms in irritation. “But if you want one, I’ll get it for you.”

Baekhyun gapes. He’s been doing that a lot today. Wide-eyed (and wide-mouthed; if the mask wasn’t on) he watches Chanyeol who’s waiting for an answer. Did he just-

“Huh?” 

“I said I’ll go get one. I won’t take long. It’ll take forever for you with your midget legs.”

Oh.

Baekhyun reddens with indignation. Chanyeol mock salutes Baekhyun as he walks backwards and Baekhyun’s sure the rapper has a smug smirk on his lips. _Damn his long legs and super genes._

“Go over to the cashier, I’ll be right back!” Chanyeol yells before he disappears, leaving Baekhyun alone with the overloaded trolley. He stands there in stunned silence for a few seconds wondering what just happened. 

Chanyeol went to get him an eyeliner. That’s what happened.

_Okay._

Baekhyun pushes the heavy trolley over to the cashier, straining with effort. He huffs wondering how Chanyeol dealt with it, this whole time. He bows his head to the clerk who starts to scan the items one by one, looking over at him more often than Baekhyun deems normal. He shrugs it off thinking it must be because of his black getup and anxiously glances over the shelves, looking for Chanyeol. 

He’s about to take his gaze away when he spots the familiar mop of brunet hair over the other shoppers at the other end of the aisle nearest to Baekhyun. He looks overly enthusiastic as he waves his hand over his head at Baekhyun upon spotting him. Squinting his eyes, Baekhyun notices the little packet of eyeliner in the rapper’s hand. He’s waving it at Baekhyun as if he’s asking for his opinion on it. Baekhyun chuckles heartily at his antics and nods his head eagerly despite not having seen the brand. As soon as Baekhyun gives the silent approval, Chanyeol prances towards him, apologizing and bowing at the people he bumps into and Baekhyun can’t stifle his giggles.

Chanyeol reaches the counter and drops the eyeliner on it victoriously and Baekhyun’s heart swells. It’s the exact brand Chanyeol stole, or Baekhyun lost; he’s not that sure anymore. 

“Thanks.” Baekhyun mumbles excitedly and Chanyeol nods, drumming his fingers on the counter.

The store clerk gives them a funny look before adding the new item to the pile. The total price flashes on the computer and Baekhyun sucks a breath. That much huh? He’s about to take out his wallet when Chanyeol silently hands over his card to the awaiting clerk.

“Hey, no wait, we both gotta pay.” Baekhyun rushes out but Chanyeol shakes his head.

“I got it, don’t worry.”

Baekhyun opens his mouth to protest again but realizes he’s too late as the clerk returns the card to Chanyeol after swiping it. Baekhyun scowls at the taller. He should’ve let them both pay. That’s the rule Junmyeon had established. Whoever the two guys who get chosen for grocery shopping duty are, the total bill is to be divided between the two of them. It’s only fair. Yet, Chanyeol seemed to have an alternative in mind.

“Just don’t tell on me.” Chanyeol says as he lifts two of the heavy grocery bags full of their stuff.

“Shouldn’t _I_ be the one telling you that?” Baekhyun grabs the remaining two relatively light bags and follows Chanyeol who’s almost at the exit. Baekhyun hears Chanyeol scoff as they walk towards their car. The taller pops the trunk open before stuffing the bags inside and side steps for Baekhyun to do the same. It’s when the trunk is closed and they’re right beside their car doors, about to open them and get in, does all hell breaks loose; in Baekhyun’s opinion.

His stomach grumbles.

Baekhyun snaps his eyes shut and puts a hand over his stomach as if it would change the fact that his traitorous stomach just did that, in front of Chanyeol. Baekhyun feels a blush forming when the rapper clears his throat rather awkwardly. He opens his eyes hesitantly only to witness the said rapper staring at him.

“Did you eat breakfast today?” He asks and Baekhyun can detect a faint reprimanding tone in his voice.

Baekhyun slowly shakes his head. Hearing Chanyeol suck his teeth in a ‘tsk’ sound Baekhyun hangs his head like a little kid who’s being scolded by his parents. 

“When was the last time you ate something?” Baekhyun glances up at Chanyeol, who’s already looking at him with an accusing stare in his almond eyes. He can’t understand why Chanyeol of all people is getting worked up over him skipping his meals.

“Last… night?” Baekhyun says unsurely.

“So you haven’t eaten anything in more than twelve hours now?” Chanyeol raises his voice and Baekhyun widens his eyes in disbelief and with a little flutter in his heart.

“It’s not a big deal.” Baekhyun gets his normal tone back. “And why do you care?” 

Baekhyun stiffens when he realizes what he said. He squeezes his eyes shut and chastises himself internally. He wouldn’t dare to look at Chanyeol’s face after he said that. He would think of it as revenge, a jab in return to what he himself said a week ago. _Why did he have to say that? Just why?_ Baekhyun feels so ashamed he just wants to disappear from Chanyeol’s sight.

“I don’t.” Chanyeol suddenly says in such a cool manner Baekhyun’s eyes snap right open. The flutters in his heart die down instantly upon seeing the rapper’s hard eyes. “Why should I? I just can’t have you fainting or dying on me, I don’t want the responsibility.”

Baekhyun releases a shaky breath, still keeping his gaze on Chanyeol who’s now staring off to the distance as if contemplating something. Baekhyun feels tears forming in his eyes. He mentally slaps himself for expecting. Expecting for everything with Chanyeol today to actually mean something. He got carried away against his own better judgment. The coffee, shopping together, the playful yet concerned glances, almost civil conversations, _the eyeliner for fuck’s sake._ But deep down, Baekhyun knew all of it was too good to be true.

 _Why should I?_ Chanyeol had said.

Of course. Why should he? Chanyeol hated him. And everything that had happened today was because he didn’t want the blame. He didn’t want to be held responsible. He didn’t care about Baekhyun; especially not his wellbeing. 

Baekhyun marvels at how natural they were in the store. He realizes it now. The thoughts didn’t cross his mind even for a second; that Chanyeol hated him or he had unrequited romantic feelings for Chanyeol or that they were members of a world famous K-pop group. He didn’t know what they were; still doesn’t, with how they acted. They weren’t friends or lovers. They just got along really well. A little too well for Baekhyun’s frail heart. And the few moments where Baekhyun felt Chanyeol was almost gentle and affectionate towards him or that he was concerned about him, Baekhyun feels so stupid for flattering himself.

Baekhyun literally jumps when a loud honking blares right beside him. Snapping out of his pitiful ponderings, he realizes that Chanyeol is already inside the car.

“What’re you waiting for? Invitations? The red carpet? Get the fuck in.” Chanyeol yells and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. He takes a few seconds to recollect himself and exhales deeply before getting in. “Took you long enough.”

“What’s your hurry? The dorm isn’t going anywhere.” Baekhyun retorts as he puts on his seatbelt. The car roars to life.

“We’re not going to the dorm.” Chanyeol sing-songs and Baekhyun, bewildered and alarmed, whips his head around to face the rapper, who smiles at his expression. He takes the car out of the parking spot and enters the main road. “We need to make a little stop along the way.”

“Where? Why?” Baekhyun probes demandingly.

“Calm your tits Byun, I’m not gonna take you to an abandoned warehouse near the river, strap you to a chair and leave you there for the rats to feast on your flesh, though that sounds awfully delightful.” Baekhyun scowls at the dreamy expression on Chanyeol’s face. That was disturbingly vivid.

“Stop messing around, you dick. Tell me where the hell we’re-”

“I’m taking you to lunch.”


	4. Chapter 4

If someone had told Baekhyun a week ago that he would be taken on a date by Park Chanyeol, he would’ve downright laughed in that insane someone’s face. He has this laugh that’s loud and clear, where his eyes crinkle into adorable crescents and it’s contagious; one that Chanyeol had claimed to have hurt his ears, resulting in Baekhyun laughing as less as possible from then on. So, yeah, he would’ve laughed that. Because Chanyeol taking him on a date is… crazy. 

Absolutely and entirely impossible.

Yet here he is, defying his own sound logic. He’s on a date with the Chanyeol who had told him that he’s an undeserving worthless shit. Well, not exactly a date, since the rapper didn’t ask him on it; he practically kidnapped Baekhyun. Not that Baekhyun resisted or anything. They’re at EXO’s regular restaurant; where every employee knows who they are thus not needing any disguises and at the furthermost table from the entrance and out of sight, in the dim light, shielding them from prying eyes. It’s hardly a date. 

But, Baekhyun deludes himself. Again. He deludes himself into believing that Chanyeol took him to lunch because the rapper was concerned about his health, of his wellbeing. Baekhyun knows it’s far from the truth; the cold look on Chanyeol’s eyes when he said that he didn’t care was anything but fake. He used to pride himself, being able to read Chanyeol like an open book, but trying to make sense of Chanyeol’s actions and words today had proved to be as impossible as solving one of Luhan’s rubik’s cubes.

Baekhyun watches Chanyeol who’s in front of him, slurping noodles loudly when Baekhyun’s yet to touch his jajangmyeon. He had probed the greasy noodles with his chopsticks here and there for show and is certain it tastes absolutely delicious, but was afraid to touch it. He still is. And he knows if he got a taste, he would finish it in two minutes, that’s how hungry he is. 

But he doesn’t want this moment to end.

In this moment, Chanyeol cares. In this moment, Chanyeol doesn’t hate him. In this moment, Chanyeol is on a date with him.

But, all things come to an end, eventually. May they be good or bad. 

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol taps his chopsticks on Baekhyun’s bowl and the blond looks up. “Mind telling me what the hell’s wrong with you?”

“What-” Baekhyun clears his throat. “What’re you talking about?”

“I’m taking about you.” Setting down his chopsticks, Chanyeol leans backwards on his chair, sending a hard look at Baekhyun. “I didn’t buy you lunch to stare at it. You barely touched it and I know you’re dying of hunger. So let me ask you again,” With the same hard stare, the rapper leans forward, placing his elbows on the table and Baekhyun shrinks back. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing!” Baekhyun defends, his eyes widened as he looks at Chanyeol. “I’m just-”

“Please don’t say you’re not hungry because if you do Imma come over there and shove this down your throat.” Chanyeol menacingly whispers gesturing to Baekhyun’s bowl and the petit blond gulps.

“I-I wasn’t going to!” Chanyeol tilts his head mockingly, his eyes narrowed. “I’m not lying!”

He _is_ lying.

“Well,” Chanyeol sighs annoyed. “We’re not leaving this place until you finish every last bit in that bowl.”

That doesn’t sound so bad.

Yet, Baekhyun relents. Though he would just love being here with Chanyeol all day long, he can’t not give in to his grumbling tummy. So, he picks up the chopsticks, twirls the noodles a bit and slowly brings some to his mouth, all the while shuddering under the heavy scrutiny of Chanyeol’s watchful eyes. As soon as he bites the first mouthful, his taste buds overflowing with the spicy tang, his eyelids flutter shut without his own accord and he involuntarily lets out a moan of satisfaction.

The sound of a cough snaps him out from his food induced trance. Baekhyun directs his eyes to Chanyeol who struggles to get a good grip of his glass of water before bringing it to his mouth and taking huge gulps from it. His whole face is red, the hue comically visible on his large ears. 

“Chanyeol, oh my God, what’s wrong? You ok?” Baekhyun worriedly asks the brunet who’s breathing heavily after finishing his glass of water.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol coughs again into his closed fist. “Yeah I-I’m fine. Something stuck in my throat. I’m fine, it’s alright.”

“Oh jeez, um,” Baekhyun anxiously glances around the place before lifting up the jug of water. “Do you uh, do you need some more water? I can-”

“No, Baekhyun I’m fine.” Chanyeol says firmly but Baekhyun’s still apprehensive. Chanyeol probably noticed this because he rolls his eyes and flicks his head at Baekhyun’s bowl. “Eat.”

He starts stuffing his mouth with his share of noodles like nothing happened and Baekhyun closely regards him for a few seconds in worry. Only when he’s certain that the rapper is alright; in his point of view, does he sets down the jug and goes back to continue his meal. 

His stomach must be dancing in joy right now, for being fed after almost twelve hours. Baekhyun doesn’t even stop for a minute as he wolfs down the food in the side dishes alongside the noodles. His cheeks are puffed out adorably as he continues to stuff in more and more not even taking the time to chew. He picks up a chicken wing and Chanyeol’s hand comes to grab his, preventing him from putting it into his mouth.

“Slow down for Christ’s sake. You’re gonna get indigestion.” Chanyeol brings his other hand to hold onto Baekhyun’s wrist and rips out the chicken wing from Baekhyun’s unrelenting fingers making the blond whine. The warmth is gone in a second and he tries so hard not to squeal at how small his hand was covered by Chanyeol’s large one. “There’s no hurry, alright? Just take it slow.”

Baekhyun pouts and sniffs, looking miserably at his lost chicken wing which is now being gobbled up by the tall brunet. That was the last one. He gulps down the food in his puffed out mouth and sighs dramatically. Chanyeol must’ve noticed his forlorn expression because he groans in exasperation.

“We can order some more, you big baby.” As he talks, he calls over a waiter and Baekhyun has to force himself to not let out childish _‘Yay’_ s. As Chanyeol asks the waiter to bring some chicken wings and another jug of water, Baekhyun could see the man glancing at him like he had grown another head and Chanyeol trying to stifle his laughter in between his words. Baekhyun scowls suspiciously at the both of them. When the waiter leaves, Chanyeol bursts into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” He indignantly asks the laughing giant who cackles more at the question. Baekhyun flares up. If there’s anything he hates, it’s being laughed or mocked at. “I have half a mind to pour this sauce over your pompous head so tell me what the hell’s so funny before I lose the other half.”

“You-you got-” Chanyeol gestures his finger to Baekhyun’s face before cracking up again. Baekhyun remains seated, his arms crossed over his chest and fuming from tip to toe until Chanyeol calms down from his laughing fit. When he does, he looks at Baekhyun, still stifling giggles behind his closed fist and Baekhyun raises a brow, unamused. “You got grease, all over your mouth.”

Baekhyun gasps, eyes widening into the size of saucers. He hastily covers his mouth with his hand but the damage is done. Chanyeol breaks into chuckles once more; they’re lucky there aren’t many customers with how loud they’re being. Baekhyun reddens in belated realization.

“Oh my God, is that why that guy was staring at me?” He asks covering his flaming cheeks with his hands and slumping down his chair, smearing the grease all over his cheeks. Chanyeol looks like he’s over the moon when he nods with a cheeky grin.

_That’s it. His image is ruined. There’s no point in living anymore._

Baekhyun hiccups miserably and slams his head on the table, hiding the horrid appearance of his grease-covered face from the untainted eyes of the world. He continues to whimper and curse his clumsy self and Chanyeol inaudibly, but halts everything when he realizes-

“YOU!” Baekhyun straightens up in the speed of lightning and points an accusing finger at Chanyeol. “Why didn’t you tell me, you jerk?!”

“And miss this moment? No way in hell.” Chanyeol grins at him gleefully and Baekhyun’s heart skips a beat. That beautiful laugh which Baekhyun thought would never be directed at him, is now being directed at him; and the best part? This is not a dream.

“Here.” Chanyeol throws a napkin at Baekhyun’s still face and he flinches. The napkin hits square in his face and drops to his lap. Baekhyun glares at the offending item before picking it up and staring at Chanyeol questioningly. “Wipe your face, you look like a chipmunk.”

Oh?

_OH._

Of course, what did he expect?

Baekhyun chuckles at his silly thoughts as he wipes off his face. His eyes widen at the amount of grease that gets wiped off. Obviously, Chanyeol wouldn’t wipe it off himself or rub his thumb over the stain or lick or kiss it off like the male lead does in those clichéd romance novels. No sir, he would laugh his ass off at Baekhyun and would throw him a napkin to take care of the stain himself. _What a gentleman._

The waiter chooses that time to come over their table carrying a tray with a jug of water and a plate filled with chicken wings. Baekhyun reddens up once more in embarrassment as the waiter places the tray on the table. He can feel Chanyeol’s amused stare on him but he keeps his gaze to the side until the waiter leaves. He knows it’s rude but he’s petty like that. 

“You’re a childish brat, you know that?” Chanyeol shakes his head and goes to pick up a chicken wing.

“What do you want me to do?” Baekhyun slaps his hand away and pulls the plate close to him. “Just be like, _‘Hey, how’re you? How’s your day going? Sorry you had to see that, could you maybe forget about it?’_ ” Baekhyun starts ranting and Chanyeol rolls his eyes. “People don’t forget embarrassing things like that, especially if you’re an idol. They keep reliving it over and over and they tell everyone else and tweet about it and the whole world knows!”

“I think you’re overreacting Byun.” Chanyeol says unamused. “It was just a little stain. Come on, it happens to everybody.”

“It’s all your fault.” Baekhyun mumbles glaring at Chanyeol who scoffs.

“Enlighten me, because I fail to see how that’s my fault.” Chanyeol snobbishly says, smirking.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Baekhyun mutters under his breath before munching on a chicken wing.

How can he tell Chanyeol that he’s embarrassed because he got humiliated in front of him, his love? 

Struggles of unrequited love.

“So uh,” Baekhyun speaks up casually, hoping to change the subject. “Why are you back so early?”

“What, I can’t now?” Chanyeol retorts.

“It’s just a simple question, why can’t you answer it like a normal human being?” Baekhyun exasperatedly says, heaving a huge sigh.

“Overdramatic much?” Chanyeol quips and Baekhyun glares at him. “I was bored ok? And alone.” Suddenly a distant look takes over Chanyeol’s face as if he’s remembering something grave and Baekhyun thinks he should’ve kept his mouth shut. “And, I don’t know, I just- it doesn’t feel like home anymore. It never did.”

“Chan-”

“Ever since I can remember,” Chanyeol continues and Baekhyun so badly wants him to stop because he knows Chanyeol reliving unpleasant memories and Baekhyun doesn’t want him to. “My dad’s working all the time, he’s never home and my mom, kinda drifted, you know? Guess his absence, got to her somehow. She found some high-class friends and started to spend all day with them. Me and Yoora, we had enough money to do whatever we want, we had servants to do everything, but it wasn’t enough. We were both sick of it, so as soon as she could, she found a job and left. She used to say to me, ‘Chan, this house is a wasteland, there’s nothing here. No affection, no warmth, no love. You gotta get away from here or it’s gonna mess with your mind. You’re gonna become a shell of yourself. Promise me you’ll get away, promise me you’ll find a home.’”

“So I promised her.” Baekhyun listens with bated breath and a heavy heart. “I was lucky I had her, otherwise I would’ve gone mad for real. And when I was chosen for the audition at SM, I was- I was over the moon you know? I was so happy. I only thought about getting away from-from that house, meet new friends, do something worthwhile with my music, but, I never thought I’d find a home in all of those.”

Baekhyun takes a quick breath. He feels his heart swell in joy, seeing the small contended smile on the rapper’s lips.

“The guys gave me a home. A better one than anything I could’ve asked for.” Chanyeol fiddles with a napkin, tearing it apart. “I didn’t want to go back this time, I rarely do, but I-I missed them, which is crazy, there’s nothing to miss. I just wanted to see if anything’s changed, I guess. I thought, ‘Maybe they miss us now, maybe they’re regretting what they did. Maybe they’re waiting for us to come home.’” 

“But I was so wrong.” Chanyeol scoffs. “My parents still aren’t home, and the house is still a wasteland. It would’ve been better if Yoora were there like when we were kids, but she wasn’t and the silence was killing me. I was afraid I would go mad after three days, it was like the time had stopped and I was stuck. It made me realize how much I missed my real family, so, I, came back.” Chanyeol flashes a sad smile. “I knew I’d be alone in the dorm too, but at least, it was home.”

“Chanyeol, I-” Baekhyun gulps, blinking hard against the tears. “I’m-”

“Don’t.” Chanyeol snaps in a cold tone. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. _You_ got nothing to be sorry.” Chanyeol clears his throat awkwardly and looks to the side, mumbling. “Shit, I don’t know why I told you all that, what the fuck’s wrong with me?”

“I wasn’t gonna say I was sorry.” Baekhyun calmly says, a small smile on his lips and tears in his eyes and Chanyeol looks at him, warily. “I was gonna say that I’m glad. People don’t come out from a childhood like that unscarred. Most of them don’t succeed in life, they just wallow in self-pity and die alone. But you, you did succeed. You rose up despite your scars. You put your past behind you and found happiness and I’m so glad you did. I just-” His voice cracks and he bites his trembling lip, willing himself not to cry. 

“But, I _am_ sorry.” Baekhyun shrugs and smiles sadly. “You found a home in EXO, with the guys but uh, you probably never would’ve thought that I would come along and screw everything up, right? Even today, you must’ve been looking for some alone time and instead ended up with me.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

Baekhyun’s head snaps up to Chanyeol so fast he’s amazed it didn’t crack. He gapes at Chanyeol who’s smiling at him, his eyes glistening with so much adoration and gratitude. But in the blink of an eye it’s gone and Baekhyun wonders if his eyes are playing tricks with him, like his ears did.

“W-what? What did you-”

“I don’t regret anything that happened today,” Chanyeol says still wearing that beautiful smile. “Do you?”

Baekhyun stays frozen on his seat for God knows how long. He wants to say ‘NO!’ so badly but his brain is so muddled up and confused as hell to take control of his mouth and blurt out the goddamn word. Chanyeol doesn’t regret it. He doesn’t regret today. That means he must’ve enjoyed it, even a little. He enjoyed spending time with Baekhyun. Wait a second-

_CHANYEOL ENJOYED SPENDING TIME WITH BAEKHYUN!_

Baekhyun squeals, loudly. Blushing madly, he hides his face in his hands and doesn’t give a shit if Chanyeol’s there or if other customers can witness his emotional crisis. He replays Chanyeol’s words in his mind over and over again.

_I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret anything._

Chanyeol doesn’t regret anything.

Baekhyun doesn’t either. How could he regret _anything_ about the best day of his life?

The blond flinches when a warm hand grabs his wrist. He’s confused for a second before both his wrists are grabbed by a pair of strong hands and are pried away from his face.

“Jesus, you ok?! What happened?!” Chanyeol face comes into view, utmost concern swirling in his beautiful almond eyes; Baekhyun could drown in those swirls of perfection. “Baekhyun!”

“Huh?” Baekhyun blinks dumbly, before realizing that Chanyeol’s face is right in front of him, inches apart. Both pairs of eyes widen at their proximity before they recoil back as if they’re electrocuted.

“Uh, I-” Chanyeol awkwardly glances around while Baekhyun just sits frozen, mind numbed from the sense of elation. The rapper looks so nervous and embarrassed, as he struggles for words. If the situation were different, Baekhyun would’ve laughed hysterically at Chanyeol’s comical appearance. “You, don’t-don’t do that. You-you almost gave me a heart attack.”

Baekhyun doesn’t know what Chanyeol’s referring to so he just nods but his heart swells at the rapper’s words. Chanyeol mimics his action awkwardly, scratching the back of this neck.

“And uh-” He clears his throat not even glancing at the blond. “Thank you. I guess.”

If Baekhyun had thought he was elated before, he doesn’t have enough words to describe what he feels now. All of this feels new and foreign to him; these emotions. Sure, he was overjoyed and thrilled whenever Chanyeol even glanced a mere look at him before, but it’s nothing compared to what he feels when Chanyeol actually acknowledges his presence; enjoys his company. 

But Baekhyun likes it. He thinks he could get used to it. Only now he realizes the hammering in his chest had started the first time he saw Chanyeol today in the room, and is yet to cease. Only now he realizes the swarm of butterflies in his lower stomach had been there since Chanyeol suggested they go shopping together. They’re unlike the familiar butterflies or the typical rapid heartbeats he had gotten throughout these two years. 

It’s better a hundred times over. 

Baekhyun’s eyes water at the bittersweet emotions. As much as he revels in these sensations now, there’s no guarantee they would ensue forever. He doesn’t know if Chanyeol’s change would ensue forever. It could end as abruptly as it started. _Oh, how badly does Baekhyun want to stop time._

“For what?” Baekhyun blinks back the tears and smiles gleefully. He figures it’s best to enjoy the time he has with Chanyeol as carefully and lightheartedly as possible. “You gotta be specific, Chanyeol.”

“You know ‘what’.” Chanyeol snaps, rolling his eyes. “Have you done anything else for me to thank you?”

_You’d be surprised._

“Not that I can think of.” Baekhyun shrugs nonchalantly and Chanyeol scoffs, smirking.

“Exactly.” Baekhyun watches the rapper as he gulps down the rest of his glass of water and stands up. Chanyeol takes out his wallet and drops a few notes on the table and before Baekhyun can protest, he points his finger at him. “Not one word.” And Baekhyun reluctantly shuts up. Chanyeol looks mightily pleased as he stuffs his hands in his jeans’ pockets. 

“Let’s go Byun.”

 

 

The drive back had been a huge contrast to the one in the morning. Chanyeol had turned on the radio and Baekhyun couldn’t help but sing along with the songs that came on. He sang to his heart’s content, not caring if he was loud or if the lyrics were wrong; he just let out his happiness through singing. He was going to enjoy it while it lasted. Surprisingly though, Chanyeol hadn’t objected or shown his displeasure to Baekhyun’s voice. At one point, when Baekhyun quieted down to take a breath, he could hear the rapper softly mumbling the words.

Outside their apartment door, Baekhyun hadn’t hesitated to relieve Chanyeol’s hands of the grocery bags, when the rapper had struggled with them, trying to input the code. But as soon as the door was open, Chanyeol had taken the bags back, relieving Baekhyun of the added weight. _How considerate._ Baekhyun had stocked the pantry, shooing away Chanyeol when he had tried to help; probably a good idea considering his clumsiness. They hadn’t spoken much. But they’d moved at such a natural and routine precision; as if they’ve done it a hundred times. 

Now that Baekhyun’s refreshed from a four hour nap and thinking about everything that happened today while lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, he realizes how at ease he was with Chanyeol. How relaxed he was. He could be hallucinating, but he didn’t detect any uneasiness in Chanyeol’s posture either. They went with the flow, almost _domestic._ Baekhyun shudders excitedly at that.

He gets up from his bed. The sudden change in Chanyeol’s behavior isn’t something he can just let be. Sure, he wished Chanyeol would change when Baekhyun promised himself that he would do whatever it takes to become closer to Chanyeol. He would’ve accepted anything. But this, _this Chanyeol._ He unsettles Baekhyun. People don’t just change. They don’t go from hating a guy so intensely to taking him to lunch on an almost friends basis in one week.

But Chanyeol did. And Baekhyun needs to know why and how.

As soon as he gets out his room, he’s hit by a delicious aroma of cooking. Despite eating to his heart’s content just a few hours ago, his stomach rumbles. Baekhyun knows that it’s Chanyeol because there’s no one else in the dorm right now, so he silently trudges towards the kitchen, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of Chanyeol. Baekhyun halts mid-step when he does.

Chanyeol has his back to him, diligently moving around the kitchen, in a dance Baekhyun’s still amazed at. Despite his clumsiness in a lot of things he does, Chanyeol’s a master at cooking. And Baekhyun’s pleased to say that he’s had the privilege of tasting said cooking in more than one occasion, surprisingly.

Chanyeol must’ve sensed Baekhyun’s presence because he whisks around, and as soon as he spots the blond, he flashes a teasing smile.

“Mornin’, sleeping beauty.” Baekhyun chokes, a dark blush creeping up to his face.

“It’s not morning, genius.” Baekhyun wonders where his wit has gone.

“Huh, that’s odd.” Chanyeol passes a look at Baekhyun as he stirs something in a pot. “You didn’t say anything about the nickname. You’ve gone soft on me, Byun?”

“As if.” Baekhyun scoffs playfully. “I didn’t say anything because it was true. I _was_ sleeping, and I _am_ a beauty.” The blond gestures to his body with a smirk and Chanyeol fake gags.

“As if.” Chanyeol mocks in a high voice.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes at Chanyeol’s childishness. He’s well aware that the rapper can’t stand the sound of his voice. Why? He doesn’t know. Baekhyun has lost count of the times Chanyeol had said that his voice is annoying and nauseating; whatever that means. The blond turns around to leave, deciding it’s better to leave Chanyeol with his cooking alone.

“Where do you think you’re going?” 

“Um,” Baekhyun turns around and upon seeing the inquiring look on Chanyeol’s face, points a hesitant finger over his shoulder at the direction of the living room. 

“Oh no, you’re not.” Chanyeol marches forward and grabs Baekhyun’s shoulders from the back. With little force, Baekhyun’s pushed near the counter and before he can wrap his hand around what happened, an apron is flung at him. “If you think I’d let you laze around doing nothing while I slave over our dinner, you’re dead wrong. Put that on.”

“Chanyeol, what-” Baekhyun, despite his rightful worries, puts on the apron. Only now he realizes his and Chanyeol’s match, but he chooses not to dwell on that fact. “You know I can’t cook. I don’t even know how to handle a knife for Christ’s sake.”

“Relax, you’ll do fine.” Chanyeol waves a hand, dismissing it. He walks to the refrigerator and takes out several kinds of vegetables and puts them in a big bowl. “Here, wash these and chop them into small pieces. As small as you can without cutting your hand, got it?”

Baekhyun nods and Chanyeol moves away to check on a pot full of boiling red sauce. Baekhyun watches his calculated moves fascinatedly for a moment before moving to wash the vegetables. After he’s done, he places the cutting board out of Chanyeol’s way and begins chopping the vegetables, one by one, as Chanyeol instructed. Maybe he exaggerated his inability to handle a knife; he’s quite familiar with kitchen work. _Bless you Kyungsoo._

“So, what’re we cooking?” Baekhyun speaks up over the foreign silence between them when he’s done with the carrots.

“I don’t really know.” Chanyeol answers, shrugging. “I like to experiment, make new things. Hopefully this would turn out okay.” He flashes his award- winning smile and Baekhyun melts.

“Hopefully?” Baekhyun teases with a smile of his own. “It better because I’m starving and delivery food takes forever to get here.”

“You’re not eating any of that greasy shit on my watch, Byun.”

“Why not?!” Baekhyun loves greasy shit.

“Because.”

“That’s it? Just ‘because’?”

“Hey, I’m in charge here, alright? So do what I say.”

“You do know, that I’m older than you, so you can’t just order me around.”

“You do know, that I don’t care.”

_Deep breaths, deep breaths._

_“Wait till Junmyeon gets here, you disrespectful, conniving asshat, no-good sack of fecal matter, why do I even love you, you-you beautiful, smug piece of shi-”_

“You done?”

“No, I’m not done you dipshit! You can’t disrespect me like that just because I’m short, I’m your hyung! You don’t even call me that, what did I do to deserve this-”

“No, I meant, are you done with the vegetables? The pan is ready.”

Baekhyun’s mouth clamps shut. _Fuck! Did he hear it? He can’t have heard it, right? Baekhyun whispered that part. But what if he heard it? Then he wouldn’t be so chill like this right now, would he? Where the fuck is Baekhyun’s brain-to-mouth filter-_

“Baekhyun! Hurry up!”

“Yeah, yeah, coming.” Baekhyun takes a deep breath before he takes the bowl full of chopped vegetables to Chanyeol. “Here.”

“No, you’re in charge of that. Add some salt and pepper and fry them.” Chanyeol hands him a wooden spoon and lowers the flame of the stove. Baekhyun nods hesitantly.

Despite his previous protests, Baekhyun does as he’s told. He’s determined to not make a disaster of his cooking like he did every time with Kyungsoo. Because now, he has Chanyeol to impress. Baekhyun dumps the contents of the bowl little by little to the pan, adds salt and pepper, drizzles some soy sauce for the hell of it, and stirs. Baekhyun’s so immersed in his task, that he doesn’t see Chanyeol watching him, amused. He whisks his head around to sound of a throat being cleared.

“You seem quite familiar with… this. That’s,” Chanyeol pauses to poke a slice of steak in his own pan. “Shocking. Considering, it’s you.”

“Hardy har har, yeah go on, have your fun.” Baekhyun maturely sticks his tongue at Chanyeol’s smirk. “Were you expecting me to fail, Chanyeol? To embarrass myself in front of you? Hmm?”

“No!” Chanyeol drawls, playfully grinning at Baekhyun. “I was expecting you to run away the moment I mentioned cooking, like the chicken you are.”

“Oh, you piece of shit.” Baekhyun wrinkles his nose, annoyed. “Well the joke’s on you because I didn’t run away like a chicken. I’m still here see? So suck it.”

“Why?” Chanyeol asks in a quiet voice suddenly, making Baekhyun lose all his sass, feeling the atmosphere changing instantly. He turns to Chanyeol who’s already staring at him, an unreadable look in his eyes, the meat hissing on the pan, forgotten. “Why didn’t you run away? I’m not talking about now, I’m talking about today, this whole day. Why didn’t you leave?”

Baekhyun is speechless. He never imagined the exact questions he’s been meaning to ask Chanyeol, would be directed at him by Chanyeol himself. _Why didn’t you leave?_ Why didn’t he? Because he’s in love with the guy and wants to spend every living moment with him. That’s his reason. But how can he tell that to Chanyeol? Baekhyun knows that the point of getting closer to Chanyeol is to confess his love but he can’t. Not now. Baekhyun might very well be a chicken because he’s not ready for the change in his life which will come when he confesses.

“Come on Chanyeol.” Baekhyun scoffs, stirring the pan, maintaining the faux image he donned for two years despite his distaste of it. The _‘I hate you and I don’t give a shit about you’_ image. “You practically kidnapped me today. I had no choice but to go with you.”

“No you had a choice.” Chanyeol insists making Baekhyun sigh. “You could’ve stayed behind, it’s not like I’d _actually_ kidnapped you. You came with me just because I told you-”

“You guilt-trapped me into it! Remember?” Baekhyun frustratingly rubs his forehead, keeping his eyes away from Chanyeol in his obvious lie. “Seriously Chanyeol, I don’t know why you’re asking me about this. It’s not like it meant some-”

Baekhyun’s rant gets cut off by a high pitched shriek; his own. He stumbles backwards cradling his left hand to his chest, still tangled in utmost confusion as to what the hell happened. But the stinging pain that shot up his arm when he moved his fingers reminds him of that instantly.

“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol’s by his side in a second. Baekhyun can hear the panic in his voice. “Wha-what happened?! For fuck’s sake talk to me!”

Baekhyun grunts, his eyes watering; he could never tolerate pain well. He opens his clutched fingers and sucks a breath seeing the reddened skin on the palm.

“Shit.” Chanyeol grabs his wrist, careful to not graze upon the throbbing red mark and snaking his other arm around Baekhyun’s waist, he guides him to the sink. Turning on the tap hastily, he checks the temperature. “What happened? What’d you do?”

“I-I,” Baekhyun lets himself be manhandled; quite gently, to his surprise, his voice laden with pain. He hisses when Chanyeol guides his palm to be held under the cold flow of water, the pain heightening then fading slowly. “I-I only touched the handle, I didn’t know it’d be this hot. It didn’t even hurt at first.”

“Stop squirming. _Shit._ ” Chanyeol curses again. “That pan doesn’t have a cover for its handle. It’s totally metal. You touched red-hot metal.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” Baekhyun’s flinches when another wave of pain hits, but Chanyeol tightens his hold around his petit figure. “What kind of stupid ass company makes pans without handles? How’re people supposed to cook with those? Everyone’s gonna get their hands burnt. Not just me.” Baekhyun whines.

“What kind of stupid ass are you to not see that the handle is broken?” Chanyeol deadpans.

“What kind of stupid ass are _you_ to keep a pan that’s literally fatal to precious life, without throwing it away?”

“What kind of stupid ass are _you_ to touch a metal pan when it’s on the stove?”

“What kind of stupid ass are _you_ to let me cook in that when you clearly knew it was broken?!”

“What kind of stupid- urgh! I’m sorry!”

Baekhyun freezes. He blinks repeatedly replaying what Chanyeol said, but his eyes widen when he realizes the position he’s in. His injured hand is still under the cold flow of water, held by the wrist by Chanyeol. The rapper’s hovering over him from the back, basically trapping Baekhyun’s small figure between the sink and Chanyeol’s larger frame. Baekhyun gulps and exhales shakily. He can feel the impression of Chanyeol’s gentle hand on his waist, his warm breath on his neck, his strong chest on his back. Chanyeol's body feels so warm, Baekhyun's surprised he hasn't yet melted into a puddle of goo. He feels safe and snug in the rapper's hold, he doesn't ever want to leave it.

_Can’t this day get any better?_

“I’m sorry.”

_It just did._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii :)
> 
> So uh, these chaps r getting longer and longer idk what to do  
> I didn't even want to end this chap like this but it was getting too long :(
> 
> Can u guys guess what's goin' on with Chanyeol? His sudden change? ;)
> 
> See u in the next chap!!!


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m sorry.”

Two small words; hiding a myriad of emotions within. Even one of them Baekhyun would give his life to distinguish and understand, because being in the dark about Chanyeol’s feelings is taking a toll on him. Now, Baekhyun doesn’t know how to act around him, how to talk to him, how to feel about him. He’s being pushed and pulled to every and all direction by everything Chanyeol does or says, Baekhyun can’t comprehend his own muddled up feelings. He’s beyond the point of getting tired of it.

“I’m so sorry.”

Chanyeol repeats. And again, Baekhyun’s heart swells from the foreign emotions radiating from the words. _A myriad of emotions_ ; but he can only understand _‘regret’_. Chanyeol’s voice has regret lacing all over it.

“What? No. No.” Baekhyun shakes his head, taken aback by the belated understanding. He turns his head to look at Chanyeol and suddenly realizes their positions are yet to change. 

Chanyeol still has a firm yet tender hold on Baekhyun’s wrist, his burnt palm still being soothed under the cold flow of water. Chanyeol’s other hand is securely placed on the curve of Baekhyun’s waist, and his breath hitches, again, by the fact that he’s _this_ close to Chanyeol. He can literally count the eyelashes on Chanyeol’s pretty eyes. And what pretty eyes they are. Ever so expressive, but Baekhyun can’t read the look they’re harboring now. The blond’s stare falters when their eyes meet and falls on Chanyeol’s lips instead. _Big mistake._

Baekhyun blushes, hard. Because Chanyeol’s lips are _right there_. One wrong (right) move and they’d be kissing. Their position is a bit painful, especially for Baekhyun, having to turn his neck at an angle in order to stare at Chanyeol, nonetheless he does; and wonders what it would be like to kiss Chanyeol; not that he hasn’t fantasized about it a million times before. But he wonders how it would actually feel to have those lips against his own. They look so plump and moist, Baekhyun can almost feel the wet glide between their lips when they’d move against one another. 

He doesn’t realize he’s leaning towards Chanyeol until he feels Chanyeol’s hand on his waist tightening. Baekhyun pauses, terrified of Chanyeol’s reaction, but the rapper doesn’t move. He still stares at Baekhyun with that unreadable look in his eyes.

“Why should you be sorry?” Baekhyun suddenly finds his voice to continue, albeit very softly. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly, I didn’t do anything.” Chanyeol says in an equally quiet voice, as if he doesn’t want to disturb the calm atmosphere that has suddenly taken over the kitchen. Baekhyun blushes when Chanyeol’s warm breath tickles his face. “I knew that pan was, fatal, like you said.” Chanyeol chuckles quietly and Baekhyun can’t help but smile. “But I still let you use it. I should've thrown it away. _Fuck_. If I’d gotten rid of it this wouldn’t have happened-”

“Hey, hey,” Baekhyun chides, chasing the rapper’s eyes when they drop to the ground. “Hey look at me.” He smiles when Chanyeol hesitantly lifts his head and waits until they’re eye to eye. “Trust me when I tell you that this is _not_ your fault. You couldn’t have known this would happen. Neither of us could. But maybe it was inevitable, you know? With how clumsy I am.”

They both break into chuckles at Baekhyun’s words. It’s true. Besides Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s only one in EXO who’s the best at being clumsy. 

“I don’t blame you ok?” Baekhyun whispers. “I would never.”

Chanyeol’s smile falters for a second but Baekhyun beams when Chanyeol nods slowly but surely, never wavering his gaze from Baekhyun’s face. The gaze so intense, Baekhyun feels goosebumps rising on his skin and his breath hastening when Chanyeol starts to caress his waist ever so slowly. Chanyeol smells faintly of sandalwood and citrus and it smells _so good_ , Baekhyun has to try so hard not to bury his nose in Chanyeol’s neck and be enveloped in that scent forever.

His mouth feels dry all of a sudden, so he licks his lips, absentmindedly slowing down the glide of his tongue when he sees Chanyeol’s eyes following the movement. It’s like déjà vu, when Baekhyun settles his stare on Chanyeol’s lips. And he’s pretty sure he’s not thinking straight when he leans in, right as Chanyeol does too, both their eyes fluttering shut.  
It would’ve been amazing, out of this world, literally breathtaking. It would’ve been everything Baekhyun ever dreamed of, day and night. It would’ve put the big fat cherry on top of Baekhyun’s _best-day-of-his-life-_ sundae.

If not for the smoke alarm going off.

The shrill beeping of the alarm is _not_ what snapped the two boys out of their trance. Well, it helped to some point. No, it’s the sight of flames going up on the stove when they snapped open their eyes to the alarm, that did the trick. 

The next few minutes are a little hazy on Baekhyun’s mind. He remembers the sudden cold when Chanyeol breaks his hold around Baekhyun to go put out the fire. He remembers the panic when the flames went up, almost attacking Chanyeol’s face. He also remembers the pain on his left palm when he wets a kitchen cloth under the tap, to give to a struggling Chanyeol. He then remembers the mirth bubbling up in his body when he finally takes in the ridiculousness of the situation.

The stove is shut off, Chanyeol’s steak has a wet towel over it, smoke covering the room, Chanyeol himself is standing a few feet away from the stove, apprehension evident in his features, they’re both panting heavily as the adrenaline wears off, the smoke alarm is still beeping and Chanyeol and Baekhyun had almost kissed.

Baekhyun laughs.

He’s certain he hasn’t laughed like this in a long time; like all his troubles have vanished and he’s the happiest guy on the planet. He throws his head back, eyes prickling with tears, hand coming up to cover his mouth. When his eyes crack open he sees Chanyeol looking at him as if he’s gone crazy. Which makes Baekhyun double up in hysterics again. His laughter rings loud and clear in the partly enclosed room, and not long after, through his haze, he hears Chanyeol’s deep baritone laughter joining his.

 

 

They don’t talk about it; their almost kiss. Baekhyun figures it’s for the best. Their _relationship_ ; for the lack of words, is slowly changing. And it doesn’t take a genius to see that the change is positive. Maybe this is what Baekhyun’s mother meant. Suffer for a little longer, then the result will be rewarding. Baekhyun might not be utterly satisfied with the current result, but he’s more than thankful for it.

He knows he still has a long way to go, but he’s content with the way things are now. He’ll accept _that_ change when it comes. Which is why he doesn’t want to ruin his hard-earned award by being hasty. Baekhyun has been patient for two years and he’s not going to give up now. Not when his dedication to his and Chanyeol’s love has proved to be successful; albeit, somewhat. They might actually have a chance.

Chanyeol, with great care, leads Baekhyun to the couch in the living room and makes him sit down.

“Stay there.” He says before running off to the bathroom, no doubt to look for the first-aid box. Baekhyun grins.

_Is this really happening?!_

He squeals, hiding his blushing face in his hands, before hissing at the pain on his left palm. He examines the injury for the first time since it happened. It’s not that grave, like blisters forming and skin falling but the skin is indeed reddened. He figures it’s just a small burn but it hurts like a bitch because Baekhyun had to have overly delicate skin. He sighs and starts to clench and unclench his fingers, just to see how much pain he could handle but jumps out of his skin when a booming voice bellows.

“STOP IT!” Baekhyun wildly snaps his head up to see Chanyeol approaching him with a first-aid box. He crouches down in front of Baekhyun with a reprimanding look. “You’re gonna make it worse.”

“Chanyeol, come on, it’s not a big deal. It’s just a little burn.”

“Shut up.” Chanyeol opens the box before taking out various tubes of ointments and gauze. “Give me your hand.”

Baekhyun hesitantly unclenches his previously clenched hand only for Chanyeol to ever so gently take it in his hand. The brunet examines his palm closely before tracing his fingers lightly over the reddened spot. Baekhyun revels in the warm touch and marvels at how delicate Chanyeol’s being. It’s something he’d never imagined Chanyeol would be; with him. Baekhyun hisses when the cool ointment touches his skin, Chanyeol slowly rubbing the substance all over his palm. He has such a concentrated expression on his face and Baekhyun could’ve laughed if the situation was anything but this.

“Hey, no, you don’t have to wrap it.” Baekhyun hastily says when Chanyeol reaches for the gauze and bandages. But Chanyeol tuts. 

“Shut up, I know what I’m doing.”

Baekhyun relents and gives in to Chanyeol’s pampering. He feels overwhelmed but it’s a good feeling; having Chanyeol take care of him. He could get used to it, if this is what he’s in for from now on. Baekhyun blushes madly just by the thought of it. 

Carefully wrapping enough of the length of the bandage, Chanyeol clips the end securely. Baekhyun watches as Chanyeol keeps his hold on Baekhyun’s hand even if his task is done. Caressing his hand almost lovingly, Chanyeol looks up at him and Baekhyun’s heart swells again. Chanyeol looks so remorseful, as if he’s begging for forgiveness. 

“I’m-”

“Don’t.” Baekhyun interjects shaking his head. “It’s not your fault, Chanyeol, okay? Stop beating yourself up over it. And I told you, didn’t I? I’d never blame you.”

Chanyeol sighs and hangs his head. Baekhyun’s about to speak up again when Chanyeol slowly nods. He looks up and smiles faintly at Baekhyun, pink dusting on his cheeks and Baekhyun can’t help but mirror his smile. Both their gazes fall on their hands; Chanyeol’s relatively large hand protectively holding Baekhyun’s injured one, now daintily wrapped. 

“Thank you.” Baekhyun whispers, almost inaudibly, but Chanyeol seems to have heard it clearly because he looks up, eyes wide and disbelieving.  
Baekhyun can understand the disbelief, of course, so he continues to smile, hoping it might cease Chanyeol’s worries. It proves fruitful because Chanyeol smiles and nods, that unreadable expression adoring his eyes again, before standing up, the first-aid box in hand. But Baekhyun grabs his hand before he could leave.

“I got it.” Baekhyun takes the box from Chanyeol’s hands and holds his finger up before Chanyeol could protest. “Go check on our dinner. I don’t want all your hard work to go to waste.” 

Chanyeol looks apprehensive for a second before he nods determinedly and sprints to the kitchen. Baekhyun chuckles to himself all the way to the bathroom, blushing mad. Placing the box on the cupboard, Baekhyun turns to leave, but halts in his steps when he catches a glimpse of himself on the large mirror. 

It’s painfully obvious; how much he’s blushing. Was he like this in front of Chanyeol this whole time? Baekhyun mentally face palms. He must’ve looked like a school girl who finally got to meet her crush. Baekhyun groans, hanging his head. _Earth, swallow him up right now._

Looking up, his gaze falls on his lips and he’s immediately flooded by the memories of how they were inches away from Chanyeol’s. How effortless it could’ve been to close that distance. Chanyeol’s hand wrapping around his waist keeping him close as he devoured Baekhyun's lips- _No! No! No! Not yet! Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter._

Baekhyun opens the tap and splashes cold water on his heated face, careful not to wet the bandages. He breathes heavily, gathering his courage and good sense before exiting the bathroom. _He would not blush, he would not act like lovesick hormonal teenager, he would be the most sensible, collected, mature Byun Baekhyun ever in the presence of Park Chanyeol._ He mutters to himself over and over while he walks to the kitchen, only to have his mind turn blank and body freeze when Chanyeol turns around and flashes him that beautiful goofy grin.

“Hey, come on, take a seat.” He gestures to the dining table where a chair is already pulled out. “And don’t touch anything.”

Baekhyun laughs at the teasing smirk and goes to sit down. When he does, he notices that he has a perfect view of Chanyeol working in the kitchen. 

“What, scared I’d burn my other hand too?” Baekhyun sing-songs and Chanyeol chuckles.

“If you think I’d let you near a hot surface after that,” Chanyeol turns around to smirk at him. “You’re dead wrong.”

Baekhyun huffs, amused. _Clearly the hottest surface on this planet must be you, Park Chanyeol._

“So, I’m supposed to, what? Just sit here while you do all the work?” Baekhyun whines.

“Mhm, just sit there like a good boy and you won’t get hurt, ok?”

Baekhyun chokes on his spit. He stares wide-eyed at Chanyeol who smirks, overly content with the reaction he got before going back to mixing something in a bowl. Well, there goes the no blushing.

Indeed, Baekhyun remains seated like the _good boy_ he is and watches Chanyeol until dinner’s done. He tries to keep the dreamy expression off of his face but stops trying altogether after a while and stares heart-eyed. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to mind though, as he waltzes around the place with a small smile on his lips. 

True to his word, Chanyeol doesn’t let Baekhyun do anything, other than reluctantly agreeing to let him set the table which Baekhyun takes over persuasively. Waving off Chanyeol’s concerned remarks about his hand, Baekhyun sets the table for them both, humming to himself. 

Baekhyun’s mouth salivates from the appetizing aroma of the food, as expected of Chanyeol’s cooking, of course. They have what seems to be perfectly cooked steaks; despite them going up in flames not long before, and some delicious looking side dishes; Baekhyun recognizes his stir-fried vegetables as one and a bowl of rice as another. Everything else, he’s completely confused about, but he’s certain they’d taste amazing.

After he’s done, Chanyeol asks him to wait before disappearing to their bedroom. Baekhyun does as he’s told absentmindedly toying with a napkin, standing against the counter. He startles when the lights dim suddenly but relaxes when Chanyeol appears right after. All the questions about the lights die down in Baekhyun’s throat when he sees what the rapper is holding; a bottle of red wine. Now he knows why there’re two wine glasses rather than two _normal_ glasses on the table.

“Where the hell did you get that?” He asks both anxious and excited. He doesn’t need to be reminded that alcohol is prohibited in the dorm. Apparently, Chanyeol has to be.

“Uh, well,” Baekhyun waits with bated breath when Chanyeol looks as if he’s actually going to answer. “You don’t wanna know.”

“What? Chanyeol, you know the rules. We can’t-”

“Can’t you _not_ be the conformist you are for one night?” Chanyeol enunciates by holding up a finger. “You can go to being well-behaved and submissive when Junmyeon comes, ok?”

“Submissive?!” Baekhyun flares up in indignation. “I am not submissive, you hear me? Submissive is the last thing I will ever be-”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re the dominant, alpha dog, whatever floats your boat, happy? Now can we please get on with this? I’m starving.”

Chanyeol doesn’t let Baekhyun any chance to retort, for he’s pushing him down on one of the chairs in an instant before moving around to take the seat opposite of him. Baekhyun can see clearly even if the lights are dimmed, and he can’t ignore the almost date-like, romantic vibe that comes with the faint light. The wine is not helping either.

Chanyeol already has a corkscrew in his hand, trying to pull off the cork. Baekhyun chuckles as Chanyeol lets out a victorious _ah ha_ , when the cork finally comes off. Chanyeol bites his lip in concentration as he carefully pours the wine into the two wine glasses, Baekhyun’s first. The rich scent increases Baekhyun’s hunger; it’s been too long since he had wine, or anything alcohol-related. He raises his hand to grip the glass but pauses when Chanyeol abruptly gasps, as if he’d remembered something important.

“Oh shit,” He says before reaching forward and snatching Baekhyun’s plate with the steak. Baekhyun opens his mouth, about to ask _what the hell is he doing_ when he sees actually _what_ he is doing. “Shoulda done this earlier, sorry.”

With a sheepish smile, Chanyeol’s cutting Baekhyun’s steak into small pieces, small enough that Baekhyun can eat easily without inconveniencing himself with his injured hand. Baekhyun’s heart drums, violently. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” Baekhyun says when Chanyeol returns the plate. The rapper only scoffs with an eye roll. Baekhyun smiles, blushing. “Thank you.”

Chanyeol holds up his wine glass with a smirk. With a mocking smirk of his own, Baekhyun mirrors his action and the glasses clank together before they’re brought to the boys’ lips. Baekhyun shudders excitedly at the taste. 

The dinner continues in silence, save for the clattering of the silverware and Baekhyun’s occasional hums of appreciation over the food. The steak hadn’t been charred, thank goodness. Instead, it had tasted scrumptious, as expected of Chanyeol’s cooking, though a smoky flavor was evident. Baekhyun’s stir-fried vegetables had been equally delicious, again, as expected of Chanyeol; he had dipped them in a chicken broth, and Baekhyun’s addition of soy sauce had done wonders to its taste.

And the _wine_. Baekhyun can’t stop himself from pouring for himself, again and again. Chanyeol doesn’t let him for too long though, for he grabs the bottle from Baekhyun’s hands when he goes to pour himself his third glass and keeps it out of Baekhyun’s reach. He whines but falters when he sees Chanyeol’s firm expression. He grumbles childishly and continues to eat but a smile creeps into his lips involuntarily, and when he looks up, Chanyeol meets his eyes with an equally soft smile. 

Hands down, it had been the best dinner Baekhyun had in his entire life.

 

 

 

They both startle when the doorbell rings. It’s almost eight now, so the arrival of a member is out of the question. Chanyeol turns off the tap and sets down the plate he had been washing before taking off his gloves and marching towards their front door, Baekhyun following suit, setting down the wiping cloth. He stops near the steps ascending to the hallway, when Chanyeol opens the door.

“Chanyeol? What’re you doing here?” Baekhyun lets out the breath he had been holding when he hears their manager’s voice. “Sorry, that came out wrong. What’re you doing here _now_? You’re supposed to be here tomorrow. Wait, isn’t Baekhyun here? And you’re here too. How-how’re you- you two- how-”

“Hyung, slow down.” Baekhyun hears Chanyeol chuckle before the door is closed. “Yes, Baekhyun’s here, safe and sound. I didn’t murder him.”

“Baekhyun!” Before the blond can even response, he’s tackled into a fierce hug. “Boy, am I glad to see you!”

“Hey, Minwoo hyung.” Baekhyun chuckles at Minwoo’s silliness. “Don’t worry, I’m alive.”

“Oh my God, I thought you were-” Minwoo pauses when he sees Baekhyun bandaged hand. Before Baekhyun can explain, he turns to Chanyeol, clearly fuming. “You said safe and sound! _This_ is not safe and sound! What’d you do to him?”

“Hyung, wait, hyung, hyung!” Baekhyun yells trying to draw Minwoo’s attention away from Chanyeol, who looks adorably offended and scared to death. Baekhyun’s yelling works to some point, as Minwoo stops his reprimanding and turns to Baekhyun. “Hyung, Chanyeol had nothing to do with it. I burned my hand when I was cooking.”

“You what?” Minwoo looks at Baekhyun as if he had suddenly grown another head. “You? Cook? Nah, there must be some mistake honey, because _you_ , don’t cook. It’s- it doesn’t happen. ‘Baekhyun’ and ‘cooking’ does _not_ go into the same sentence. Now what really happened?”

“I’m deeply offended but I’ll let that slide.” Baekhyun glares at Chanyeol who’s cackling, clearly enjoying Baekhyun’s humiliation. “But I’m serious hyung. We were cooking and I touched a pan, while it’s on the stove. Crazy right?”

“It’s true, hyung. Although it’s not that crazy considering it’s Baekhyun. ” Chanyeol quips up from the couch, causing Baekhyun to mock glare at him. “And you should try his stir-fried vegetables before you go ranting that he can’t cook.”

Minwoo looks absolutely shell shocked as he glances between Baekhyun and Chanyeol, clearly trying to make sense of what’s going on. The two culprits however continue their chuckling despite their hyung’s distressed state. Though that state doesn’t persist for long, for Minwoo’s eyes narrow and he points an accusing finger at the both of them.

“That’s it, who’re you and what’d you do to Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who absolutely HATE EACH OTHER?!”

“Hyung.” Baekhyun whines, grabbing Minwoo’s hand and leading him to sit on the couch. “Why don’t you stop playing around and tell us why you’re here, hmm?”

“Huh? Oh,” Minwoo looks like he came back to Earth just now. Baekhyun and Chanyeol cackle fondly at their hyung’s childishness. Sometimes, it’s a wonder that he’s the one managing twelve overgrown kids, when clearly he’s one as well. “Baekhyun, I need you to come with me.”

Baekhyun blinks, startled, clearly not expecting that. Chanyeol looks equally stunned.

“Wha- Why? Where?”

“Now?”

“Hyung, details please.” 

“Oh yeah, CEO Lee wants to see you.” Minwoo seems proud of himself for remembering that.

That doesn’t lessen Baekhyun’s worries. Not at all.

“Again, now?” Chanyeol asks, leaning forward on the couch.

“Yep, _now_. Not tomorrow or two months later, _now_. He said he’s free right now and that he needs to talk with Baekhyun as soon as possible, and you know how busy he is, with the girls’ comeback, the new kids and everything, so!” Baekhyun flinches at the last word. Minwoo shoots a finger gun at Baekhyun and grins creepily before continuing. “You’re coming with me.”

“You’re scaring him hyung.” Chanyeol voices Baekhyun’s exact thoughts. 

“When do I not sweetheart?” He bats his eyelashes at Chanyeol and the rapper fake gags. Minwoo shakes his head at him before turning to Baekhyun. He widens his eyes as if he’s surprised by Baekhyun’s presence. “What the hell are you still doing here? I thought I told you to go change. Don’t, tell me I didn’t because I definitely did. To your feet, now! Start walking! No, run!”

Baekhyun lets himself be pushed by Minwoo towards his room, Chanyeol snickering in the background. The pushing stops only when he enters the room and Minwoo closes the door behind him. Baekhyun sighs, anxiously. He can’t imagine why the CEO wants to see him, alone. But he realizes he doesn’t have enough time to dwell upon that as Minwoo had pressed the matter of time, so he changes into something presentable enough to face the CEO before walking hurriedly to the living room. He hears Minwoo before he sees him.

“There he is, my baby.” He crushes Baekhyun in a hug and kisses the top of his head. Baekhyun groans but slumps in defeat, fully aware it’s best to let Minwoo and his antics be. “Oh, I missed you so much.”

“He was gone for literally two minutes hyung.” Chanyeol speaks up and Baekhyun, from his vast knowledge about Chanyeol, knows that the rapper is gritting his teeth. Baekhyun narrows his eyes in confusion.

“How can anyone not miss him? Just look at him, so cute and squishy.” Minwoo squeezes his cheeks, something Baekhyun’s never been a fan of. And Minwoo, that twit, knows it and never misses a chance to do it.

“I thought you were in a hurry hyung.” Chanyeol stands up and sauntering to Baekhyun, rips him away from Minwoo’s smothering pampering. “I think it’s better if you get going.”

The tight, obviously fake smile Chanyeol flashes at Minwoo and the cocky smirk Minwoo directs at Chanyeol don’t go unnoticed by Baekhyun. Though he’s the youngest of the three, Chanyeol easily towers over Minwoo, who himself is quite tall, has to crane his neck up to face the rapper. Needless to say, Baekhyun feels like a dwarf, sandwiched between two pillars of handsomeness; though he’s pretty sure Chanyeol wins that category with flying colors. He looks back and forth at Minwoo and Chanyeol, trying to makes sense of their actions.

“You guys okay?” Baekhyun asks, worried.

“Oh we’re great. More than great. _Nothing_ wrong, right Chanyeollie?” Minwoo sing-songs and Baekhyun feels irritation bubbling up when Minwoo uses _his_ nickname to address Chanyeol. Baekhyun’s petty, sue him, but he doesn’t like sharing; especially when it comes to Chanyeol.

“Yeah, we’re okay.” Chanyeol quietly says before directing his gaze at Baekhyun. His scowl immediately disappears to make way for a small smile. “It’s okay, go. I’ll be up till you get back.”

“No, Chanyeol, we don’t know how long this’ll take. So go to sleep, don’t wait up for me.”

“I’ll try not to, but I can’t promise anything. Now go.”

Chanyeol pushes Baekhyun lightly towards Minwoo, who exaggeratedly bows with a smirk at Chanyeol before leading Baekhyun out the door. Baekhyun’s certain Minwoo’s talking to him but his mind is reveling in far more interesting things at the moment. Like how Chanyeol said that he’ll wait up for Baekhyun.

Baekhyun remembers all those nights when he stayed up until Chanyeol got home. No matter how late; or early, it got, Baekhyun never fell asleep. Not until he knew Chanyeol was home, safe and sound. And now, Chanyeol’s offering to wait up until Baekhyun gets home? Baekhyun can’t be sure if the rapper really meant those words but the fact that he actually said it and the feel are quite nice. He could see himself coming home to a waiting Chanyeol with a hot drink and a warm bed to cuddle in the near future. 

 

 

The ride to the company is silent; or so Baekhyun thinks. As far as he knows, Minwoo could’ve continued on ranting, oblivious to a daydreaming Baekhyun in the backseat. The final jerk of the car, stopping in the parking lot, wakes Baekhyun up however, from his reveries and he avoids Minwoo’s knowing smirk when they walk inside. Sometimes that guy is too smart for his own good.

Baekhyun walks as if he’s in a haze, still anxious over the fact that the CEO asked to see him, alone, without any of the other members. He tries to focus on the positive notions; like a collaboration or a role in a drama. He absolutely doesn’t imagine the CEO somehow getting to know his feelings for his fellow band member and him being kicked out of SM. Baekhyun feels like he’s going to hyperventilate when they’re outside the CEO’s office.

“Don’t worry Baek, it’s nothing bad.” Minwoo assures him, and Baekhyun flashes him a small smile of gratitude. He takes a big breath before the door opens and the CEO’s assistant ushers them inside.

The office is lavish and comfortable, with a natural flair thrown in. It’s verdantly decorated with pots of healthy looking plants and flowers, making Baekhyun feel as if he’s in a flower shop, not in the office of one of the most influential and powerful men in the K-pop industry. Said man who’s sitting on the couch, snaps his black haired head up from his phone when they walk in. 

He looks friendly and approachable, almost a father-figure to his idols, but Baekhyun has witnessed his anger up close; not directed at him thankfully. This man was not one to play with. What he says, goes; there’s no arguing or negotiating. But he’s kind and caring, in his own way. And Baekhyun has never been a fan of that way.

“Well it’s about time. I’ve been waiting for you two forever.” There’s no bite to the words but Baekhyun sweats when they sit down. “What happened to your hand, Baekhyun?”

“Uh, cooking accident. Nothing big, just a small burn.” Baekhyun smiles uneasily and CEO Lee nods.

“Ok, so, shall we get right to it?” The older man pockets his phone and turns to Baekhyun who nods despite his worries.

“Alright. Now, we all know that EXO is at the peak of fame, compared to the other groups out there. Your music’s good, the members are agreeable, and the number of fans are rising, it’s all great. But, it’s time for a change, something new for the fans and the media to scream at. To twist and turn and write stories about. So, we’re gonna give ‘em something. A bone to chew on.”

The CEO looks pleased with himself as he says this but Baekhyun can feel his anxieties rise at every word. He gulps before speaking meekly.

“What kinda thing do you have in mind, sir?”

“Simple, you’re gonna date Kim Taeyeon.”

 

 

Just like that, Baekhyun’s whole world crumbles down. All his hopes, dreams, every single thing regarding Chanyeol and him crumples to dust. Their future he was fantasizing about, now seems like a distant recollection in the past with years of awful and cruel memories blocking his path to it. Baekhyun’s not certain if he could ever find his path to genuine happiness again. 

He tasted a trace of that happiness today, with Chanyeol. He saw how his life could change for the better; both their lives. He had suffered two long years just to witness how happy he could be, how happy he could make Chanyeol, how happy Chanyeol could make him. Today, felt like paradise to Baekhyun. It was as if he saw a glimpse of heaven; and Chanyeol’s the one who showed him that. Just when Baekhyun thought, from now on, every day of his life would be heaven on Earth, darkness envelops him in its evil clutches again.

And now, his life is going to fall into hell once more.

“You can’t always be the goody two-shoes you present to be, people are gonna get tired of that.” The CEO is saying and honestly Baekhyun just wants him to stop talking because it only spurs on his massive headache. “We’re gonna give them something to love and hate at the same time. There’ll be people who’ll love it and also people who’ll despise it. But we only want the gossip, the never-ending chattering about ‘EXO’s Baekhyun dating SNSD’s Taeyeon.’”

Baekhyun clenches his fists on his lap, indifferent to the slight pain that shoots up from his left palm. He feels suffocated, all the fragrances of the flowers he had found soothing, now choking him. Baekhyun gasps for breath but his emotional crisis seems to be oblivious to the fame-driven CEO as he rants on and on about the popularity his genius plan would gain him and his company. Baekhyun’s struggling doesn’t seem to be lost on Minwoo, for he scoots closer and places a reassuring hand on top of Baekhyun’s clenched ones. Even though it doesn’t make him feel better in the slightest, the comforting gesture calms him down; enough to find his sane voice when he addresses CEO Lee.

“Why me?”

That’s the question, isn’t it? Why is it always him? Why does destiny always pick on him when it comes to love? Doesn’t he deserve to be loved? Doesn’t he deserve the chance at being happy with the man he loves?

“Because you’re their favorite, how do I say, _flower boy_ , there you go.” CEO Lee grins and Baekhyun wants nothing more than to punch that disgusting face. “You’re too soft and sensitive to start a relationship, much less, to be in love. They’ll never see it coming. You’re the perfect candidate. So is Taeyeon.”

Baekhyun scoffs sardonically and glares; he doesn’t care if this devil of a man sees it. He just wants to escape this hellhole and go back home to Chanyeol, where he must still be up waiting for Baekhyun to come back. Baekhyun feels tears prickling his eyes at the image but blinks hard against them. He won’t stoop that low in front of this bastard.

“It’ll be over in a few months. Doesn’t have to go on forever. Six months tops. You can fake break up when the heat dies down, and you know the best part? Then the heat rises again, tenfold. This is perfect opportunity for your group to stay at the top. So,” CEO Lee pauses and leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees and his chin on his interlocked fingers, his gaze piercing Baekhyun. “Give me an answer so I can arrange a meeting with Ms. Kim.”

Why’s he asking for an answer when it’s clear Baekhyun has no other choice? No other choice, but to delay his inevitable fate.

“I need to think about it.” Baekhyun mentally pats himself on the back for not stuttering; that would’ve been a huge blow to his ego. “Just give me three months. I’ll answer you then.”

“There’s nothing to think about Baekhyun, it’s the perfect plan.” Baekhyun keeps his unwavering hard gaze on the CEO. He sighs relieved, when the old man relents. “Alright, I’ll give you two months, no more. I need a positive answer by the end of it.”

 _The bastard already has his head set on it._ Baekhyun has no other choice.

“Okay, two months.” Baekhyun nods stiffly, his expression unreadable.

“Good, then we’re done here.” CEO Lee stands up, resulting in the other two following him. 

Baekhyun bows at him before muttering a _good night_ and practically sprinting out the door. He’s vaguely aware that Minwoo’s right beside him, holding his shaking figure, using his body to hide the distressed state of the young idol. He feels bile rising up in his throat and his head feels like it’s going to rip itself apart with the hammering it’s doing. 

Baekhyun doesn’t remember how he got in the car, but he vividly remembers breaking down in hysterics when Minwoo hugs him to his chest. And in his protective hold, oblivious to the world’s eyes, Baekhyun cries his eyes out, screaming one thing over and over again.

_Why me?!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So................ yeah that happened.
> 
> I'm so sorry Baekhyun, for making you suffer so much... and you guys too :((((  
> But it's necessary, it'll get better I promise :)))
> 
> When?  
> Not soon, that's all I can say. So brace yourself for more and more...... and more angst. :(
> 
> See you guys in the next chap ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!!  
> :)

“Time for school! time for school!”

Baekhyun jolts awake from the obnoxiously loud voice right beside his ear. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to know that the annoying voice belongs to one and only Kim Jongdae, who seems hell bent on ruining Baekhyun’s morning; as if it needed any more ruin. 

“Wake up Baek! Come on! Up and at ‘em!” Baekhyun feels his covers being pulled, depriving him of the well-adored warmth he’s been wrapped up in. Aggravated, he lets out a whiny noise in protest and rolls in his bed, so that his back is turned to Jongdae, effectively wrapping the covers around himself. It’s too early to deal with the hyperactive man-child on sugar. But, said man-child must have other ideas. 

Baekhyun feels his bed dip and he realizes Jongdae must’ve climbed on it. Yet he squeezes his eyes shut further and curls into himself, ignoring Jongdae’s presence, hoping he’d leave him alone. But nothing could’ve prepared him for what came next.

“WAKE UP!”

Baekhyun shoots up so fast his head collides with Jongdae’s nose, who had lowered his head to scream right into Baekhyun’s ear. The blond groans and covers his ears, desperately hoping the ringing inside his head would disappear. _Jongdae’s vocals are no joke._

_Wait. Jongdae-_

Baekhyun snaps his eyes open and is immediately welcomed with the image of Jongdae clutching his nose, forehead furrowed with pain. He lets himself wallow in guilt for two seconds before pouncing on the ravenet, hugging him tightly while grinning madly, his post-nap haze forgotten.

“Daedae! You’re back!”

“I’ve been here for an hour now, although you seem to prefer your beauty sleep over noticing your best friend. So anyway, it’s cool.” Baekhyun laughs and breaks the hug.

“The ‘best friend’ status is still up for debate.” Jongdae pouts and Baekhyun gets up smirking. He catches a glimpse of his alarm clock and feels his jaw slacken at the displayed time. He overslept. “Did everyone get back?”

“That’s not what we should be talking about right now.” Jongdae’s voice suddenly takes a serious tone as he gets down from Baekhyun’s bed. The blond frowns warily at Jongdae’s worried expression. “Wanna tell me what happened while we were away?”

“What’re you talking about?” Baekhyun asks as he puts on a new shirt. The one he’d been wearing has stains in it that look remarkably like tear stains.

“Oh, don’t play dumb, Baekhyun. You’re always protecting him.” Jongdae snaps and Baekhyun looks at him, prepared to ask _what’s his problem,_ but as soon as they make eye contact, Jongdae drops his eyes to Baekhyun’s left hand. Baekhyun follows his line of sight and instantly, the entire world around him comes to a standstill.

Baekhyun’s breath stutters as his sleep-muddled brain recalls everything that happened the day before. Everything, every last minute of the unforgettable day spent with his love, Chanyeol; right up to the point where it converted into an unforgettable day for a whole different reason. Baekhyun feels bile rising in his throat just by thinking about it.

But there’s no escape. No matter how hard Baekhyun tries to break away from his fate, he dejectedly had to come to the conclusion that it’s inevitable. He’s going to have to date Kim Taeyeon, whether he despised the idea or not. He’s going to have to be a puppet in a show which he’s certain, is a tragedy. 

Throughout the ride back last night, Baekhyun had mulled over dozens of scenarios where he would go up to CEO Lee and spit at him that he’s not going through with the CEO’s insensitive plan. If there’s one thing Baekhyun absolutely despises, is that people using other innocent people to accomplish their own selfish needs. Although what the CEO said was true; that fame would wash over EXO like a tidal wave as soon as this news breaks, it’s not the kind of fame Baekhyun wants.

He doesn’t want fame spurred on by a measly scandal; it’s not why he debuted as a singer; to have the media pick at and meddle with his life and judge him as if he’s nothing but a desperate young idol looking for recognition in any way. He wants fame and recognition for his works, his songs, things he actually puts his heart and soul into. 

Doesn’t everyone?

Minwoo had apologized over and over again as he held the sobbing petit close to his chest, letting Baekhyun cry his exasperation away. Baekhyun’s certain that their manager knew more than he led on about him and Chanyeol, if the continuous stream of, _‘This won’t change anything. He’ll understand. You can still make it work’,_ was anything to go by. Apparently, the CEO’s scheme had been a revolting shock for Minwoo too, as the old man had never included him in his plan. 

Minwoo hadn’t failed to make Baekhyun smile in gratitude when he said that he would _definitely kick his boss’s ass for doing this to his little Baekkie._ Even if it’s far from being a reality, Baekhyun appreciates the sentiment; it means he’s not the only one who thinks that this whole thing is _bullshit._ And Baekhyun doesn’t need to be reminded that once the CEO sets his mind on something; especially something lucrative as this, he never gives it up. So there’s no hope for Baekhyun. 

Tears had stung in Baekhyun’s eyes once again, when he had been welcomed by Chanyeol, who as promised had waited up until Baekhyun got home. Baekhyun had washed his tear stained face in the employees’ bathroom, so as to avoid a confrontation, to which Baekhyun was certain that he wouldn’t have had enough strength to reply. Chanyeol thankfully hadn’t noticed Baekhyun’s emotional crisis, or his red-rimmed eyes, much to his relief. He had asked what the CEO wanted and seemed to have believed Baekhyun when he said that it was just talks of a collaboration.

It had been the first night Baekhyun had cried himself to sleep not because of Chanyeol. By the sound of Chanyeol’s drowsily deep voice murmuring _Good night Baekhyun,_ tears he hadn’t known were still left began streaming down his already puffed cheeks. With a wet voice he had wished Chanyeol back before turning around and squeezing his face into the pillow, hoping his crying won’t be noticed by the rapper. Baekhyun had cried himself to sleep that night because of a reason he never even imagined would turn up when that day had begun.

“Baek?” Baekhyun snaps out of his pondering when a soft voice speaks up. He looks up to see Jongdae right in front him, utmost concern lacing his face. “Baek, what did he do to you?”

That’s the thing about Jongdae; he teases and jokes around with his good-natured aura, but when it comes to protecting the people he cares about, there’s no one more defending and compassionate than Jongdae.

“He didn’t do anything, Dae,” Baekhyun answers with a reassuring smile, clenching and unclenching the fingers on his bandaged hand, as if to show he’s alright. “In fact, he was the one who bandaged it.”

“He did what?” Jongdae incredulously exclaims making Baekhyun laugh wholeheartedly. He grabs Jongdae’s arm and pulls him out of the room, sprinting along the hallway. 

“Come on! I can’t wait to see the guys!”

Baekhyun hears the commotion in the kitchen before he sets foot in it. It all dies down when he barges in, but restarts tenfold when the boys notice who it is. Except Jongin, Kyungsoo, Zitao and Yifan, they’re all there. 

Baekhyun flinches at the excited screams, grinning wildly while hugging them one by one. He doesn’t know whether the kitchen fell into dead silence at the sight of his bandaged hand or by the fact that Chanyeol turned around from where he had been frying bacon and gave Baekhyun a dazzling smile before wishing him good morning, when he goes to sit down beside Luhan.

Baekhyun still can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday that Chanyeol snapped at him for _his day being ruined by the sight of Baekhyun’s ugly face in the morning._ Baekhyun can’t believe that _that_ Chanyeol is gone. He had his doubts of whether the sudden caring nature Chanyeol displayed for Baekhyun the other day, would continue the same after the members returned; that it only had been a one-time thing. 

But Chanyeol proves him wrong as he puts two extra bacon strips on Baekhyun’s plate and places it on front of him with that same unreadable expression in his eyes and that same beautiful smile. He’s made a late breakfast as it seems.

Baekhyun feels terrible; he doesn’t know what to do. He knows that he has to tell his friends about what CEO Lee wants him to do; especially Chanyeol. But he can’t bring himself to, because he also knows that whatever relationship he has with Chanyeol is slowly and positively moving on from its toxic nature and even the smallest dent in it could make it go back to square one. 

It’s true that they haven’t yet put a label on what they are, though Baekhyun would love to, if it were only up to him. But Baekhyun’s convinced that they’re not enemies anymore; they’re swaying between friends and lovers and call Baekhyun crazy, but he’s certain that no _friend_ looks at their friends like the way Chanyeol now looks at him. Which is why, Baekhyun; quite senselessly, decides to keep CEO Lee’s proposition a secret from everyone and enjoy the two months to the fullest with Chanyeol and whatever surprises his love might bring him. 

He’ll be living a fantasy; a dream from which he might wake up any moment. But he’ll be happy. _They’ll_ be happy.

That’s all that matters.

“What’s going on?” An exaggeratedly hushed whisper breaks the silence, and Baekhyun watches with amusement, the six stunned faces, sitting around the table, eyes disbelieving and jaws on the floor. Chanyeol cackles as he too sits down, right next to Baekhyun.

“What the _fuck_ is going on?! Why are you two acting all chummy-chummy?” 

“I don’t see why we shouldn’t.” Chanyeol retorts as he stuffs his mouth with sausages.

“I do. A million and one reasons at that.” Jongdae deadpans.

“You’re not _supposed_ to be like this.” Sehun whispers in that creepy hushed voice of his. “It’s not natural.”

“Okay, look-”

“What happened to your hand, Baek? Did Chanyeol do that?”

“Why does everyone think that _I_ had something to do with it?

“Guys-”

“Uh, you do have a history of violence against Baekhyun, so, it’s obviously suspicious.”

“And who stocked the fridge? Did you go shopping?”

“That’s ridiculous Xingxing, they can’t even ride in the same van without getting into a fight, how the hell can they go shopping together?”

“Oh, but there was that one time-”

“Xingxing?”

All the chatter dies down at the simultaneous question from Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Joonmyun pales, his mouth falling shut and Yixing looks around as if to figure out why everyone went silent abruptly. _Oh,_ Baekhyun thought this day would never come. 

“Something we should know about, leader?” Chanyeol smirks devilishly and leans forward, Baekhyun mirroring him instantly.

“Looks like the cat’s out of the bag.” Baekhyun drawls in a sing-song voice before gasping in feigned disbelief. “You’re already onto nicknames-”

“-and before you know it you’ll be looking for baby names.” 

“Oh, good one.” Baekhyun praises, grinning. Chanyeol mock-bows and they do a high-five before returning their gazes to Joonmyun and Yixing, smirking mischievously. 

“It’s-it’s not what you guys think, okay?” The panicked expression on their leader’s face gives the whole thing away no matter what lies he tries to spew. Everyone excluding the two defendants, is on the edge of their seats in anticipation. “It’s nothing! Don’t we call each other names all the time?”

“Not you. Everyone else does, but not you.” Sehun helpfully provides, making Joonmyun scowl at the smirking maknae.

“Maybe I picked it up, okay? There’s no law against-”

“Oh for Gods’ sake, will you just tell them?! They’re gonna find out sooner or later, better to get it over with.” Yixing’s outburst draws everyone’s attention and if they saw Joonmyun waving his hands at Yixing like crazy, they choose to ignore it. Yixing, with a proud smile takes hold of one of Joonmyun’s hands and interlocks their fingers tightly for everyone to see. “Yes, Joonie and I are dating.”

All hell breaks loose.

At least that must’ve been the reaction Joonmyun had obviously been expecting, by the way he curled into himself as soon as his boyfriend revealed that he is in fact his boyfriend. 

“Took you long enough, you old farts.” Baekhyun snorts at the new couple’s shocked faces as everyone else resumes their breakfast as if nothing happened.

“Wha- you- what? Why are you-”

“You know, it was _so_ painful, watching you two go all googly-eyes at each other and embarrass yourselves trying to hold a simple conversation. God.” Minseok sighs exasperatedly, shaking his head.

“Oh! Remember that time when Joonmyun dyed his hair blond and Yixing couldn’t keep his eyes off of him? He was literally drooling.” Boisterous laughter erupts at the memory Luhan evokes.

“You guys,” Yixing speaks up, awestruck, his hand still holding a blushing Joonmyun. “Noticed all of that?”

“Of course we did. It was kinda impossible not to.” Baekhyun smiles sweetly at them. “I swear, you were in love with each other without you two even realizing it.”

“So, who made the first move?” Chanyeol asks, setting down his fork. And Joonmyun instantly surges forward, panic marring his face.

“Yixing, I swear to fucking God, if you even think about-”

“Oh, Joonie did.” Yixing seems indifferent to his boyfriend’s threats, for he continues, said boyfriend hiding his face and slumping in his chair, a desperate attempt to make himself invisible. “Although, he had a hard time getting out the right words, stuttering and everything, so, I helped him out.”

“Helped him out _how?_ ” The members lean forward on their seats, eyes wide in anticipation for details. Yixing smirks before answering.

“I kissed him.”

The new couple recoils back, startled by the uproar which takes place in the kitchen in an instant. There’s a mix of perverted _oohh’s_ and cringing _eww’s_ around the table and Baekhyun finds himself smiling wide and genuinely happy. He glances at Chanyeol to catch a glimpse of a dreamy expression on his face while looking at the couple, who is now being assaulted by four different interviews at once. But in the blink of an eye it disappears.

“Oh my fucking God!” Baekhyun directs his gaze at a horrified Jongdae and a disgusted Minseok. “Was that what those noises were?! I thought there were rats in the attic, I even told my uncle to send an exterminator! And all the while you two were fucking?!”

Some interview it had to have been.

“We weren’t fucking!” Joonmyun shrieks, hitting a very satisfied looking Yixing on the shoulder while blushing madly. Baekhyun covers his mouth, stopping a string of laughter from bursting out. 

“We weren’t fucking.” Joonmyun pouts as soon as his boyfriend calmly grabs his frantic hands in a death grip and kisses his cheek. “We were making love.”

“What’s the fucking difference?!” 

“It’s a whole lot different actually.” All eight members snap their heads to the person who had just spoken. Before anyone can react, he continues, yet to move from his position in the entryway to the kitchen. “Fucking is when there’re no romantic feelings involved between the partners, normally fueled on by raging hormones and, or infatuation. There’s no love in fucking you see, just lust. But making love, now that’s the real deal. You only make love with the person you really love, not with a stranger on a one-night stand. It could be slow and passionate or rough and hard depending on the partners’ tastes, but the important thing is, love. Now,” Jongin stalks forward and places his hands on the table, leaning on it. “Who were making love?”

“Joonie and Xingxing!” The members, excluding the couple of course, chorus loudly.

“About time.” A new voice attracts everyone’s attention to the entryway as Kyungsoo comes into view. Baekhyun lets out an excited squeal and runs to his best friend, welcoming him back with a tight embrace. Kyungsoo returns the bone crushing hug with just as much as enthusiasm before casually asking, “Who topped?”

“SOO!” Joonmyun yells, flushing red in embarrassment while the boys break into series of wholehearted laughs.

“I did, obviously.” Yixing raises his hand, quite innocently, contrary to the nature of the action he claimed he did. The crowd howls in approval. “And quite the interesting speech you gave there, Jongin.”

“The waiting’s over, it seems.” Yifan’s deep voice booms in the living room before he and Zitao come into view, hand in hand and the members break into a chorus of _Welcome back’s_ upon their arrival.

“Thank the heavens. With the sexual tension you had, I was scared you two would just snap and fuck against a wall or something.” Zitao sighs deeply in exaggeration and hugs Baekhyun and Kyungsoo at once, Kyungsoo groaning in protest.

All their teasing causes Joonmyun to blush ten times more than he already was, and he hides his face in Yixing’s chest, whining something incoherently. Yixing, bless his soul, doesn’t seem to be fazed with any of the teasing, as he hugs his boyfriend impossibly closer, whispering in his ear. The members coo at the cute gesture. 

“Look, all things aside, we’re happy for you guys. We all are.” The members sober up at Minseok’s statement and nod along, with reassuring smiles.

“Yeah, and we’ll support you till the end, no matter what.” Chanyeol adds and Joonmyun and Yixing beam as one in gratitude. 

“Don’t think you’re safe from the teasing though.” Baekhyun puts his arms over their shoulders from the back and whispers mischievously, Sehun and Chanyeol cackling in agreement.

“Won’t be natural if we were.” Joonmyun rolls his eyes with a fond smile.

Baekhyun grins before returning to his chair beside Chanyeol, who smiles softly, never taking his gaze away from the petit blond. Baekhyun blushes and directs his attention to the new couple, who’s now being congratulated and teased over and over by the excited members. The newcomers have served themselves the late breakfast Chanyeol had made, and by the way they’re downing it, Baekhyun figures they haven’t had proper breakfast that morning.

Looking around the table, Baekhyun revels in the happy and excited expressions his friends are wearing; completely unaware of the chaos Baekhyun’s life is about to be in. Baekhyun feels like he doesn’t belong among them anymore, with the secret he’s keeping from them. He feels the weight of it, weighing his soul down, and he’s certain it’ll grow heavier as time goes on. 

However much they deserve to know it, Baekhyun can’t bring himself to be the person who destroys their joy. Baekhyun knows they love him, dearly, so it’s inevitable they’d start to worry and protest to CEO Lee in his stead. But Baekhyun doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want their pity or sympathy. It has to be him, from whom they’ll get to know of the situation; Baekhyun pleaded as much to Minwoo the night before, who agreed with him without hesitation. Baekhyun will tell them when the time is right. Not now.

“Guys, we’re going off course here!” Jongdae yells above the ruckus, gathering everyone’s attention. He points an accusing finger at Baekhyun and Chanyeol before whispering menacingly. “You two convicts are yet to be acquitted.”

“Drop with the theatrics, will ya?” Baekhyun rolls his eyes waving his bandaged hand dismissively.

“Baek, what happened to your hand?” Kyungsoo questions darkly, fire in his eyes. “Did Chanyeol-”

“For the last fucking time, I didn’t have anything to do with that! Baekhyun, tell them.” Baekhyun chuckles at Chanyeol’s whiney request.

“He’s right you guys. I burned myself while cooking last night, but it’s not that serious. We held it under the tap and Chanyeol put some ointment on it so, I think it’ll heal quickly.” Baekhyun nods his head reassuringly at the ten faces stunned in shock.

“I don’t know if I should congratulate them or call an exorcist.” Sehun eerily whispers.

“Sehun, stop that, it’s hella creepy-” Baekhyun’s exasperated whine gets interrupted by an unnaturally calm Chanyeol.

“I’m gonna say this only once, so listen carefully, alright? We, are okay now.” Chanyeol says gesturing to himself and Baekhyun and Baekhyun’s heart swells. “We’re not gonna fight anymore, it’s all in the past.”

A minute of tense silence passes.

“That’s it?” Zitao asks, the members mirroring the incredulity in his face.

“Yep, that’s it.” Chanyeol combs a hand through his hair before standing up. “I’m not gonna bring up the past again, and neither will Baekhyun, I’m sure. We get along now, that’s all that matters, so don’t bother him with your _interviews._ ”

Chanyeol walks out of the kitchen with a content smirk, not before squeezing Baekhyun’s shoulder gently. Sehun, Jongin and Yifan scamper after him, and Baekhyun hears Chanyeol grumbling in protest over their constant stream of questions. Baekhyun’s not given the chance to dwell upon it for long, as two pairs of arms yank him harshly towards the bedrooms. He doesn’t register what’s happening until he’s sat on Kyungsoo’s bed, Kyungsoo himself and Minseok are staring down at him, arms crossed and brows furrowed.

“Talk.”

So he does.

Baekhyun tells them everything, starting from what happened between him and Chanyeol a week ago to his and CEO Lee’s meeting the night before. He doesn’t leave a single detail out because he knows he can trust them. He could always trust them. Baekhyun hesitates a bit before recounting what happened in the CEO’s meeting, but when he starts, the flow of words doesn’t stop. As he pours his heart out, he feels the weight on his shoulders lessening, but not entirely so. 

At the end of it, Baekhyun’s drowning in tears, gasping violently, while Kyungsoo and Minseok hug him from his sides muttering words of comfort. Baekhyun faintly realizes that they’re crying too.

“Hey, it’ll be alright guys.” Baekhyun sniffs, holding his friends’ hands tightly and smiling sadly. “It’s only for a few months. Everything will go back to normal when it’s over.”

“Well, it won’t _now. God._ ” Kyungsoo breaks the hug to look at Baekhyun. “You’re finally going somewhere with Chanyeol, and this happens.”

“You don’t have to do this, Baek. You should’ve said no. You _could’ve_ said no, why didn’t you?” 

“I-I couldn’t.” Baekhyun mutters, dropping his gaze to his lap. “No matter what I said, he wasn’t gonna change his mind. You know him, he’s not the one to let something like this go.”

“Oh, Baek.” Minseok holds him tighter, while Baekhyun fights against the unshed tears. “You have to tell Chanyeol. I’m sure he’ll understand, he’ll wait for you.”

“I know, I know. I just- I need more time.”

“Baek, it’s not a good idea to put this off. He has to know and he must hear it from you.” Kyungsoo rubs Baekhyun’s back comfortingly. “Sooner the better.”

“Please, can’t-” Baekhyun looks up, glancing at his friends back and forth, desperately. “Can’t I enjoy this- what we have, a little longer? I don’t want it to end yet. I don’t know what will happen if I tell him, so please, let me have this.”

“Baek, I agree with Soo, it’s not a good-”

“ _Please,_ I just wanna be happy.” 

Baekhyun’s voice breaks, so does the dam behind his eyes, as the flow of tears begin to flow, continuously, without resistance. Minseok and Kyungsoo try to comfort him, he hazily grasps, but it isn’t long before they too join Baekhyun, releasing their sympathy for their unfortunate friend, which they know, Baekhyun despises. But, it’s the only thing they could do in their power to let him know that they support him, in whatever choice he makes.

 

 

 

Over the course of three weeks, members of EXO go through an array of events. 

Their schedules had been packed after their little vacation, so much so that they hadn’t even had enough time for a decent sleep. They had been called for two variety shows, four photoshoots, and three fansigns and stage performances as a whole group. Their individual schedules were another story. Most of them had their solo shootings on different reality shows making it harder for them all to get together. When they did get together, it was for practicing their dance moves and songs, so it didn’t count.

While the other members had grumbled and whined in protest on their workload, Baekhyun had accepted it gladly. Even if it had meant spending less and less time together with Chanyeol; though that distressed him to no end, being busy kept him sane; as crazy as it sounds. It meant he didn’t have time to wallow in self-pity which was probably a good thing for he tended to over think things and fall ill because of it. He had relished the moments he got to even glance a glimpse at Chanyeol, who always made sure to return Baekhyun’s shy smiles with faint smiles of his own.

Baekhyun had asked Minwoo to arrange a meeting with CEO Lee once again, which wasn’t easy, considering how busy the man was. As soon as he did however, Baekhyun had gone straight to him, and against his bitter ego, had begged him not to let his members know of their arrangement, promising that he’ll inform them on his own terms. The CEO had been confused but he had agreed. Baekhyun had again promised that he would definitely do what’s expected of him after the decided two months, much to the CEO’s delight.

As time went on; and it did so in the blink of an eye, Baekhyun grew more fidgety and reserved, as he knew his time was running out. The knowledge that he and Chanyeol were yet to resolve their puzzling relationship spurred on his agony more. Baekhyun’s abruptly developed unsociable skills hadn’t gone unnoticed by the members of course, but every time they tried to get him to talk, especially Kyungsoo and Minseok, he would adeptly evade the confrontations, making use of his remarkable acting, unaware that the members could see right through him.

Baekhyun had tried hard to act as normally as possible in Chanyeol’s presence but Baekhyun learns that the rapper had somehow noticed Baekhyun’s constant agitated state as he is now being cornered by the rapper in the _bathroom;_ for the lack of places. 

Their schedule had been free that day after three and a half weeks, so Baekhyun had slept in. He had just finished his morning routine and had been scared to death when he had caught sight of Chanyeol through the mirror, just behind him, snapping him right out of his sleepy daze.

“Mornin’ sleeping beauty.” Chanyeol smirks, tilting his head when Baekhyun turns around. 

Baekhyun’s mind goes into overdrive when he registers how close they are; one step forward and their chests would be touching. Chanyeol looks insanely hot and sexy with his new hairstyle, dyed a deep brown, almost black, the beautifully curled strands falling over his forehead and nearly covering his eyes. The white shirt isn’t helping either, as Baekhyun can clearly see (to his credit, he _really_ tries hard not to) the pert nipples and his defined abs through the thin cloth. Licking his dry lips, Baekhyun heaves a shaky breath.

“It’s-it’s not morning.” 

“But you _are_ a sleeping beauty, right?” Chanyeol chuckles softly and Baekhyun reddens at the memory.

“Could you um,” Baekhyun tightly grabs the sink behind him with both hands to ground himself and clears his throat to speak louder. It’s been some time since the bandages came off, his palm all healed now. Chanyeol had taken it upon himself to remove the bandages, giving the members yet another reason to be bewildered about. “Could you move, please?”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to be in here when you pee.”

“I didn’t come here to pee, I came here for you.” Chanyeol rushes out and Baekhyun looks up at him, puzzled. Chanyeol places him under a hard stare. “Wanna tell me why you were acting different these past few weeks?”

“I-I didn’t, I-”

“Don’t lie. I know when you lie.” Baekhyun ignores the butterflies erupting in his stomach and closes his eyes. 

“It’s nothing important, Chanyeol-”

“It’s important to _me._ ” Chanyeol snaps, causing Baekhyun to open his eyes, only to freeze when he realizes that Chanyeol had closed the step of distance between them, and now is impossibly closer, only a hairsbreadth of distance between them. It changes however, when Chanyeol takes a step back and leans down to Baekhyun’s height, placing his hands on the sink behind him, effectively trapping him. Baekhyun turns crimson and literally holds his breath. “Tell me.”

“I-I’m- I- _oh fuck._ ” Baekhyun mutters, biting his lower lip in frustration and closing his eyes so that Chanyeol’s piercing stare on his eyes is broken. This damned proximity is burning his insides. It’s better to end this without suffering anymore. “The company wants me to collab with a Japanese singer so they’re sending me to Japan and I’m nervous as fuck because this is my first collab and it’s my first time going abroad alone!”

Baekhyun curls into himself as soon as he finishes his rant. It’s not a lie that he said, the company actually had arranged a collaboration between Baekhyun and some Japanese singer, after the latter had asked for Baekhyun particularly, as apparently his voice had fascinated the Japanese idol. And it’s also true, that he’s nervous to go alone, since he hasn’t gone on his own ever before. He just chose to leave out some _minor_ details. 

“Look at me.” Chanyeol’s deep voice, right in front of his face, compels Baekhyun to open his eyes. Chanyeol’s stare seems to bore into Baekhyun’s very soul, as he doesn’t even blink. Baekhyun doesn’t either, afraid that Chanyeol might see through his not-a-lie lie, as he literally holds his breath, not even in the mind to blush. After what feels like an eternity, Chanyeol blinks. “Alright, I believe you.”

Baekhyun, confounded, blinks away the tears that had gathered. Staring competitions are not his thing. Chanyeol straightens and lightly pushing Baekhyun out of the way, he starts messing with his hair, inspecting it in the mirror.

“You do?” Baekhyun chastises himself for not being able to hide his disbelief.

“Mhm, it was a part of the truth. Not the whole truth, but I’ll take it.” Chanyeol absentmindedly mutters.

“Of course it was the whole truth.” Baekhyun exclaims, offended and Chanyeol snickers.

“Now, _that,_ was a lie.” Chanyeol smirks at Baekhyun while making his way to the door, leaving Baekhyun, his mouth gaped in awe. But he pauses at the door. 

“Congrats, by the way. I’m sure you’ll do great, and don’t be scared you big baby, you’re not alone.”

Baekhyun blushes, profusely. He stays in the bathroom long after Chanyeol’s left, holding his unnaturally warm cheeks in his hands, wondering what other lies of his did Chanyeol see through as what they really were. Not that there were many; that night after the CEO’s meeting being the most crucial. 

_Did he see through that lie too? Then why didn’t he say anything?_

 

 

Taking advantage of the free day they got after a busy few weeks, the members enjoy it to fullest. Which means lounging around the living room the whole day. The TV’s on, so is the stereo, wrappers of junk food scattered around, a half-empty bowl of popcorn on the stool, the popcorn constantly being flown around as Baekhyun, Jongdae, Sehun and Chanyeol snatch handfuls whenever they pass it while they play tag. 

Baekhyun, of course, wasn’t going to join, preferring to play Candy Crush on his phone and try to beat his previous scores instead, but Chanyeol had insisted. He seems to be trying to uplift Baekhyun’s spirits, which is working quite well. After all, why wouldn’t it be? Chanyeol manages to bring out Baekhyun’s usual playful demeanor and now the dorm is booming with the shrill laughter of both Chanyeol and Baekhyun.

They had had an early dinner, planning to stay awake as long as possible, goofing around. Everyone seems to be in their happiest selves, having been gotten together as a whole group, after so long. Joonmyun and Yixing are yet to be seen separately, as they’ve been glued to each other, the whole day. They’re on their honeymoon phase, so they’ve been forgiven. The others are watching a cartoon; well, they try to, not an easy feat with all the yelling. They grumble and whine in protest, every time someone runs in front of the TV, covering the screen.

As soon as their game of tag ends; Sehun catching Baekhyun, Jongdae voices out a suggestion, causing the living room to drown in a string of garbled up objections.

“Let’s play our game!”

Jongdae, Sehun and Zitao had come up with a game, for when the members were bored and had nothing to do. Baekhyun isn’t exactly sure if they’d gotten it off of the internet, but it was a pretty awesome game. It was a twisted version of ‘Truth or Dare’; both required the player to spin a bottle, but this had dares only. They had a box full of various embarrassing dares written on folded pieces of paper and the player who spun the bottle must pick a dare and act it out with the person who the bottle lands on. 

It was only awesome if you weren’t one of the two unfortunate souls.

“We’re _not_ playing ‘our game’ ever again.” Yifan huffs, crossing his arms on his chest.

“Why not?” His boyfriend whines.

“Because last time, I had to watch you make out with Jongin.” Baekhyun shivers at the memory. Not something he wants to see again. And he had to deal with a sulky Kyungsoo for a whole week. “How could you do that? With a guy who isn’t me?”

“We’ve been over this, babe. It’s only a game, and we’re all friends here.” Zitao smirks, holding Yifan’s chin. “You know you’re the only guy for me.”

“Okay, sappy romance.” Sehun drawls, scrunching his face, disgusted. “Ew.”

“Like you and Luhan are any better.” Jongdae retorts, grinning. “So, any other objections?”

A few of the members let out low moans of annoyance but said nothing. From the way they wordlessly stood up from where they were and sat down on the fluffy carpet forming a circle, they didn’t have any objections at all. However much they claimed to hate the game, all of them enjoyed watching the others in memorable moments of embarrassment. Jongdae, letting out an excited squeal, drags Sehun to the direction of the bedrooms. 

They return not a minute later, with an empty bottle of beer and a worn-out box. Seeing their mischievous grins, Baekhyun feels shivers of dread running up his spine. Beside him Chanyeol rubs his palms together in anticipation.

“Minseok hyung.” Jongdae holds the bottle out for Minseok to take, after he deems everyone ready. But Minseok shakes his head.

“I always start first.” He complains, pouting.

“It’s because you’re the eldest, hyung.” Jongin tilts his head, apologetically.

“Well then, since I’m the eldest, I can order you brats around, so,” Minseok smirks as he glances over the members. “Let’s start with the maknae, shall we?”

“Not a problem. I always wanted to start first. Give it.” Sehun brags as Jongdae hands him the bottle. Without further ado, he spins it.

Baekhyun hates this part; the waiting, until the bottle stops, never knowing if the wretched thing might land on him. No one even breathes, as if they’re afraid the smallest movement might alter the course of the bottle. Everyone sighs relieved however, when the bottle stops; everyone except Minseok.

“Oh come on!” He crosses his arms dejected, while the others laugh.

“Sorry, hyung. Can’t escape this time.” Jongdae grins, holding the box for Sehun to pick a dare. 

When he does, he pauses and lets out several deep breaths for dramatic effect before unfolding the small piece of paper. As soon as he does, he groans, face crumpled up in disgust. Luhan, who was beside him, eagerly takes the paper from him.

“Kiss his armpit.” The living room drowns in a loud chorus of _eww’s_ when the maknae bravely stands up, and marches over to Minseok, who recoils back instantly.

Baekhyun almost forgot that when it comes to dares, Sehun and Jongdae never hesitate to complete them. No matter how disgusting or embarrassing they are, the duo would always endure them till the end. Sehun proves it once again, as he sits down in front of Minseok; who looks like he’d be anywhere but here, and taking hold of one of hands, holds it higher. The members watch with bated breath and disgusted expressions, as Sehun, without even a hint of hesitation, dives in and kisses Minseok’s armpit.

It’s over in a second, but Minseok curls into himself, no doubt it tickled him, and Sehun proudly returns to his seat, through streams of hoots and exaggerated shrieks. He high-fives Jongdae and leans in for a congratulatory kiss from Luhan, but pouts when his boyfriend recoils away from him immediately. The members snicker.

“Ugh, that was gross.” Minseok shivers exaggeratedly and places the bottle in the middle. “My turn.”

This time it lands on Joonmyun, but he sighs relieved when the dare is revealed to be to _‘sing a duet’_. The members helpfully offer to pick the song however, and after wasting fifteen minutes searching for an appropriate song, they pick ‘Growl’, their own song. Joonmyun and Minseok are given the lines; not their own, and even if only the two of them are supposed to sing, all the other members join in too, hyped up from the music. It’s their song after all.

Joonmyun lands on Kyungsoo, and is dared to brush his teeth, which he hesitantly completes, keeping a watchful eye for Kyungsoo’s expressions. Kyungsoo though, laughs along with the guys, even though they take photos of him, with foam covering his face. 

Yifan gets the next chance to embarrass himself, as Kyungsoo is dared to put makeup on him, which receives loud cries of approval, the loudest coming from Zitao. Kyungsoo, with a practiced ease completes his dare, and the end product sends the boys into fits of uncontrollable laughter, as he looks like a mix of Joker and Maleficent.

Yifan then lands on Chanyeol, though his dare isn’t that much embarrassing; he’s dared to give Chanyeol a massage. Chanyeol eagerly awaits for the _mind-numbing_ experience; as Yifan refers to it, but it doesn’t even last five minutes as Chanyeol starts to scream, dashing away from Yifan’s hands, his face scrunched in pain. It had undoubtedly been a mind-numbing experience; Baekhyun chuckles.

Until now, Baekhyun had been in ease. He couldn’t believe his luck, as the bottle had always landed on him on the first few times. He had thought the Gods had spared him this time, laughing along with his friends and making playful jokes and teasing remarks here and there. He even dared to think that the night would go on without the bottle ever landing on him. Baekhyun’s smug thoughts come crashing down however, when he sees the spinning bottle slowing down and finally stop, pointed at him. 

And Chanyeol’s the one who spun it.

A tense silence ensues. Baekhyun glares at the innocent bottle, unsure whether to thank it or scream at it. This has never happened before, obviously, because Chanyeol and Baekhyun never played the game together. Chanyeol let Baekhyun play in most occasions, so that he was able to witness his enemy’s moments of utmost embarrassment and make fun of him later. _Today_ is a complete different story.

Baekhyun slowly turns his head to look at Chanyeol, who licks his lips and clears his throat awkwardly before stuffing his trembling hand into the dare box. Baekhyun feels his heart race as he sees the piece of paper held between the rapper’s fingers, and he’s certain that he’s blushing right now. No one dares to speak, holding their breath, eyes fixed on Chanyeol who’s unfolding the paper. Baekhyun curses his stupid self for deciding to join this damned game when he sees Chanyeol’s ears turn red.

“What is it? What is it?” Everyone asks at once, leaning forward, but Chanyeol stays frozen, staring at the piece of paper and Baekhyun suddenly dreads what’s written on it. It can’t be good.

Sehun yanks the paper away and the members huddle closer to him to find out what the dare is. Simultaneously, their eyes widen and mouths hang open, and Baekhyun would’ve laughed at the comical appearance if not for the four words muttered by Jongin, soundlessly.

_“Give him a hickey.”_

Baekhyun freezes. This is not good, this is worse; much, much worse. He’s about to voice out that he won’t go through with the dare and that he would accept the penalty, when from his peripheral view he sees Chanyeol turning to face him. As if compelled to, he too turns his head only to catch sight of an adorably blushing Chanyeol who seems to be thinking this whole thing over in his head, wringing his fingers repeatedly. Just when Baekhyun thinks that Chanyeol would give up and ask for the penalty, the brunet leans in and the world around them fades away.

Baekhyun’s breath hitches when he feels Chanyeol’s large hand on his thigh, grounding him there, as if scared he might run away. His other hand finds its way to the side of Baekhyun’s neck, its touch featherlike. Baekhyun’s certain that Chanyeol can feel how warm his skin is, with how much he’s blushing. He gasps softly when he sees Chanyeol’s face right in front of him, his eyes searching Baekhyun’s and through his haze, Baekhyun surprisingly understands why.

He’s asking for permission.

And Baekhyun doesn’t have the nerve or the heart to say no.

He sees the apprehensive mien on Chanyeol’s face disappear when Baekhyun gives a subtle nod. His lips twitch into a faint smile and with the granted consent, Chanyeol leans in, until their lips are almost touching. Goosebumps rise on his skin, and Baekhyun just now notices how hard his heart is beating; he faintly wonders if this is the same for Chanyeol but all thoughts come to a standstill when he feels the weight of soft lips on the corner of his mouth.

Baekhyun’s eyes flutter shut involuntarily and his body goes pliant under Chanyeol’s. The gentle touch of Chanyeol’s lips on his skin sends his mind into overdrive, as he feels butterflies erupting in swarms inside his tummy. Chanyeol starts peppering slow and gentle kisses along his jawline, taking his sweet time to linger where every little spot on Baekhyun’s skin his lips touch. Baekhyun’s breath come out short and ragged already, overwhelmed by the new feelings his whole body is swirling in. He feels Chanyeol’s lips ever-so-slowly making their way to his neck and settle on a spot just below his jawline, and he jolts in surprise when he feels the slick sensation of a wet tongue on his heated skin.

 _More, more._ He realizes he’s whispering. His body feels as if it’s drowned in a fiery pit of lava; suffocating under the prison that is his clothes, and his heart pounds so violently, he’s scared it would break out of his ribcage. Baekhyun’s certain he’s not thinking straight, his mind reeling in pleasure, when his hands travel up, one holding Chanyeol’s shoulder in a death grip, and the other settling on Chanyeol’s neck. 

As if triggered by Baekhyun’s actions, Chanyeol emits a low growl and his hand which was resting on Baekhyun's thigh, shoots to his waist and yanks him closer, causing Baekhyun to let out an audible gasp. The gasps don’t stop there however, as he feels Chanyeol bite into his neck, not hard enough to break the skin, but enough to feel the stinging sensation. The gasps turn into soft moans when Chanyeol licks over the bite almost apologetically, white hot pleasure shooting down his body and pooling in his lower stomach, fueling the throbbing ache between his legs which he hadn’t even noticed till now.

Baekhyun feels the familiar sensation of his pants feeling stuffy and the desperate need to touch himself. He’s certain that if Chanyeol keeps up his ministrations, he won’t last long, which will be beyond humiliating, so ever-so-gently, Baekhyun pushes the rapper back, who instantly detaches his lips from Baekhyun's neck, no doubt sensing Baekhyun’s change in posture, and Baekhyun finds himself yearning for the feel of Chanyeol’s soft lips on is skin again. 

Baekhyun slowly comes down to Earth, as Chanyeol detaches himself from him entirely, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Baekhyun breathes heavily, trying to slow down his racing heart, and he slowly moves his hands towards his crotch and places them inconspicuously over the bulge so as to not raise suspicion. He still feels the wetness on his neck, now cooling under the air. Baekhyun suppresses the urge to touch where Chanyeol’s lips were not a minute ago and glances at his side at Chanyeol, only to flinch in shock at the sight.

Chanyeol’s staring at him with the same revulsion and hatred in his eyes that Baekhyun had blissfully thought would never reach the rapper’s eyes again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALMOST 8,000 WORDS!!!  
> That's a first :)))
> 
> So, Chanbaek did..... that.  
> It felt so awkward writing that part, I'm not sure I did a good job at describing what was happening with Baek through the whole thing...... it's my first so..... :( 
> 
> Oh, the game they're playing here, I have no idea if something like that exists or not. One of my friends told me abt it, that it would be cool with the thrill and all, so I thought, y not? ;)
> 
> Also,  
> R.I.P. Kim Jonghyun, an angel on Earth, who undoubtedly is now an angel in Heaven,  
> the news shocked me, I still can't believe that he's gone. I'm not a full fledged Shawol but, SHINee always managed to make me smile and feel better, their music just had that vibe u kno? And Jonghyun, he was such a sweet person, kinda hard to believe that he went through all that pain but he still managed to smile. I just hope that he's happy, wherever he is now. He's not suffering any more.
> 
> On a happy note,  
> MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR (which will arrive in...... two days)  
> :))))


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys believe I wrote this listening to MID on repeat and cried at the end? :(
> 
> Grab some tissues bcz shit's abt to get real sad T_T
> 
> I feel guilty for crushing ur hopes from the beginning but oh wth...

_The door slams open so hard, its impact on the wall sends a deafening bang throughout the dorm. Baekhyun doesn’t even pause to close it, he marches along the hallway, setting foot on the living room. Although it’s the middle of the night, no one seems to be sleeping yet and everyone stands up alarmed._

_And they should be. Baekhyun’s not supposed to return to Korea for another week. Yet here he is, clothes haphazardly thrown on, hair disheveled, face overflowing with uncontrollable tears and body heaving so violently as if he’s hyperventilating._

_“Baek?! Fuck, what happened?!” Jongdae’s the first one to reach him. He holds Baekhyun’s shivering form in a tight grip but Baekhyun just shoves him off._

_“Chanyeol!” He yells, eyes never leaving the love of his life who seems panicked as the rest of them. Baekhyun feels the crushing weight on his heart, begging him not to ask the question. The fragile thing won’t be able to handle the answer which he already knows. “Is it true?”_

 

 

 

_Two weeks ago._

Baekhyun is happy.

Well, he’s not happy for the lights being too bright for his sensitive eyes, or the chilly gust of wind slapping his face, but overall, he’s happy. 

At least that’s what he assures himself.

He squints, blinking hard to get rid of the annoying imprints of the lights impressed behind his eyelids and shifts in his high stool. The last notes of the song Joonmyun, Luhan and Kyungsoo sang fades into a silence and gives way to deafening cheers of their excited fans. Baekhyun revels in it, surprisingly feeling distracted from his jittery nerves. He sees hundreds of shiny cutouts, flashing and glittering under the setting sun. They bring a smile to his lips. Eyes soft, he beams in adoration and childlike pride. 

Two groups are done, and Baekhyun’s group is next. He pushes his now light pink hair back, letting out a shaky breath.

A shiver runs down his spine; one of many that will come during the next few months. Normally he would welcome the cold with a content smile, relishing the chilliness, buried under a mountain of blankets in his bed after downing a hot cup of coffee, or he would just crawl into Kyungsoo’s bed and curl into his warmth. Baekhyun loves it that his best friend is like a damn _furnace,_ radiating warmth and, _damn, Jongin’s a lucky guy._

_Only if he gets his head out of his ass and confesses to Kyungsoo._

But now, he scowls inwardly at the goosebumps prickling at his skin; seriously, who decided an outdoor fan meeting would be great, with fucking _winter right around the corner?!_ Baekhyun feels a pang of guilt for all the fans who came to their little improvised fansign despite the chilly weather to see their idols. 

All the members had contributed to an amazing idea Minseok had voiced. He hadn’t _actually_ said it, but had merely hinted at the idea to get Yifan and Sehun to drop their competitive ordeal over deciding who was the fastest at rapping; _we’re in the same group, we’re not supposed to fight over who’s best. Now, if there were sub-units, well…_ The eldest had trailed off noticing the strange expressions marring the members’ faces. 

The CEO had liked the idea of doing something different and had granted them his approval if only they were able to not mess up their intended schedules. One thing had led to another and roughly two weeks later, the members are divided into four sub-units of three, prepared to present different performances, not to compete among themselves, but for their beloved fans. They were to perform in few of their upcoming fan meetings, and it was merely for fun and a distraction from their tiring schedules, but Baekhyun had often found himself wondering about taking this sub-unit thing forward.

Baekhyun had both enjoyed and hated working with only Minseok and Jongdae, not that he had anything against working with the whole group, but the blessed quietness in the practice room was heavenly, compared to the state it is normally when all of the members are present. 

What Baekhyun absolutely hated was that he became the third wheel every time they got together; which is crazy because Jongdae and Minseok weren’t even dating; Baekhyun would know, because Jongdae is like the most open person on the planet, and his love life is no different. If he was in a relationship, the whole world would know. 

But they had this playful aura between them and they flirted shamelessly all the time; teasingly of course, and they got along really well, and Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel left out. It’s not like they ignored Baekhyun, but it wasn’t the same. Even if they weren’t dating, Jongdae and Minseok looked like a sappy married couple who’s still on their honeymoon phase and seeing them like that every day, Baekhyun found himself yearning for something he took for granted.

A beautiful combination of notes starts to play and Baekhyun has just enough time to glance at the love of his life at the piano before raising the microphone to his lips.

_Some say love it is a river_  
_That drowns the tender reed_  
_Some say love it is a razor_  
_That leaves your soul to bleed_

Baekhyun winces as the first few words come out shaky, his accent pronounced and raw. But it’s better than what he sang in the practice room, under Jongdae’s judgmental eyes, and his melodic voice hides whatever fault; not that there is any with how much they practiced, as it rings clear across the small park, where their temporary stage is built.

Two weeks in the practice room, repeating the lines over and over again until they’re practically deeply ingrained in their brains, as they did to all of their songs, almost to the point that they could sing the song backwards in their sleep. And Baekhyun never once thought to pause and actually read the words, not for the purpose of memorizing them, but to understand them. But he does now.

And how true they are.

_Some say love it is a hunger_  
_An endless aching need_

Baekhyun sways absentmindedly to Jongdae’s singing, and so does all their fans, the soothing melody playing on the piano washing over them. They; Baekhyun, Jongdae and Minseok hadn’t actually thought about a piano accompaniment when they had chosen this specific song for their little project, originally set on the idea of letting the music track play on the background. 

But when Chanyeol had heard them practice one night with the track, he had all but forcefully inserted himself into their group, insisting that their particular voices would sound perfect for the song with the piano as accompaniment. Even though accepting help from another member wasn’t in the rules, Chanyeol had made it his sole mission to _bend that rule a little._ And in no time, the trio had found themselves in the rapper’s presence whenever they practiced.

Which wasn’t a good thing for Baekhyun.

_I say love it is a flower_  
_And you its only seed_

No. Not for Baekhyun. For him, love only brought heartache and pain. Emotionally and physically, love drained him. There was nothing delicate about love.

How naïve was Baekhyun? 

How naïve was he to believe that everything was fine? To believe that he had managed to turn a new page in his once miserable life? To believe that the man he loved with all his heart had found it in himself to bury his hatred for Baekhyun and actually love him back? To believe that he had finally found his happy ending?

Baekhyun was very naïve.

And gullible, of course; unless how could he fall for something that in reality didn’t exist at all?

_Or did it?_

Baekhyun’s not so sure anymore, not since that night; when everything changed. 

_It’s the heart afraid of breaking_  
_That never learns to dance_  
_It’s the dream afraid of waking_  
_That never takes the chance_  
_It’s the one who won’t be taken_  
_Who cannot seem to give_

All three of their voices mingle magnificently, carrying over the park in a heavenly chorus harmonizing beautifully with the piano, and Baekhyun finds himself staring the piano player, whose long skilled fingers glide across the ivory and ebony keys with a natural ease, eyes shut, a peaceful look decorating his face and body swaying to the music.

Baekhyun had done so much. Sacrificed so much. His happiness, his sanity, sense, his heart. He lost his heart to someone who could never return it. Maybe Baekhyun knew. Maybe he knew deep inside that Chanyeol will never accept his heart no matter how many times Baekhyun would surrender his love to him. Maybe it’s a good thing he didn’t take the leap. Maybe Baekhyun was afraid for a reason.

Chanyeol hadn’t been the same since that night, one could say, he picked up where he left off. But he wasn’t the old Chanyeol; the one who didn’t let a day go by without picking a fight with Baekhyun. _This_ Chanyeol was a frightening merge between that old Chanyeol and the one who appeared abruptly and with whom Baekhyun fell in love all over again.

He still took care of Baekhyun, just like he had done in the past three weeks, he made sure that Baekhyun ate properly, bought Baekhyun his favorite energy drink every time they finished an item in their schedule, helped him with his practicing, wished him good night, but something was missing.

Chanyeol didn’t have that _look_ in his eyes anymore. They were blank.

_And the soul afraid of dying_  
_That never learns to live_

There _were_ instances where Baekhyun caught sight of Chanyeol staring at him with that same look Baekhyun had come to adore, paired with a small fond smile, but every time the rapper realized he has been caught, he hid behind his neutral expression, shielding himself from Baekhyun. 

Chanyeol had regarded the beautiful purple hickey Baekhyun bared for two days with something akin to pride and self-satisfaction, as if he reveled on the fact that Baekhyun possessed _his_ mark that _he_ created on Baekhyun’s skin, the mark which implied that Baekhyun was his. But that look would instantly change; Baekhyun felt goosebumps rising on his skin in shock the first time it happened, to a look that literally _screamed_ that Chanyeol was seconds away from scratching the skin off with the mark, as if the mere sight of it made his body itch in disgust.

__

Baekhyun, for the life of him, can’t figure out what went wrong. It was obviously the hickey, because Chanyeol was normal before that happened.

But _what_ about the hickey that made Chanyeol the jerk he is now?

That’s what Baekhyun had been trying to figure out for the last ten days. He wouldn’t dare to ask for his friends’ help, because they’re still convinced that Chanyeol and Baekhyun are on good terms. Chanyeol, the sneaky bastard, probably thought it would look bad on him if he returned to hating Baekhyun right after he said that they’re okay, so he never stopped his _caring_ for Baekhyun, and the members didn’t know Chanyeol like Baekhyun did to notice how empty his eyes were. 

But here he is thinking, if he knew Chanyeol at all.

_When the night has been too lonely_  
_And the road has been too long_  
_And you think that love is only_  
_For the lucky and the strong_

Maybe, Baekhyun wasn’t meant to fall in love. Maybe he wasn’t lucky or strong enough to be in love. He was tired. So fucking tired, he just wanted it to stop.

And Baekhyun just… did what he always did. He let all the happiness and bliss he felt for that little time be consumed with the all too familiar heartache.

Also Baekhyun wishes no one would think of him as a coward for not confronting Chanyeol like he should. But perhaps the cowardice could be shielding him from more heartache because he doesn’t know what a confrontation with Chanyeol would bring. 

He often thought that Chanyeol had been playing a sick joke on him, playing with his feelings and making him vulnerable, waiting for the perfect moment to strike and ridicule him. But all those thoughts faded away when _that look_ would come to his mind. Chanyeol could’ve been acting all this time, but he couldn’t have faked those sparkling eyes, radiating so much love and affection that made Baekhyun’s heart swell and his knees buckle. 

_Just remember in the winter_  
_Far beneath the bitter snows_

He was lost. He was; still is, for the lack of words, traumatized by the whole experience. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he was _so_ close to fulfilling his dreams; he could almost taste the victory of a two year long battle, only to have it ripped away from his grasp.

There aren’t any more butterflies, fluttering heartbeats or burning blushes. Except there’s an overwhelming ache in his heart and a constant prickling behind his eyes. Every time Chanyeol did something for him, a piece of Baekhyun’s heart would break because he knew that Chanyeol was forcing himself to do it. 

But Baekhyun still can’t comprehend why Chanyeol never stopped. The rapper never left his side, was always there right around the corner, but Baekhyun’s certain, Chanyeol hated it; the proximity. Baekhyun could literally see the apprehension in Chanyeol’s features whenever they were close. 

He would seize every goddamn opportunity there was to be close to Baekhyun; he had thought the sub-unit thing would keep Chanyeol away but, it seems that Baekhyun was really unlucky or Chanyeol really likes to torture himself. Because that was what Chanyeol was doing; Baekhyun can’t come up with a reasonable explanation than that one, unfortunately.

And Baekhyun would prefer to be a thousand miles away from Chanyeol just to make him feel at ease; just to make him happy. Baekhyun had relieved Chanyeol of more difficulties and troubles than he could count, unbeknownst to him of course, but now, he’s at a loss; there’s nothing he can do. 

And he hates himself and all the deities for it.

Baekhyun waits until Minseok delivers his lines, the smooth richness of his voice and the lyrics reminding Baekhyun what words he’s about to sing next. He feels his throat close up when he finally understands the words. And he can’t stop his gaze from none too subtly settling upon Chanyeol who had lowered the previous intense and heavy playing to a series of soft and mellow chords, when he gulps down a sob and holds the microphone to his lips to sing the final words of the song.

_Lies the seed that with the sun’s love_  
_In the spring becomes the rose_

 

 

 

“There’s a WHAT?!”

Even though he’s in his bedroom, Baekhyun still flinches at the shrill scream, undoubtedly coming from the living room. And that was undoubtedly Joonmyun’s voice. Curiosity getting the best of him, because Joonmyun _never_ screams like that, Baekhyun hurries over to the direction of the loud chatter that had begun right after their leader’s scream.

Setting foot in the living room, Baekhyun’s eyes widen at the commotion. All the members are there, yelling so loud, Baekhyun can’t even make out what each of them is saying. 

“Guys! What’s going on?!” Baekhyun yells over the uproar, successfully silencing the members and making all their heads turn to him. Before he can bask in the glory that is his voice sounding superior to all his fellow members, Sehun aims his hand towards Baekhyun.

“It must be his!” His statement spurs on vulture-like gazes to land on him. Baekhyun narrows his eyes suspiciously. He purposefully avoids his gaze from falling on Chanyeol.

“Is what mine?”

“See?! He’s not even denying it!” Zitao hollers and the members nod in agreement.

“Wha- Denying what? What the hell is going on here?” Baekhyun’s starting to get a bit (lot) panicky because it’s not every day he finds himself being ganged up on by everyone else on their group.

“There’s a condom on the couch. Is it yours?” Yixing, the ever-so-relaxed, says indifferently, and Baekhyun’s jaw hangs open.

“There’s a WHAT?!”

“That’s exactly what I said.” Joonmyun shakes his head.

Ignoring him, Baekhyun steps forward, weaving through the members until the couch comes into his view. And true to Yixing’s word, there it is plain as day, a _fucking condom,_ on their couch. And it doesn’t take a genius to see that it’s used. _Ew._ Baekhyun grimaces.

“So,” Yifan drawls languidly. “Is it yours?”

“No!” Baekhyun snaps his head around so fast he’s surprised it didn’t crack. “No, it’s not mine. Why would you even think that?”

“Because it’s not any of ours!” Minseok yells, exasperated.

“Well, it’s not mine either. And why would it be? I mean, I’m single.” Baekhyun shrugs casually and the others gape stupidly as if they’ve just thought about that now.

“He’s right. Why didn’t I think about that before?” Jongdae slaps his forehead dramatically. He seems to be thinking deeply, analyzing the condom with a piercing gaze at a reasonable distance. “Yep, it’s a large size. There’s no way it’s yours Baekhyun, your dick is too small.”

 _Was that really necessary?_

“Right back at ya.” Baekhyun smirks jutting his hip out, making the members let out series of teasing _ooh’s_ at Jongdae who flares up instantly.

“Ex- _fucking_ -cuse me, you and your limp noodle can’t even think about comparing with my dick-”

“Puh-lease, you got less meat in your dick than there is in a vegetarian restaurant.” Chanyeol snickers with a smug grin, and Jongdae turns to him with feigned shock.

“Oh my God Chanyeol, you have such a big package I’m so jealous. Oh I’m sorry I thought we were having a lying competition.” 

“Guys, can you not talk about your dicks in the living room?” Baekhyun breaks his glaring contest with Jongdae to glance at Joonmyun who looks absolutely disgusted. Jongdae cackles. “We’ve got enough of a crisis in our hands and fighting over your dick sizes isn’t gonna help at all.”

“While we’re on that subject, I think it’s safe to say that the biggest dick out of all of us belongs to me.” Luhan nods, smirking smugly at his boyfriend’s crude statement, but they recoil back from the disagreeing shouts of the offended members. 

Joonmyun throws his hands in the air in frustration, muttering something like _I’m done with all your shit,_ and Yixing caresses his back sympathetically.

“You idiot. You just basically admitted that condom is yours.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“Ugh, you horny rabbits, why did you do it on our fucking couch for fucks’ sake?! Your beds not good enough for you?!” Yifan shrieks, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Sehun and Luhan wave their hands in front of them frantically with wide eyes.

“No, no, no, it wasn’t us!” The members don’t seem to buy it as they place the two under their heavy scrutinizing gazes. “Seriously guys, it’s not us. I mean it just can’t be.”

“Why the hell not?” Jongdae sneers, head tilted, his eyes suspiciously narrowed.

Sehun looks apprehensive as he nervously gazes at his boyfriend as if asking for his permission. He’s probably thinking he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Luhan hangs his head, a dark blush decorating his face. 

“Well?” Baekhyun probes, impatiently tapping his foot. Sehun sighs dejected.

“The reason why that condom isn’t mine is,” Sehun drawls unhurriedly, feigning nonchalance while keeping his eyes on the ground. As he talks, Luhan slowly moves behind his boyfriend, in a poor attempt to hide himself. “Because we don’t use condoms.”

If this were a movie, Baekhyun’s dead certain this is when the cricket chirping noises would play. 

Baekhyun’s gasps belatedly and so does the others’, as they continue to stare at Sehun and Luhan like they’ve just materialized out of thin air, eyes wide and jaws slack. Right as Baekhyun start to analyze the new information he just heard in his mind, Joonmyun laughs. 

Everyone snaps their heads at Joonmyun who looks like he’s on the brink of insanity, clutching his stomach and howling in laughter as if he just heard the funniest joke on Earth. The members, at a loss, glance at each other, worried if their leader had finally lost it. It suddenly stops however, as Joonmyun straightens up in a flash, all humor gone from his features as he positively death glares at the guilty couple.

“Say what?”

Baekhyun notices Sehun gulp, his fear obvious in his face. Luhan is no different either, as he grips his boyfriend’s shirt from the back and curls into him. Baekhyun almost feels sorry for the couple but this is a serious issue.

“We-we don’t-” Sehun shakily mumbles. “We don’t use condoms.”

“Mhm,” Joonmyun hums sweetly and starts to nod as if he understood it perfectly, his arms crossed over his chest. His continual nodding starts to creep Baekhyun out a bit. “Xingxing, babe, could you please be a dear and hold me back?”

“Calm down babe, just breathe, it’s alright.” Yixing whispers in a soothing voice but wraps his hands around Joonmyun’s waist from behind.

“Hyung, before you do or say anything, just please, hear us out.” Luhan suddenly speaks up, emerging from behind his human shield. He still looks apprehensive though as he holds out his hands in a defending motion. “We’re clean, okay? There was no way either of us could get STD’s.”

“Pray tell us why not. We’re all ears.” Minseok smiles sweetly but anyone who knows him can see through that fake smile. One thing the eldest hates, is lack of responsibility.

“Because we’re each other’s firsts.”

_Oh_

The entire living room drowns in an immediate silence, taking in the weight of their maknae’s words. _Huh, well that changes everything._ Everyone seems to be contemplating whether to reprimand the couple further or just drop it. After a long silence, Joonmyun sighs.

“Are you telling the truth?” He inquires, still donning his hard glare, to which the two lambs nod with sincere smiles. Joonmyun sighs again and smiles, caressing Yixing’s hands around his waist, wrapped in a sweet yet effective way to hold him back, as requested earlier. “In that case, there’s nothing we could say against you, I guess.”

“You two are downright crazy, you know that?” Chanyeol marvels, shaking his head. 

It’s funny what a complete change in perspective the members present to Sehun and Luhan after hearing that just one sentence. A sentence portraying every bit of affection and dedication to their love and to each other.

“But you still need to get tested. Not because we doubt you.” Yifan adds quickly after noticing the expressions of panic on the couple’s faces. “Just to ease your old man’s heart, yeah?”

“You sound like their dad.” Zitao nags, pouting. “I don’t how I should feel about that.”

“Well, it certainly makes him much, much older than you are.” Jongdae snickers smugly to which Zitao pokes his tongue out in retaliation.

“So,” Luhan drawls meekly with a shy and hesitant smile. “You guys aren’t mad?”

“Well, I uh, I suppose there isn’t a reason to.” Joonmyun half shrugs, as much as he can still in Yixing’s unrelenting hold; he doesn’t seem to mind though. But Joonmyun’s eyebrows furrow all of a sudden, as if he just remembered something. “Wait a minute, if you guys weren’t using condoms, then what did you do to the condoms I’ve been buying for you?”

Baekhyun cocks his head, wondering if he heard that right.

“What the hell hyung, _you_ bought them condoms?” Chanyeol questions, mirth bubbling in his eyes.

“It’s called being a cool and responsible hyung.” Joonmyun says matter-of-factly, not even glancing at Jongdae when he not-so-subtly whispers _it’s not cool, it’s weird._ “Sehun?”

“I, may have given them to Yifan hyung?”

“Oh, so that’s what those were.” Yifan and Zitao nod their heads in understanding. “Thanks Joonmyun.”

“You’re welcome, I guess?” Joonmyun sighs deeply; he’s gonna run out of breath at this point, and leans backwards, slumping his weight on Yixing. “At least they didn’t go to waste. That’s a plus.”

“Oh no, they _definitely_ didn’t go to waste.” Zitao smirks, wiggling his eyebrows at his boyfriend who clears his throat rather arrogantly wearing a smug grin.

“Okay, TMI.” Minseok chuckles uneasily. “Uh, we’re going off subject here.”

“Not really, no. We should be talking about condoms and we still are.” Jongdae rubs his nose slyly.

“Ugh genius, we should be talking about the _condom on the couch._ ” Baekhyun groans rolling his eyes.

His statement acts as a wakeup call, as all the members turn their heads as one towards the offending item resting not-so-innocently on their revered couch.

“Okay, who’s is it?” Chanyeol grumbles, looking around at the members. Baekhyun ignores the fact that the rapper’s stare lingered on him longer than the others. 

“Someone had sex on the couch and it must be one of the couples, Sehun and Luhan are out of the question so, that leaves you four, which is ridiculous.” Minseok assesses. “It could’ve been one of the bachelors jacking off, but I highly doubt any of us would choose the _fucking living room_ to do that. So, _what the fuck?_ ”

Everyone shakes their heads indicating it’s not theirs. Which is impossible because they’re the only ones in the dorm. That must be what’s going through everyone’s minds right now because they all look flabbergasted, as they glance around at each other nervously.

“You guys thinking what I’m thinking?” Jongdae whispers-shouts, panic marring his face.

“Jongdae, for the last time, stop bringing up the hobo every time something weird happens!” Yifan shouts, exasperated, to which Jongdae huffs.

“If it’s not us _or_ the hobo then who is it?” Sehun rakes his hair with his fingers in worry. But he freezes suddenly, eyes wide in fear. “What if it was a crazy fan or something? What if-”

“I think we should call Minwoo hyung.” Yixing suggests in a panicked voice and Joonmyun nods, taking out his phone, but pauses when a voice that had been silent until now speaks up.

“Don’t you think we’re overreacting, guys? Did it ever occur to you that someone could be lying?” Kyungsoo calmly questions from where he is leaning on the wall. Jongin fidgets close to him and Baekhyun recalls that he was silent the entire time too. “There’s no way a fan could get in here, security’s too tough. So it must be one of us.”

“But _who?!_ ”

“Well,” Kyungsoo shrugs and stalks forward leisurely. “Whoever it is, he’s probably embarrassed to come out, and who knows? Maybe he made a mistake. So, why don’t we just let him be and, get on with our lives, hmm? We don’t have to embarrass him further, right? I’m sure he’s regretting this already.”

Joonmyun looks hesitant, as he fiddles with his phone looking around the members. Probably trying to figure out who the culprit is. It won’t be fruitful though, because Joonmyun sucks at reading people, unlike Baekhyun. He must’ve accepted defeat because he nods his head, sighing deeply.

“Alright fine. I agree we don’t have to drag this out. So, whoever did this, you don’t have to reveal yourself but I do hope you’re reflecting on what you did.” Joonmyun uses his _leader voice,_ holding up his pointer finger in a reprimanding manner, his eyes travelling over their faces. “I don’t know if this was a mistake or not, but make sure to never do it again, alright? And this goes to all of you too.”

No one answers of course, they only shrug nonchalantly and disperse, chattering under their breaths; all except Joonmyun, Yixing and Kyungsoo. Baekhyun watches from the entryway to the corridor where the bedrooms are situated, as Kyungsoo most casually picks up the condom using a pair of tongs and drops it in trash can. Seeing Joonmyun’s hand frantically gesturing to the pair of tongs, Kyungsoo scoffs and disposes of it too.

 

 

When Kyungsoo enters his bedroom, Baekhyun’s already there waiting for him.

It had struck him as odd how Kyungsoo tried to get them to drop the whole problem. Kyungsoo is one of the most responsible and mature members in their group, so it’s not a surprise that it came off as weird and suspicious, how he talked everyone out of informing their manager and dropping it completely; an act that screams ‘irresponsibility’. It almost felt like he was protecting the culprit.

Baekhyun doesn’t know about the others but he definitely felt there was something Kyungsoo was not telling them. Which is why he decided to wait for him in his and Jongin’s shared bedroom, intent on finding out what his best friend was holding back.

“Hey Baek, what’re you doing here?” Kyungsoo doesn’t seem fazed to see Baekhyun sprawled out on his bed upside down like a starfish. _A natural phenomenon._

“What’re you hiding?” Baekhyun has learned beating around the bush is not an effective way to approach questions when it comes to Kyungsoo.

“I see you still haven’t dropped that habit. Answering a question with a question.”

“I’m here because I want to know what you’re hiding. Or rather,” Baekhyun shifts so that his vision is not upside down and sits cross legged on the bed. “Who.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kyungsoo shrugs innocently as he moves to lay down on Jongin’s bed. 

Baekhyun pouts because he’s not used to being distant like this with his best friend. Any other time, Kyungsoo would throw himself on his bed, and in turn on Baekhyun. Therefore, the pinkette darts towards the other bed and plops down on Kyungsoo, effectively squishing him from his weight. Kyungsoo winces and throws Baekhyun off of him none-too-subtly.

“You’re mean Soo.” Baekhyun giggles as he settles down beside his best friend, both of them staring at the ceiling. “And you know exactly what I’m talking about. You also know who that condom belonged to.”

“Yeah? How do you figure that?” Kyungsoo shifts to lay in a more comfortable position and Baekhyun doesn’t miss the winces. _Is Baekhyun that heavy?_

“It’s not that hard. It’s not like you to save someone who was irresponsible, and that’s exactly what you did.” Baekhyun turns and props his hand up, resting his head on it staring at Kyungsoo. “Who was it?”

“I don’t know.” Kyungsoo deadpans closing his eyes, but Baekhyun doesn’t relent. He pokes Kyungsoo’s tummy insistently, until the younger boy groans and opens his eyes, irritated. He swats Baekhyun’s hand away and glares at him. “Jesus Baekhyun stop, I don’t know, okay?! And even if I did I won’t tell you. Would you just stop sticking your nose into other people’s business?”

Baekhyun freezes. There was only a handful of times Kyungsoo snapped at him, but it was always because of rational reasons; like Baekhyun being too loud or Baekhyun messing up singing. But this? This is like the most irrational thing to get worked up over.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” It isn’t Baekhyun’s fault that he winds himself up too much lately. With everything going on with Chanyeol, Baekhyun might not be the most collected person there is.

“It means exactly what it means.” Kyungsoo stands up and glares and Baekhyun flinches at the anger directed at him. Kyungsoo doesn’t even try to hide his hands that are literally shaking. “You meddle with things that doesn’t concern you. You expect everyone to tell you their problems so you can dump your whiny shit on them. You don’t care about any of my problems, you never did. The only thing you care about is getting with your Chanyeol. And, Chanyeol, you think _that’s_ a problem? Grow a pair and confess to him, there’s your solution. You’re lucky because you have one. There’re no solutions to every fucking problem, some of them, I just have to live with. And it’s painful enough without you butting in and-and rubbing salt in the wounds. So just do me favor and leave me the fuck alone.”

As soon as he finishes talking, Kyungsoo turns around, giving his back to Baekhyun and crosses his arms over his chest. 

Baekhyun, still frozen in shock from what his best friend said, heaves a shuddering breath, gulping down the ball of teary emotions that had gathered in his throat. Biting his lip, to keep it from wobbling, he stands up on shaky legs. He can hear how heavy Kyungsoo is breathing, trying to calm himself down, but Baekhyun looks to the side.

“If that’s what you really thought about me this whole time,” Baekhyun utters in a steely voice. “You should’ve told me sooner. Could’ve saved us both the trouble.”

Baekhyun doesn’t linger in Kyungsoo’s room anymore, as he marches out the door not even sparing a glance at his best friend; Baekhyun’s not sure if he is anymore. He slams the door shut not to spite Kyungsoo but to release some of the pent up bitter emotions, and he doesn’t stop running until he’s in his room, the door locked behind him. 

He turns around, about to slide down the closed door and curl into a ball and cry a river but his flinches back in shock, noticing another presence in the room. Chanyeol watches him from his bed, headphones on and laptop on his bed, eyebrows furrowed in what appears to be concern but Baekhyun knows better. He clears his throat and moves to sit on his bed, nodding at Chanyeol as an acknowledgment.

“What’s wrong?” Chanyeol inquires in a poor attempt to sound worried. 

“Nothing. Just uh,” Baekhyun smiles and shakes his head. He contemplates lying but the wound Kyungsoo’s harsh words had caused is painful and gushing, he needs someone to talk to. Normally he would rant to Kyungsoo whenever he gets into a fight with a member but Kyungsoo’s out of the question now. But he just can’t get himself to confide in Chanyeol. “Just had a little fight with Soo. It’s fine, it’s not a big deal.”

“Okay, if you say so.” Chanyeol flashes a small smile and returns his attention to his laptop.

His reaction leaves Baekhyun wishing for that old Chanyeol back again. The Chanyeol who could see through Baekhyun’s every lie. The Chanyeol who pestered him persistently into opening up and rant his frustrations away, after a verbal row with Luhan. The Chanyeol who made him honey tea and cracked bad jokes until Baekhyun finally gave up his brooding and laughed so hard he almost choked on his tea.

Baekhyun’s long till accepted it that Chanyeol would never return to how he was during those heavenly three weeks. He’s given up on his optimism, he can’t remember a time when it actually did help him; with love anyway. 

Baekhyun snaps into reality when a shrill sound of a ringtone fills the room. It’s a familiar tone, one that Baekhyun had heard on Chanyeol’s phone almost every day lately. 

Chanyeol has a habit of customizing different ringtones to different people on his phone, so that he could recognize the caller without looking at the caller ID. Baekhyun; lord help him, has memorized every single ringtone with their respective caller, but this tone, it’s a completely new one. One that had been driving Baekhyun crazy because of the absolute change in Chanyeol’s expression when he hears it.

Just like every other time, Chanyeol’s face lights up, the previously void eyes swirling with excitement and Baekhyun feels a pang of jealousy. Chanyeol answers the call and sprints towards the door not even excusing himself in his haste. That’s another thing that drives Baekhyun crazy; the secrecy. Whenever this particular person calls, Chanyeol would get as far away from Baekhyun as possible before talking. 

“Hey you.” Baekhyun’s vaguely able to catch Chanyeol coo in a sickeningly sweet voice as he shuts the door after him and disappears from Baekhyun’s sight, and he flares up. This is the first time he had heard Chanyeol speaking in such a manner; Baekhyun hates the person on the other end already.

_Wait, what if-_

No, no, it can’t be. It can’t be _that._

Baekhyun breaks into a cold sweat, a looming headache thundering in his ears. He shakes his head frantically, reassuring himself over and over again it can’t be. There’s no way.

_It can’t be._

 

 

 

Eight days later, Baekhyun finds himself wandering aimlessly on the streets in Osaka.

Honestly he had been downright nervous about this; the travelling alone. Sure, there were some of the staff and a new manager appointed for him but he knew it wouldn’t be the same without the members. They had been together for almost three years, never separated, and all of a sudden when he finds himself alone in a foreign country, it’s obvious he would be nervous.

But, not even a day into the trip, he had found himself rather enjoying the change of view and the new and different faces he had to work with for two weeks. It’s a good thing he was fairly fluent in Japanese, he hadn’t run into any problem regarding language. Can’t be said the same for the recording and the person he was recording with.

Ryuu, the singer who had specifically asked for Baekhyun, had taken an immediate liking to him the moment they’d met. He was a tall, not as tall as Chanyeol though, tanned man with black wavy hair and a smile always decorating his innocent face; it didn’t take too long for Baekhyun to realize that the smile was always genuine. 

Baekhyun had felt as if interacting with a fan boy from the way Ryuu addressed him, almost reverently, with admiration and fondness, although he was much older than Baekhyun; and it didn’t take too long for Baekhyun to realize that Ryuu’s fondness towards him was of a completely different intent than friendship.

Ryuu had a puppy crush on him.

He would subtly ask Baekhyun on little dates, would buy him any Japanese food Baekhyun even mentions he likes, would trail after him consistently, it was becoming a nuisance for Baekhyun. Ryuu preferred to spend time with Baekhyun, sightseeing and eating street food than actually doing what they were supposed to do; recording the song. 

It wouldn’t have taken them more than three days to finish it, because Baekhyun had already memorized the lyrics; an emotional dialogue about a forbidden love beautifully written in lyrics. Like, _for real?_ Ryuu was making things too difficult.

To make things worse, Baekhyun’s phone had stopped working the second day in Osaka so, he didn’t have any source to feed his boredom to; he had even left his laptop back in Korea. He didn’t have any way to contact his friends back home other than to ask for a phone from his manager, but maybe it was the heartache, maybe it was the petty anger, whatever it was, he wasn’t very keen on calling any of them. 

The love of his life and his best friend really did a number on his heart.

Which is why he purposefully distanced himself from any distractions, namely Ryuu and his manager, finally reveling in the solitude, privacy and peace for once, with only a map of the city and his favorite camera accompanying him.

He still had another full week if they were _actually_ were to record the song, though Baekhyun was a little skeptical about that. With the amount of stalker-ish vibes he had been getting from Ryuu, Baekhyun is beginning to think if this whole collaboration idea was a way for Ryuu to meet with his crush. Not that he had anything against the Japanese singer; he was a great friend, but everything has limits.

The new day is going great for Baekhyun. He had informed his manager the day before that he needed a day off for himself, which the guy was happy to provide. Now, Baekhyun finds himself walking aimlessly along rough streets, snapping photos here and there and buying street food whenever he sees them.

He interacts with many street vendors who he finds are very friendly and kind. They talk amicably with Baekhyun, handing him samples of their food for him try out which he overenthusiastically accepts. They remind him of his childhood, when he would run around his hometown, in search of his favorite street vendors, who had a soft spot for the bubbly, hyperactive Byun kid. 

Baekhyun loved those old ladies back home who would always make him the best, most delicious food in return for the little stories he told about his day in school. These streets remind Baekhyun of home. They bring up memories of a sweet childhood he had never had the time to reminisce properly. Ryuu’s advances aside, coming to Japan, Baekhyun figures, is a blessing in disguise.

Because he finally has time for _himself,_ and to drown in much, much deserved yet put off simplicity, without any heavy thoughts about Chanyeol or Kyungsoo weighing down his mind. 

Baekhyun realizes this is an effective way of therapy; more or less.

 

 

The day flies by and Baekhyun’s quite contented with the exceptional experience by the time the sun’s starting to set. He enjoyed every moment of the day and he’s pleased with the photos that turned out beautifully, and he’s glad it healed his heart somewhat. He almost doesn’t want this day to end when he gets out from the taxi outside his hotel.

But, there’s always tomorrow, right?

After a hot shower and a delicious dinner of Japanese delicacy Baekhyun had absolutely loved, he finds himself in a fluffy white robe, comfortably lying down on the bed, flipping through the channels bored to death. And pretty pissed off because seriously, there isn’t a single channel interesting enough to catch Baekhyun’s attention. 

Every good thing has a flaw apparently, and in this case, it’s lousy TV. Baekhyun sighs forlornly.

_If only he had his phone-_

Baekhyun startles by the doorbell. Tying the belt of the robe around his waist tighter, Baekhyun saunters towards the door and looks through the peephole. He lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding upon seeing it’s only his manager. Without further ado, he opens the door.

“Hey Jungmin hyung, come on in.” Baekhyun steps aside to let the man in but Jungmin shakes his head.

“No need Baekhyun, I just came to give you this. The store fixed it.” Jungmin hands him a small bag and Baekhyun almost screams out in joy when he sees his phone in it.

After his phone had broken down Ryuu had personally taken it to an electronics store he knew well to get it fixed. Baekhyun had been grateful but had gotten more and more peeved as days without success had passed. And it’s finally here now.

“Oh baby, missed you so much.” Baekhyun coos holding the precious thing close to his chest. Jungmin chuckles clearly amused. “Thanks hyung.”

“Not a problem.” Jungmin dismisses it with a wave of his hand. “Well, good night. We have to meet up with Ryuu in the morning, so get some sleep, I know he’s a handful.”

“Tell me about it.” Baekhyun groans dramatically, making the manager laugh. He smiles gratefully and moves to close the door. “Good night hyung, and thanks again.”

Jungmin waves at him again, walking down the corridor, and Baekhyun closes the door softly before skipping enthusiastically over to his bed, the phone in hand. Without wasting a second, he turns it on and plops down on the bed, waiting for it to start. He gapes when it does.

Notifications on missed calls, messages and updates immediately flood the screen causing Baekhyun to close his eyes momentarily. _Wow, he must be really popular._ Baekhyun chuckles to himself before scrolling through the missed calls list, his eyes widening from the sheer amount of it. _251._ The members must’ve really missed him. 

But not Chanyeol of course; the call log doesn’t display Chanyeol’s caller ID anywhere, well honestly, it rarely did. Baekhyun squints in confusion and a little hope glimmers in him when he sees Kyungsoo’s ID, displaying he had called 17 times. Maybe he came to his senses.

Baekhyun’s about to go over the 2,836 messages when he startles and nearly drops the phone when it vibrates, signaling an incoming call. Regarding the caller ID, he notices it’s Minseok; most of the missed calls had been from him, so he answers it immediately.

“BAEKHYUN?! BAEKHYUN IS THAT YOU?! OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?!” The pinkette yanks the phone away from his ear because of the shrill screaming. Minseok sounds like he’s about to lose his shit.

“Of course hyung, who else would it be?” Baekhyun scoffs, raking his hair backwards.

“We were so worried! We tried calling you but your phone wasn’t working. Everyone was ready to fly over there to find out what happened to you but then Jungmin hyung called and he said your phone was broken and-and that was yesterday and, God Baekhyun. Do you know how scared we were all this time?! Huh?! You put us through hell!”

“I’m sorry hyung, I really am, and really my phone stopped working on my second day here and I just got it fixed.” Baekhyun bites his lower lip in guilt. “I’m really sorry I put you guys through that.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re alright so that’s what matters. Me and Soo were losing our shit over here because you just disappeared off the face of Earth and-and we thought you had done something to yourself after-” Minseok trails off into a whisper and Baekhyun sits up on his bed as if he was struck by lightning.

“What the hell are you talking about hyung? Me, doing something to myself? Like kill myself?” Baekhyun scoffs, indicating how much of an absurd statement that is. “Why the hell would you think that? And after what?”

“Baek,” Minseok pauses and over the phone Baekhyun can hear him sniffling and breathing deeply as if trying to hold back tears. Come to think of it, Minseok’s voice this whole time had been shaky and rough, like he had been incessantly crying. And Baekhyun knows; he doesn’t even know how he knows, that it wasn’t because of his non-disappearance.

“Hyung, what’s going on?” Baekhyun murmurs, the seriousness of his hyung’s words dawning on him. Minseok would never state something like that without a valid reason.

“Baek, check your-check your instagram.” Baekhyun’s barely able to catch what Minseok whispers and he doesn’t even waste a second before putting the call on hold and opening up the instagram app, his heart thumping wildly in anticipation.

_No._

_It can’t be._

 

 

Nothing in life could’ve prepared Baekhyun for this. Nothing. 

The horrid nightmares he had these two years, he never in a million years would’ve thought that his life would become the living nightmare he had dreamt of. Well why would he? He had hope, he had faith, he wasn’t going to give up. But it seems that none of those were enough.

None of them were enough to save his heart falling into the deepest, darkest depths of hell, shattered and broken to pieces, impossible to be mended again. Not that he wants to. He doesn’t want it. He won’t want anything again. Nothing in the name of happiness. Nothing in the name of forever. Nothing in the name of love.

_Love?_

What’s love ever done for him anyway? 

Nothing. That’s what.

But he was a fool. A fool too blinded by love to realize that his love would never be his. In his love’s eyes, he didn’t exist. He was merely a shadow. His love would never catch him. It wasn’t possible because his love wasn’t there when he fell. When he fell in love with someone who doesn’t want him to. 

Did he know this? Of course he did. But he didn’t stop, he couldn’t. He tired his heart out holding onto that tiny glimmer of hope, only to have it snuffed out viciously, leaving him to wallow among the ruins. He doesn’t know what’s more tragic, that he kept reaching out for the light, or that it was never there.

Some say it’s painful to wait for someone. Some say it’s painful to forget someone. But the most fucking painful thing is when you don’t know whether to wait or forget. 

 

 

 

The door slams open so hard, its impact on the wall sends a deafening bang throughout the dorm. Baekhyun doesn’t even pause to close it, he marches along the hallway, setting foot on the living room. Although it’s the middle of the night, no one seems to be sleeping yet and everyone stands up alarmed.

And they should be. Baekhyun’s not supposed to return to Korea for another week. Yet here he is, clothes haphazardly thrown on, hair disheveled, face overflowing with uncontrollable tears and body heaving so violently as if he’s hyperventilating.

“Baek?! Fuck, what happened?!” Jongdae’s the first one to reach him. He holds Baekhyun’s shivering form in a tight grip but Baekhyun just shoves him off.

“Chanyeol!” He yells, eyes never leaving the love of his life who seems panicked as the rest of them. Baekhyun feels the crushing weight on his heart, begging him not to ask the question. The fragile thing won’t be able to handle the answer which he already knows. “Is it true?”

“What’re you talking about Baekhyun? Are you-”

“Is it fucking true?! Just fucking tell me Chanyeol! You and Sandara! Is it true?!”

Baekhyun doesn’t know why he’s asking it when he clearly knows the truth. When he already knows what answer will come out of Chanyeol’s mouth. Why is he torturing himself forcing himself to watch his love’s eyes when he says those words? Three words that instantly rips a hole in Baekhyun’s heart, he can literally feel the void inside.

“Yes, we’re dating.”

Is that what Baekhyun wanted to hear? Apparently it was because the second it reaches his ears he turns on his heel and runs out the door. 

He doesn’t care if the members are after him or that it’s snowing outside and he’s shivering under his thin clothes, he doesn’t stop until he’s out of the building, on the sidewalk. He feels his surroundings spinning around him, the three words repeating in his head continuously as if they’re mocking him. 

In fact everything and everyone around him are mocking him. Laughing at him for being such a fool, for dragging himself through this pain knowingly, when he could’ve stopped it. For wasting so much time falling in love and being in love with someone who was already in love with someone else.

Through his haze, Baekhyun hears his name being called by several people. Their voices are familiar but he can’t register them in his mind yet. The only thing that going through his mind right now is that there’s something he needs to do. Something he should’ve done long ago.

With that thought he doesn’t flinch before jumping in front of an approaching taxi and clambering inside when it screeches to a halt. He vaguely remembers him mumbling the destination to the terrified driver and the face he could’ve spot among thousand faces staring at him from across the road with the most heartbroken expression marring his beautiful features.

It’s okay to walk out of someone’s life if you feel like you don’t belong in it anymore, right?

Baekhyun doesn’t remember the ride, he doesn’t remember stopping, he doesn’t remember the elevator ride.

He remembers nothing except the fragrant flowers and plants, verdantly decorated inside a lavish office behind a heavy mahogany door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooooo......
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> imma go hide now...


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!! :D
> 
> B4 we begin.... let me tell y'all.... y'all gonna flip :D
> 
> U'r dead wrong if u thought Baek was the only victim here  
> Also, there's a hint that could give away what Baekhyun's up to in his spare time... so I'd lv u if u could pick that out... (Go read the tags if u can't)... actually no I'd lv u guys either way :D  
> Another thing... not everything's/everyone's the way they seem ;)
> 
> I hope this chapter won't be too confusing.....  
> Enjoy!!!

_This is it._

_This is what he’s been waiting for, for God knows how long. He can almost taste it. He‘s so close to what is his. His freedom, his independence, his gratification. His dream._

_Years in solitude and fear with only his pathetic self to keep him company, years of hate and disappointment towards those who should’ve gained his respect and love, years full of hope that someday he’ll be free, he’ll be free from the clutches of evil torment._

_Finally._

_Finally he’ll be able to put his self-doubt and insecurities behind him by doing the thing he’d always loved to do; lost in high heaven where the hellhounds can’t ever reach him. He’s determined to not let his demons torture him anymore. He left them behind along with a broken childhood that he will never go back to. He has no reason to now. His life is here._

_He has battled hard to reach where he is today. His determination is admirable immensely. Granted, there were moments when he would let his demons take over his sanity; the evil things whispering in his ear about how much of a failure he is, how disgusted the world would be if only it knew, how easy it would be if he just gave in._

_But he fought back. He stood his ground. He never lost his way, never averted his eyes from the big picture; his dream. And he succeeded. He has started life anew; with new friends, a new family and a new home. He’d be damned before he’d let it crash down without doing anything to save it._

_Nothing would make him relapse. He knew it now. He wasn’t disgusting; it was all in his head. He could laugh at his past self for being so foolish to conjure something like that up. And he does. He snickers at himself and the demons he defeated, driven away to the deepest darkest pits in his mind and locked up safely. He would let nothing and no one rouse them from dormancy._

_That is, until he sets his eyes upon the most stunning smile stretched over the most beautiful lips, warm and inviting directed right at him._

 

 

 

12 May 2014

 

“Baek, hurry your ass up! We’re already late!”

“I am hurrying for Gods’ sake. Jeez, I can’t believe how you can run this fast on heels.”

“They’re not heels Baek, they’re wedges. And it’s not hard because they give special lessons to all the girls on their trainee periods on how to break in any kind of shoes.”

“Oh. Wow, that’s an important skill I guess. Might come in handy one day you know? Could teach your daughter.”

“Baek honey, I was just pulling your leg.”

“I know honey, so was I.”

Baekhyun laughs along with his beautiful girlfriend, nudging her shoulder with his when he catches up to her. She pokes his chest playfully in retaliation and he feigns pain, clutching his heart and slumping his weight on her, who groans and wraps her hands around him with a smile. 

“Ugh, you’re so heavy. What’ve you been eating lately?”

“Only what you’ve been feeding me noona.” Baekhyun hums contently against her shoulder.

“How many times have I told you _not_ to call me ‘noona’? Makes me feel so old.” Taeyeon pouts, wiggling herself out of her childish boyfriend’s grip. Said boyfriend tilts his head in confusion.

“But you are.”

Before he’s subjected to a punch in the face which was inevitable to come when Taeyeon’s jaw drops comically in stunned shock, Baekhyun dashes forward, away from her reach and starts running, laughing manically. It’s only a few steps from where they were to the company car which had been parked near the restaurant for more than an hour or so; Baekhyun feels bad for the driver. 

His and Taeyeon’s six month anniversary dinner date was supposed to be finished by the time the car got to the restaurant but, they haven’t even noticed how quickly time had flown by. They were too lost in their own world, chatting away until the driver had personally come around to announce his presence and the urgency of returning. Even then they had wasted some more time deciding on a snack for the road. 

Reaching the car, Baekhyun nods at the driver who’s already inside and waits like the gentleman he is, cackling behind his sweater paws until his girlfriend catches up to him, panting.

“You’re so mean, I don’t know why I put up with you.” When she does catch up, she huffs, strands of blond hair dancing in front of her face with every puff of breath she releases. There’s no bite to what she says and Baekhyun has heard it too many times for his recurring answer to come almost naturally.

“You know why Taeyeon.” He whispers, a small smile tugging at his lips as he tucks the loose strands behind her ear. 

“Yeah, I know.” An equally small smile makes it way to her lips as she tilts her head nuzzling her cheek against the warmth of Baekhyun’s palm. “It’ll be alright, Byun Baekhyun.”

 

 

 

_A pretty name for a pretty face._

_An innocent puppy. A glass doll. A divine angel._

_Those breathtakingly beautiful eyes widened, gleaming in twinkles like a starry night, drooping with naivety and innocence; almost puppy-like. Long raven hair, silky soft under the bright light, slightly messy as if fingers had raked through it in nervousness. Plump cheeks, glowing from a lovely blush slowly making its way down the smooth expanse of the slender neck. Full pink lips, glistening with saliva yet a kittenish tongue darting through them to moisten them again and again._

_And that smile; rivaling those of angels, bright enough to light up a world full of darkness and warm enough to thaw a cold heart frozen in self-contempt, overflowing of elation and a hint of satisfaction. A smile which could bring any and every one to their knees. A smile deserving all the reverence and awe it’s bound to receive. A smile which only adds to the danger in that pretty face._

_A pretty face that manages to infiltrate the most lethal and the most secure hollow in his mind, tearing down the walls and the numerous defense shields he had put up futilely, and in so doing, releasing the dreaded demons that he with most difficulty and resolve had managed to overpower._

_Being locked in confines for so long, lying dormant and waiting to strike, must’ve invigorated the evil because as soon as the barriers are destroyed, the demons return with a vengeance, twice as powerful and overwhelming in tenfold. The force is so intense, his heart thunders in his ribcage, pumping too much blood into his veins that he feels faint from all the adrenaline and the tremors running along his burning skin._

_His knees give out, his angels that had saved him from all the fights in the past, scream at him to flee, to escape from the spell that smile placed him under, because even they know, this is a fight he won’t win. No matter how much defense he creates, no matter how many walls he builds around himself, there will always be a fault; a hole for that smile to crawl in, because he knows. In his heart he knows._

_It’s him._

_No matter how safely he hides, no matter how far he runs away from himself, he can’t deny his fate._

_He can’t deny love._

_Yes, he fell in love._

_But this can’t happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen._

_He worked too hard for too long to become the person he is now. All the while believing that he’d be escaping from his prison. Building a new, normal life. And he has now. He escaped his nightmare. Now, he has too much to lose. And he’s not going to jeopardize his life, his career, his sanity over the love of his life._

_Then it comes. It crashes over him in tidal waves. The resentment. The self-contempt. The most dangerous demons he had defeated, even by putting his own life on the line. They’re feasting on his fear, his doubt, his anxiety. Screaming in his ear what a disappointment he is, what a failure he is, that he can never get rid of them._

_After years of hard work, this is what it has come down to. To go back to square one. Right where he started, with the same demons and same angels resting upon his shoulders, fighting against each other, over him. Over his mind. It’s as if those dreaded years didn’t even exist. He wonders how weak his defense shields were, to crumble down with one single sight of a pretty smile._

_He should’ve realized that no matter how far he ran from his roots, deep down, it would be always ingrained in him, forever. He can’t deny blood, he can’t deny kin. This was bound to happen._

_But he refuses. He refuses to give into the temptation like_ he _did. He wants nothing, nothing whatsoever to do with_ him. _Even if it means denying his true self. The betrayal, the abandonment. The guilt he’s been put through by someone who should’ve been his hero, his rock, his mentor, it’s unforgettable and unforgivable. He refuses to subject the same torment he felt upon his kin._

_He refuses to go through that torture again._

_So, it has to stop. He has to stop it before it’s even begun. He has to nip it in the bud. There can’t be any chance for it to survive._

_It’s better this way._

_“It’s only six months before our debut and he’s here now? We’ve been here for years. He doesn’t deserve to be among us. He doesn’t deserve to be a part of EXO.”_

 

 

 

06 May 2014

 

“SURPRISE!”

Baekhyun flinches back in shock. It’s all he does to not shriek like a little girl. The sudden bright lights temporarily blind him and he squints his eyes and covers his ears because the earsplitting screams are too much. But he laughs enthusiastically all the same. This is indeed a surprise.

His best friend beams brightly behind a delicious looking cake, the four lit red candles illuminating his delighted face. The entire practice room is decorated with balloons and streamers, the wall covered in a huge banner, the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAEKHYUN’ shining in glitter and the floor littered in heaps of confetti. 

“You guys did all this for me?!” Entering the room, he yells over the excited shouts.

“Happy birthday Baek.” His girlfriend strides forward and hugs him affectionately, similar wishes erupting from all his fellow members behind her. 

Well, not all the members. Baekhyun doesn’t even let his eyes wander around the room to search for the person who’s never there. Kyungsoo flashes a small apologetic smile while shaking his head slowly, to which Baekhyun nods quietly.

“That wasn’t fun, you didn’t scream like a sissy. I thought you’d scream like a sissy.” Pouting, Jongdae pockets his phone, sending Baekhyun an accusatory glance. “Why didn’t you scream like a sissy?”

“Shut up knucklehead, aren’t you gonna film him making his wish? You promised to make a full video for our fans.” Minseok chastises as he shoves his hand inside Jongdae’s pocket to retrieve the phone, making its owner squirm uncontrollably. 

“Damn, eager are we?” Jongdae not-so-subtly whispers smirking, causing Minseok to gasp in horror and the practice room to drown in loud groans.

“Oh, get a room you horny fucks. Gross.” Luhan wrinkles his nose in disgust, most of the members mirroring his action.

“We’re not dating!” Minseok exclaims, a weary tone behind his words as if he’s tired of repeating the same words on a daily basis. Which he is actually.

“Mhm, you’d say that wouldn’t you?” Yixing provides smirking, to which Minseok lets out a frustrated whine.

“This is all your fault.” The eldest enunciates every word by poking a satisfied looking Jongdae in the chest. “They get the wrong idea with your nonsense, why can’t you just keep your mouth shut?”

“What? Can’t handle a little flirting?” Jongdae bats his eyelashes at Minseok’s flustered face as he bites his bottom lip enticingly. “You should be used to me by now Minseokkie, we share a room after all.”

“Not anymore.” The eldest quips happily but the grin falls from his face when Jongdae smirks.

“But that doesn’t stop you, does it?”

And here Baekhyun thought he’d seen the last of Jongdae’s and Minseok’s fake flirting. Although, Minseok had seemed to be falling behind on their little game lately and Jongdae obviously has taken his up a notch. Or ten.

“Is it too late to regret opening that door?” Baekhyun mumbles crumpling his face in mock disgust to which Jongdae flips him the finger. Taeyeon chuckles amused beside him.

“No! You’re not supposed to regret anything today, it’s your birthday! So shut the fuck up you piece of shits before I make you!” Kyungsoo reprimands sternly and the chatters die down immediately. He waits until he has the attention of everyone in the room, and smiles holding out the cake. “Come on, make a wish, B.”

Baekhyun looks around the room. Everyone who loves him dearly is there, and he loves them back just as much. He couldn’t even imagine a life without any one of these people. Granted, his mother isn’t there, but she was the first to wish him that morning, so her presence isn’t forgotten.

And to think his members did all this just for him in the middle of a hectic schedule following the release of their new album, even his girlfriend is there, despite being the leader of the biggest girl group in the industry, which probably needs her presence right now since they’re in the middle of promotions too. Yet, she’s here. They’re all here, and Baekhyun can’t find enough words to convey his gratitude.

Through the tears in his eyes he smiles, as bright as the sun, because this is where he belongs. His home. Among his friends, his family. He wouldn’t trade this moment for anything in the world. He wouldn’t ever regret opening that door, the door that revealed the path to a new family three years ago, and tonight, the same door that opened his heart to be filled with the long lost happiness and contentment he’d been a stranger to for so long.

So, he makes his wish. Only, it’s not exactly a wish, rather a statement. And he doesn’t close his eyes and utter it inside his mind either. He keeps his eyes open, set upon his family, and voices it so that everyone can hear it.

“Thank you, for letting me be a part of this family.”

 

 

 

_Lies. Utter lies._

_Is that how it will be from now on? Spewing lies and donning an image which is anything but his true self whenever he’s close to that pretty smile? Can he endure the unimaginable hurt which will take over that pretty face every time he tries to push the angel away? He couldn’t the very first time. What guarantee is there that he can stomach it for God knows how long?_

_He screws his eyes shut. Yet he can’t erase the dejection, the hurt that washed over the pretty face the moment his harsh words escaped his mouth. It’s etched in his mind, behind his eyelids, it will forever haunt him, the pain he made the innocent angel suffer from. And he knows it will grow over the years, because he won’t stop, no matter how much it pains himself, he won’t become_ him.

_One look at the angel, he knows it’s not only him that will have a future filled with heartache and pain. The twinkle isn’t there anymore, it’s as if the starry night got covered by heartless dark clouds. The lively fire in those chocolate orbs is doused, rather they shine with unshed tears. It doesn’t ignite as he thought it would in petty revenge when the CEO chastises him severely, too severely for his rude behavior towards the newest member._

_It’s broken._

_He broke the delicate doll, and he’s not sure if it can be pieced back together again._

_Oh how much he wants to. How much he wants to gather the pieces of glass and with utmost care and love to glue them as whole. Until that pretty smile decorates that pretty face again. Until it lights up the world; his world, again. How much he wants to envelop the angel in his protective embrace, shielding against any and every jab of evil, including from those coming from himself._

_But he can’t. He won’t. He has to stand his ground. He has to build his walls back up again. This time stronger, even though he knows it’s futile. Even though he can’t hide his heart from what it wants the most. From who it wants the most._

_Yet there’s a morbid hatred brewing inside him, on the verge of overshadowing the love he feels for his angel. A hatred fueled on by the fact that the self-contempt, insecurity and the fear wouldn’t have returned to destroy his life again, if it wasn’t for that pretty smile._

_Everything he worked hard for, slaved over for, lies shattered to bits beneath his feet because his heart was too weak to have been swayed by that angel. His hatred intensifies whenever his mind fills with bitter memories of a time that is best left forgotten, yet they swarm inside his head, stabbing his body with the rough jabs. An all too familiar pain he’s not willing to go through again._

_The pain clouds his mind, so much so that the love he felt at first sight for the angel eventually gets concealed under a thick blanket of hate. Desperate, he tries to ease his suffering by taking it out on the one who’s responsible._

_The one who’s responsible for opening his heart to feelings that shouldn’t exist._

 

 

 

08 April 2014

 

“He’s staring you know?”

Clubs are not Baekhyun’s thing.

Too loud and too many people; drunk people to be exact, yelling nonsense and groping whoever goes past. It’s stuffy and hot with the stench of alcohol and smoke and honestly Baekhyun would just stay at the dorm with his fellow members and watch Pororo eating popcorn on EXO’s second anniversary than suffocating to death in CEO Lee’s a cut above private club.

But being under SM, they have to follow rules. And they have to keep their image. He doesn’t even need to think about what their colleagues would think if they didn’t show up to their own anniversary party.

Hence now, half their members are beyond drunk and showing off moves on the dance floor and the other half, scattered here and there, passed out inside some of the booths and maybe throwing up inside the restrooms. Although, Baekhyun’s pretty sure the reason Sehun and Luhan scampered towards the restroom hand in hand, is not to release the contents of their bellies down a toilet bowl.

Baekhyun might be tipsy, but he had been attentive of his surroundings and the members lest they do something embarrassing among their seniors because, their leaders, Joonmyun and Yifan had been disappeared into a booth with Shim Changmin and Jung Yunho and is yet to emerge. Yet on this night, they’re supposed to celebrate and have fun, so when his girlfriend tries to drag him towards the dance floor, he doesn’t think twice before abandoning his post on the high stool near the bar. 

“Huh? Who?” Baekhyun looks around puzzled; well, tries to, because Taeyeon tightens her grip around his neck basically rendering him immobile. 

“Who do you think genius?”

 _Of course. Who else would it be?_ Baekhyun is honestly getting tired of this. He hates it; the longing stares, the dispirited aura, the apologetic mien, everything, signs of someone who’s immensely guilty and repentant. 

“As if.” Baekhyun scoffs humorlessly as they move to music. It’s too loud but they can hear each other clearly, even if they talk on their normal pitch, with their proximity.

“Seriously Baek, I’m not kidding. He hasn’t taken his eyes off of you since we started dancing, and- Oh God.” Baekhyun panics when Taeyeon stiffens and hides her face in his shoulder.

“What? What happened?”

“Jesus, he just glared at me like he wanted to choke the life out of me.” Taeyeon sounds honestly scared and Baekhyun just wants to choke the life out of the person to whom he has his back to and who’s undoubtedly glaring daggers at his poor girlfriend. “God, I’m tired of this Baekhyun, when will you put an end to this? To him?”

“Hey, shh. It’s okay. You know there’s nothing I can do, we just gotta ignore him. But for now,” Baekhyun tightens his arms around Taeyeon’s waist and pulls her closer, burying his face in her neck intimately, a smirk tugging at his lips. He can literally feel the heavy stare on his back as he leans forward to whisper in her ear. “Just let him watch.”

 

 

 

_Why did he ever think that this would be easy?_

_Hiding his feelings behind a tough uncaring façade, hoping they’ll disappear if he would just put enough effort into it. Hoping desperately, that he could change what is right._

_And it is right. The feeling he was overwhelmed with whenever he was to hear that sweet honey voice, whenever he was to set his eyes upon that angelic face, whenever he was to receive even the slightest touch from those dainty fingers, even merely knowing that the angel was in the same room as him. The feeling of perfection and completion. As if they’re each other’s missing halves that he never knew were missing. They’re theirs. Yet they aren’t._

_It only proves as difficult because it’s obvious that the angel is relentless; working twice as hard as the other members, and in no time achieving a level that of an experienced trainee. He doesn’t need to be reminded why the angel persists this much. And he also doesn’t need any more proof to disintegrate the very first words he spoke of the angel. Not that he needed any._

_Still, there’s an invisible barrier between them, one which he had put up the first moment they met. A barrier of lies and a repelling hatred. He couldn’t bring it down even if he wanted to. His demons are too powerful. They’re in control of his mind, and he’s starting to realize that his heart too would come to be under a power, too dark for him to have control over._

_Yet, however much the darkness tries to keep him away from the angel, his body and heart craves it. The sense of completion. The proximity. He’s not able to stop himself from stealing tender glances among all the irate glares. Neither can he stop himself from lingering on regretfully after a useless verbal row with harsh words; too harsh for the angel’s innocent ears. But he’s careful. Among all the chaos in his mind, he’s careful enough to not slip up._

_He can’t let anyone know. To the world, he’s the mood maker, the ever so joyful, friendly and caring rapper of the rising boy group. He can’t let anyone know of the heartache he harbors deep inside his heart for hurting a literal angel on a daily basis and for not being able to accept his true self._

_He hopes for the cold glares and the harsh words to protect him; the shield around his heart which no one can penetrate. But, it’s crumbling, day after day, he can hear the cracks, he can feel the rifts. And the surprise he wasn’t ready for is that it’s not the angel who was responsible._

_It was all him. He was too weak, too much in love, that he himself was to blame for the crumbling of his hard resolve._

_He let himself be swept away by that chiming laugh, that crinkling eye smile, that weird but playful personality and the endless chatter. He let the hatred be simmered down by that soothing voice and pretty smile._

_He let himself be in love, for once._

_Everything about the angel amuses him. Fascinates him; how breathtaking the angel is, in every aspect. He’s certain that the beauty and the compassion the angel possesses cannot be of this world. An ethereal being sent down to this Earth to test him; to test his patience and sanity._

_How he still persists, he doesn’t know, because as soon as those pretty lips part to pave way for a wave of ceaseless yammering; even though he could spend an eternity only listening to that melodious voice, he itches to stride over to the angel and make it stop. Preferably with his own lips._

_His hands quiver whenever he’s in close proximity to the angel, body burning in liquid fire which he knows will only be quenched if he were to just run his fingers along the silky-smooth soft skin. He longs for the caress of those long dainty fingers on his skin, the touch of that pair of luscious pink lips on his own, and for the feel of that petit slender body cuddled up against his larger frame, basking in the warmth which will undoubtedly overpower the cold in his heart._

_It’s a pity the cold is unyielding. It’s a pity his demons are remorseless. It’s also a pity that in his despair he had surrendered his heart to someone else._

 

 

 

17 March 2014

 

“And the award goes to, EXO!”

The huge hall shakes with the deafening cheers which follows the announcement, their names being chanted and congratulatory praises streaming from each and every side. The members, too high on joy and disbelief, cheers along with their fans as they follow their jubilantly ecstatic leader towards the stage to receive the award they’ve worked so hard for.

The process is always the same; walking up to the stage, receiving the award and delivering the speeches of gratitude. The actions are recurring yet the emotions and feelings are always fresh and bright, no matter how many times they go through it, it’s unparalleled in anything they’ve ever experienced. It feels for Baekhyun, like the very first time they won an award.

The rush of adrenaline fueling the elation in their hearts and the contentment of their souls, gazing over the sea of their beloved fans who are chanting, cheering with so much love and devotion; the members don’t need any convincing to realize that the looks of exhilaration and love on their fans’ faces is an award enough. Joonmyun makes sure to say so in his speech, speaking wetly through tears.

The stage performance goes well, to their delight. All of their practice had paid off as they deliver one of the best performances they had done on a stage. The deafening applause ring in their ears, as they scamper backstage towards their makeup room. Yet Baekhyun falls behind, leaning on a wall and panting heavily in exhaustion, placing his hands on his knees. He goes through this every time they finish a performance, the fatigue settling in when the adrenaline wears off.

None of the members seem to notice as they’re too occupied with themselves, talking excitedly and laughing as they make their way to the makeup room. Baekhyun doesn’t mind though, feeling strangely calm and peaceful among the hectic atmosphere as he slumps down on a nearby chair and throws his head back, closing his eyes, listening to the sounds of frantic footsteps and tense shouts. He figures the members can wait for a little while for him until he gets his frantic heartbeat under control.

“Baekhyun?” He literally jumps a foot in the air at the unfamiliar voice as he’s snapped awake from his trance. Panting heavily to calm his heartbeat, he blinks at the last person he ever wants to see. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, did I scare you?”

“H-hi, noona,” He grits out with a tight smile, bitterness and hostility bubbling up inside his body; he’d be anywhere but with her, nevertheless, he has to maintain politeness and the friendship.

“You looked sick, are you okay? Can I call someone?” Sandara looks genuinely worried as she steps closer to inspect Baekhyun’s face.

“Yeah, no I’m okay, it’s the adrenaline, not a big deal.” Baekhyun assures nodding and Sandara mirrors his action, a look of understanding flashing on her face. She coos at him gently, making Baekhyun’s face heat up; it’s impossible to be bitter towards her, it seems, for she has a wonderful personality and it’s not really her fault. Baekhyun coughs awkwardly to distract himself. “It’s been a while, noona. A long while, I guess.”

“I know! I think it’s almost been a year.” Sandara exclaims, excitement brimming in her doe eyes and Baekhyun chuckles uneasily. “Your first win, right?”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun nods, scratching his wrist over the long sleeves, flashing a bashful smile. “Can’t believe you remember that, noona.”

“Oh, I remember!” Sandara giggles, a sweet smile decorating her lips. She tucks her loose brunet hair behind her hair, eyeing him playfully as she speaks up again. “Although, I remember it for a different reason, you know?”

“Oh?” Baekhyun plays along, furrowing his eyebrows and tilting his head, lips forming a pout in feigned confusion. “Whatever could it be?”

“You’ll never guess it in a thousand years.” Sandara sing-songs, shaking her head cutely, making Baekhyun laugh at her antics. 

He had forgotten how childish and sweet this older girl could be; she had proven it on their first encounter a year ago, on the award show where EXO received their first win. She had been one of the first idols to approach the rookies and congratulate them heartily, wishing them best of luck for a perfect future. They had held their conversation for the rest of the ceremony; the time had flown by with how much fun they were having.

The members had almost cracked their ribs from laughing too hard to Sandara’s jokes and all of them had been very grateful to her for making them feel at ease and for supporting them despite being under a different company. It’s an open secret that there’re rivalries between the companies yet friendships and relationships are formed nonetheless. 

Baekhyun can see how someone would fall for Sandara, for her bubbly self and the compassionate aura. He somewhat regrets not keeping in contact with her through the past year even though he had her number. 

“Come on, noona. Can’t you just tell me? I’ll take you out for ice cream if you tell me.” Baekhyun quips, continuing his cute dramatics, with the pout and the battling of his eyelashes. Sandara laughs wholeheartedly, eyes crinkling in mischief.

“You sure your girlfriend won’t mind?” She winks and Baekhyun blushes. “I can’t believe you’re dating a girl, Baek. You were an innocent little puppy just a year ago. Gosh, they grow up so fast.”

“Noona!” Baekhyun whines, chuckling uneasily, causing Sandara to break her dreamy expression and laugh loudly. But she sobers up fast and eyes Baekhyun seriously. Baekhyun is long past the stage where he wondered the girl might be bipolar.

“Listen, I know the company arranged this but, are you happy Baek? Does she make you happy?”

Baekhyun doesn’t need to think twice to voice his answer.

“Yeah,” Beaming brightly, he nods, his now raven locks curtaining his eyes. He swipes them to the side. “Yeah, she does.”

“Then that’s all that matters. I’m really happy for you Baek.” Sandara wraps her arms around Baekhyun’s figure, hugging him tightly and Baekhyun returns it gratefully. “Don’t think this isn’t supposed to last. If you love her, go for it, make her yours. The company be damned.”

“Thank you noona, that means a lot.” Baekhyun swallows around the lump in his throat. “And I’m really happy for you too, noona. I bet he loves you so much.”

“Oh, he does.” Sandara breaks the hug, grinning goofily. “And I love him too. He’s such a sweetheart. I can see why he’s called the ‘happy virus’.”

“Does he treat you well? If he doesn’t, just tell me okay? I’ll whoop his ass.”

“I appreciate the sentiment honey, but there’s no need.” Sandara giggles amusedly as she waves her hand dismissively. “He’s like the softest person on Earth. He can’t hurt a soul.”

_Oh, the irony._

Baekhyun scoffs sardonically but the sound gets drowned by Sandara suddenly letting out a high-pitched squeal. He knows the girl has some weird quirks and has come to terms with most of them on their first encounter but this was the one thing he couldn’t stand, thus he places his palms over his ears. 

The action had pretty much irritated Sandara a year ago but this time, she doesn’t even notice it as her full attention has been grabbed by someone who’s conversing with a cameraman some ten feet away. Noticing who exactly the person is and the overjoyed look on Sandara’s face, Baekhyun feels bile rising up in his throat.

“I gotta go talk to him, it’s been so long since we met in person. Schedules suck you know?” Baekhyun flashes a tight agreeing smile and Sandara hugs him again. “It was so nice meeting you again, Baek. I hope we can do this more often. Oh, I know! We can go on a double date! You got my number, right?”

“Uh-” Baekhyun stiffens. He doesn’t need to be reminded how bad of an idea that is. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, noona.”

“Nonsense, you’re just shy to show off your little girlfriend.” Sandara smirks, breaking the hug and starts walking backwards towards her boyfriend who’s still in a deep conversation with the cameraman. “It’ll be fun. Call me, we’ll set it up. I gotta go Baek, Bye.”

Baekhyun waves at her and averts his eyes as soon as she turns her back to him, not keen on witnessing anything going on between the two lovers, but whips his head around when a certain question pokes at his mind.

“Hey, wait, noona!” Sandara immediately turns around inquisitively and Baekhyun desperately tries to keep his eyes from falling from her face to the familiar hand resting on her shoulder. “What did you mean you remember our first win for a different reason?”

Sandara laughs out loud, as if the recollection brings her so much joy. She reaches her hand to grip the hand on her shoulder tightly as she cranes her neck to gaze at the person behind her with a huge grin, and suddenly, Baekhyun dreads the answer.

“It was the day we started dating.”

 

 

 

_She is beautiful, but not as breathtaking. She is kindhearted but not as compassionate. She is peculiar, but not as unique._

_She is his, but she is not his angel._

_She had appeared as an oasis for his parched self. Parched and exhausted from all the lies, all the pretending, his demons and his angel. He’d been convinced that she had saved him, from himself, from the pain and suffering. He’d been convinced that with her he could have the chance at a normal life._

_Oh, how wrong he was._

_It felt wrong to hold her hands as they weren’t the slender dainty ones he was yet to hold. It felt wrong to smile at her as the smile he got in return wasn’t the adorable boxy grin that lit up his world. It felt wrong to kiss her as the lips on his own weren’t the slim rosy ones that haunted his dreams. And it certainly felt wrong to love her as he never felt as loved as the angel made him feel._

_She was an oasis, yes, but he was too late to realize the oasis was full of a subtle poison, draining him slowly, dulling his senses and changing him into someone he didn’t want to become. Someone the angel despised. Someone who was indifferent to all the love the angel was giving him._

_He could see it, in those glistening eyes that night, the shattered look when the angel poured the undying love for him at his feet. Even though the exact words weren’t used, the message was clear, as it had been always, the angel loved him, cared for him immeasurably. It’s true that he remained indifferent to every act of compassion the angel did for him; every look of concern thrown his way, every dinner saved for him, every night of sleepless waiting, but he wasn’t blind nor dumb._

_He desperately hoped the angel was though. Two years was a long time to hold onto a love that isn’t being reciprocated. Yet the angel endured. Even though it was admirable, the heavy guilt in his heart was weighing him down. Even the mere gaze upon the angel, knowing inside that his heart belonged to someone else, someone else who wasn’t the divine angel, who is the rightful owner of it, made him curse at his shameful self, because he didn’t deserve the love the angel was capable of giving him, was already giving him._

_What he hadn’t told the members that day was that he actually had planned to stay at the dorm, his real home, because visiting his childhood home was bound to stir unpleasant and bitter memories he would’ve lived well off without. Yet the guilt was massive, the shattered soul inside those brown orbs haunting his mind, he needed to escape. His heart was constricting, his throat was closing up, he needed to breathe but that wasn’t possible in the place where every single thing reminded him of someone he couldn’t have._

_So he left. Escaped his once safe haven to the stifling prison from which he broke out long ago. If he was in the right mind that day he would’ve thrown himself off of a bridge than crawling back like a dog with its tail between its legs to the place that broke him, broke his spirit, his soul, his mind._

_It had been five years since he last set his eyes upon that wasteland, yet he was the same as he was when he had his back to his childhood, facing his uncertain yet bright future in the big city, now his back to his home and facing his childhood nightmare._

_He was alone._

_Most of his life, he spent alone. Despite having the presence of his sister in his childhood, and his fellow members in his new life, despite having his girlfriend in his life, despite having the shell of the outgoing and sociable guy, he was alone. In his thoughts, and in his feelings. He was alone in his misery and so was he in love. It didn’t bother him when he left but it sure did when he returned. His whole body felt like lead, and he quivered in cold. Not from the cold wind that slapped his face, but the cold emptiness in his heart._

_The coldness grew over the days. Neither the familiar voices of the maids nor the overjoyed expressions on their faces from seeing their young master again in five years could thaw it. Everything was just as same as he could remember. Barren and empty._

_Every nook and corner brought back memories. Memories of a little boy hiding under a table, shivering and flinching in fear, clutching his pet ferret as his parents continued their loud arguing day after day. Words too heavy and incomprehensible on his little mind, yet made perfect sense._

_He could see his childhood self. Repeating the words that were ingrained in his mind from his parents’ endless arguments. They sounded louder than the comforting and calming words his sister whispered in his ear._

_“You ruined everything! You ruined this family, you disgusting piece of shit! Why didn’t you tell me before I left my family for you?! You ruined my life, you’re gonna ruin my children! What if my son becomes like you?! What if he turns out like the disgusting bastard you are?!”_

_“What if he really turns out like his daddy? What if he loves a man and decides to abandon his wife and kids? What if his own kids turn out like him? He doesn’t want that. It’s wrong. And it’s disgusting. Daddy was disgusting. Daddy ruined mommy’s life. Daddy loved uncle Dae more than mommy.”_

_“It’s disgusting to like another man. Mommy doesn’t like it. So no one else must like it too. But why does daddy do it if no one likes it? Why did he leave mommy and noona and him to go with uncle Dae? What was it that daddy said?”_

_“I love him.”_

_Love._

_It’s extraordinary that he finds himself in a similar state as his father. In love with a man while being in a relationship with a woman. Everything he had done to avoid this exact situation had been for naught. Could it be because he knew deep down it was inevitable that he’d end up here? Maybe that’s why he didn’t try hard enough. Maybe that’s why he didn’t take another handful of pills that night seven years ago. Because he knew he was just like his father, and there’s no escape._

 

 

 

04 February 2014

 

“Baek? Baek, can I talk to you?”

Baekhyun peeks his head out from the closet, where he had been digging around for his favorite onesie. He’s yet to find it even after a good fifteen minutes of a thorough search, truth be told, he doubts it if he even could find it in this mess. The sudden move from his former room to Minseok’s had been frantic and with the release of the new album and promotions, he’s yet to have some leisure time to just sit down and sort through his belongings, much to Minseok’s annoyance.

The busy schedule also kept him away from Kyungsoo, with whom he was desperate to resolve their petty conflict. He could see that his best friend was too, but the heavy workload kept them apart and Baekhyun knew that Kyungsoo was giving him space after all that’d happened. Or so he thought.

So, when he finds his best friend, looking as if he hadn’t had a wink of sleep in weeks, lips and hands trembling, eyes wide and frantic, shining with unshed tears, desperate and vulnerable, Baekhyun doesn’t hesitate for one second to give up his quest on searching for his onesie and marching towards Kyungsoo.

“Soo? Baby, hey, what’s wrong?”

Their familiar pet name proves to be enough for Kyungsoo to break down in heavy sobs, falling limply in Baekhyun’s arms. Gasping in panic, the honey blond presses the small body to his own tightly and moves them both to his bed, all the while shushing the devastating cries of his best friend.

“Baek- I’m sorry Baek, I’m-I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I wasn’t- I wasn’t- God, I’m so sorry.”

“Baby, hey, calm down, shh, it’s ok,” Kyungsoo shakes his head frantically indicating that it’s not okay, hiding his puffed face behind his trembling hands. Baekhyun tries his best to sooth the crying boy, but to no avail. The sobbing doesn’t cease, and neither does the incessant apologizing. “Soo, look at me, hey, what’re you talking about? What’re you sorry for?”

“You-you’re not-” Kyungsoo sniffs, the loud sobs ceasing a fraction with Baekhyun continuously rubbing soothing circles on his back. He rocks their bodies back and forth slowly, pulling the ravenet tight against his chest protectively. “I-I didn’t mean it Baek, what I said that-that day, I didn’t mean any-any of it. I was- I was so mad at Jongin and-and I know it’s not an excuse but-but I took it all on-on you, and with all you’ve been going through- God I can’t imagine what you must’ve felt, I’m so sorry Baek.”

Kyungsoo’s crying had stopped halfway through his rant but by the end of it, he breaks down again, and Baekhyun wants to slap himself.

Three months, three whole months Kyungsoo had been drowning in constant guilt and Baekhyun was too busy to notice. Nothing, not his girlfriend nor the promotions would’ve mattered if he had known. But he didn’t, and he couldn’t even imagine what Kyungsoo must’ve been going through these past months, knowing he had spoken such harsh words to his best friend who was already in pain deep inside.

“Baby Soo,” Baekhyun whispers, gently prying away Kyungsoo’s hands from his face, and cupping a swollen cheek. When those big eyes come into view, reddened around the rims and shaking with the effort of keeping another stream of tears at bay, Baekhyun feels his own eyes sting as well, but he smiles through his bleary vision and shakes his head slowly. “You’re my best friend Soo. Nothing, I mean, nothing you say can make me mad at you because I know you never mean it when you snap at me like that. I kinda deserved it though, I was annoying you, remember? But I was never mad at you ok? I can never be. So it’s ok, ok?”

“Can you-” Kyungsoo looks up from his fiddling fingers at Baekhyun with a desperate glint in his eyes. “Can you forgive me, Baekhyun, please?”

“Mmm, no.” Baekhyun chuckles as Kyungsoo gasps in shock, his eyes widening even more at Baekhyun’s playful tone. The honey blond pulls his best friend into a fierce embrace, literally squeezing the life out of him. “I’m not forgiving you because there’s nothing to forgive for idiot.”

“But, Baek I need-”

“No that’s enough, zip it. Now,” Baekhyun breaks the hug and shifts so that he’s facing Kyungsoo rather than sitting beside him, and places his hands on the smaller’s shoulders, leveling their gazes. “Tell me why you were mad at Jongin.”

Kyungsoo sighs dejected, a heartbroken expression marring his swollen face.

“If I tell you, will you forgive me?” Kyungsoo sounds so vulnerable in his gravelly voice from all the crying, and Baekhyun flashes a fond smile.

“If that means so much to you, then yeah, I’ll forgive you.”

“God, thank you. Ok, um, but you gotta promise me you won’t scream. I’m serious Baek, promise me you won’t make a scene.” Kyungsoo rushes out when Baekhyun scoffs offhandedly. Baekhyun pouts in confusion but nods anyway, eager to know the reason why his best friend had been so snappy three months ago. Kyungsoo mirrors his action and blows out air through his mouth in nervousness. “Ok, um, I uh, we- I mean Jongin and I, we kinda, had sex, on the couch.”

Now, Baekhyun doesn’t know what he was expecting to come out of Kyungsoo’s mouth, but it _certainly wasn’t that._

“WHA-”

His loud shrieking gets cut off halfway by Kyungsoo frantically pressing both of his palms to Baekhyun’s open mouth, leaving him to let out the rest of his surprise, shock and outrage in series of incomprehensible mumbling behind Kyungsoo’s palms.

“You idiot, I told you not to scream.” Kyungsoo hushes and Baekhyun tilts his head, eyebrows furrowing in exasperation, and mumbles something even he couldn’t have understood if he were in Kyungsoo’s place. “What?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and points to Kyungsoo’s hands on his mouth. The ravenet looks tentative for a second before slowly removing his hands, apparently convinced that Baekhyun won’t scream like a banshee anymore.

“How can I not scream?” Baekhyun repeats his previous muffled statement as soon as his mouth is free, shaking Kyungsoo by the shoulders frenziedly; the only thing he can do to release his excitement now that screaming is out of the question. “You tell me how can I not scream when I find out my best friend got laid, with his crush might I add, and didn’t bother to tell me?!”

“I couldn’t Baek. I wanted to, I swear.” Kyungsoo whines as he places his hands on Baekhyun’s elbows, stopping the blond from shaking him further. “You’re my best friend, I swear I was gonna tell you, but, Jongin didn’t want me to. He didn’t want anyone finding out.”

“What? Why?”

“That’s why I was so mad that day.” Kyungsoo continues albeit hesitantly, the defeated look in his big eyes stabbing daggers in Baekhyun’s heart. “Everyone was out that day, when I came back from the studio Jongin was the only one in the dorm. He said he ditched Yifan and Zitao because he felt like a third wheel and, I don’t know, we just got to talking you know? Even if we’re roommates and close as hell, I don’t think we actually sat down and talked like that, ever. I mean, real talk. We talked about everything, our families, our childhoods, his dogs, God he was crazy about those dogs.”

“And then, I don’t know what came over me but, he was so close, too close and, you know I’ve always been on love with him so I couldn’t stop myself. I, kissed him.” Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut as Baekhyun squeals, wiggling his toes in excitement. “Shut up alright?”

“He kissed you back, right? Please tell me he kissed you back.”

“Of course he did, how else do you think it led to sex?” Kyungsoo reddens as he realizes what he said, and Baekhyun’s having the time of his life rolling around the bed in hysterics. “Ugh, I hate you.”

“Come on, you love me. So wait, why did Jongin want to keep it a secret?”

“I don’t know! God!” Kyungsoo groans, his voice cracking at the end. “When we- when we were done, I told him that I loved him and, he went crazy. He said that we can’t be together, some bullshit about the society not allowing it. I told him we can keep it a secret you know, like- half of our members are together and no one outside of this dorm knows it, we could be like that too. But he said he can’t do it, said that it’s better for me to stay away from him, that I would be happy with someone else. God knows how much I tried to convince him otherwise.”

“He did what?!” Baekhyun snaps, fury running up his body in waves. Never in his life he thought Jongin would turn out like this. Jongin took advantage of his Soo. “That fucking bastard. I’ll kill him, I fucking swear I’m gonna kill him.”

However, before Baekhyun could get down from the bed in his rage to snap the neck of the bastard who hurt his Soo, tiny arms wrap around him tightly from behind, rendering him immobile. He tries to wiggle out of the hold but Kyungsoo only hugs him tighter. Huffing in frustration and yet to be doused anger, Baekhyun sighs and gently turns around. He expects to see endless streams of tears running down his best friend’s face, but the image he sets his eyes upon is more heartbreaking than that. Kyungsoo just stares into space, broken and blank.

“You know the worst part?” The smaller whispers. “Every word he said was to push me away, right after he fucked me. I thought he had taken advantage of me and trying to get rid of me. But that wasn’t it. He loved me.”

“Soo, he can’t have-”

“No Baekhyun, he did. I could feel it. He didn’t just fuck me. He made love to me. And he hasn’t talked to me since that day. God, this fucking hurts.” Baekhyun gazes on, body numb, as Kyungsoo chokes back a sob, frustratingly wiping off his stray tears. “Love isn’t supposed to hurt, is it?”

“No. It’s not.”

 

 

 

_“You love him, don’t you?”_

_“You’re lying Che. You’ve been lying this whole time, to everyone. Even to yourself.”_

_“Tell me something. Are you happy with her? Do you really love her? Or are you using her as a shield from the real person you love?”_

_“You’re not turning into dad, lil’ brother. Dad ran away with love. You’re running away from love.”_

_“Truth be told, I’d actually want you to be like dad. To have the courage he had. To go after what you want.”_

_“You’re not disgusting, neither is dad. You’re beautiful for having someone like him in your life.”_

_“I don’t hate dad Che. Neither should you. No one should be hated for being who they are.”_

_“Let the hate go. Move on from the past. Have a future, with him. No one will judge you as long as you prove your love as real. Which it is, I know.”_

_“But if you keep this up, yours is not the only heart that will break in the end.”_

_“Accept yourself Che. Accept him. Be happy.”_

_Could it really be that simple? Letting go? Moving on? Being happy?_

_Yes. It is._

_For the first time in life, he finds out what happiness is. It’s seeing the angel’s eyes light up when they talk, not with harsh words, but like normal humans. It’s causing the beautiful blush appear on the angel’s face when he teases him playfully. It’s seeing the smile he fell in love with never leave the angel’s lips for the longest time._

_Happiness is making his angel happy._

_He doesn’t want it to end, ever. He wants to be the one that’ll wait with a hot coffee as his angel gets out of a cold shower. The one that’ll scare away anyone and everyone who’d even look at his angel with hungry eyes. The one with whom will his angel be the closest, most comfortable, at his best and worst. The one that’ll feel the same pain his angel is going through and the one that’ll go to ends of the Earth to relieve said pain. The one that’ll be the cause of that smile when the angel comes home to find that he stayed up. The one with whom his angel would want to hug, cuddle, hold hands, kiss, plan their future, to do anything and everything._

_He wants to do it all._

_And he does them; with an unexpected spontaneity and genuineness he finds within himself. It comes naturally, unrestrained and wholehearted. He falls in love with the angel every minute of every day, for giving him life, for drawing him out from his cocoon, for teaching him to love himself._

_He loves his eyes because the angel’s smile is imprinted behind them. He loves his name because the angel’s voice sounds ethereal pronouncing it. He loves his heart because it beats for the angel. He loves his life now because the angel is a permanent resident in it. The angel is his home._

_The angel was his home since the first minute he laid eyes on that pretty smile. How unlucky was he to not realize that sooner. But, how lucky was he to find the sun that would light up his world, finally._

_But there was something blocking the light; someone. Her, to whom he had given his heart, in a moment of desperation. Oh, how much he regretted that now._

_He’s reminded of this harsh truth on that unforgettable night, when the Gods looked his way for once. Never in his life he had thought that that offending game would go his way; the day he got to have a little taste of heaven. He would’ve stayed, God, he would’ve taken it all the way, he would’ve claimed his angel right then and there, if it weren’t for the annoying voices in his head screaming at him that he had no right placing his lips or his hands on the angel. That he already belonged to her._

_The amount of detestation and regret he had felt towards himself by the end of it, he could’ve drowned in it at once had it not been for that glimmer of hope that he could free himself of the restricting clutches of a relationship he never even wanted to be in. So he tries to. Desperately._

_But she, she’s relentless and persistent. And unexpectedly devious. He never would’ve imagined someone like her; cheerful, kindhearted and caring could harbor such deep blackness inside. But of course, who wouldn’t have acted like her if the subject was his sexual orientation? How would he have felt if he were in her position? If the person he’s dating tells him that they’re into the same sex? Or what if it was person he’s married to?_

_He did it, didn’t he? He became his father. He brought upon his girlfriend the same pain his father brought upon his mother. The circle never halted, even if he suffered more than he could handle to remove a variable. It was inevitable._

_But unlike his mother, his girlfriend doesn’t leave him. She does believe him, in fact, but she refuses to let him go. Why? He would’ve given his life to know why. She just wants him by her side for as long as she wants, doing anything she says; it’s amazing what love could make you do, or his little secret will be exposed. He doesn’t need to be reminded of what that will do to him, the group, the company, but most importantly, his angel._

_So he yields. To save his angel, he surrenders himself. Follows every demand she makes. But not all. He would do anything, but not parting with his angel; even though it physically and emotionally pains him. Whenever he looks into those eyes, he sees a future that’ll never become true. His heart swells in guilt when he notices those eyes reflecting the pain he’s in._

_That fateful night, if he knew what would happen he would’ve never agreed to what she’d demanded. To announce their relationship to the public. He had agreed to the incessant demanding in the hopes that it will discourage the angel, make the angel fall out of love with him when it’s clear that he’s taken. He had thought it’d be better for them both._

_But that look, that fucking look he’d been placed under that night, so brokenhearted and pitiful, as if all hope is lost in those once twinkling eyes, as if the sun had been hidden behind a thick curtain of dark clouds and an icy snowstorm is whirling inside that trembling body. He could see it. Even if they were broken, those eyes already had a thin layer of ice formed over them._

_And he knew then, his angel won’t ever be the same anymore._

_He just wants to scream at the world, demand answers to what he’s doing wrong. Because he believes he’s right. He’s doing the right thing. He’s letting the angel go so that he won’t darken a life so bright and innocent. He’s sacrificing his life, his happiness so that his angel can live a normal life with the rightful happiness that pretty smile deserves._

_So why are they both suffering and in pain?_

_What is he doing wrong?_

_Why does love hurt so much?_

 

 

 

We cannot be sure of having something to live for unless we’re willing to die for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo........
> 
>  
> 
> That wasn't too confusing, was it? I hope even some of the puzzles hv been cleared up, if not, just ask me :) Tho i should tell u, I won't reveal everything... hv to keep the suspense going right? ;)
> 
> This chapter... it's mostly Chanyeol-centric bcz I figured it's abt time his side of the story is revealed. He's been seen as a bad guy for too long & I wanted to show that he had a good reason to do what he did. I sympathize with Chan actually bcz I kno how a rough childhood could change someone, the impact it has on ppl... I hv firsthand experiences tbh...
> 
> And if u thought that it's weird that I never used anyone's names in Chanyeol's monologue... Chanyeol's referred to as 'him', Baekhyun's 'the angel', etc. it's bcz I wanted to individualize them in Chanyeol's mind. In his mind, he's alone & detached. No one sees the real him & no one could understand him, so he doesn't address anyone with their name bcz he wants to be as distant as he always is, even with himself :C  
> No matter how much pain he puts Baekhyun through, Chanyeol's a hero to me :) Think anyone can give up their happiness so that their lv can be happy? Tho that doesn't work here, the sentiment is what matters :)
> 
> And bear with him for awhile k? He's confused & scared so his actions might not be the best.
> 
> Also.... out of Taeyeon & Sandara.... who do think is good? Or r they both bad? 
> 
> See u in the next chap!!!  
> Lv u!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all gonna flip........ again :D
> 
> Just a friendly warning... try not to get whiplash, drunk Baek & sane Baek r 2 completely different ppl  
> Seriously, I'm still trying to wrap around it & I'm the one who wrote it o_O
> 
> Friendly reminder... none of the members leave the group in this fic ok? Seriously, it would just break my heart if they- T_T
> 
> WE'RE ONE!!!

“Get off, get off, get off.”

The ravenet mumbles hysterically, voice wet with tears, trying to clean off the dark smudges of sin covering his hands under the cold flow of water. He shivers from both the cold water and the revolting disgust crawling up his spine, noticing the familiar sight of water turning dark crimson before being washed down the drain. He hiccups on a sob and wrenches his left hand away from the water when another recurring wave of stinging pain shoots up his weak arm.

Cradling his arm to his chest, Baekhyun tries his best to muffle his sobs under the palm of his right hand, its skin damp and slightly wrinkled from being in contact with water for so long and also the endless flow of tears that doesn’t seem to lessen. Heaving heavily behind his hand, he clamps his eyes shut as he backtracks to one of the corners of the small bathroom and slides down, the tiles squeaking behind his damp shirt. He whimpers in so much pain; he never could handle pain very well, as he clenches his left hand and twists his delicate body in a futile attempt to lessen the burning under his skin, as well as the throbbing in his heart.

It doesn’t work. It never works, so why is he repeating the same thing over and over again to arrive at the same fucking place every goddamn time with the same resolution swirling in his mind yet never to be upheld? 

Because it’s his escape.

And he’s addicted. 

He can’t stop. No matter how hard he tries to ignore the pull, no matter how hard he tries to block out the voices in his head, he gives in, every time. Because he’s too weak. Too weak to stand up for himself, his heart, and his sanity. The feeling sickens him, that he’s weak, that he’s worthless, that he’s incapable to receive one of the most beautiful things in the world, as does the person who made him this way in the first place, but it’s not an excuse to drain his life, literally. 

_But he did stop. That’s the important thing. He stopped before it’s too late, and he won’t do it again. Never again._

Baekhyun digs the heel of his palm to his forehead, panting heavily as he repeats the familiar words over and over in his mind. They provide him a fleeting relief as always, but the guilt doesn’t lessen. It never does. It eats away at his mind whenever he’s presented a smile from either his friends, or his family or his fans or even people he’s never seen before in the company, because he knows all of them are genuine. They genuinely care for him, care for his wellbeing, his health, his happiness, and he’s betraying them.

He’s betraying the only people in his life that actually care for him by wasting his life because of a person who could care less if he’d died in a pool of his own blood.

Yes, he won’t do this again. He’ll be strong for the people who love him.

“Bambi!”

The ravenet flinches at the loud voice and also the embarrassing pet name, and hastily gets up, almost falling on the slippery floor in his haste to reach the door and to tightly hold the knob instinctively, even though the voice came from downstairs. He should seriously get someone to fix the door, anyone can walk in for Gods’ sake. But of course, his grandmother lives alone so there’s really no need, save for times like these.

“Y-yes, gran?” He winces as his voice comes out raspy, and swallows a bit forcefully to wet the uncomfortable dryness in his mouth. 

“Come down hon, dinner’s ready!”

“Uh,” Baekhyun pauses looking around the bathroom. He feels the familiar panic settle in as he takes in the state of the once clean tiles and towels. “I’ll be there in a minute, gran!”

“Okay, don’t take too long, I’m not heating up anything if these get cold.”

His grandmother’s voice trails off, and he releases a heavy breath he hadn’t known he was holding as he mutters an inaudible _Okay._

Moving away from the door, Baekhyun starts to clean up the bathroom without delay, tears prickling at his eyes noticing the sheer amount of his life force, washing down the drain. The color stands out drastically against the creamy tiles and his stomach revolts harshly, bile rising up his throat when he realizes that this is a part of him that lay useless on the floor. It’s a part of him that he forced out in his desperate yet elated haze, and it’s not pain nor worthlessness, but his life that swirls on the floor in intricate designs before disappearing forever.

And he can’t ever get it back. That part of life, that sacrificed itself to his misconceived resolve, to his demons, it’s gone from him forever. Baekhyun closes his prickling eyes shut, remembering how many pieces of him have been forced out grudgingly.

But he won’t do it again. He won’t let himself suffer anymore. He’ll live.

He only hopes that he could keep his promise this time.

 

 

Baekhyun swiftly climbs down the stairs, the sweet aroma of his grandmother’s cooking hitting his nose. 

It doesn’t calm him down or remind him of happy childhood memories in this very house as it should’ve. Rather, it spikes his heart with the guilt once more, causing him to unconsciously drag down the long sleeves of his new shirt, nearly covering his fingers. The image of his bedside table flashes before his eyes, taunting him with the knowledge of the object lying inside the top drawer, but Baekhyun shakes his head ridding his head of all worries and crosses the archway, his eyes settled on the old lady who places him under a stern look as soon as he enters the kitchen.

“What took you so long? I called for you more than ten minutes ago.” She eyes him questioningly, studying his face as he sits down at the table, and Baekhyun has to fight the impulse to gulp down in nervousness.

“I was cleaning the bathroom, gran. And, my clothes got wet so, took a quick shower.” Baekhyun grins sweetly gesturing to his fresh clothes and his damp hair.

“Why? It was spotless. I cleaned it before you came.” The old lass exclaims confusedly, and Baekhyun smiles uneasily.

“You need to get your eyesight checked gran.”

“Hmm, I guess.” Baekhyun’s grandmother hums distractedly as she checks on a pot on the stove. 

“You said you weren’t gonna heat up dinner if it got cold.” Baekhyun chuckles amusedly watching his grandmother pour steaming hot stew onto a bowl. 

“What do you take me for, huh? I’m not heartless, you brat.” She rolls her eyes as she places the bowl in front of him before pouring some for herself and sitting down across from him. Baekhyun watches her hands running across the table to grip a spoon, long and wrinkled with age but still as nimble as he remembers. “Besides, I can’t let my favorite grandson starve even if he didn’t bring his little girlfriend with him.”

“Oh, gran,” Baekhyun whines, rolling his eyes in fond exasperation. He swirls the stew and hold up a spoonful of his grandmother’s special, even though he had lost his appetite the minute he set foot in the house. “I told you she couldn’t have made it. She’s too busy.”

“Mhm, she was busy the last three times too.” His grandmother coils her lips inward, giving a nonchalant shrug.

“Yeah, she was.” Baekhyun drawls, squinting his eyes. “Look, gran, I know you don’t like her, but she’s a good girl. She loves me and takes care of me, and even though this was arranged by the company, we really do care for each other. And she really wants to get into your good books, so give her a chance. Please?”

“I did. I gave her four. And she failed every time. What good is a girlfriend when she can’t even take just one day off for her boyfriend?” His grandmother enunciates her statement by pointing her spoon at her grandson who opens his mouth retaliate but one hard look from the old lady has Baekhyun lowering his gaze like a reprimanded puppy. “A relationship is a two-way street Baekhyun, both of you should be making sacrifices, not only one. Both of you should contribute and commit equally, otherwise it can’t work because there’s no balance. None of you is higher or lower than the other, you should be the same.”

“What do you mean?”

“Equals, Bambi, equals. That’s what a relationship is. You’re one.” His grandmother takes Baekhyun’s hands into hers, keeping them separate but as she continues, she brings them together, enclosing them in her wrinkled ones. “You’re two different people but at the same time, you’re the same. And together, you’re whole.”

“Gran, I get what you’re saying, but Taeyeon and I-”

“Do you feel it Bambi?” The old lass brings his hands up, still covered by hers, their elbows resting on the table as she looks straight into his eyes. Baekhyun tries not to wince at the sudden prick of pain travelling up his arm. “Do you feel it when you’re with her? Like she’s a piece of you? Like she makes you complete? Like she filled a hole in your life, in your heart that you never realized was there before?”

Yes, he has felt it. 

The sense of completion and perfection. As if he was wandering in a scorching desert his whole life, and finally found his oasis. As if he was born a wingless angel, cast aside by his own kind, and finally grew wings. As if he was drowning, the harsh waters suffocating him over and over again, thrown around to each and every direction, and finally found shore. As if he had lived his whole life missing a half of him, his soul, and finally became complete.

Yes, he has felt it. But not with her. Never with her.

And Baekhyun knows he’ll never feel it again. No one can make him feel like that ever. Not like _he_ did. He’s convinced that he’s destined to live the rest of his life incomplete and imperfect and loveless because the only person who can make him feel otherwise isn’t his. _He_ never was.

“Yes, gran.” Baekhyun utters softly, a small smile tugging at his lips, a smile; a barrier, just to keep the tears from falling. “Yes, I love her.”

His grandmother smiles; dolefully and knowingly. 

“But you’re not in love with her, are you?” Baekhyun’s eyes widen at the confident tone of his grandmother, it’s as if she’d known it all along. “You can’t be.”

“Gran- H-how-”

“It’s your eyes.” His grandmother answers the question he hadn’t even voiced, and Baekhyun stares at her smiling face with his gleaming eyes, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I remember them lighting up whenever you talked about finding love. Like, stars exploding. You were so happy and excited because I knew what love meant for you. How obsessed you were at finding it. I blame your parents for that.”

A smile tugs at Baekhyun’s lips at the memories. 

His grandparents had taken Baekhyun under their wing because of his parents’ constant fighting resulted by being stuck in a loveless marriage for so long. His grandmother was one of the two people who were closest to Baekhyun out of his entire family, the other being his mother; and Baekhyun considered his grandmother a second mother with how well they got along. His grandfather was a bit stern but as loving as his wife nonetheless, but Baekhyun preferred his grandmother, probably because she was as passionate about love as Baekhyun.

The cheerful old lady was one of the main reasons Baekhyun was so obsessed about finding true love, she had spurred him on with countless stories of her youth of how she met her true love, the struggles they went through to finally emerge as one, how happy and dedicated they were to each other, and Baekhyun had often found himself wondering why the relationship of his parents couldn’t be as beautiful as that.

He remembers how he passionately rambled on about finding his true love like his grandparents did, and while his grandfather scoffed lightheartedly, never taking his eyes off his precious newspaper which he never seemed to finish reading, his grandmother had listened intently, as if she could see her younger self in her favorite grandson. 

Even though countless years had passed after their marriage, Baekhyun, despite his young age, could see the love between his grandparents were still as new and raw as he first remembered seeing. The playful jabs, the lingering touches and glances with eyes full of love, the sickeningly sweet pet names, all of them had Baekhyun thinking if these two were still teenagers on their first date. He yearned for a love such as that; where he never would’ve run out of love or fall out of love. Living every day of the rest of his life as the first. _An endless honeymoon;_ he chuckles at his choice of words from years ago. 

A time that feels like a distant dream now. Fairytale expectations of a desperate child. Hopeful fantasies of a pathetic heart. Encouraging inspirations of a timeworn romance.

People change for two main reasons. Either their minds have been opened or their hearts have been broken. For Baekhyun, it was both.

It’s pathetic how such a small thing could make such immense impact on one’s life, both positively and negatively. Once giving hope and aspiration, spurring on the dreams and encouraging to make them come true. Then the same thing taking all of them away in the twinkling of an eye, shattering the dreams into millions of pieces, crushing the hope, and a soul once full of life turned to a perfect porcelain doll. Unfeeling and unemotional.

Love wasn’t true. It only darkens the mind and shatters the heart, destroying lives beyond repair, leaving only a hollow shell in its wake. Vulnerable and powerless, incapable of feeling. Empty never to be satiated again. 

If only twelve year old Baekhyun knew the truth of love he was inevitable to experience at the hands of the man who he had desperately thought was his true love. His soulmate.

“That light isn’t there anymore.” Baekhyun snaps out of his trance at his grandmother’s soft voice, trembling with emotion. Trying hard to steel his expression, he meets her inquisitive gaze, her eyes glazed over from broken hopes. “Where’s the boy that ranted to me about never stopping before finding his true love? Where’s the boy who looked as if he was already in love talking about love? Where’s he Bambi? What’s he doing with a girl he doesn’t love? What happened to him?”

Baekhyun smiles. 

“He grew up.”

 

 

 

Hearts break, yes. Sometimes Baekhyun wishes it would be better if he died when his heart broke. But he didn’t. And that hurts more than dying all over, again and again, every minute of every day, because even fate is against him, even fate doesn’t love him enough to save him from his suffering.

Is this the price he has to pay for loving? For loving with every fiber of his being, every beat of his heart and every bit of his soul? Is this the price he has to pay for loving someone more than they deserved? Seems so, because Baekhyun certainly got hurt more than he deserved. He should’ve known, he should’ve taken the fucking hint that he wasn’t wanted. That he wasn’t loved back. That even if he found his true love, Park Chanyeol never found his true love in Byun Baekhyun.

He should’ve let _him_ go. From his heart and his life. He should’ve stopped the moment he was put under that remorseless stare three years ago. Because the pain he felt that day, when he looked into the eyes of the one he loved, he had no words to describe it, still doesn’t. The only thought he remembered from the hurricane of emotions that day was, there was no use for his life to go on if his love turned its back to him. He should’ve let go when he felt the very first jab of pain. But he didn’t. He held on. With all his might he held on. He held onto someone who didn’t want him to stay. 

Baekhyun held onto someone who looks beyond happy with someone who isn’t him holding onto his arm.

Baekhyun tries, for his sake he tries. But he can’t stop himself in his drunken haze from gazing over to where Chanyeol is, talking amicably with some of their seniors, with his girlfriend attached to him like she’s a part of him, laughing along to every joke being made. They’re at a reasonable distance in the great hall for Baekhyun to see exactly what they’re doing and his gaze falls onto Chanyeol’s hand, fingers tightly entwined with Sandara’s, and he watches in disgust how those long fingers find their way back into hers when they’re made to separate for even a minute.

As if they’re two puzzle pieces that cannot survive without each other.

Baekhyun gulps down the bile in his throat and the last of his whiskey; its taste barely leaving him wincing by now, and wrenches his traitorous eyes away from the happy couple, surveying his surroundings with his nose scrunching in disgust. 

Being an idol has its perks, yes, and while the majority of those idols would vote in favor of an all night after party in one of the most renowned clubs being a perk, sane Baekhyun will undoubtedly vote against it. He’s had his fair share of crazy parties and drunken dances for three whole years and some before that to miss just one party among those hundreds. But being in a group of eleven party-loving, energetic boys has its perks too it seems because they’ve seen Baekhyun’s _I’m sick_ act enough to know if he’s faking or not.

But it’s not that bad, Baekhyun had realized when he had spotted the bar. It could provide a great distraction after weeks of his internal brooding over the loss of alcohol, and a perfect excuse to have a drink to drown all his sorrows, despite the objections of his alleged best friend.

Baekhyun doesn’t know how it happened, but one day he had woken up with a pounding headache and half a dozen soju bottles littering his; former Jongdae’s, bed. Apparently, he had gotten home already drunk, a pack of soju in hand and had locked himself in his and Minseok’s room oblivious to all the threatening of the others that they’ll break the door down or call Minwoo hyung, and had finished every bottle down to the last drop. And quite embarrassingly, he had cried when he had realized that he had run out of alcohol. 

It had been both a curse and a blessing these past few months that he couldn’t remember anything the night before waking up from a drunken stupor. Only bits and pieces returned, but only if they were triggered by the same words he heard or the same actions he did the night before. Only the members knew of course, but none of them could stop it; he didn’t let them in fact. And it didn’t affect the group’s schedules in any way; Baekhyun was too smart for that, he would always wait for a free day to come up and would drink himself into unconsciousness the night before.

He had been sober for three years. He wasn’t keen on repeating the mistake he had done during his trainee period. Consuming alcohol underage wouldn’t have been the best decision he made but he would’ve gotten away with it; since he did it discreetly despite knowing it was a crime, if it weren’t for the leaked photos. Still, the photos wouldn’t have looked that bad, if they weren’t featuring him drunk out of his mind _and_ smoking. Hence, Baekhyun was extra careful even in his current drunk hazes to avoid being noticed doing anything scandalous, by people he shouldn’t be noticed by. 

It’s remarkable how both instances of drunken frenzy had been triggered by the actions of the same person. The most recent, yet to be ceased.

Baekhyun gestures the bartender to refill his empty glass, munching on a slice of lime from a full glass yet to be collected by whoever ordered it. The bartender eyes him irritated as he replaces the slice of lime Baekhyun’s sucking on quite jovially despite the sour taste, with another, and slides the glass away from his reach making him pout, but instantly lights up as he sees his glass being filled yet again. 

However, before he can even lift it to his lips, a hand shoots out from his side and yanks it away from his trembling fingers almost spilling the whole thing on his shirt. Baekhyun is about to turn around and curse quite colorfully when Luhan takes the seat to his left side.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” The honey blond mutters with an exasperated tone as Baekhyun takes his glass back and downs it in one go. The annoying music is too loud but the bar is a considerable distance away from the huge dance floor, hence Luhan doesn’t need to raise his voice more than he normally does for his words to reach Baekhyun.

“Nah, not seeing doubles yet.” Baekhyun grins as he once again raises his hand to call over the bartender, but his hand doesn’t even rise to the full height before the burly man is there refilling his glass. Baekhyun sends him a flying kiss and starts twisting his tongue inside the glass, the delicate flesh stinging from the bitter liquid.

“You will soon if you don’t stop. And stop doing that, it’s disgusting.” Luhan scrunches up his nose, looking away in disgust from Baekhyun’s tongue. Baekhyun grins evilly.

“Would you prefer I did this then?” The ravenet once again downs the whole glass, coughing when the liquid hits his abused throat. He realizes it must be raw and red by now but that doesn’t stop his hand from rising again. Yet it again stops midway before reaching its full height as it’s yanked down by a frustrated Luhan.

“You fucker, listen to me.” Luhan grunts as Baekhyun struggles weakly against his hold, trying to twist away his hand, but stops and pouts when he realizes it’s no use, since Luhan’s too strong for his weak drunken self. “Look, I know you want us to leave you be but-”

“Exactly, so no need for further discussions, let’s have a drink sha-”

“But I’m gonna keep talking anyway!” Baekhyun huffs and rolls his eyes at Luhan’s persistence. The honey blond’s eyes soften as he gazes at Baekhyun’s dilated ones, but the ravenet breaks the gaze and turns so that he’s facing away from Luhan, his elbows resting on the counter. “I can’t just sit by and watch while you waste your life away, drinking and coming home late and just, being who you’re not. Because this is _not_ who you are, Baekhyun. This is- Fuck, I don’t know, but you’re my friend. You’re my friend and I- no _we_ need our old Baekhyun back.”

“This _is_ me, Luhannie, I didn’t change. Sure some new quirks here and there but it’s fine. This is just temporary till I forget.”

He doesn’t even know why he drinks anymore, because the pain never fully disappears. With every sip he consumes, a sliver of pain washes away, leaving only a puppet who isn’t in his right mind, saying things sane Baekhyun would never say. He becomes the person he always hated to become, a hollow shell, emotionless except for hate, for everyone. His friends, family, _him,_ and himself. He becomes weightless; but only until the alcohol wears away. When the effect passes the pain returns, as deep as it had always been. But he enjoys the time, free of suffering and just enjoying life, even if it’s for a few hours.

“Baek,” Luhan whispers softly, his voice breaking as he exhales shakily. “I’m sorry I have to tell you this but, this won’t make you forget. This is just making it worse. Not just for you, for all of us. You have to let it out. You can’t keep it all inside you, it’s gonna kill you. Just, cry, scream, punch it out, anything, anything but this. It’s the only way you can heal.”

“What if I don’t want to heal?” His fingers tapping a rhythm on the counter, Baekhyun deadpans, his tone so cold and unemotional. He can see from his peripheral vision, Luhan stunned into silence, his mouth hung open and his eyes blinking so fast as if to erase from his mind the pitiful image of his friend. But he recovers soon enough and sighs a heavy shaky breath.

“Ask yourself this.” Luhan softly speaks up making Baekhyun turn his head towards him. The honey blond flashes him a small smile, the same smile he’s been getting for seven long months, as if he’s the most unfortunate living being on this Earth, and Baekhyun despises it. He despises himself for being subjected to the pity and sympathy he once abhorred to have lived with. “Would Chanyeol want this for you?”

Baekhyun’s fingers halt on the counter, the last tap echoing in his ears as if a bomb exploded inside a cave. The sheer absurdity, the sheer ridiculousness of the words he just heard sends his mind reeling, and desperately trying to grasp even a thread of his sanity, he laughs.

The hysterical laugh rings loud and clear across the bar area over the thumping bass and the music, attracting the annoyed looks of several people; mostly idols, disrupted from their drinking in peace. Clutching his stomach, he laughs until there’re tears in his eyes and his throat is sore as ever, heaving loud breaths to fill in empty void in his overused lungs. He laughs, mind blank save for _that look,_ so deceiving, so easily worn on a face and just as easily fallen for.

Through his intoxicated haze, Baekhyun spots the alarmed yet anxious look in Luhan’s face which makes his laughing fit die down in the slightest. It halts to a complete stop, and all signs of jest escape from his expression when Baekhyun notices the subject of all his worries. 

Grinning, Baekhyun swings his arm over a fretful Luhan’s shoulder and turns him around on the high stool, ignoring how the honey blond tenses up.

“Look,” The ravenet quips, jerking his head slightly at the couple that looks as if they’re on a date right now, laughing and joking around, and notices Luhan’s eyes harden and jaw clench. “Is that the look of a man who would even care if I drank myself to death, Luhan?”

“Baekhyun, listen to me.” Luhan mutters softly, as if talking to a little child. “Just because Chanyeol couldn’t love you doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. Okay? Because it’s obvious as fuck that he does. I can see it. We all can. He’s not that subtle as he thinks he is.”

“Jesus, then you’re all blind.” Baekhyun grimaces, rolling his eyes. He doesn’t notice the livid look on Luhan’s face until the older boy is grabbing him by his shoulders and shaking him for all he’s worth.

“No, _you’re_ the who’s blind, Baekhyun! You’re blind to everything around you because you’re only stuck on the bad things he did to you! Fine, he’s not gay and he can’t love you the way you love him, but that’s not an excuse to shut yourself off from your friends and make us watch while you try to kill yourself like this! It’s not worth it!” Luhan’s voice cracks. Baekhyun watches, his heart as cold as it had been since that night, as the older boy inhales a shaky breath, blinking to clear his eyes from the fall of tears that had started to stain his cheeks halfway through his rant, and Baekhyun desperately wants the next morning to come so that the wretched look on Luhan’s face and the painful words are erased from his memory forever.

“ _He’s_ not worth it, Baek, just please, come back.”

In times like these, Baekhyun desperately wishes he hadn’t flown all the way back home from Japan that night on a childish impulse and revealed his pathetic self to every one of his friends, including _him._ The only things he achieved on that night were a loveless relationship, a frozen heart and an overwhelming dose of pity every single day. Things he could’ve lived well off without.

Oh how much he wants to turn back time.

But even if he did, won’t he arrive at the same place? Won’t he be almost drunk out of mind in the same club on this same night with Luhan at his side, telling him the same words and pleads he’s heard just moments ago? Even if Baekhyun turned back time, he’ll never be loved. Not by Chanyeol, not by Taeyeon, not by anyone. 

How pathetic is it that he inevitably succumbed to the dreaded curse of his family? No matter how much he tried to break it, break the cycle, he was next. Starting from his parents, continuing to his brother, lastly, he was to accept it. He was to accept his preordained fate. No amount of childish dreams or fantasized hopes could prevent it. His destiny.

His destiny of living his life without love.

But he did it though. He did find love. As his brother did, and as his parents did before him, Baekhyun found love. But he didn’t deserve it. He was too weak and worthless to deserve it. Deserve _him._ Maybe that’s the real curse. To live the rest of his life knowing that he’s not enough. He never was, and never will be.

“Let him go, Baek. You’ve suffered enough.” Baekhyun snaps out of trance at Luhan’s soft voice. Taking Baekhyun’s hands into his, the honey blond gazes into his eyes with so much desperation, so much hopefulness, that Baekhyun momentarily wonders why his so-called friends are this keen on _bringing the old Baekhyun back_ as they’ve put it. It’s not as if there’s anything worthy about him, for anyone. “Don’t you think he’s suffering too? Knowing that he’s the reason you’re like this? Just imagine how it must make him feel, Baek. He didn’t mean any of this to happen, right? Look, I know you two had your differences in the past but Chanyeol could’ve never played with you like that. It’s not the person he is. And this is making things hard for him too.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault now. Right, okay, good to know.” Baekhyun scoffs.

“That’s not what I meant. Baek, you love him, don’t you?” Luhan calmly utters, but doesn’t wait for Baekhyun’s reply. “If you love him, don’t you wanna see him happy? Even if it’s not with you, don’t you want him to be happy with someone he loves? That’s what love is, Baek. Making the one you love happy. So, let him go. Let him go and let him be happy with Sandara. Let him go so you can move on.”

Baekhyun smiles.

“I let him go a long time ago.”

 

 

Why can’t people just mind their own business and leave him alone? Why is it any concern of theirs how he lives his life? It’s _his_ life, he’s the one living it, so he’ll be responsible to anything he does, be it good or bad. If he doesn’t have any problem with how he’s living, why should anyone else? 

Baekhyun huffs irritated, his head swimming, as he gazes at his reflection in the cracked mirror in the bathroom. His eyes red rimmed, dark bags under them, too heavy even for his thick eye makeup to cover, skin ashen and sickly, lips coarse and chapped, Baekhyun wouldn’t be surprised if they’d bled soon. His exposed collarbones in his skimpy silk shirt protrude sharply, the juts unhealthily visible. He watches as the suspiciously perfect vertical crack separates his face in two in the mirror, two sides of his soul, the good and the evil. 

Maybe he had too much to drink tonight because he sees clear as day, the corner of the lip of one side of his face in the mirror quirk up in a cocky smirk, and the eye on that side squints in mischief. 

Maybe he _should_ quit drinking.

Baekhyun splashes a handful of water on his face, blushing from the intoxication, and pants heavily, gripping the edge of the sink. Closing his eyes, he leans forward, placing his forehead on the mirror, the cool glass sending shivers down his body. The music and the bass are faintly audible in the bathroom, and though the music is quite familiar; probably one of their own songs, it doesn’t snatch Baekhyun’s attention in the slightest. He’s got far more important things attacking his mind at the moment.

He wonders how easy it would be to just forget. To turn a blind eye to his love. To not be affected when his love is with another who’s not him. He wants his love to be happy, yes, but would he be able to bear it? Could his heart bear it? Would he be happy if his love was happy?

_Happy._

All Baekhyun ever wanted was to be happy. Ever since he was a child, he yearned for that certain happiness he could only get when he were to be in love. He remembers his grandmother describing how it felt for her, but he could never quite comprehend it. And the exciting thing was, he had to wait until he met his true love to experience it. The anticipation, the expectation is what kept Baekhyun going, until he did find his true love. But the one thing he _could_ comprehend was _‘Sacrifice’._

 _”You’ll be happy when you’re in love, but, when you really care about someone, when you really_ love _someone, their happiness matters much more than yours does. But don’t worry, you’ll find your happiness in theirs.”_

Baekhyun did sacrifice for love. He sacrificed his heart, his sanity, his dignity; he sacrificed so much, so fucking much now he’s tired because there’s nothing left to sacrifice, save for his life. And happiness? He can’t even remember a time he felt happiness. But he wants to be happy, he just wants these heavy weights depressing down his life to disappear, for once in his life. He wants to feel weightless for once. Not for a measly few hours, for real.

_You’ll find your happiness in theirs._

What a load of bullshit.

Baekhyun leans away from the mirror, surveying his reflection. He pouts when he realizes it’s not wrecked enough. His hair is still as elegant as the stylist fashioned it earlier in the evening. His eye makeup is still roughly intact, only smeared around the edges. His clothes aren’t messy enough, still stylishly composed, though he has no idea where his coat is.

He clearly hadn’t had enough to drink tonight.

Ruffling his hair, causing it to fall in waves over his forehead, Baekhyun moves away from the mirror and starts walking towards the door, his mouth watering at the thought of the taste of his favorite brand of whiskey on his tongue again. This is an all-night party after all. Luhan be damned.

Baekhyun turns the knob, about to pull it open, but for reasons unknown to him, he stops. 

 

 

 

Baekhyun finally gives up.

After a month trying to remember what he forgot that night, he finally stops. He doesn’t normally bother this much for a forgotten night, he just figures if it’s forgotten, he’s ought to let it be that way. He’s never tried more than he does to remember; ignorance is bliss, but accepted the snippets that did come back. But that night, something happened that night. But he can’t remember.

He couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling the next morning that he should be remembering something very important, something that could change everything. He had desperately thought that it was the conversation between him and Luhan, of what the older boy eagerly reminded him later that day.

“You told me to make you remember this. I thought you were a lost cause but then you ran up to me and practically screamed at me to not let you forget this.”

He was to let Chanyeol go if he wanted him to be happy.

He’d be lying if he said that he hadn’t thought about doing the exact same thing for months now. Despite the demons that take over his mind when he’s drunk, Baekhyun is quite sensible during the day. He knew the only way he can move on and heal is to forgive and forget, to let Chanyeol go. If he wants to be happy, like he always wanted, he was to let Chanyeol be happy.

_”That’s what love is, Baek. Making the one you love happy.”_

But this wasn’t what Baekhyun wanted to remember. Although it was beyond vital, it didn’t give him the groundbreaking jolt he had been waiting for. Something else happened that night. And fortunately or unfortunately, Baekhyun had to be one of those people who forgot everything of their drinking nights. Sometimes Baekhyun hates himself.

The ravenet looks over himself in the mirror. A month away from alcohol had done wonders to his body. The dark bags under his eyes are gone, lips plump and rosy, his face is full and chubby, so is his body, the bony figure filled in; mostly because of Kyungsoo’s food, his curves shaped perfectly. The cocky smirk is replaced by the soft smile he’s always had and the annoying tremors in his hands are gone.

He looks like the old Byun Baekhyun.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. But the members were always there for him. They didn’t let him out of their sight, from the minute Baekhyun let Luhan reveal to them that he wants to change, to come back. It was very hard to not break down at the sight of pure relief and joy on his friends’ faces, and he finds himself thinking, when he was wasting his life away during these past seven months, he wasn’t the only one suffering. He was hurting his friends, his family too. 

The guilt was immense, but he wasn’t alone on that. His friends were also guilty at not doing anything to help their friend for seven months but Baekhyun was having none of it. It had been his decision that he was never to be bothered in his _healing time_ as he called it, before he started his drinking spree. He wanted to be alone, and he expected them to accept that. But now, they never let him be alone, and he doesn’t want to be either, not anymore.

Tugging the woolen coat tighter around himself, Baekhyun ambles out of his and Minseok’s room, sashaying gracefully to the classical music playing on the stereo. He spots most of the members in their usual spots in the living room, their schedules cleared for the day, and waiting for the others to come home so that they can have dinner together. The sweet aroma of Kyungsoo’s cooking reaches Baekhyun, and he takes in a long breath relishing the smell and pouting in regret that he’s going to miss it.

“Whoa, hey, where do you think you’re going?” Joonmyun marches up to him, concern evident in his face. Baekhyun sighs. It’s going to take a long time for his friends’ worries about him to disappear.

“I got a date with Taeyeon. I told you, remember?”

“So you’re not coming home for dinner? Hyung,” Jongin whines from the kitchen. “Soo’s making pot roast. You’re gonna miss it?”

“Get off the fucking counter, idiot.” A whacking noise is heard, and Jongin lets out a yelp, soon after Kyungsoo’s head pops out from the archway to the kitchen. “Don’t worry, Baek, I’ll save your share.”

“Yeah, good luck with that.” Baekhyun chuckles looking around the members, taking in their ravenous eyes, directed at the kitchen. “Hey, where’s Chanyeol? He doesn’t have anything on his schedule tonight, right?”

“Ask Soo, he’s one who’s all chummy-chummy with him.” Jongdae scoffs sardonically and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. No matter how much he explains, some of the guys can’t just accept it.

He’s lost count of the amount of times he had explained really, that he’s let go of Chanyeol and that he’s moved on, also that he’s happy for Chanyeol as long he’s happy with Sandara and that he forgave Chanyeol. Because he did, as unbelievable as it is, Baekhyun forgave. Luhan’s words made a huge impact on him and he’d found himself doing something he’d never thought he’ll do; being happy. Seeing the joyful and relieved look on Chanyeol’s face; even though he seldom showed it, merely knowing that his actions brought that look to his face was enough for Baekhyun to sleep at night with a light heart.

Baekhyun had pleaded Kyungsoo the day his and Taeyeon’s relationship was made public, to take care of Chanyeol, to not let him feel alone in his home, because he knew it was inevitable that the boys would treat him different, seeing as they now knew he had played with Baekhyun’s heart. They didn’t take too long to realize what had happened right under their noses for two years, and despite Baekhyun’s protests most of them didn’t forgive him. Baekhyun seriously regretted flying back to Korea that night and revealing himself.

“I’m sorry Baek, he went out about an hour ago” Kyungsoo comes out of the kitchen wiping his hands on his pink apron, followed by Jongin, who leans down and kisses Kyungsoo smack on the lips before plopping down on Sehun. “He didn’t tell me where, couldn’t get it out of him.”

“It’s ok, save some pot roast for him if he gets home late, alright? And Sehun, I mean it, don’t you even touch his share this time.” Baekhyun warns the maknae when he chuckles evilly, eying the rest of the members with his warning look. “Okay, I’m off, see you guys later.”

“Baek,” Joonmyun grabs his hand before Baekhyun could turn around, with a pleading look. “Baek, plea-”

Baekhyun smiles.

“Don’t worry hyung, I’ve been sober for a month, not gonna relapse now.”

 

 

The park is quiet, too quiet for a Saturday night, but Baekhyun doesn’t complain. It means more privacy for him and his girlfriend. 

Baekhyun strolls leisurely among the cherry blossom trees, shivering slightly in the early summer evening. A fresh cool gust of wind replaces the heat of the day as night falls, and Baekhyun smiles, feeling the chill on his face. Even at night the warmth doesn’t disappear, but it’s the comfortable type of warmth that’s mixed in with a light touch of chillness, the kind that Baekhyun loves to fall asleep in with only an oversized shirt and a pair of boxers and without any covers enveloping him.

The full moon and the lampposts light up his path as he watches his shadow move elegantly with every ray of light while he walks. It’s amusing, how lost it seems bending to every beam of light, no will of its own. How lost it seems just as its owner was not too long ago, following blindly the voices in his head, his demons to his ultimate ruin, his fall. He had thought he was living, that he was happy, his worries forgotten and pain vanished, but in truth they were leading him away from what really mattered.

Love.

Love for his family, for his friends, for his life and for his love.

He loved too much, with every fiber of his being he loved. That’s who Baekhyun is. When he does something, he doesn’t do it halfheartedly. He gives it the best he can give and some more. He gives and gives and gives, until he can’t give anymore; until there’s nothing left to give. With love it was the same. He loved Chanyeol with all his heart, more than he could handle, but that’s all he did. He gave, but he never received. And when he realized that everything he did had been for naught, it didn’t take too long for his love to turn to hate.

After all, there’s a very thin line between love and hate.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t hate. That’s not the person he is. But he became that person when his demons took over. Perhaps Baekhyun loved it, perhaps he loved the feeling of weightlessness when he surrendered to the alcohol, the feeling that he could do anything and say anything and there’ll be nothing to stop him. Perhaps he loved it too much that he got addicted. That was his biggest mistake.

But every dark cloud has a silver lining it seems. Just when he had thought he was doomed Luhan appeared as his silver lining. Though his drunken mind couldn’t accept it, everything Luhan said that night shed light on his dark world. Every word pulled him up from the pit he had buried himself in. Luhan, his friend, saved his life that night. 

Perhaps Baekhyun was just waiting for someone to reach out. Because he knew everything Luhan had told him, it wasn’t news to him. He had thought about it day and night for seven months but he was scared. He didn’t know why but he was scared to reach for help. But his friends answered that for him. It wasn’t his turn to give, it was theirs.

And give they did. They gave him love, warmth, and they gave him time. Time to heal and time to return as his old self. 

Reaching near the bench they’re supposed to meet, Baekhyun stops. He purposely arrived early not for what Joonmyun was nervous about, rather to fulfill a childish wish. To catch a falling cherry blossom before the season ends.

Every now and then the strong gust of wind took with it a few flowers, too weak to hold onto the tree, and sent them down. They danced with the wind, twirling around gracefully before landing on the ground, done serving its purpose of bringing beauty. Baekhyun had always been fascinated about the grace of a falling cherry blossom, how elegant it looked even as it left its tree, its home it had beautified for as long as it could; leaving for another to eventually take its place.

Somewhat like him. He held on as long as he could, but eventually had to give up. But he did so with contentment. Contentment that even if it’s not with him, Chanyeol could find his true love. That’s all that matters.

But even if he gave up on love doesn’t mean he fell out of love with Chanyeol, because he certainly didn’t. He still loves him, as fervently as he did for three years, as passionately as he did when he first set eyes on his first love. His heart breaks to a million pieces even at the mere thought of Chanyeol not belonging to him, but the pain doesn’t overwhelm him as it used to before, and Baekhyun still loves Chanyeol with all the pieces. 

Baekhyun runs around, giggling cheerfully, eyes following one falling blossom after another, moving in a strange dance, huffing out breaths as he tries to seize a flower before they hit the ground. He might’ve loved the wind just ten minutes ago, but now he curses it for not letting him catch even one cherry blossom, glaring at fucking air. It playfully brings them close, so close his fingers trace along the smooth petals, but just as he thinks victory is his, carries them away from his reach. _Damn his height._

Muttering curses under his breath, Baekhyun stomps his foot like a child throwing a tantrum. _Who would’ve thought catching a cherry blossom would be this much work?_ He huffs petulantly, crossing his arms across his chest. His eyes catch sight of one particular blossom, fully bloomed but swaying with the wind as if its fall is close, and sparkling majestically among the millions of others of its kind. One more try, just one more, if he can’t catch that blossom he’s done.

Baekhyun moves right under the blossom that stole his eye, rubbing his palms together in anticipation. He grins manically; after all this hard work he can finally catch a damn flower. If anyone were to see him jumping up and down like a lunatic like he’d been doing for the past ten minutes, he’s definitely in trouble. Not to mention the embarrassment. It’s a blessing he’s alone in the park.

“Baekhyun?”

With an unmanly shriek, Baekhyun whips around, curling into himself and hands raised in clenched fists to protect himself against whoever it is. But all his sane thoughts flee from his mind when he does see who it is.

“Chan-Chanyeol?”

Park Chanyeol is there, with him, in the park, looking ethereally handsome as always in his styled up dark hair, long woolen black coat and his favorite black and white scarf. Baekhyun gasps, his muscles pulling taut, his breath hitching as he struggles to swallow in his dry mouth, because three years of being in love, falling for him every single minute of every single day could not have prepared him for this. Falling in love with Park Chanyeol all over again in a lonely park, the world silent and still just for them, as they gaze into each other’s eyes, surrounded by thousands of falling cherry blossoms.

_Fucking cheesy._

Chanyeol has utmost concern and somewhat of a mesmerized expression lacing his face and it snaps Baekhyun back into reality where he got caught by Chanyeol of all people, dancing around in the park. He reddens in embarrassment when he realizes what kind of image he had sported, but he’s glad the cold and his little stunt serve as an excuse to his red face.

“Baekhyun, are-are you ok? You’re not drunk, are you?” Chanyeol sputters, eying him in worry and something so intense, shivers run down Baekhyun’s spine. The rapper takes a step forward but halts when Baekhyun bristles and takes two back.

“No! I’m not drunk, I-I quit, remember?” Baekhyun exclaims, nervously looking everywhere in the park but at the tall rapper. His hands twitch in anxiousness and slight unfamiliarity; eight months of not talking with someone can do that, it seems. “What-what’re you doing here?”

“I was on my way back, thought I’d take the park, more cover, you know?” Chanyeol grins nervously, and Baekhyun nods with a smile. “What about you? What’re you doing out here all alone?”

“Oh, I was waiting for Taeyeon, we got a date.” Baekhyun grimaces internally at how naturally it came out and also seeing the smile fall from Chanyeol’s face.

“Ah,” Chanyeol nods in understanding, twisting his lips, and Baekhyun glances around awkwardly. “But that doesn’t explain why you turned into a ballerina in the middle of the park.”

“What? I wasn’t-” Baekhyun’s ears turn red, noticing the slight teasing glint in Chanyeol’s eyes. He missed this Chanyeol. The one who cracked bad jokes and who always had a teasing remark ready on his tongue; it makes him wonder how he survived these past eight months avoiding him. Suddenly recalling what he was doing earlier, he looks up at the cherry blossom he had wanted. “I-I was just trying to catch a cherry blossom, but I wanted that one though- no wait! NO!”

Baekhyun screams, all worries about being heard vanished, as he sees the one cherry blossom he wanted finally letting go of the tree and just, fall. He curses the wind again because now, there’s not even a trace of it, and the absence of it causes the flower to simply fall, and Baekhyun, having moved away from his previous spot from right under the flower because of Chanyeol, jumps forward to catch the damn flower.

Baekhyun feels as if the world switched to slow motion.

He takes two long steps forward, hand outstretched and eyes never leaving the falling flower. Unaware of where he’s going, he stops his blind stepping when he runs into a solid black wall, but even the impact with something that shouldn’t exist in the middle of a fucking park doesn’t make him take his eyes off of the flower as he raises his hand, palm splayed and lips grinning. Yet, his triumphant grin disappears when the flower stops just inches away from his hand, just short of falling into his palm, held onto by long familiar fingers.

Chanyeol.

_And to think Baekhyun had a fleeting moment of internal chaos of how the black wall grew hands._

The ravenet ever so slowly lowers his eyes from the flower, along the long expanse of the raised hand and finally falling on the rapper’s face, unbelievably close. So close, Baekhyun can literally count his eyelashes and feel his breath on his blushing face. He’s certain he’s rivaling a tomato by now, breathing raggedly as he looks into those beautiful eyes, the brown orbs swirling with so many emotions, it’s too intense to stare at for long, but Baekhyun doesn’t dare break his gaze staring wide eyed at the love of his life.

Chanyeol doesn’t move away and neither does Baekhyun, feeling strangely intimate and cozy in Chanyeol’s presence as they stay glued to the ground and to each other, chest to chest, a thick cover of warmth enveloping their bodies. Baekhyun shivers both in nervousness and the strange feeling of déjà vu prickling his heart from a time he cherishes greatly. A beautiful blush blooms on Chanyeol’s cheeks, almost the color of his plump lips, parted slightly as he stares into Baekhyun’s eyes, the look he could never forget decorating the shining orbs.

Their intense staring breaks when Chanyeol lowers his hand, bringing the flower down and Baekhyun flinches lightly when its soft petals tickle his cheek. Chanyeol takes Baekhyun’s hand he hadn’t even realized he had lowered in his other hand, the familiar warmth sending tingles all over his body, and places the cherry blossom carefully on his palm, so carefully as if he’s handling a glass doll. Baekhyun smiles, both at the thought and also at finally holding the cherry blossom in his hand; despite he didn’t actually catch it, and looks up just in time to see a pair of plush lips in his vision and for them to be placed softly on his.

_Alive._

That’s what he feels the second he feels the weight of those lips on his. As if his life had been colorless all this time and finally found a color palette. As if all he had seen was rain and finally the dark clouds make way for the sunshine to fall. As if he’s been frozen in ice his whole life and finally been doused with fire. As if he’s complete.  


Stunned in shock, Baekhyun remains stiff, breath held and eyes wide open, but only until Chanyeol starts moving his lips ever so slowly against his unmoving ones. 

Fuck.

His eyes flutter shut at the sensation, breathing unevenly through his nose, mind blank, Baekhyun kisses back, sloppy in inexperience but Chanyeol’s there to receive them with a practiced elegance. His lips are searing hot and wet, and Baekhyun shivers from the tingles running all over his body from the sensation of his lips molding perfectly into Chanyeol’s The wet glide is everything he had dreamed it would be and more, his heart running a mile a minute. Chanyeol’s sandalwood and citrus scent invades Baekhyun’s senses, numbing them to anything other than Chanyeol, and Chanyeol only. Chanyeol’s lips, Chanyeol’s warmth, Chanyeol’s hands, and just Chanyeol. 

He jolts lightly when he feels Chanyeol’s warm palms holding his blushing face, tilting it slightly, and squeaks in surprise when the new angle deepens the kiss but it comes out as a soft moan. At the sound of it, Chanyeol yanks him impossibly closer with a hand on his lower back and starts attacking Baekhyun’s already abused lips with so much hunger and passion, Baekhyun whimpers, the ground swaying beneath his feet.

It might not have been entirely because of the intensity of the kiss but also the lightheadedness Baekhyun feels with not enough air in his lungs, and it seems he’s not alone in it as Chanyeol slowly separates their lips with a wet smack, heavy breaths following it, and Baekhyun barely stops himself from chasing those lips again. He slowly opens his eyes when he feels puffs of minty air on his face to find Chanyeol already looking at him with that fucking look, his lips red and swollen, Baekhyun wonders what his must look like. He’s still holding the cherry blossom between their bodies, his other hand gripping Chanyeol’s coat tightly.

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun blinks, shivering from how wrecked Chanyeol sounds. He doesn’t meet Baekhyun’s gaze, still panting heavily as he keeps his eyes downward.

“What-what for?” He lets out a shaky breath when Chanyeol looks up and starts caressing his cheek, his touch featherlike.

“For everything.” 

Baekhyun snaps out of his bubble then. 

He was moving on. He already let Chanyeol go. He was turning his life around. He has a girlfriend; although she’s more of a sister figure, and so does Chanyeol. He’s in love with Sandara, which is why Baekhyun let him go, to make him happy, but, why did this happen? _How_ did this happen?

“Chanyeol-” Baekhyun gulps, the severity of what they did dawning on him. Panicking, he struggles to get out of Chanyeol’s tight hold. “Chanyeol, what the fuck did we-”

He gets cut off by those lips again, moving against his in such desperation, Baekhyun’s eyes water. He melts into it effortlessly, body pliant and mind blank in overwhelming sensations. Baekhyun’s glad they’re covered by the trees, he doesn’t even need to be reminded what would happen if they were caught. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to have any concerns on anyone seeing them as he pecks Baekhyun’s lips lovingly, pulling his lower lip gently every time he moves away but returns for more as if he can’t get enough of Baekhyun’s rosy lips. Baekhyun whines at the wet sounds the action creates.

“I’m sorry angel,” Chanyeol breathes between every peck and Baekhyun whimpers at the pet name, body burning up. “I’m sorry, I just- I can explain- I swear I’ll explain if you let me, I’ll do anything if you just gave me- Fuck-”

Chanyeol curses annoyed as he breaks off their kiss and shoves his hand in his pocket, his other hand holding Baekhyun tightly. Exhausted from the whirlwind of emotions running in his head and the breathlessness all their lip-locking caused, Baekhyun slumps his weight on the taller, resting his cheek on his strong chest, and Chanyeol’s hand instinctively and effortlessly wraps around his waist, pressing him against his larger frame. Baekhyun watches with hooded eyes as Chanyeol retrieves his hand along with his phone, glaring at it when the vibrations continue. 

“What?” Chanyeol snaps holding the phone to his ear, and Baekhyun giggles at the annoyance lacing his voice, but stops immediately when he notices a necklace hanging from Chanyeol’s neck. As if in a trance, he lifts his hand to examine it, because he has never seen Chanyeol wearing necklaces. “I can’t, I’m in the middle of something, and yes, it’s more important than you-”

Chanyeol’s voice fades into nothingness when Baekhyun notices what the pendant is; a beautiful silver ring. Baekhyun bristles, the itches that annoyed him for a month returning in full force again. But that can’t be. He’s never seen this ring before, he’d know.

_“-so a necklace has to do for now."_

A sudden familiar voice fills his head, snippets of a conversation jabbing his mind, and Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows, confused as to how Chanyeol’s ring brought back flashes of memories from that night. They aren’t fully returned yet, showing up in bits and pieces, too insignificant to make sense. Still in Chanyeol’s comfortable warmth, Baekhyun closes his eyes to concentrate but they snap open not long after.

“I know! I was just a means to an end, whatever the fuck it was, but I’m done, I can’t do this anymore-”

_“-you don’t give a flying fuck about that Chanyeol kid, he’s just a means to an end.”_

Baekhyun gasps. It’s right there, just within his reach, he can almost touch it, he just needs another trigger or a whole lot of concentration, which proves to be difficult when Chanyeol’s cursing right by his ear.

“Fucking bitch.” The rapper seethes pocketing his phone. Baekhyun can feel the rapid heaving of his chest and wonders who it was that made Chanyeol this mad. Mind in chaos trying to make sense of the mysterious conversation, Baekhyun starts when a warm hand cups his cheek and moves him gently so that he’s facing Chanyeol. “Baek, I gotta go, there’s-”

“What? Wha-where? You’re just gonna leave? You-” Baekhyun stammers weakly, tears filling his eyes.

“No, God Baek, hey shh,” Chanyeol pulls him into a fierce embrace, rubbing his back to soothe him. “I’m never leaving you again, angel, I’ll stay by your side as long as you want me to, I promise. But, there’s something I gotta do before that, I’ll explain when I get back home, alright?”

“Why’re you doing this to me Chanyeol? I was moving on, I let you go so you could be happy, why-why did you come back? Just- why? I don’t understand-” Baekhyun surrenders to the tears and sobs freely into Chanyeol’s chest. “All you ever did was give me mixed signals- and I gave up because I wanted you to be happy with Sandara so I could be happy, but why’re you here with me now-”

Baekhyun’s ranting again gets cut off by Chanyeol; his lips to be exact, moving hotly against Baekhyun’s swollen ones, making him whimper at the taste of salt of his own tears. There’d been times when Baekhyun hated his short stature, but now, he thanks the lords for it. It’s strangely and at the same time effortlessly natural and intimate, how his body molds perfectly into Chanyeol’s tall frame, as if they’re two puzzle pieces. 

With a low growl, Chanyeol separates their lips, but Baekhyun doesn’t open his eyes, relishing in the warmth and affection of the one person he’d wanted for himself since as long as he could remember, as Chanyeol softly traces his lower lip with his thumb.

“Does that answer your question?” He whispers hotly.

“Not really, no.” Baekhyun breathes, still confused, and sighs when Chanyeol chuckles and pecks him again. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I know, I just wanted to kiss you again.” Smiling Chanyeol leans in again but Baekhyun looks to the side, blinking hard against the tears.

“Are you playing with me again Chanyeol?” Chanyeol’s eyes widen at Baekhyun’s broken voice.

“No, angel- I never played with you Baek, I swear. It was all a big misunderstanding, I lo-God, I wish I could explain,” Chanyeol curses under his breath, sighing dejected. “But I can’t, not now, not until I finish what I started-”

“What the hell are you talking about Chanyeol?”

“Will you wait for me, just a little longer?” Baekhyun’s breath hitches when Chanyeol takes his hands in his, cupping them and staring at him with that look, so intense and desperate, voice shaking in vulnerability. “Just a little while because I’m not leaving this time, I’m not scared anymore. I know I have no right to ask you this after everything I’ve done, but angel, will you give me a chance? Will you accept me? All of me?”

His mind goes blank.

_“-would he have proposed if he wasn’t ready to accept me, all of me?”_

Everything comes back, in tidal waves, the force so powerful he feels his knees buckle. It’s too much, the memories, they fill his head repeating the same words over and over again, his temples throbbing with an oncoming headache. He can’t concentrate, can’t hear anything Chanyeol is saying, only gazes at the man who just don’t know when to stop playing with his heart, his mind, his sanity.

“Baekhyun!”

He flinches, recoiling away from _his_ hold at the sound of his girlfriend’s voice. He watches, body fuming yet face impassive as she walks up to them with a confused expression. Baekhyun doesn’t dare glance at his side, though he can literally feel the piercing gaze, and smiles forcefully at Taeyeon as she reaches them.

“You’re early Baek. Hey, Chanyeol, what’re you doing here?” Of course, Taeyeon knows all about Baekhyun’s love life, so it’s not a surprise when she suddenly becomes overprotective of Baekhyun.

“Hey, noona, I’m sorry, I was about to leave.” He hears the slightly nervous voice speaking up, yet still doesn’t turn around, the memories haunting him too disgusting and vile to even stand the look of _his_ face. “Baek, just think about what I said ok? I swear I’ll explain when I get back.”

Baekhyun hears the footsteps walking away, but doesn’t even give a parting wave to the man who stole his first kiss, as he keeps his gaze on the ground, hands clenching inside his coat pockets. He gulps down the bile in his throat, wiping his lips harshly against his sleeve, and turns when Taeyeon holds his elbow, peering at him with a concerned look.

“What happened, Baek? What did he do?” Baekhyun laughs cheerlessly.

“Nothing worth anything.”

“Ok,” Taeyeon drawls suspiciously, eyes squinting in confusion. “As long as you’re alright.”

Baekhyun smiles.

“I’m more than alright, let’s have some fun, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reasons to fangirl
> 
> -Chanbaek's first kiss in a cherry blossom park
> 
>  
> 
> ....... that's all I guess lol
> 
>  
> 
> Tbh this was the scene that made me write this fic in the first place. It had been playing in my head for months, the cherry blossoms, CB reuniting after a fight or something & something else I'm not gonna tell y'all yet ;) & when my friend encouraged to write a CB fic... this just fit right in uk? :D  
> I wanted it to be unexpected, just completely out of the blue. I wanted to throw everyone off balance, including the two of them /evil laugh/ bcz that's what lv is right? Spontaneous & completely unplanned.:D  
> It broke my heart to do this RIGHT AFTER THEY FUCKING KISSED FOR FUCKS' SAKE JESUS T_T..... but don't worry, according to my calculations the heavy angst ends after the next chapter :D  
> Only the heavy angst, mind u ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!!
> 
> /evil laugh/

_A month ago._

 

Baekhyun turns the knob, about to pull it open, but for reasons unknown to him, he stops. 

“-not walking away from this again!” A rough voice rings loudly across the empty hallway, even though it’s not directed at him, Baekhyun bristles at the sheer rage lacing the voice.

“I _am!_ There’s nothing for us to talk about- fuck! Let me go you bastard!”

Now, Baekhyun might be drunk and slightly hallucinating but he recognizes that voice clear as day. The voice which made him stop in his tracks in the first place. 

“No, Dara, I’m done with your shit! I swear to fucking God, if you don’t stop this obsessed shit I’m gonna go to the police, I’ve had enough.” Baekhyun’s eyes widen comically as he places his ear flat against the door desperate to hear clearly. Sandara and the police shouldn’t be in a same sentence, right?

“You’re stalking me and you call _me_ obsessed? Fuck you! You made my life a living hell!” Sandara sounds absolutely livid, and Baekhyun hears some commotion going on, he figures she’s trying to break away from his hold.

“Stop acting like the fucking victim here! I made _your_ life a living hell? What about mine, huh?! You ruined mine! And I sure as hell won’t just sit by and watch you ruin theirs too.”

“Whatever you’re convinced I’m about to do,” Baekhyun shivers at the menacingly seethed out words, heart beating fast inside his ribcage as he tries to make sense of what they’re talking about. “Is none of your business, and it’s all in your head, I love him.”

“Oh please, you don’t give a flying fuck about that Chanyeol kid, he’s just a means to an end.” Baekhyun gasps. _Chanyeol._ Everything, everything he’s hearing right now is too intense for his drunken mind and he feels a pounding headache forming, trying to wrap his head around everything. “You think I don’t know what you’re up to? You’re using him to get to me. He’s just a patsy in your fucked up plan, you jealous bitch, you can’t stand the fact that I chose someone else over you.”

“Oh yeah, her. The whore you fucked behind my back-” The door rattles violently and Baekhyun chokes on a scream, covering his mouth with both hands as he desperately tries to quiet down his harsh breathing. On the other side of the door, Sandara yelps in pain and Baekhyun realizes the man had pushed her against the door.

“Don’t you talk about her like that. You’re not the half the person she is.” The man whispers darkly, but Baekhyun can clearly hear him and the threatening undertone. “This shit ends now. You’re gonna stop obsessing over me, you’re gonna let Chanyeol go and we’re never gonna see each other again, and you’re gonna have to live with that, got it?”

“Why do you care about Chanyeol so much anyway? You don’t even know him, either of them, so what do you care if I expose them?”

“Because I don’t want their blood on your hands goddammit!”

Another violent rattle is heard which jolts Baekhyun once again, followed by labored breathing, and he can feel his own breathing becoming more shallow once his hazy mind slowly realizes what they’re talking about; or at least a fraction of it. But he comprehends enough of it to realize that Sandara is definitely not what she had posed herself to be this whole time.

Baekhyun wants to scream. 

He so badly wants to scream and yell out so loud that everything he’s heard would reach Chanyeol’s ears. His tongue twitches to form words, his body quivers to regain control of his limbs so that he can run out of here straight into Chanyeol’s arms and recount to him the horrid truth he learned. The horrid truth about the girlfriend he loves. Yet he stays rooted to the ground, motionless and breathing heavily.

“Aw, you still care about me, how sweet.” Sandara’s coos in a mocking voice, and Baekhyun’s blood boil.

“I wish I didn’t.” The man sounds defeated, almost as if he’s in the middle of an internal battle with himself. “I wish I could just turn my back to everything you do but I can’t. I would if it was just me but not when you brought them inside your hellhole. I can’t let that happen. I _won’t_ let that happen.”

“Well, bummer, because you’re too late now.”

“No, not if I told him the truth. Everything about you and what a snake you are.”

“Go ahead babe, I won’t stop you. Tell him, tell him everything, but he won’t even care.”

“Yeah? What’s makes you so sure, _babe?_ ”

A long silence ensues. Baekhyun strains his ears to pick up even the slightest of voices, but other than the faint music and the dripping of water from a tap, he can’t hear anything. Yet, just as he thinks they’d left, the man speaks up, albeit softly, so softly, Baekhyun wonders if he actually did hear it.

“No, this is not real.”

“It is.” Sandara quips. “Of course, we can’t wear them on our fingers, don’t want too much attention yet, so a necklace has to do for now.”

“No, he can’t have- he- he knows-”

“Mhm, he knows.” She giggles, the mockery in her voice evident. “But that didn’t stop him from getting down on his knees and pouring out his love for me. Huh, guess he doesn’t love his little boyfriend as much as he said he did. Just think babe, would he have proposed if he weren’t ready to accept me, all of me?”

“No, you can’t do this, you gonna ruin his life, you don’t even- You can’t do this!” The man rushes out, the utmost desperation in his voice painfully apparent. “You did all this to get me back right? To make me jealous and win you back? Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll do it, I swear to God, I’ll- Just please, I beg you, don’t put him through this.”

“Well, the clock’s ticking.” Sandara hums quietly, a poor attempt at trying to hide her enthusiasm, and Baekhyun has to restrain himself from not opening the door and strangling the bitch with his bare hands, but he waits. He waits because he knows there’s more to the story and he has to hear it. But when does hear, he curses to all the Gods for letting him hear it. “I’d suggest you _do_ try to win me back before I become Mrs. Park Chanyeol.”

And just like that, Baekhyun’s world breaks down, hopefully for the last time.

 

 

 

_Present day_

“This is not what I had in mind when you said you wanted to have fun!”

“Oh come on, let loose Tae! You won’t get another chance like this, trust me!”

Baekhyun yells over the loud music in the club, drunkenly wiggling his body to the thumping bass. The putrid smell of smoke and alcohol invades his senses but he’s too far gone to care about anything other than how light his body feels. In fact, he’s too far gone to feel in general. The only thing he cares is how free and weightless he becomes with each passing minute. Devoid of emotion, devoid of empathy, devoid of pain.

Taeyeon had gotten anxious and alarmed of course, when their destination had turned out to be a club rather than the art gallery they had previously agreed upon, but Baekhyun had slyly coaxed her out of her agitated self, claiming that he had wanted a drink to calm his nerves after a rather intense confrontation with _him._ And Taeyeon knows enough about Baekhyun’s pitiful love life to not intervene when he’s looking for composure. 

Of course what the older girl doesn’t know is that Baekhyun is a recovering alcoholic; the group and their manager had done a swell job at hiding his addiction for more than seven months. Which is probably why, Baekhyun figures, Taeyeon is scared out of her wits when she had suddenly found her arms full of a hysterical Baekhyun, drunk out of his wits.

“Baek, you’ve had enough, I think it’s time to go home.” Taeyeon states two and a half hours into Baekhyun’s wild night, huffing as she deposits the heavy lump of tangled limbs on a bar stool. Said heavy lump giggles.

“Oh, Taeyeonnie, the night is still young, we got loads to do, and our date isn’t over yet.” Baekhyun marvels at how he can still talk without much of a difficulty, although a considerable amount of slurring is evident.

“No, we gotta bring this to a close, it’s late, and we both need to go home before the company finds out about this.” Baekhyun watches uninterested, eyes hooded and face flushed both from the unhealthy amount of alcohol he consumed and the frantic dancing, as Taeyeon shrugs on her coat and gathers her purse from the counter, picking up his coat and holding it so that Baekhyun can slip his arms inside. “Come on, let’s go, I’ll call Tiffany once we get outside.”

Yet, Baekhyun rolls his eyes and turns around to face the familiar bartender to whom he signals to keep the whiskey shots coming. The bulky man hesitates for a second, no doubt Taeyeon glared at him, before sighing heavily and to Baekhyun’s delight, filling his glass of the amber liquid.

“Baek, come on please,” Baekhyun groans as he hears his girlfriend plead behind him, before glaring at her when she swiftly slips into the seat beside him. He holds her shocked gaze with his hard stare and just as he figures Taeyeon’s nervousness has reached its limit, Baekhyun grins, manically. The girl inhales a shaky breath. “Baek, talk to me, I can help. Tell me what’s wrong with you. What did Chanyeol do-”

“There’s nothing!” Taeyeon flinches, nearly toppling over her stool when Baekhyun roars venomously, slamming his glass down the counter. The glass doesn’t break however, but the liquid splashes all over the counter as well as Baekhyun’s hand yet he doesn’t make any indication that it bothers him in any way as he turns his head to pin the terrified girl under a harsh stare. “There’s nothing wrong with me. And I _never_ wanna hear _his_ name again, not from you, not from anyone else, you understand me?” 

“Ok, ok I’m-I’m sorry, I-” Taeyeon mumbles out, slumping in her stool, voice trembling and eyes wide at Baekhyun’s menacingly seethed out words. 

Baekhyun smirks darkly, reveling on the compliance he receives from the power he displayed, mentally questioning his past weak self why he couldn’t summon even a fraction of control as his heart was controlled, ripped out and trampled on over and over again while he had every opportunity to prevent it. Clearly, Baekhyun wouldn’t be here, drunk out of his mind with a terrified girlfriend beside him, if he had the wits and courage to resist. To resist a measly desire, a pathetic yearning which he knew, deep down he knew, was inevitably going to be his downfall.

Eyeing the bottle the bartender picks up to refill his empty glass, Baekhyun yanks it into his hold, sending a hard look at the man which leaves no room for arguing, and pours it himself until the glass is filled to the brim before bringing it to his lips. As soon as the whiskey touches his lips, already chapped from the steady stream of harsh liquid, unwanted images from mere three hours ago flash across his mind, causing his stomach to revolt violently and bile to rise up his throat, and quite unnecessarily, his eyes to prickle painfully. Baekhyun shivers in disgust, wiping his lips vehemently, yet no matter how many times he had done it, the sensation of warm plump lips on his own never fades away.

“Baek, I- I’m gonna head out for a bit,” Taeyeon mumbles out snapping Baekhyun out of his pitiful ponderings. He places her under an inquisitive gaze which seemingly unnerves Taeyeon as her breathing becomes shallow and her bottom lip trembles. “I-I just wanna get some fresh air, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Baekhyun scoffs as Taeyeon doesn’t even wait for his nod of approval to slink out of her stool and scurry towards the main entrance, her purse in hand. He wouldn’t be surprised if she were to leave him here and to never come back. Most of the people in his life had left him when they realized he’s not up to their expectations, so why wouldn’t she? 

His father disowned Baekhyun as his son when he had shown preference towards being a singer rather than a lawyer, like his father had wanted. His brother had left home when he had found out about Baekhyun’s sexual orientation, deciding that having a homosexual brother would be a blow to his flourishing career as a CFO in a famed company. His cursed love which was never his, lied to him, lifted his hopes up beyond the limit of the skies and ran off after stealing his first kiss, and the second, and the third, all the while being crazily in love with a two-faced bitch.

So yeah, Baekhyun wouldn’t be surprised if his girlfriend left him alone in this damned club, after witnessing what a drunkard her boyfriend is.

Baekhyun thumps his head hard on the counter, now wiped clean of the spilled alcohol while he was travelling deep in his mind; a frequent occurrence whenever he was smashed, a pounding headache already scratching at his temples. A month away from alcohol had messed up his tolerance, his body barely cooperating with his mind only after half the amount of alcohol he consumed usually to become the current state he’s in. 

Yet, it doesn’t stop him as he straightens and picks up the bottle of whiskey to pour himself another glassful, hell bent on drowning as much as of his pain he can before the night ends. The sparkly glass is half full when Baekhyun feels the uncomfortable feeling of a hand tracing up his back.

“Might wanna slow down on that sweetcheeks, we still have a whole night ahead of us.”

Baekhyun stiffens instinctively, breath held and body shivering in disgust as he waits for the speaker to reveal himself. Being in the company of at least one of his friends on every one of his visits to the club, no one had approached him ever before, yet this person seems to have been waiting until he was alone to make his move, because Baekhyun recognizes him as soon as his face comes into view.

“Leave me alone Jaehwan, I don’t want your shit right now.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes in exasperation at the young boy who despite the unwelcome words thrown his way, slips in to the high stool beside him with a feline grace only Kim Jaehwan seems to possess.

Baekhyun is undoubtedly tired by now of the incessant advances of the young backup dancer, be it a flirty smirk or a flattering compliment which he never seemed to have run out of. Practices for a concert with the lot of backup dancers always had proved to be a nightmare for him since Jaehwan doesn’t know how to take ‘no’ for an answer. The young boy is completely smitten with the older vocalist and Baekhyun doesn’t know, rather he doesn’t want to know if it’s only a puppy crush or something stronger. _Another frustrating problem to add to the pile to mull over about._

“Oh, hyung, don’t be like that. I saw Taeyeon noona leave, so I thought I might keep you company.” The tall blond purrs, slowly leaning towards Baekhyun invading his personal space; a habit of his, and Baekhyun bristles and leans away.

“Thanks but no thanks. I’m fine by myself.” He grits out, eyes blinking in drowsiness, as he downs the contents of the glass, wincing when it assaults his raw throat.

“You’re completely wasted hyung, you’re not fine by yourself. Why don’t we go home huh? I’ll give you a ride.” A suggestion seemingly innocent and considerate, yet Baekhyun doesn’t miss the way the younger boy’s lips curls up in the faintest of smirks, giving away his real intention. Baekhyun fumes.

“What part of ‘I’m not interested in you’ don’t you understand, huh? It’s been ‘no’ for two fucking years, it’s not gonna fucking change now!” Baekhyun bellows, successfully attracting the attention of several people, including the bartender who seems as if he’s about to intervene when Jaehwan grabs Baekhyun’s arm roughly and yanks him closer with a feigned sweet smile, uncaring of Baekhyun’s loud protests and weak struggling.

“You’re not in your right mind, Baekhyun. Just let me help you, hmm? And who knows? You might even like it-”

Everything happens too fast for Baekhyun’s alcohol muddled brain to comprehend.

A strong force barrels into them, mostly on Jaehwan but Baekhyun loses his balance on his stool as well, as he’s driven forward, his abdomen making a painful impact on the edge of the counter. The bruising grip on his left wrist is suddenly wrenched away replacing it with another on his higher arm, possessive and protective, and the sickening warmth Baekhyun felt with Jaehwan’s proximity abruptly disappears with a pained cry. 

Blinking his haze away, Baekhyun turns around to notice Jaehwan looking the most outraged he’s ever seen as he looks up from the floor he’s sprawled on a considerable amount of distance away, holding his shaking arm. Baekhyun stiffens, feeling sober all of a sudden, when an all too familiar sandalwood and citrus scent invades his nose. The fact that Jaehwan has his fuming eyes locked on a spot beside Baekhyun and the imprint on his arm is too familiar to have belonged to a mere concerned stranger is enough for him to slowly turn to his side, desperately wishing it isn’t who he thinks it is.

Yet it is.

If the scent and the grip on his arm weren’t enough of an indication, the pair of eyes does it for Baekhyun. Breathtaking as ever, a myriad of emotions swirling inside, so deep and captivating Baekhyun feels the pull to drown in them even if they’re not directed at him. Rather they’re nearly spitting fire, a furious glare pinned on the young boy who seems to not have recognized who his attacker is since half of _his_ face is covered with a black face mask.

Baekhyun doesn’t know if he’s hallucinating or not, because _him_ being here at this moment is utterly impossible. _He_ should be with _his_ batshit crazy girlfriend right now, since _he_ clearly seems to be obsessed with her, despite knowing what kind of a person she is. Yet, _he’s_ here, and Baekhyun wishes he was anywhere but in _his_ presence.

It doesn’t take too long for Baekhyun’s mind to snap back into place, and when it does he yanks his arm away from _his_ tight grip at the same time Jaehwan gets up and stalks forward to face the stranger who ripped him away from Baekhyun. He scoffs internally at the possessive gestures of both of them, rolling his eyes when _he_ moves so that Baekhyun is covered from Jaehwan’s line of sight.

“You touch him again, I’m gonna break your fucking hand, you understand me? He’s mine.” Baekhyun curses himself for shivering in unwanted delight when he hears the possessive tone of the vehemently gritted out words. He wants to protest, to scream that it’s none of _his_ business, to leave him alone and to go back that fucking snake, but Baekhyun wants to see how this turns out. He watches, frustrated and disgusted at his heart for doing flips inside his ribcage.

“Fuck you, I got here first, who the fuck do you think you are?” Jaehwan snarls, craning his head to look up to his rival, and Baekhyun, from his angle can see that despite the tough front he sports, an obvious hint of fear swims in the younger boy’s shaky eyes. It increases to a great extent when _he_ takes a slow step forward, invading Jaehwan’s personal space. 

“Your worst fucking nightmare.”

Baekhyun outwardly scoffs at that, because even though he agrees on the fact that _he_ can become quite frightening when angered or provoked, the fact that _he’s_ being possessive over Baekhyun is downright ridiculous and hilarious. _He_ just doesn’t know how to stop pretending, does he?

However cliché _his_ possessive stance and words had portrayed to be, it apparently must have managed to unnerve Jaehwan, or maybe he recognized who his opponent is; Baekhyun doesn’t care to clarify, either way, the boy takes a step backwards, and with one nervous yet longing look at Baekhyun he takes off, mingling with the crowd, and disappears. Baekhyun smirks at how petrified Jaehwan looked only by some tough words and a glare, but that is until the aforementioned glare finds him as its new recipient.

“Yay! You showed him Yeollie!” Baekhyun cheers, ignoring the man who’s glaring daggers at him.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Baek? Taeyeon called me worried sick, it’s a good thing I was close.” _He_ hisses, the rage which fueled _his_ actions before still evident in _his_ voice. Baekhyun rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time that night and turns to rest his arms on the counter, all attention on downing the half full glass of whiskey. Yet the glass is snatched away. “You said you quit.”

“And you said you never played with me, yet here we are.” Baekhyun snickers, heaving a deep breath after retrieving the glass and gulping down the contents. He chooses to ignore the tingles that ran down his hand when their fingers touch, however he can’t stop his eyes from wandering to _his_ neck where the necklace had been, but blinks in surprise when he can’t find even a trace of it. “Where’s my girlfriend?”

“I sent her home, she said she can’t handle you with you being drunk and all.”

“Huh, coward.” Baekhyun snickers. “Take a page out of her book, leave. It’s ok I’ll understand, they all do anyway. I’m trying to have a drink in peace here, I don’t need a liar ruining my mood.”

“What do you mean ‘liar’? Hey, stop it, that’s enough.” _He_ yanks away the quarter full bottle of whiskey despite Baekhyun yelling in protest, and hands it over to the bartender who had been watching their interaction with a mildly amused expression. 

Enraged at losing his source of alcohol and also at the sizzling heartache he had thought had been subdued, Baekhyun starts hitting _him_ on the shoulder, yelling incoherent curses, wishing the way his voice breaks and his glassy eyes would go unnoticed. 

“You motherfucking liar! Don’t you know when enough is enough?! Go back to your fucking girlfriend and leave me the fuck alone-”

“Ok, that’s it.” Baekhyun’s rant is interrupted when his limp self is manhandled into his coat and literally swept off of his feet, _him_ bending down to throw Baekhyun over _his_ shoulder. Baekhyun shrieks when the world is suddenly flipped upside down, the pounding headache and the revolting in his stomach increasing in tenfold.

“Chanyeol! The fuck are you doing?! Put me the fuck down, now!” Baekhyun strikes _his_ broad back with clenched fists, wiggling in _his_ iron hold desperately trying to ignore the warmth of _his_ hand right below his asscheeks, while _he_ strides towards the exit ignorant to the confused and shocked looks thrown their way. “Chanyeol, I swear to fucking God, if you don’t put me down this instant Imma throw up all over your fucking coat, you hear me?! I don’t care if it’s handmade in Italy or Spain or wherever the fuck it was, Imma add my own fucking design if- Hey!”

Baekhyun shrieks again when he’s suddenly manhandled onto his feet, the world righting itself again. He sways disoriented, trying to blink his haze away and is barely able to take in a breath before _he’s_ dragging him along the sidewalk by his hand. Baekhyun continues his loud protests, trying to yank back his hand, but he’s too wasted; as Jaehwan put it, that the only thing he can do is let himself dragged, feet shuffling on the asphalt. 

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Baekhyun, but let’s just get home for now, and we’re gonna talk this out tomorrow when you’re sober, ok?” _His_ voice comes out muffled because of the face mask but Baekhyun can hear perfectly, and he snickers. Of course _he’s_ not going to talk about this tomorrow, since _he_ clearly knows that Baekhyun would forget this entire night when he’s sober.

“Yeah, you would love that, wouldn’t you? You bastard- _ow!_ ” Baekhyun gasps when _he_ shoves him against a car; which Baekhyun faintly recognizes as a company car, and chooses to ignore the panicked look in _his_ eyes when Baekhyun lets out a pained groan. He glares hotly, cursing under his breath. _He totally did that on purpose._

“God, I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t mean to- Is-is this about-” _He_ cuts himself off, as if hesitant on voicing the words, and Baekhyun scoffs sardonically already aware of what _he’s_ about to ask. “Is this about the kiss? I-I know it was sudden and I’m sorry- I swear I didn’t wanna make you feel pressured or anything, I just- I saw you there and- _goddammit,_ look, we can take this slow, yeah? I-I wanna be with you and-and the last thing I want is to rush into this and scare you away-”

“God, you’re such a good liar.” Baekhyun shakes his head in disbelief, smirking, and _his_ eyes squint in confusion as he continues quietly, as if talking to himself. “But not good enough. I’m done falling for your bullshit, so you can stop pretending now. Seriously I can’t believe I let myself be fooled for so long, I should’ve seen it coming.”

“Baek, what’re you talking about? This is real-”

“Are you gonna take me home? Or are you gonna leave me here and make me freeze to death like the heartless bastard you are?” Baekhyun interrupts with a dark smirk, shoving his cold hands inside his coat pockets. His right hand brushes over something soft and tender but he ignores it. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind it, you know? There’s nothing you can do to me to hurt me anymore. You can do whatever you want with me, that’s the only thing you’re good at, right? Lying to me, playing with me, making my life a living hell, remember those? Good times, huh?”

“Baek, I swear, I never-” 

“I wonder if Jaehwan is still here.” Baekhyun mockingly lilts his voice, craning his neck to take a glimpse at the entrance of the club, and smirks when _his_ jaw clenches. “Sweet kid, always so eager to give me a ride-”

“Stop it! Stop it, Baek please, stop it!” _He_ growls, holding onto Baekhyun’s shoulders and shaking him roughly, as if hell bent on snapping some sense into him. But Baekhyun is too far gone to care because he grins, manically, wild eyes dead set on desperate ones. It seems as if _he_ realized Baekhyun is a lost cause as well because he sighs heavily, shoulders slumping dejectedly. “Ok. Ok, let’s go home, I’ll-I’ll take you home.”

“Good boy. Shotgun!”

 

 

Not one word exchanges between them during the ten minute car ride back home, Baekhyun dozing off in his seat mostly while _he_ silently drives. Baekhyun might be completely intoxicated, but even in his hazy state, he can sense the nervousness and uneasiness emanating in waves from _him,_ the tension too thick to even breathe properly. Yet, he ignores the apprehensive looks thrown his way, smirking slightly, proud of himself for managing to unnerve the bastard.

They arrive at the dorm not too long after, the distance not being that long, and Baekhyun jumps out of the car before it even comes to a halt. Disoriented, he sways a bit, but gathers himself fairly quick despite being drunk out of his wits; guess his tolerance wasn’t that messed up as he had thought, and ignoring _his_ objections, sprints inside the building.

It’s in front of their door he stops, thumping his head on the wood when he realizes he forgot the passcode. He tries several times with the numbers he faintly remembers with shaky fingers, but curses loudly when his every attempt proves futile. Despite it being past midnight and the members probably fast asleep, Baekhyun figures _fuck it_ and lifts his hand to pound on the door, hoping at least one of the members would hear it. He’s only able to land one weak strike before he’s pulled back into a warm embrace and familiar long fingers dance on the number pad, turning the handle when it beeps.

Baekhyun doesn’t protest to his bewilderment, feeling strangely safe and cozy in the warmth, as he turns and snuggles into _his_ broad chest, inhaling the soothing scent. He’s certain it’s the alcohol controlling him when his hands slide up _his_ torso, hooking themselves behind _his_ neck, because sane Baekhyun would never do that in a million years. He isn’t met with resistance however, rather, _he_ bends slightly, snaking _his_ hand behind Baekhyun’s thighs and lifts him up bridal style.

“Hey! We’re not married yet!” Baekhyun giggles, hands tight around _his_ neck, and wiggling his legs as _he_ carries Baekhyun inside, and he ignores how _he_ tenses for a second before continuing the walk towards their rooms. Noticing _his_ bare neck, Baekhyun pouts. “Oh right, we can’t.”

“Why can’t we?” _He_ squints _his_ eyes in confusion, but a small smile tugs at _his_ lips, and Baekhyun finds himself tracing the plump lips with his pointer finger while _he_ struggles with opening the door of the room.

“Oh you know why Yeollie, you already have a ring.” Baekhyun sing-songs, smirking and gasps in delight when the door opens.

He squeals, wiggling wildly in _his_ hold, almost falling on his butt, when he notices the familiar surroundings of his old room. He honestly can’t remember the last time he’s been inside this room after switching with Jongdae, commandeering his place in his and Minseok’s room. As soon as he’s upright on his feet; although barely, Baekhyun swirls around, excitedly taking in the familiarities as well as the alterations and the instant his eyes fall on his; now Jongdae’s bed, he dives in, drowning in the soft sheets, sighing contently. But his eyes snap open not a second later because the sheets don’t smell like the disgusting burnt wood scented fragrance Jongdae uses at all. Instead it smells like-

“Hey, don’t fall asleep, we need to get some water in you. Otherwise, you’re gonna feel like shit tomorrow.”

“I’m gonna feel like shit anyway.” Baekhyun groans but sits up albeit forcefully, cursing when the effects of too much alcohol consumption hit him full force as he cradles his throbbing head in his hands. “Very well worth it though.”

“You’re completely wasted right now and you’re saying it’s worth it?”

“It doesn’t hurt.” Baekhyun looks up to meet _his_ puzzled gaze and smirks. “Where’s Jongdae?”

“Uh,” The sudden change of subject baffles _him_ undoubtedly, as _he_ looks at the other empty bed in the room, blinking in confusion, before answering. “He, uh, he sometimes sneaks into Minseok’s bed in the middle of the night, some nights Minseok comes here. They don’t do anything though! They just- cuddle.”

“Gross.” Well, that explains why he found himself alone in his room on some nights, the other bed devoid of his roommate, and on some nights it seemed as if Minseok grew twice his size overnight. Baekhyun wrinkles his nose in disgust, licking his lips and wincing at how dry his mouth feels. Looking up, he rolls his eyes when he notices _him_ still rooted to the ground, staring at him with that fucking unreadable expression. “How about that water now?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, wait a sec, I’ll be right back.”

Baekhyun’s back hits the mattress the second the door closes behind _him._ He might’ve sported an unaffected image in front of _him,_ but there’s no denying that Baekhyun can’t even keep his eyes open for more than two seconds. His whole body feels as if it’s full of lead, gravity enhancing just for him, and Baekhyun would love more than anything to curl into a ball and go to sleep on these sandalwood and citrus scented sheets. But nature calls in the most unwanted of times.

Groaning, wanting nothing more than to slip into dreamland, Baekhyun gets up, albeit slowly what with his uncooperative limbs and shrugs off his coat. Still groaning exaggeratedly and pouting, he shuffles towards the door but stops in his tracks when his hazy brain registers what he saw on top of the bedside drawer just a second ago. He shakes his head, chuckling to himself, because it’s impossible it’s there after all this time. _He_ definitely must have gotten rid of it, there’s no reason for _him_ to keep it after Baekhyun made it clear that he didn’t want it. Didn’t want anything of _his._

Yet it’s there, as plain as day, when he turns his head to take a second look to convince himself that no, he’s not hallucinating. The fucking eyeliner _he_ bought for Baekhyun. He feels so much sober all of a sudden.

Such a small pathetic thing, still in its protective covering, just staring back at its previous owner, reminding him of an ocean full of painful memories he never truly forgot, despite him reassuring himself over and over again. Memories of a time when he had thought his dreams had come true. Memories of a person in whom he saw his entire future laid out. Memories of feelings which he had thought he wasn’t alone with. Memories of a lie, so intricate and well woven, so far spread and realistic, that he didn’t realize it until it was too late. Until he was too tangled up in the web of lies that it was inevitable that it would’ve broken him if he had tried to escape. 

But he did. He escaped. Because living damaged in reality is better than living damaged in a lie. 

Love is a dangerous thing, he wonders. Love blinded him. Blinded him to the point that he couldn’t tell apart truth from lie. Right from wrong. Reality from fantasy. He let himself be swayed, be swept away from that look, that smile, all the while believing they were born out of love for him. Only for him. Believing that he had managed to fill a heart with warmth that once had been cold and empty. He had thought he had won, but he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Baekhyun had always prided himself on being able to read people, their emotions and their true nature. Yet he wonders how and why he couldn’t see through _him_ and Sandara, how they were both playing him, like a game of cat and mouse. The signs were there, right in plain sight, right in front of him, but he somehow always managed to overlook them, because why would someone who had hated him for two whole years suddenly act as if they had been boyfriends as long as they can remember? 

Baekhyun was too stupid and too blind in love to open his eyes. He had been hung up on the fact that his love was finally being reciprocated that he failed to realize he was just a puppet, hung by the strings controlled by the man he had thought had loved him, had thought would spend the rest of his life with. He must have put on quite a show for his audience, because the act had lasted for three long years. How entertaining he might have had looked, desperate for love, pining for a man who was laughing at him behind closed doors with a woman who Baekhyun had thought was his friend. 

The thought has his blood boiling all over as he clenches his hands, nails digging into his palms probably drawing blood, trying to calm his rapid heartbeat. The sudden trip down memory lane had managed to sober him up, enough to make him quiver in disgust when he realizes where he is and what he had done just a few minutes ago. He had sought and reveled in the warmth of the person who froze his heart in contempt. How could he have done that even in his unfeeling drunkard state? How could he still be weak for _him_ after everything _he_ had done to him? 

Is there no end?

Something snaps inside Baekhyun.

Using small measured steps, Baekhyun ambles to the bathroom, no haste in his stature, a distant calm relaxing him. Locking the door behind him, he stands in front of the mirror, smiling softly as his disheveled and wretched reflection stares back at him. Dark ravenet hair tousled, eyeliner smudged around his hooded eyes, pupils blown wide, face flushed and lips chapped, completely different from how he had left the dorm not few hours ago excited and carefree, but now, all signs of life vanished from his features. The living embodiment of pathetic.

Tilting his head, Baekhyun slowly traces his finger over his chapped lips, the roughness scraping at the sensitive skin. The memories flash before his eyes, the pain comes barreling back, setting his body ablaze, an all too familiar itch scratching under his skin. A desire to feel weightless. A longing for a state of calm and serenity. A craving to watch his pain bleed out.

Yet it’s a pity he doesn’t have his trusted pen knife with him, his loyal companion lying inside a drawer in his room in his grandmother’s house, the very last time he had made use of it. Such a pity, it knows its angles on his skin very well. Could’ve made such pretty art on his already scarred wrists.

He distantly hears Chanyeol calling for him, undoubtedly panicked when he found the room empty, yet Baekhyun heeds it no mind. Still smiling softly, Baekhyun opens the drawer under the sink and takes out the first aid box, the measly thing feeling unnaturally heavy for his frail limbs. Taking off the lid, he rummages inside for the substitute he had in mind for his pen knife, and his eyes light up when he fishes out the little pair of scissors they used to cut the bandages and such. It’s going to be used for a completely different act tonight.

“Baekhyun, are you in there?” Baekhyun calmly looks up towards the door, when a series of knocks rattles it, followed by Chanyeol’s anxious voice. 

He smiles, as if it’s directly trained on Chanyeol, as if Chanyeol can see it, the same smile he gave when once Chanyeol smiled at him as if Baekhyun was his whole world with that look decorating his eyes. He doesn’t know if it’s real or not but Baekhyun would love to witness that look directed at him, one last time. Because in his mind, that look was full of something Chanyeol was unable to give him, something Baekhyun had deluded himself into believing that Chanyeol was giving him; even if it was for a short while, love. 

But he can’t.

“Baekhyun! Open this door now!” The knob turns repeatedly in a futile attempt to open the locked door which rattles in its hinges by the force it’s subjected to, yet Baekhyun knows it won’t give. At least not until he’s finished. He has plenty of time. 

Glassy eyes trained on the door and the image of the man he loves behind it, Baekhyun slowly steps backwards, the scissors loosely held in his right hand, until his back makes contact of the tiled wall, and slides down, the tiles squeaking against his clothes, the back of his trousers dampening from spilled water. Rolling up his sleeves of his left hand, he takes his eyes off of the door to follow the trace of his fingers on the old scars, now fully healed, a healthy patch of skin covered over them. 

Intricate designs crisscrossed across, uneven on the milky skin under his fingertips, they’re beautiful in their own way, Baekhyun wonders, like colorful strokes of a brush on a painter’s canvass. A painting depicting his pain, heartache and courage. Courage with which he once turned his back to his demons. But he doesn’t need it now. He pushes it away knowing that the painting is incomplete. He needs to finish it. One last time, only one, one last stroke of the brush, and it’ll be complete.

Baekhyun lifts the scissors, gently and carefully, as if actually handling a paint brush, and smiles running his thumb over the sharp side, feeling the sting. Slowly lowering it to his wrist which he had placed on his lap, he realizes that there’s more than one voice calling his name behind the rattling door, all of their voices mingling together and echoing inside the small room, yet everything fades away to a deafening quietness when the blade touches his skin. 

In a world where only he exists with no annoying noises or aggravating responsibilities, he sighs contently, feeling the familiar cold sensation of the sharp metal sliding over his wrist, pressing down hard until crimson contrasts against milky white.

Baekhyun watches, through a slight sting which feels like an old friend, as blood slowly oozes out of the deep cut, too deep than all of the times before. Baekhyun blames and thanks the slightly blunt scissors for that, he had to press harder than he did normally. It’s a pity, he wanted to watch the blood creating designs on the floor; it’s been so long since the last time, but with more blood pouring out, it’s unlikely he’d be conscious for too long. Which is a good thing however, he’ll be out before they break in.

It’s pleasing, the sensation of his pain seeping out, leaving behind only a calmness and peacefulness, weightless and carefree, almost gleeful. It’s been too long since he had felt like this, lightheaded, all his troubles and pain draining from his body, escaping his chaotic mind. The trail of crimson slowly traces all over the floor, the water making it possible to create prettier designs, and Baekhyun sighs, moaning in content as he wonders why he waited this long to do this, to feel happy. Free from worry, from heartache and from Chanyeol.

Yet it’s not Chanyeol’s fault, he wonders, he shouldn’t blame Chanyeol. If there’s anyone responsible for his pain, it’s himself. He alone brought all of this on himself, he had the chance to walk away, to stop his useless pining, but he didn’t. Like a fool, he held on. If he had dropped his futile attempts at obtaining his love on that first day, maybe Chanyeol wouldn’t have been so hell bent on playing with him. He must have been too much of an entertainment not to pass up, all because of his pathetic thoughts on his love at first sight.

It seems as if he miscalculated the time on him being lifeless by the time the door opens, because it bursts open yet Baekhyun is still conscious. Conscious and lucid enough to know that Chanyeol slipping on the tiled floor as soon as he tumbles in when the door gives way, is not his imagination. Nor is the beyond panicked expression that takes over Chanyeol’s face when he realizes the reason he slipped is not water, but blood. Baekhyun’s blood.

Baekhyun watches, eyes slowly falling shut, mouth as dry as sandpaper, the drowsiness finally getting to him, as Chanyeol lifts himself up, but pausing when he notices the crimson coloring his palms. He smiles; it looks the prettiest when it’s decorating Chanyeol’s skin. A series of gasps and cries sound from behind Chanyeol’s slumped form, and Baekhyun faintly realizes that it must be his friends. It would’ve been a delight to see their faces one last time, his Soo, Minseok, Joonmyun, Luhan, Sehun, Zitao, each and every one, he knows there’s more, but a thick cloud covers his mind, eyes heavy, too heavy that it’s a pleasure when they fall shut. 

Yet they’re forced to open when an all too familiar scent assaults his nose before a wet and slick sensation cups his cheeks. Baekhyun faintly realizes it as his blood on Chanyeol’s hands as his love becomes focused through his blurry vision, and smiles albeit strained because he got to see Chanyeol’s face one last time, even though it’s devoid of that beautiful smile.

“-hyun! Baekhyun! Don’t do this to me, please, no God no! Call-call an ambulance now!”

His rough voice reaches Baekhyun, broken in desperation and wavering in fear, it’s as if Chanyeol is yelling from miles away, a thick blanket of mist separating them. But it can’t be, Baekhyun knows, he can feel the warmth, overpowering the cold that prickles at him from within his body, the comfortable warmth in which he could curl into a little ball and sleep, sleep forever. 

He’s pulled further into the warmth, one cheek squished against a strong chest that’s heaving rapidly, as the other cheek is pressed by a wet hand, and Baekhyun’s certain Chanyeol can undoubtedly feel how cold his skin is. He exhales shakily, the smile never leaving his lips, as Chanyeol’s other hand hugs his petit body tighter to his larger frame, and Baekhyun feels smaller than he’s ever felt in his hold; not that there were many instances.

“Angel you- you can’t do this to me please, I’m begging you, please-please open your eyes, baby please, open your eyes and look at me, please-”

Baekhyun shivers, either from the freezing cold in his body or because of the adoring pet name, he doesn’t know, but what he does know is that he should wipe away Chanyeol’s tears, the steady stream of hot liquid falling freely on his cheeks. Baekhyun has his eyes shut, but he can feel the stabs of burning hotness whenever the tears fall on his face, can hear the heartbreaking sobs rumbling under where he lies his head. And he wants it to stop. He doesn’t want Chanyeol to be sad, he should be the happiest with his love, with a lot of kids and maybe a couple of dogs, in a little house near a lake, with years and years filled only with love and happiness. 

Baekhyun sighs contentedly just by imagining it.

With great effort, he lifts his hand, the wounded one, since his right hand is squashed between his and Chanyeol’s bodies, and caresses Chanyeol’s cheek, probably smearing his blood all over the clean skin in an attempt to wipe his tears away.

“Don’t-” He has to lick his lips to speak again, his mouth drier than the desert. “Don’t cry, love.”

“God, Baek-” Chanyeol’s sobs increase greatly when he gently holds Baekhyun’s hand, undoubtedly noticing the still gushing wound. “Just-just hold on ok? Just a little longer, we’re-we’re gonna get you help, I’m not gonna let you leave me, please- don’t-don’t’ pass out on me baby please, just a little bit longer-”

Baekhyun hums, recollecting the familiar words his mother told him. If he had time, he would’ve loved to go to her and tell her that this is the only thing she’d been wrong about in her whole life. He faintly realizes that he won’t ever see her face again, nor the faces of any of his friends, his grandmother, his brother and father; even if they’re kind of jerks, and Chanyeol. The thought should depress him, pain him yet he doesn’t feel anything. Instead the only thing that’s running through his mostly bleary mind is that, it’s time.

A strange serenity washes over him, a cozy warmth enveloping him, even though he would prefer to bask in Chanyeol’s warmth forever, this warmth calls for him, beckons him into open arms. He wonders if he should be guilty about choosing the new warmth over Chanyeol’s, but he can’t resist it, it’s addicting and alluring, and he wants nothing more than to doze off with it cloaking him. The warmth pulls at him and Baekhyun is about to surrender but frowns when the clutches disappear following a frantic voice calling for him.

“Baek? No, no, no, no, wake up, wake up- please, hey, stay with me, you’re gonna be alright, please just- just a little longer- Guys!”

“Ambulance is ten minutes away, they-they're saying we gotta keep him awake till then and-and to wrap up the wound.” 

“Ok, do it. Baek? Hey, angel, open your eyes, please, you gotta stay awake for me, baby-”

“Chanyeol-” Baekhyun doesn’t know how he still has enough strength and lucidity to form words, or to even think of words, but they escape his lips, quivering and gentle. “Can-can your sleeping beauty go to sleep now? He’s really tired and cold.”

A sob erupts, yet Baekhyun can’t pinpoint from who it sounded.

“No, no, no, not yet angel, not yet, please, you gotta stay awake yeah? I want you to stay awake, for me ok? Can you do that for me? Angel?”

“Hmm, sounds nice.” Baekhyun smiles contentedly when Chanyeol hums in question, the low rumble of his throat acting as an anchor, grounding Baekhyun in reality. “Way you say it. Angel. Say it again.”

“Angel,” Chanyeol whispers, hugging Baekhyun closer, almost crushing him, but it’s a pleasurable feeling, tangled up in the arms of the one he loves. Baekhyun sighs feeling his heavy limbs relax under the soothing touch and voice, the warmth beckoning him again. “You’re my angel. Only mine. God, I love you so much my angel.”

 _Angel._ He’s Chanyeol’s angel. It feels nice, hearing it and knowing that Chanyeol has a reserved pet name just for him, and Chanyeol loves him. Baekhyun can’t even imagine how long he waited to hear those words from his love. Although he has no way of knowing if Chanyeol is saying the truth or not, Baekhyun chooses to believe it. It’ll be the last he hears it anyway. Maybe he could be an angel and watch over Chanyeol, and make sure he’s happy. The thought imprints in his mind when he joins hands with the warmth.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun forces out with great difficulty, what with his dry mouth and limp tongue, and wiggles weakly in Chanyeol’s hold until he’s staring up at the love of his life as he cups his cold cheeks with hot sticky hands, face still pressed against Chanyeol’s chest. Even with his eyes half closed and mind shutting down fast, he stares, intently, as if painting every feature and expression of Chanyeol’s face in his mind. The action causes Chanyeol to furrow his eyebrows in confusion, a soft longing lacing his eyes.

Baekhyun smiles. 

“I’m sorry I can’t love you anymore.”

And with one last look at the love of his life, Baekhyun collapses straight into arms of the warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Got ya didn't I? :DDD
> 
> Sooooo...... yep, I did that.....
> 
> oops?
> 
> If u want come scream at me on  
> twitter - @paradeisosCB or  
> instagram - ariabae1058
> 
> But u'll be pleased to kno that the heavy angsty part of this is officially OVER!!!!  
> /THROWS CONFETTI/
> 
> I wonder who Dara's mysterious ex is.... ;)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! we're back :D  
> Yeah so, remember i said on the last chapter that the angsty half of this story is officially over???
> 
> Honestly it /is/.... just clarifying lol
> 
> And i did some alterations to the chapters, i mean i merged chapters 1 & 2 so this chapter is the 11th... not the previous one.... and some of ur comments might hv gotten deleted bcz of this so :((( I'm sorry for that but thank u to all those who commented!!! <3  
> Oh and idk if i should put Major Character Death in the tags... do i hv to? Im confused :(((
> 
> 13,000 WORDS!!!  
> GOOD LUCK AND ENJOY!!! :D

_We cannot be sure of having something to live for unless we're willing to die for it._

 

If this is how afterlife feels, Baekhyun doesn’t want it.

It’s dark. It might be because he can’t open his eyes, but even beyond his eyelids he knows it’s dark. It’s a void but he suffocates as if he’s drowning, as if the walls closing in on him in a room. And it’s endless. He’s floating in nothingness, dark and damp, where nothing exists. Nothing and no one except him. He’s all alone, cold and helpless, cursed to wander in oblivion for a wrong he doesn’t remember he committed. In fact, he doesn’t remember anything, nothing except that he should be watching over someone and making sure that that someone stays happy. But he can’t fulfill that if he’s stuck here.

It’s cold, so cold, almost freezing, and he finds himself searching for a warmth he faintly remembers was there, maybe just a second ago. Because it’s difficult to measure time in this oblivion, every minute feels as if it’s the last, or is it hours? Days? Weeks? He doesn’t know, but he wants to. Wants to because he needs to calculate the time he’s being kept away from his goal. The time that the person is waiting alone for his guidance. He needs to be there, with that person. He so badly wants to, he can feel his numb body yearning for it; whatever it is. 

It seems as if his prayers are answered, because a pull jerks him towards… somewhere, and he’s yanked away from the darkness into a light, yet he still has his eyes closed. He tries to open them, but it feels as if they’re glued shut. He tries to lift his arms and his body but something’s on him, a weight, a terrifying weight, as if he’s being crushed under a ton of bricks. It presses him so hard until he’s blocked by a flat surface under him, and he’s squashed between it and the weight on top of him. He opens his mouth to scream, to shout out for someone to save him, to remove whatever that’s trying to crush him, but no words come out, not even a sound. It’s exactly as the place he had been wandering in before, but different in every aspect.

The weight changes every so often. Mostly it’s on his chest, sometimes his abdomen, sometimes on his hands; it never stays in one place, and it doesn’t stay for too long either. Yet, he wishes for it to stop. Because wherever the weight touches on his body, it burns. It starts as a small sting at first, but it grows to a sizzling red-hot scorch instantly. The burn is inexplicable, it pains him immeasurably, he wants to thrash around to lessen the pain, but he can’t move. It’s as if he’s tied down, or as if someone is holding him down, until the pain fades away. And it does, it doesn’t stay for too long. He yearns for it to vanish and never come back.

But when it’s on his hands, his left hand to be exact, he never wants it to stop. Because it doesn’t hurt; rather it thaws the coldness his body is frozen in. 

He has a faint recollection of a pleasurable feeling of a warmth, calling to him, beckoning him to its arms and how he followed it to an embrace which he had thought had held the warmth, so that he could sleep wrapped in it forever. But the instant had he surrendered himself, the warmth had ceased to exist. Now he wonders if it really did exist. He remembers trying to thrash around, in search of the warmth that calmed him once, but it never returned. Rather a new warmth arrived. New yet achingly familiar. Warmth of a love.

This warmth had calmed his frantic self instantly, as if pouring cold water on a body on fire. _What a stark contrast of irony._ Wherever it touched, it burned, but it was pleasant, almost soothing. Sometimes it caressed the places of his body that had burned excruciatingly, relieving the pain in an instant, and he finds himself wondering why that warmth couldn’t stay with him forever, fighting away the burn that wants to harm him, protecting him. He knows he’s dead; there’s no doubt, body stiff and heavy with cold, world dark, damp and literally dead, but the warmth makes him feel as if he’s alive. 

As if he’s not alone.

And then there are the sounds. Voices, faint but loud, as if he’s in a hollow pit and they’re reaching him from so far up above him, echoing, and rumbling inside his body. It’s bothersome, because they don’t stop, they assault his hearing in static noises, loud bangs and clashes and some sounds that sound remarkably like human voices. Some of them are faintly familiar, but he can’t quite summon up any memories of faces to match them with the voices. It’s true that the voices make him feel like he’s not alone, that there are people beyond the dark veil that’s covering his eyes, but he sometimes craves the silence he had in that lonely oblivion. And he gains the silence with that warmth he looks forward to.

The warmth and the silence come hand in hand, one following the other. He now anticipates it when the loud annoying noises stop abruptly, that means he’s about to be enveloped in that warmth once more, that the burns are to be cured. The combination is calming, soothing beyond belief, and if it were in his power to sleep, he would definitely doze off to the relaxing sensation. Sometimes the silence speaks to him, in the most familiar of the voices, gentle and mellow. It’s different from all those loud noises because this is caring. Almost as if, whoever or whatever it is, they’re afraid of waking him up. But he wants to wake up, to see the source of his warmth and silence, to thank it for saving him. 

Yet there’s a tugging in him that whispers to him that he isn’t supposed to be saved. That he was supposed to wander alone in that oblivion forever, seeing nothing, feeling nothing, being nothing. It’s overwhelming, that feeling that he’s stuck somewhere he’s not meant to be, the feeling that he doesn’t deserve the warmth or the silence. He doesn’t know why he died, or who he died for; or rather he can’t name them or visualize them, but he does know that he died with only one thing in his mind. 

Love.

Yes, he remembers now. It slowly comes back to him, although in bits and pieces. He sacrificed his life so that his love could be happy with the person he loves. Oh, it’s a he. Then perhaps the person he loved was a woman, perhaps that’s why he couldn’t reciprocate Baekhyun’s love, and perhaps that’s why he took his life, so that his love could be happy without him breathing down his neck. Was that all? Or is something missing? He feels like there’s something missing. 

Perhaps that’s why he came back, not fully yet, but still. Something was missing to the story, or he might have passed over it. Either way, he isn’t supposed to be dead, at least not yet, he needs to find out what he missed, the evil whispers in his ear be damned.

The warmth disappears suddenly, and his body burns up again. He tries to scream, call out for the warmth that’s getting farther and farther away from him with each passing second, to come back, to return to his side and save him from the pain, but he can’t. His muscles are taut, heavy and limp, not in accordance with any of the commands his mind gives. But he resists. He resists the demands in the back of his head yelling at him to stop, to stay, stay where he lies, cold and dead, because that’s what he should be. He resists because he’s not supposed to be cold and dead, not yet. He needs that warmth beside him.

He needs to find out the truth.

He listens, shutting off the annoying whispers in his head, he listens. It’s quiet, which is weird because if there’s silence, the warmth should be there too. But it’s not, rather his body is burning up in that horrid fire. It’s all the more reason to open his eyes. Yes, that’s what he needs to do. He needs to open his eyes and find out what’s going on. Find out what happened to his warmth.

Concentrating each and every ounce of his strength and willpower on his pair of eyes, his eyelids to be exact, he wills them to open. It’s a tough feat with the immense pain his whole body is suffering from at the moment, but he doesn’t relent. He tries and tries but at last he stops, not because he lost courage or succumbed to the dark, no. But because of a memory his mind provides. A memory of a pair of eyes, so mesmerizing and captivating, so deep and mysterious. A pair of eyes that holds an all too familiar look. 

A look of inexpressible love.

His eyes snap open.

Whatever pain he had felt when he was in that dark void, it’s nothing compared to the immeasurable pain he feels as soon as he opens his eyes. They don’t stay open even for a second as his corneas sting under the light; however faint it is, with being in the dark for so long. 

The burning vanishes for a split second but returns overwhelming in tenfold, that he actually thrashes around the soft surface he’s lying on. His lungs feel as if they’re flooded with water, breathing fast and heavy, struggling to acquire much needed air, and although the gadget; whatever it is, covering his mouth is lessening the struggle to some point; he’s certain, it’s still unbearable. On top of it all, his heart is beating fast, too fast to be considered normal, that he fears it might jump out of his ribcage.

A pair of hands reaches him, trying its best to keep the struggling body calm and still but to no avail. A recurring beeping assaults his ears, as well as a loud yell, the voice very familiar yet distant in memory. The pair of hands on him disappears but it’s replaced by at least half a dozen more, and they fuss over him, shouting words Baekhyun never even heard of. The gadget around his mouth comes off, and he jolts when a sharp tip pricks his right wrist and he groans gritting his teeth when a stinging sensation travels up his right arm beginning from where it was pricked.

The sensation calms him to some extent, as his heavy breathing slows down in accordance with the annoying beeping and he feels his heart slowing down as well. Even with his eyes closed, heavy and sleepy, he can feel that the previous commotion around him had died down, with only hushed whispers and gentle touches along his naked arms. It’s comforting and calming, as he relaxes into the feeling, a drowsiness tugging at him, the sizzling burn slowly fading away. With great effort, intent on ignoring the irritating light, he opens his eyes just as a loud bang of a door opening echoes, and he smiles when his eyes get locked on that pair of beautiful eyes before he drowns in the darkness again.

 

 

 

When Baekhyun wakes up again, it’s quiet, and it’s dark.

He makes a mental note to thank whoever decided to dim down the lights, because it’s excruciatingly annoying to open his eyes to a blinding light after being in the dark for so long. He’s in a room, a hospital room to be exact, if the constant beeping of the machines he’s hooked into and the disgusting smell that screams ‘hospital’, are any indications. And of course there's the ugly hospital gown; he hates the flimsy pieces of cloth. He tries to move around on the surface he’s lying on; obviously a bed, but his body feels as if it’s full of lead, basically rendering him immobile. He also figures it’s morning, a faint light pouring into the room through the slight cracks of the curtains. 

The already faint light is further blocked by a silhouette standing right in front of it, staring out the window with his hands shoved inside his pant pockets. The figure is familiar, but Baekhyun can’t quite match the memories his mind is being assaulted by, to the blond haired man. He tries to speak, to get the man’s attention but all that escapes his lips is a hoarse groan. Yet, it proves fruitful as he jumps and turns around.

“Baek? Oh my God, you’re awake! Wait, wait, I gotta call somebody-”

“N-no, wait,” Baekhyun groans in protest, fighting against the sandpaper feel of his mouth. He tries to sit up despite the heaviness in his body but slumps down on the bed, groaning in irritation. 

Yixing; that’s who that is, Baekhyun remembers the dimples, seeing his struggle, strides forward, putting off his march towards the door, and reaching his right, helps Baekhyun sit up, although with much difficulty and places a pillow behind him to lean back to. Baekhyun wants nothing more than to lie down and relieve his body of this weight dragging him down, but he’s too thirsty to care. Eyeing the full bottle of water resting on a table beside him, he tries to lift his left hand to motion towards it but it seems as if blood circulation hadn’t found its course towards it yet, so he raises his right instead.

Yixing follows Baekhyun’s hand, and as soon as his eyes fall on the bottle of water, he snatches it, and uncapping the lid, brings it over to Baekhyun’s lips. Baekhyun drinks, as if he’s been wandering in a desert for weeks, the heavenly nectar rejuvenating his insides, but Yixing takes away the bottle all too soon. 

“Take it slow, ok? It’s not good to drink too much all of a sudden.” He advises, hearing Baekhyun’s whine. 

Baekhyun sighs, breathing heavily, as his eyesight blurs into focus in the dimly lit room. One corner of it is packed with colorful balloons, bouquets and plushies and such, their vibrant colors contrasting heavily against the black and white décor of the room. A huge plasma screen hangs on the wall across and right under it a black leather sofa resides with a crumpled up white sheet and two pillows. The room is undoubtedly a VIP room; courtesy of Mr. Lee, if the sheer amount of comforts are any indication. Baekhyun suddenly frowns.

“Why am I here?” The question seemingly throws Yixing off guard, as he jerks in his place on a chair on Baekhyun’s right. He licks his lips and gulps, clearly nervous, before he speaks.

“Baek, what do you remember?”

_What does he remember?_

Baekhyun closes his eyes, desperately trying to remember even the slightest of hints that may have landed him in a hospital of all places. It proves to be difficult feat as his mind is still hazy and muddled, and most of his attention is on how heavy and painful his body feels right now. Yet he pushes on, willing his mind to travel back to the very last thing it can remember. His journey ends in a cherry blossom park.

“I was in the park. And I was trying to catch a cherry blossom- no, no, that doesn’t feel right, why would I wanna catch a cherry blossom?” Baekhyun chuckles and throws his head back on the pillow, his eyes shut as he tries to reminisce. “Oh, ok, ok, I _was_ trying to catch a cherry blossom, but I was waiting for Taeyeon noona. We had a date in the- in the art gallery, but- but we didn’t go there, we went to- to the club, I remember drinking. Why did we go the club?”

“I don’t know.” Yixing answers perplexed even if it was a rhetorical question. Baekhyun doesn’t heed it any mind as he focuses on the flashes of memory his mind provides. There’s a recurring image of a person wearing black, the color clearly standing out between the pink cherry blossoms, but Baekhyun can’t focus on their blurred face. “Maybe you had a change of heart, did something happen in the park?”

“Yeah, I think so. There was a- guy I think, he wore all black, and-and we were talking and he came close to me all of a sudden, and he-”

“He what?” Yixing inquires, noting Baekhyun stiffening in shock. He sits there, eyes wide and breath held as the memories slowly fall into place.

“Chanyeol.” He whispers and doesn’t seem to notice Yixing’s almost nonchalant posture. “It was- it was Chanyeol. He kissed me.”

Yes, Chanyeol had kissed him in the park, after he had caught him the cherry blossom Baekhyun had been eyeing. Chanyeol had basically poured his love over him and Baekhyun had been all for it until the memories of a drunk night from a month ago had come to focus. He marvels at how effortlessly he recollects everything; it was a clearly an impossible feat before, but it seems as if his mind is tired of keeping the memories behind a barrier, as every image, every word, every emotion fall into place at an overwhelming pace.

Baekhyun remembers the sheer rage, the betrayal, the disgust he felt after he found out that Chanyeol had proposed to Sandara despite knowing that she was only using him to get back at her ex-boyfriend. He remembers how heartbreaking it was to realize that he was a mere puppet in a vile act Chanyeol and Sandara had been performing for three whole years, that he was only entertainment in their eyes.

He also remembers how carefree and weightless he felt with every sip of alcohol he consumed, until Chanyeol suddenly appeared and carried him away; literally. He remembers how empty and dejected he felt when the pain returned in tenfold after seeing the eyeliner on his bedside drawer, how he wanted it to stop, how he wanted to escape to somewhere the evil clutches of torment could never be able to reach him. He lastly remembers the warmth when he was enveloped in Chanyeol’s embrace, surrounded by breathtakingly intricate art in his own blood contrasting against the white tiled floor, while he slowly fell into the darkness.

Baekhyun remembers how he died.

“I remember.” He utters in a mere whisper, yet it echoes inside the large room. “I died. Oh my God, I _died-_ but why- how am I here now?”

Yixing sighs, loud and heavy, as if he’s burdened with more responsibilities than he could handle. Now that more light is pouring inside the room through the curtains, Baekhyun can see the dark bags under the blond’s eyes, and guilt tugs at his heart that it’s all because of him.

“Yeah, you died. Technically you were dead for two minutes.” Baekhyun gasps involuntarily. It’s one thing to think that he died; he wasn’t in his right mind, perhaps he mistook it for passing out from too much blood loss, but to hear it from someone else, that he _actually_ died? It’s a whole different feeling all over. “If the paramedics didn’t get there the moment they did, well, we wouldn’t be talking here right now. Actually I doubt you’d do anything, you’d just be, dead.”

“How long was I out?” Baekhyun mutters, keeping his eyes downwards, because with the guilt he’s feeling now, he won’t be able to look straight into Yixing’s eyes for a long time. Or any of his friends’ eyes.

“Uh, nine days last night. You were technically in a coma Baekhyun.” Yixing answers, and Baekhyun can't find the strength in him to feel shocked. “They had to give you almost four pints of blood, you had lost so much.”

“Chanyeol found me, didn’t he?” Baekhyun meekly adds, heart beating fast by the fact that he actually crossed over the lines of living to the land of the dead.

“Yep. Actually he broke the door trying to get in. He said that he felt like something was wrong with you, whatever that means, and if he had found you any later, you would’ve bled out. You were pretty close to it by the time we found you though. He yelled at us to call an ambulance the second he saw you. He saved your life Baekhyun.”

“But he lied to me hyung. He lied to me.” Baekhyun breathes with glassy eyes, as he gestures to the bottle of water. He heaves a deep contented sigh after a long sip. “He basically said that he loved me that night, he basically said he loved me for three years, but it was all a lie. I know he acted like he loved me but it was a sham. He was- he was engaged to Sandara the whole time, hyung. He was just playing with me, like he had done ever since we met. He never loved me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

Baekhyun snaps his head towards Yixing at the sheer unexpectedness of the question, and also how nonchalant he sounded when he voiced it. Baekhyun ignores his sore muscles in his neck, aching from an action so sudden and quick, as he stares at the smiling face of his hyung, eyes twinkling as if he knows an ocean of things Baekhyun doesn’t. 

Yixing doesn’t hold his stare for too long though, as he slowly directs his eyes to the white bedside table on top of which he had placed the bottle of water. Following his line of sight, Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows in confusion as Yixing extends his arm to retrieve something from behind the bottle, and he gasps when that something comes into view.

A cherry blossom encased in a glass ball.

And Baekhyun doesn’t have any doubt that it’s the cherry blossom Chanyeol caught for him.

Baekhyun holds it reverently when Yixing gently hands him the delicate ball, blinking hard to fight back the impending river of tears. True, the small flower has lost somewhat of its clean pink color, its soft petals slightly creased as if it’s been crushed in a loose fist, but overall, it looks as if it’s as fresh as it were plucked minutes ago. The glass is not exactly a ball, rather it resembles a small snow globe, with a smooth flat surface, and the flower is perched on top of a little platform sort of thing; Baekhyun realizes it must be glued down. 

“Chanyeol.” He whispers.

“Mhm.” Yixing agrees, still wearing his small smile, staring at the delicate thing. Despite expecting the exact same answer, Baekhyun exhales shakily, biting his bottom lip to keep it from wobbling. “Soo found it inside a pocket of your coat you were wearing that night, and when Chanyeol saw it- well, to put it simply, he broke down. Asked us get those things and didn’t stop until he was done, and we didn’t ask any questions I mean, the guy was a mess. I think the only thing that kept him sane was that flower. And- God he was so different handling that, it was like he was there but at the same time he wasn’t. Yeah, he wasn’t the same since you- uh, you know.” 

Baekhyun listens, but he can’t believe. He sees, but he can’t believe. He can’t believe that this silly flower Chanyeol caught for him, the flower which holds a significance to Baekhyun that more than he could begin to describe, had held an equal amount of significance to Chanyeol as well, enough to break him. 

“He hasn’t left your side since they brought you here.” Baekhyun shakily exhales when Yixing softly mutters, yet he doesn’t take his eyes away from the flower. “Just sitting there, holding your hand, staring at you. Didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, I think he didn’t get any more than ten hours of sleep this whole time, even that was because Soo practically force fed him smoothies laced with sleeping pills. And that bastard, he found out, hasn’t had any food since, no matter how much we begged him. Almost had to admit him after he- uh, because he was too weak, yeah, because he was too weak, right-”

“He-he was here? This whole time?” Baekhyun’s voice breaks, his vision blurring against his own accord. “Well, where is he now?”

“Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon, I promise.” Yixing smiles reassuringly, noticing Baekhyun’s uneasy state, and the small smile in his voice is evident even if Baekhyun can’t see it. “I bet he’ll threaten the doctors to let him see you _again,_ and they probably will, seriously, they’re so scared of him-”

“No-no! I-I don’t wanna see him.” Baekhyun rushes out, startling Yixing with his outburst, body tensing and eyes shaking in panic. Noticing Yixing’s disappointed scowl, Baekhyun gulps. “I-I can’t face him, not-not yet anyway. I can’t face any of you guys after what I did, after what I put you through, I-I just- I can’t.”

“We don’t blame you Baekhyun, we never did, we were only waiting for you to wake up so we can go home. And for Chanyeol,” Yixing sighs and stands up, squeezing Baekhyun’s shoulder reassuringly, and slowly makes his way to the door. “It’s not my place to tell you anything but, Baekhyun, whatever Chanyeol does or did, he did it because he wanted to protect you. That’s what he’s been doing this entire time, _hell_ he’s out there doing it right now. I’m sorry but you were too quick to judge him and too blind to the truth, we all were.”

“What’re you talking about hyung? What do you know?” Baekhyun asks, breath hitching in his throat as he notices that little smile on Yixing’s lips, the smile that says he knows an ocean of things Baekhyun doesn’t.

“I’m just saying, whatever you’re convinced Chanyeol did to you, you couldn’t be more wrong. After all,” Yixing stops with a hand on the knob, about pull it open, as he turns his head to settle his unnerving gaze on a puzzled Baekhyun. “The guy almost died for you. I don’t think anyone would do that if they were _just_ playing.”

The click of the door echoes around the lonely room, and so do Yixing’s words. Baekhyun sits on his bed, frozen in shock and disbelief, body seizing in panic. Panic, fueled by the thought that Yixing has no reason whatsoever to lie or deceive him into believing that Chanyeol is not what Baekhyun always thought he was. That Chanyeol is capable of breaking down at the sight of a flower. That Chanyeol doesn’t relent until he knows that the flower he caught for Baekhyun is safe and snug where it can never die. That Chanyeol cares enough for Baekhyun to stay by his unconscious form for nine days without proper food or rest, waiting for him to wake up. Waiting for him to live.

Every single thought terrifies Baekhyun out of his wits because they paint Chanyeol as a completely different person than the picture he had in his mind this whole time. The one which led him beyond death’s doorstep; literally.

The rushed footsteps of half a dozen doctors and nurses storming in don’t startle him. Neither does the annoying pricks when the needles are pulled out from his veins nor when new ones take their place. He certainly doesn’t startle when the blinding light of a torch burns his forced open eyes. What does startle him is a memory. The last memory to fall into place.

The memory of him lying on his own pool of blood, enveloped in Chanyeol’s arms. The memory of him slowly drifting off into a void of harsh blackness and a soothing warmth. The memory of Chanyeol whispering in his ear the only words he ever wanted to hear from his love. Words that melt his insides and quicken his heartbeat, that the heart rate monitor actually speeds up, alarming the doctors.

_“You’re my angel. Only mine. God, I love you so much my angel.”_

Chanyeol… _loves_ him?

Or was it a spur of the moment thing?

But everything, every emotion Chanyeol wore on his face that night, every action he acted out, every word that escaped his mouth, and everything Yixing blurted out not ten minutes ago, none of them shed even a ray of light onto the picture of a heartless and manipulative Chanyeol, Baekhyun had painted in his mind. His frail body shivers at what they _do_ imply.

But that can’t be. If Chanyeol was in love with him, he wouldn’t have proposed to Sandara, or better yet, he wouldn’t even started dating her or anyone else for that matter. More importantly, if Chanyeol was in love with Baekhyun, he wouldn’t be here on a hospital bed having nearly escaped death, ghastly scars decorating his wrist. 

There’s something missing here, something more to the story, and Baekhyun knows, in his heart he knows that he has to find it, he must. For his sake, and also for Chanyeol’s, he must find out what he’s been missing this whole time.

 

 

 

Minutes bleed into hours and only when the frail rays of the setting sun illuminate the room is Baekhyun able to escape a day full of idleness. 

Baekhyun had been bored out of his mind not two hours in, lounging in the lonely, blank room with the occasional nurse or doctor coming in to check on him, wearing too wide smiles to be considered genuine. After a tiring series of annoying tests and questions, Baekhyun had been ordered to rest at least three days before he’s allowed visitors, which without doubt must have angered his friends and family, and Baekhyun is certain if he had listened more closely, he would’ve heard Jongdae’s loud annoyed whine.

Despite the nagging feeling that he should rest and let his body restore its strength, Baekhyun attempts to get down from the bed, albeit slowly; he never could stay still in place for an extended period of time what with how hyperactive he is. Which is why he finds himself perched on a comfy sofa, feet tucked under him as he gazes outside the window, squinting hard against the last rays of the sun assaulting his eyes. He watches the city light up as night falls, his room on the highest floor acting as an incredible vantage point, fingers absentmindedly fiddling with the small glass ball. The view is amazing but Baekhyun can’t bring himself to pay attention to the beauty of the Seoul city at night, as every corner of his mind is filled by the thoughts of a certain tall rapper.

He had pondered, warily and meticulously, leaving not one stone unturned, not one word nor act mulled over, again and again and yet, he still can’t conclude anything definite about Chanyeol’s intentions. Each time his mind finds a sign that hints at Chanyeol playing him, his heart provides him a ton of signs that indicate Chanyeol cares about him more than anyone in the world. And vice versa. It’s been hours with his mind and heart attacking each other, and Baekhyun still hasn’t come to a conclusion which justifies everything Chanyeol did, and it’s infuriating him to no end. He feels as if Chanyeol is playing with his heart even now, making Baekhyun try to make sense of his bizarre actions, which only adds to the growing exasperation.

Inspecting the flower, Baekhyun is suddenly reminded of the night in the park, more importantly, of Chanyeol and of how determined and daring he was. He hadn’t cared about how they were out in the open and that anyone walking by could have seen them, he hadn’t even cared about what an exposure such as that would eventually be led to. 

Baekhyun is certain that Chanyeol acted on that day entirely on impulse. An impulse so raw and fervent, as if it had been held back for so long and finally had escaped its clutches, bursting and desperate, if the eager way Chanyeol moved his lips against Baekhyun’s were any indication. Yet it wasn’t desperate as in he couldn’t get enough of Baekhyun; although there was that as well, it was as if Baekhyun was his source of water, of air, of life, that without him, Chanyeol would undoubtedly perish. But what struck Baekhyun the most was the subtle hint of fear under Chanyeol’s actions that night.

Baekhyun realizes it, from how Chanyeol’s hands trembled when he held onto his cheeks, from how his eyes shook when he gazed into Baekhyun’s, from how his voice cracked every time he spoke, as if he was on the verge of crying, of breaking down right in the middle of that park. Baekhyun realizes it now, the fear of loss, of rejection, that he was too late, it was all there, hidden under that fucking look that never even once wavered that night. 

But where was that fear during those seven months when Baekhyun was drowning in alcohol? When what Baekhyun only knew was to fly high on the feel only to crash back down? When Chanyeol was having the time of his life with Sandara and Baekhyun was nearing his doom? 

Where was that fear when Baekhyun needed it the most?

Baekhyun isn’t offered any time to dwell upon that as the door opens softly, interrupting his ponderings. He breaks the gaze at Seoul’s skyscrapers and turns his head at the door, a small glint of hope bubbling in his chest that it could be one of his friends; despite how guilty he feels. But his expectation proves futile, as he all but rolls his eyes when he notices his favorite doctor.

“Baekhyun! How’re you feeling?” An elderly, stout man with unruly black hair enthusiastically chimes as he waddles in, adjusting his glasses as they slide down his nose, probably for the hundredth time this hour.

“Not even the slightest different from when you asked me exactly an hour ago Dr. Kang.” Baekhyun plasters the most feigning smile on his face, his teeth on full display, yet the doctor chuckles. 

“Glad to see your sass is still intact, Baekhyun.” Dr. Kang teases, inspecting the IV drip Baekhyun’s left hand is attached to and the monitors, and cocks an eyebrow upwards at how Baekhyun had meticulously extended the leads so that he can reach the sofa without a hassle. 

“Guess I have to thank you for that doctor, you saved my life after all.” Baekhyun snickers as the doctor chuckles again with a hint of nervousness, his eyes darting everywhere except at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun doesn’t know what vexes him about this seemingly harmless old man, perhaps it’s the too wide grin, or the too much fussing over even the slightest of discomfort Baekhyun mentions, perhaps it’s the near panicked look in his round face when that happens, which Baekhyun is certain is because Dr. Kang tries too hard and worries too much. Whatever it is, Baekhyun hadn’t received any signs to convince him otherwise on his instant dislike towards his doctor, yet he doesn’t act too petty in his presence; Baekhyun actually cooperates with Dr. Kang and his too much fussing despite his uneasiness around the doctor.

Dr. Kang examines the monitors for a while, inspecting them to determine Baekhyun’s progress, though Baekhyun doubts if any progress shows as it’s only been an hour since the last time he was checked on. Yet he lets the doctor do what he needs to do as Baekhyun returns his attention to the glass ball, fiddling with the delicate thing. 

He remembers how uneasy and apprehensive the doctors and the nurses were when they had witnessed him with the ball, as if they were uncertain of whether they should let Baekhyun keep it or to take it away from him. He also didn’t miss how he was kept in the dark about his friends. He had stopped asking when he realized the only answer he was going to receive was _They’re resting, as you should be._ It had frustrated him to no end because if they weren’t going to let his friends visit him, the least they could do was tell him how they are or how they were during his coma and put his worries to rest. It had only made him realize that the doctors weren’t just mum on the state of his friends, but also about him.

Although he was certain the ghastly details would sicken him, Baekhyun was eager to know what had happened to him before he slipped into a coma, as Yixing had said that he had literally died; for two minutes. He was eager to know how the doctors managed to bring him back and how on Earth he managed to remain unconscious for nine days. He had questioned them of exactly that, as any curious back-from-the-dead person would do, but all he received was a nervous smile with the same words again and again.

“You should stop thinking too much and rest, don’t tire yourself out, it isn’t good for your heart.”

_His heart._

Something’s wrong with his heart. Or was. Even now, he couldn’t ignore the heaviness of his limbs nor the pressuring pain inside his ribcage which evoked horrifying memories of a dark void where all he felt was cold and pain until a comforting warmth came along. Where everything he underwent, felt real. And it _was_ real. Baekhyun had been convinced that all he felt while he was in his coma was only figments of his imagination but the same pain minus the cold remained. It remained because it was real. The pain in his heart was real.

“What-what happened- to me?” Baekhyun gasps out, heartbeat quickening and body seizing up as the dreadful memories come back, panicking at the horrid nature of everything he suffered. A thick blackness covers over his eyes and he immediately wraps his arms around his drawn up knees as he pushes himself more into the sofa, an instinctive action to protect himself against the terror that’s taking over his body. His throat closes up and he gasps for air, head ringing, and through the darkness, he faintly hears a rapid beeping before cold chubby hands reach his shaking form, frantic yet gentle.

“Baekhyun! Baekhyun, you’re having an anxiety attack, you gotta breathe, breathe come on,” Baekhyun follows the familiar voice in the dark despite the intense feeling of terror brewing in his chest, gasps heavy and forced, as he strangely feels both hot and cold from how much he’s sweating, his body unnaturally light. “There’s nothing to be afraid of my boy, it’s not real alright? Now let’s get you on the bed, alright? Come on-”

“No, no, no, I don’t wanna- leave-leave me alone, leave-” Baekhyun grits out over his ragged breathes, shuddering to fight against the chilly goosebumps wracking his frail form. 

“-no, no, I got it, I got it, just leave, you’re gonna make it worse. Baekhyun, we won’t do anything you don’t want to do, alright? Let’s just stay here, yeah?” Baekhyun weakly nods as the voice continues to soothe him, slowly untangling him from the dark arms wrapped around him and gently bringing him into the light. “What you’re feeling, it’s not real Baekhyun, you’re strong, you can fight it, I know you can. Just focus on my voice, Baekhyun, breathe, slowly that’s it, slowly, just focus on my voice, don’t listen to anything else, you’re almost there Baekhyun, you’ll be alright, just breathe, there you go.”

As the continual soothing words wash over him, Baekhyun slowly calms down, the rapid thumping of his heart gradually reducing to its normal pace after what feels like an hour. The blackness over his eyes fades slowly as his breathing clears, and he becomes aware of the solid round object clutched in his right hand, and with it, his sanity finally returns. Yet, he doesn’t release the tightening hold around his knees, only letting one hand remain as the other brings the glass ball close to his heart. Shakily he looks up, right into Dr. Kang’s terrified eyes and flinches back with a startled gasp. Yet the doctor sighs a breath in relief.

“What- what happened?” Baekhyun’s voice comes out throaty and raspy, and Dr. Kang immediately scrambles to his feet from where he had been kneeling to fetch him a bottle of water. Baekhyun accepts it gratefully, chugging down huge gulps of the refreshing liquid, still in his defensive position.

“You had a minor anxiety attack Baekhyun, it’s-it’s gone now but you’re not out of harm’s way yet, so it’s better if you rest, I’ll bring you-”

“No, no resting, I don’t- I don’t want any more rest, I want- I want-” Baekhyun stutters, breathing heavily, fighting against the fatigue weighing him down. The doctor moves to help him when Baekhyun carefully untangles himself and places his feet on the floor, shivering when his bare feet come in contact with the cold tiles, but he shakes his head, refusing the extended hand. “It was- it was horrible, the darkness, the cold, and-and _God,_ the pain. It was all because of what happened to me while I was out, wasn’t it? I wanna know. I want answers. I wanna know what-what happened to me.”

“Baekhyun, you’re tired, and you’re weak.” Dr. Kang utters, voice firm and patient but his eyes are anything but. “I’ll bring a sedative to help you sleep, we’ll talk about this tomorrow when you feel better-”

“What’re you so afraid of?” Baekhyun mutters barely audible but he knows the doctor heard it loud and clear, as he clenches his hands and looks down, head hanging in guilt and shame; and honestly, Baekhyun doesn’t know why it took him so long to realize it.

“Baekhyun please- you don’t need to know this, it’s for your own safety-”

“No, I’m done with people keeping shit from me.” Baekhyun grits out, anger bubbling inside his body. “’To protect me’, ‘for my own safety’, _fuck it,_ I don’t care. What did you do to me?”

Perhaps it was the near livid yet desperate look on Baekhyun’s face. Or perhaps it was because of his own guilty conscience burdening him because Dr. Kang exhales a deep sigh, apparently realizing he has no escape. Taking off his glasses, he rubs his forehead while breathing heavily and Baekhyun watches as the man gathers his courage to talk but not enough to meet his eyes. 

“By the time- By the time the ambulance got to you, Baekhyun, you were- dead.” Despite knowing that already, Baekhyun still shudders, inhaling shakily. “But the paramedics had managed to revive you in the ambulance while-while you were on your way here. You were alive, but barely, you needed a blood transfusion, and you needed it fast, and-and the lab, it had slipped up somehow and the blood we gave you, your body rejected it, so we had to pump it out. You went into cardiac arrest Baekhyun, and it was our- no, _my_ fault.”

To hear he died once? Baekhyun can handle it, not entirely so, but he would learn to cope with the fact that he actually left the land of the living, but to hear he flatlined twice? Baekhyun was not ready for that. It’s a terrible feeling, to know that death wanted him that much, that death managed to snatch him away, twice, in such a short time. But he’s here, Baekhyun is alive, and that terrifies him the most. It makes him feel as if he’s on borrowed time, as if death would come for him for a third time and perhaps this time, there won’t be anyone to save him.

“Your blood type was rare Baekhyun, very rare. That’s why the lab screwed up, they didn’t have blood that could support your type. We managed to get your heart beating again but we were losing you, and there was no time to contact anyone from your family, so your friends volunteered instead. A fool’s chance, if you ask me. But luck was on your side, because Park Chanyeol tested positive.”

_No._

No, it can’t be. Chanyeol would never-

“Chanyeol tested positive.” The doctor continues, oblivious to the chaos brewing inside Baekhyun’s mind. He’s frozen stiff with each and every word dumped on him, both anticipation and dread wrecking him from inside out. “But we couldn’t do that to him, it wouldn’t have been right, because he was weak, very weak. He could barely stand, let alone give you four pints of blood, it could’ve killed him too. But he insisted, I don’t wanna use ‘threatened’, but that’s exactly what he did, forgive me for saying. Even your CEO insisted, so we had to do it. Thankfully he managed to pull through.”

Baekhyun wants it to stop. The doctor’s voice, the beeping of the machines, the harsh sound of his breathing, he wants everything to stop. He feels his heartbeat quickening, his body sweating, he knows what would take over his body again, but he can’t afford to let that happen now. He pushes the annoying impulses away, because there’s only one thing frozen in his mind right now, and it’ll be for as long as he’ll live. 

He lives; breathes, talks, feels, literally lives, because Chanyeol’s blood is running through his veins.

Chanyeol, the man who Baekhyun had been convinced of being a heartless manipulator. Chanyeol, the man who played with his heart, who corrupted his mind, who broke his soul. Chanyeol, the man who disregarding his own life, offered- no threatened to give his lifeblood to Baekhyun, just so he could live. Even if it meant Chanyeol couldn’t. Chanyeol sacrificed his life for Baekhyun, and Baekhyun has never been in the middle of an internal battle between his mind and heart, so intense and violent, such as the one he’s in the middle of now.

He gasps when it all finally falls into place, everything Yixing said and everything the doctors didn’t say. All of the actions and words Baekhyun had been confused and perplexed about, he finally realizes it now. He understands the doctors’ uneasiness, the almost reverent manner he was treated and the guilt lacing their faces. He also understands the subtle clues Yixing dropped here and there, the words he stuttered over, the little knowing smile he wore, but-

 _“The guy almost died for you. I don’t think anyone would do that if they were_ just _playing.”_

“No he didn’t.” A statement, with not an ounce of doubt, the sheer certainty of it petrifying him to no end, but his mind is blank. Blank for nothing, except for an image of Chanyeol, lying on a hospital bed, body cold and motionless, eyes shut yet lips curled into a contended smile. A smile knowing that even if he is breathing his last breaths, Baekhyun wouldn’t, not yet. Baekhyun would live on. “He didn’t _just_ pull through, did he?”

One look at the doctor’s face is enough for Baekhyun. 

“Baekhyun, you have to understand-”

Dr. Kang’s attempts to justify his actions are interrupted by a loud crash and a heavy set of footsteps rapidly getting closer. Baekhyun flinches when a dozen or more voices shout out protests, followed by more footsteps, all of them gradually closing in and he has no doubt their destination is his room, as it’s the only room at the end of the long corridor, and the footsteps don’t seem to stop either. That is until the door to his room is forced open. 

Both the doctor and the patient shoot to their feet, gasping at the loud impact of the door banging on the wall and of course, at the person that comes rushing in. As soon as Baekhyun sets his eyes on him, the image of the cold lifeless body disappears from his mind, because it can never be more wrong. Chanyeol is right in front of him, alive and breathing.

Everything becomes silent and deafeningly loud at the same time. It’s overwhelming, the blood rushing in his ears, the pounding drum of his heart, the heavy breathing, and Baekhyun is too occupied on keeping his unwavering gaze on Chanyeol that he doesn’t realize that it’s his own breathing that sounds thunderous in his ear, nor does he notice the half a dozen pair of arms that grab Chanyeol from behind until he’s being dragged out the door.

“No! _Fuck!_ Fucking let me go you bastards! You-”

“Hey, no wait, wait! Let him go.” Dr. Kang interferes, probably noticing the sheer desperation and fear on Baekhyun’s face, and Baekhyun couldn’t be more grateful to the doctor, despite his actions had nearly led both him and Chanyeol to death’s doorstep. He sighs, body sagging in utter relief as the people behind Chanyeol release him, albeit hesitantly. Dr. Kang walks to the door, ushering the nurses outside and sends a smile towards Baekhyun with a hint of remorse underneath it. “We’ll give you two some privacy.”

As soon as the door closes Chanyeol strides forward, no doubt wanting to envelop Baekhyun in a bone-crushing hug but he stops. Baekhyun can clearly see his self-restraint from how veins protrude in his neck and how he clenches his fingers into tight fists, it’s as if he’s a too taut bow string just waiting to snap. Baekhyun appreciates the distance though, as he needs space to breathe and get his overwhelming emotions under control, he’s certain, one touch from Chanyeol, and he’ll break down. The distance gives Baekhyun ample space to inspect Chanyeol as a whole as well. And nothing Yixing and Dr. Kang had told him about how weak and frail Chanyeol was could have prepared him for the Chanyeol in front of him now. 

It’s a miracle he’s still standing upright, Baekhyun figures. His dark hair ruffled and greasy, face worn and ashen, his once plump cheeks sunken, the protruding cheekbones painfully visible. Even if a shiny twinkle flashes in his ever so expressive eyes, Baekhyun can’t ignore the hint of exhaustion, of frailty veiled under the twinkle. Chanyeol tries to hide it but Baekhyun knows him well, perhaps too well, or perhaps not too well as he thinks. The hoodie and the jeans Chanyeol is wearing seem too big for him, as they dangle around his limbs, drowning him and making him appear vulnerable than he already does.

“You- Baek, you-you came back.” Baekhyun flinches at the raspy voice, deeper than before as if he hadn’t spoken for a long time. Chanyeol licks his pale chapped lips once before speaking again, but the image of those lips; once rosy and plump, remind Baekhyun of the image of Chanyeol’s body lifeless on a hospital bed again making his body flare up. “I knew you’d come back to me-”

“Why’d you do it?” Chanyeol’s eyes widen at Baekhyun’s sudden blunt question, and Baekhyun doesn’t need to see or hear how his breaths become deep and heavy to know that Chanyeol knows what he’s talking about. “Why’d you save me?”

“Wha-” Chanyeol shakes his head in disbelief, lips trembling. “I should’ve let you die? Is that what you’re saying?”

“No, that’s not-” Baekhyun takes a deep breath to control his pounding heartbeat, he’s certain the heart rate monitor must be beeping rapidly right now but strangely he can’t hear it. He exhales shakily before looking up to stare right into Chanyeol’s eyes. “Why’d you try to save me when you knew it could kill you too?”

“Because it’s better me than you.” Baekhyun’s breath hitches when Chanyeol growls without a moment’s delay, the implication of it sending his mind reeling. “I can lose everything, Baekhyun, fucking everything, my career, my life, everything, but not you. _God,_ just not you.”

“Why?” Baekhyun hisses, tired of this game that doesn’t seem to have an end or a definite aim anymore. “Why’re you doing this to me Chanyeol? Is my life a game to you? Huh? I’m so fucking tired, of you, of the shit you’re doing, I just- I don’t fucking understand you. You say you hate me but you don’t act like you hate me, you treat me like I’m nothing for half a year and all of a sudden you go all crazy on me and kiss me and-and basically say you love me, but you’re engaged to Sandara, and now-now you do- _this,_ just- I can’t- I couldn’t do it anymore, that’s why I- Please Chanyeol, why-”

“I’ve been in love with you since the day we met.” Baekhyun freezes, the softly spoken words and the small smile on Chanyeol’s lips and the overwhelming look in his glassy eyes burning his insides as his mind desperately tries to grasp the implication behind the words. “Does that answer your questions?”

_No it doesn’t. Not really._

Baekhyun’s heart screams at him that it’s real, that Chanyeol has no intention to lie to him about something like this, not at a time like this. But his mind refuses. It warns Baekhyun to not fall into the tricks again, that Chanyeol is doing what he’s always done, play him. But it’s the look in Chanyeol’s eyes that makes Baekhyun end the battle between his heart and his mind. It’s real, too real to be feigned. The vulnerability, the sheer desperation, the fear that he’s too late, it’s all enough for Baekhyun to let his heart win over his mind, no matter how logical its arguments were.

“Then-then why?” It’s all he can gasp out, all he can do not to give into the intense prickling in his eyes. Even if Chanyeol said it, only a declaration of love isn’t enough to answer the ton of questions weighing him down, that has always weighed him down. Baekhyun’s lips tremble when he notices the first tear slide down Chanyeol’s pale cheeks.

“It’s a long story.” Chanyeol mutters, but Baekhyun can see that he’s more than willing to get it all off of his chest.

“We have time.” He softly whispers, an encouraging smile tugging at his lips to which Chanyeol smiles gratefully, nodding his head.

“Remember when I told you about my family?” Chanyeol mutters, voice low and shaky as if he’s holding back tears and bad memories. At Baekhyun’s curt nod, he sighs deeply, hanging his head and takes a few deep breaths before continuing. “Well, I lied, I-I mean it’s true my mom stopped caring about us and my dad was never home, but, it wasn’t because of his work. He uh, he left us, because- because he was gay. He had a boyfriend.”

Baekhyun’s mouth hang open in shocked disbelief as Chanyeol continues, ignorant to the sympathetic look Baekhyun stares at him with. 

“They used to fight you know, every fucking day. My mom never passed up a chance to remind him how disgusting he was, how he ruined her life- our lives, because she was scared I would become like him. It’s ridiculous when you think about it now, but I was about seven or eight at that time and seeing and hearing all those things, they kinda stuck, you know?” The sadness in his eyes in unbearable, even for Baekhyun. He blinks against the impending tears as Chanyeol continues, a faraway look in his eyes, dark memories assaulting him. “I was so afraid I would become like him, that I would marry a girl one day but would leave her for a man, and could you imagine how I felt when I found my friends _male_ friends more attractive than the girls when I was in high school? _God,_ it was hilarious now that I think about it. I panicked and tried to killed myself one day-”

“Chanyeol, what?” Baekhyun gasps audibly, instinctively bringing up a hand to cover his mouth, eyes wide in disbelief and shock. Chanyeol smiles sadly, nodding in confirmation before lifting up one shoulder in a half shrug. 

“Don’t worry, it didn’t work.” He smiles a teasing glint in his eyes, and Baekhyun wants nothing more than to slap that smile off of his face, body flaring in fury at how nonchalant Chanyeol acts for attempting to take his own life. He briefly wonders if this is how Chanyeol felt when he found Baekhyun in the bathroom that night. “From then on, I-I hated myself, I hated what I was, that I was my dad’s son, they were- they were some dark times but I managed to pull through. For years I kept those feelings down and when I was recruited by SM I knew I had to keep it that way forever, I wasn’t gonna risk my future like that. I was actually getting better, I was happy with the guys and then, you came. You came and it all went to shit.”

“I-I didn’t-”

“It wasn’t your fault Baekhyun. None of it was your fault, I don’t think it was mine either, I mean I can’t control who I fall in love with at first sight, right?” Chanyeol smiles when Baekhyun chokes on his spit, face warming up in the darkest of blushes and mind reeling with what he just heard. _Wait, that means-_

“It was- it was love at first sight for me too.” Baekhyun breathes and Chanyeol’s eyes light up, his lips forming a small fond smile.

“I know- I-I mean I had my doubts, you had a not-so-subtle way of showing it.”

“But you- You didn’t, not really.” Chanyeol’s smile falls at Baekhyun’s shaky voice, thick with emotions, cheeks painted with tears. His hands tremble, as if he wants to yank Baekhyun into a hug and wipe the tears away but he stays rooted to his spot, and Baekhyun knows why. Chanyeol thinks he doesn’t deserve to touch Baekhyun, at least not yet, not until he explains himself.

“I- I couldn’t angel, I just- I couldn’t. At first I actually hate-hated you, _fuck,_ I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He wipes a hand over his face groaning in frustration, but despite his words, Baekhyun can’t find it in himself to be affected. “I didn’t want these feelings but I couldn’t stop them either. I wanted an escape, and-and what I did- dating Sandara, I’m not proud of what I did, I never was, and I regretted it immediately, I still regret it, but it was the only thing I _could_ do. Guess it was a good thing it didn’t help.”

“Why didn’t it?” Baekhyun whispers, an internal battle with himself about how to feel about Chanyeol dating Sandara just to get rid of his feelings for him.

“Because even if I tried to deny it, to run away from it, I couldn’t change the fact that I was in love with you. And the more I stayed away from you, the more I wanted you.” Baekhyun wonders if it’s just him or if the temperature of the room really went up a thousand degrees. “I didn’t realize it at first, but Yoora kinda slapped some sense into me and, I knew I couldn’t live without you anymore. I wanted you, by my side, only mine.” 

It’s a strange feeling, to know that this whole time every one of his feelings were reciprocated, only, not in the way he wished for, but in a way that he never could’ve imagined.

“I was enjoying myself, with you, during that month, so much that I didn’t even remember I had a girlfriend until she called me one day and said that she wanted the public to know. I was gonna break up right then and there, but I slipped up, I told her about my feelings about you and that bitch, she uh, she started blackmailing me. Said she would expose you and me if I didn’t stay with her and I- I just couldn’t do that to you Baekhyun, I didn’t care about what would happen to me, I only wanted to protect you.”

“You proposed to her.” Baekhyun whispers, gulping around the limp in his throat, eyes shaking as the memories flash in front of them. “You had a ring around your neck and-and I heard her saying that you proposed to her even though you knew that she was using you.”

“Fuck, that lying bitch.” Baekhyun flinches when Chanyeol curses, gritting his teeth. “She lied Baek, I never proposed to her. I went to her one night because I wanted to end things, I wanted to tell you the truth even if you accepted me or not. You were in a rough shape during those months so I didn’t know what to expect but I wanted to try. To try to win you back. But I couldn’t do that with her hanging from my back all the time so I told her that I wanted out. But, _that bitch,_ she has a knack for persuading people, I’m not gonna tell you what she said, but it was basically about the end of our careers, not only ours, the boys, the company, and I just- I’m sorry but I couldn’t do it, I-I couldn’t put you through that. So I accepted it, the ring. But I gave it back when I ended things with her that night.”

Baekhyun can’t believe this. This is what has been going on this whole time? Chanyeol sacrificing himself to protect Baekhyun? He mentally facepalms at how stupid they were, and while he understands where Chanyeol is coming from, he chastises himself for all the stupid choices he made and the risks he didn’t take. He doesn’t dare imagine how it could’ve turned out if even one of them were brave enough to take a leap of faith; he doesn’t deserve it. Both of them were in love with each other but were suffering at different ends of their lives when they could’ve been in one, because of the foolish choices they made, for themselves and also for each other. Baekhyun flares up at the thought.

“I didn’t want you to suffer Baek, I wanted you to have a chance at having a normal life, but that wasn’t possible with me. I just- I wanted you safe, from me, from the company, from the public, everything. I only wanted you to be happy.”

“You bastard.” Baekhyun hisses through gritted teeth, shaking his head in disbelief, a small sinister smile playing at his lips. Chanyeol blinks his widened eyes in confusion. “You fucking bastard.”

“Baek, what-what’s wrong? What did I do?”

“What did you do?” Baekhyun repeats, voice low and dangerous, tears threatening to escape his eyes despite the anger enveloping his body. He pushes away the impulse to coo at the adorably terrified look on Chanyeol’s face because this is not the time. “You-you stupid lamppost of a jackass, you think you can control me like that? Who gave you the right to decide what I want with my life, huh? It’s mine! _I_ decide what’s best for me. All I ever wanted was you, just you, I didn’t want a normal life, I just- I didn’t want anything if it weren’t you. And you! Oh, you- I could just- _fuck,_ I hate you so fucking much you idiot, this-this whole time- _God,_ this whole time. You loved me this whole time- this whole time-”

Baekhyun’s rambling gets cut short when he’s yanked into a fierce embrace, bony yet strong hands wrapping themselves around his body, pulling him further into a familiar warmth. He only then realizes he’s crying, body racking with the force of the sobs he lets out, yet they get muffled on the broad chest his face is pressed into, the black material of the hoodie dampening with his tears. His cries only increase in intensity when he’s assaulted by each and every memory of Chanyeol looking at him with that look, the look reserved just for him. It’s overwhelming, the familiar scent, the warmth, the memories, they only spur him on to push himself further into the warmth, hands clenched tight, fisting Chanyeol’s hoodie.

“I’m sorry angel, _fuck,_ I’m so sorry-” Chanyeol chokes on a sob, the deep rumble right under Baekhyun’s ear. As heartbreaking as it sounds, it serves as an anchor for Baekhyun, a reminder that this is real. Him being in Chanyeol’s hands, encased in his warmth, his scent, knowing their hearts are aligned as one, this is not a dream or a hallucination in Baekhyun’s head. 

It’s as real as real can be. Yet it doesn’t lessen Baekhyun's frustration in the slightest.

“You broke my heart God knows how many times and all you can say is ‘sorry?!’” Baekhyun shrieks through the uncontrollable flow of tears; of joy or sorrow, he doesn’t know, hitting Chanyeol’s chest with his small fists, yet he knows too well that Chanyeol is weak, so against his better judgment, he doesn’t use much force. “You fucker, I killed myself because of you, _oh my God,_ I died. I died! And it was all your fault! I-I fucking hate you, you idiot. I fucking hate you so much!”

“I know, I know, I deserve it, but saying ‘sorry’ is the only thing I can do Baek, I’m sorry for that too, just- I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I’m sorry, angel, I’m sorry for everything.” Baekhyun can feel his left shoulder dampening from Chanyeol’s tears as he sobs into it, his long arms tightening their hold around his body, as if scared if he let go, Baekhyun might disappear forever. 

“I hate you.” Baekhyun breathes into Chanyeol’s chest, his sobs lessening gradually. Frankly, it’s all he can say, but both of them know it’s far from the truth. 

It’s further proved when Chanyeol chuckles lightly through his tears. He loosens the bone-crushing embrace and leans back, putting some distance between them, and hooking his thumb and index finger under Baekhyun’s chin, slowly lifts his face up until their eyes meet. Baekhyun doesn’t waver, keeping his gaze on the bloodshot yet still beautiful eyes as they stare back at his, gleaming from tears and the warm loving look decorating them. It’s as if he was here, in Chanyeol’s embrace all his life, the familiarity, the intimacy enclosing around their bodies like a thick comforting blanket.

Baekhyun has to fight another sob threatening to escape his throat when Chanyeol’s gaze falls on his lips, the memories from the park coming flooding back. He’s certain the exact same thoughts are running in Chanyeol’s mind, if the small fond smile and the rosy blush dusting on his pale cheeks are any indications. Chanyeol’s blush makes him wonder how much _he’s_ blushing; he figures it’s quite a lot since his face feels like it’s on fire. In fact, his whole body feels the same when his gaze falls from Chanyeol’s eyes to his lips, his heart thundering in his ribcage and he’s certain if his attention were even a bit diverted from all that is Chanyeol, he would’ve heard the heart rate monitor beeping like crazy.

“Baek,” Chanyeol whispers, his breath fanning Baekhyun’s flaming face as his hand holding his chin slowly moves to cup Baekhyun’s left cheek, hungry eyes still on his trembling lips. “Baek, can I kiss you?”

“You didn’t ask for permission the first time.” A smile tugs at Baekhyun’s lips when he mumbles, voice barely above a whisper. “Why’re you acting so gentlemen-y now?”

“I wanna do it right this time. I wanna do everything right by you Baekhyun.” Chanyeol’s thumb gently rubs over his cheek making Baekhyun sigh shakily. “I promise, I will never let you cry again, not because of me, not because of anyone. You’ve shed enough tears for me, I promise- I promise I won’t let them go to waste. Will you accept me this time angel? All of me?”

Familiar words. Yet dark memories don’t assault him this time. His heart doesn’t feel as if it’s breaking into a million pieces this time. His body doesn’t burn up in inexpressible anger at a disgusting betrayal this time. _This time,_ all he feels are happy memories filled with love, his heart slowly mending back together, his body burning but in sheer joy, in pleasure and in want. So much want that his mind doesn’t register the small nod and the whispered _yes_ until after they’re out in the open and Chanyeol is already leaning in.

His eyes flutter close involuntarily when the soft touch of warm lips press onto his, Chanyeol’s hand on his waist gently pulling him forward until there’s not even a hairsbreadth of distance between their bodies. The hand on his cheek burns as Chanyeol slowly starts to move his lips against Baekhyun’s and the sensation is exhilarating that Baekhyun doesn’t even mind how Chanyeol’s lips aren’t as soft and moist as he remembered, the chapped ones acting as a painful reminder of how much he has suffered these past few days, how he suffered for Baekhyun. But he pushes it away, far away, doesn’t let it cloud his mind because right now, they’re okay, right now they’re here, alive and happy. 

Right now, they’re theirs. Finally.

Chanyeol’s lips are addicting, and he’s a soft kisser unlike their first time, Baekhyun notes. He takes his sweet time, kisses Baekhyun as if he’s made of glass, as if he could break at any moment, gentle and careful, yet the hands holding him hold a power so raw and fierce, waiting to burst. The stark contrast sends a cold shiver across Baekhyun’s body, his lithe frame trembling in its secure hold, it makes him want to test the power Chanyeol is hiding. But this is not the time for that, there’ll be a time for that, he realizes. He’ll have all the time in the world to get to know Chanyeol from the very beginning. He wants to start anew, a new life, with only them together as one.

Baekhyun whimpers, face burning in embarrassment at the silly sound when Chanyeol gently bites his bottom lip, sliding his tongue over it to soothe the slight sting. He can feel Chanyeol’s smile against his lips, and in retaliation he hits him lightly on the chest, smirking when Chanyeol starts. The action earns him another bite on his lip, but Baekhyun isn’t given time to react as Chanyeol starts to suck on his lips, eagerly tasting them, and Baekhyun can only whimper out those silly sounds, sliding up his arms to wrap themselves behind Chanyeol’s neck. He can’t even feel embarrassed about them anymore as the sensation is extraordinarily pleasurable, desire prickling at his heated skin.

Their liplock ends too soon for Baekhyun, him whining out protests when Chanyeol places a lingering peck on his lips before slowly parting; albeit hesitantly, and leaning away. But Baekhyun doesn’t break the hold on his neck, uses it as leverage to push himself forward, chasing those addicting lips again. Chanyeol chuckles.

“Baek- _Mm-_ God, Baek, you gotta- Baek-” He lets out in between their kisses as he tries to keep Baekhyun still with his hands cupping his cheeks. Baekhyun pouts when Chanyeol finally leans away, pecking his rosy lips, breathing heavy and forced. “Baek, you gotta let me breathe baby-”

“Breathing’s boring.” Baekhyun grumbles after inhaling heavily to fill up his empty lungs as well, eyes still locked on Chanyeol’s swollen lips, glistening with sweat. True to his words, he didn’t even feel the need for air until after their kiss ended. Chanyeol chuckles, leaning in to kiss him again, lingering on his soft lips for a second longer, making Baekhyun sigh contentedly into the kiss.

“Believe me angel, I wouldn’t mind kissing your lips all day, every day, but we gotta breathe to survive, right?” Baekhyun rolls his eyes, fighting hard against his dark blush, glaring at Chanyeol who snickers in amusement. “Let’s just take it slow, alright? I don’t wanna rush this and lose you again, I lost you enough. Not again. Never again.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Baekhyun smiles holding onto Chanyeol’s hands on his cheeks. Slowly detaching them, he brings them together to place them right above his heart. He’s certain Chanyeol can feel the violent thrum of his heart under his hands, a solid reminder that Baekhyun is really here, alive and breathing, right in Chanyeol’s arms, not cold and motionless on a hospital bed, fighting to live. “This whole thing’s gonna take some to get used to and-and I can’t promise to fix all these problems, but we’ll try, ok? I won’t leave you, I won’t go anywhere as long as you don’t leave me. ”

Baekhyun wants time to stop. Or better yet he wants to save this moment, keep it locked in a safe, snug and secure, so that he’d never lose it nor forget it, so that he knows it’s safe and sound, because the weight of this moment, of the overwhelmingly emotional look on Chanyeol’s face, it’s too precious to forget. Warmth and adoration spilling out of his eyes in waves, lips trembling yet the grateful and relieved smile never faltering, hands quivering for a second before one of them shoots to Baekhyun’s back, yanking him close to his chest, the other never wavering its position above Baekhyun’s heart. 

The all too familiar sandalwood and citrus scent invades Baekhyun’s senses, leaving his body limp and snug in the protective hold and his mind blank to anything other than the feeling of home, that he’s right where he needs to be.

“I promise.” Chanyeol whispers into his ear, voice thick with emotion, and Baekhyun nods, fisting his hands in the hoodie as he hides his face in Chanyeol’s chest. Tears prick at his eyes from the indescribable feelings but the soothing circles Chanyeol draws on his back calm him, relaxes him so much that his eyes actually feel heavy with sleep, but they snap open at the next words Chanyeol mutters. “I love you angel.”

Baekhyun stiffens. His heart thunders as dread crawls up his body, making him shiver in the warm hold. Chanyeol must have felt Baekhyun’s change in posture no doubt, as he breaks the embrace to stare at him inquiringly, a hint of alarm lacing his eyes. Those eyes, ever so expressive, don’t lower the intensity of the storm brewing inside Baekhyun, not even the slightest. Rather it intensifies tenfold as his heart gets taken over by his mind, the damned thoughts clouding his senses. He curses his mind for conjuring those thoughts but even he; despite the despair rising in his chest, accepts the attempts of his subconscious to protect his heart.

“Chanyeol, I-” His heart throbs in pain at having to do this, but he can’t stop himself. “I meant what I said.”

“About what? Baekhyun, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” 

“That night. I told you I can’t love you anymore. I meant it.” Baekhyun closes his eyes, not wanting to witness the pained look on Chanyeol’s face, his own words paining him as well. “I-I don’t know how to.”

It’s true. After such a long time chasing after love, giving and letting love overflow in his heart, he’s exhausted; his heart is exhausted. It’s exhausted because no matter how much love it gave, love was never received to fill the space that remained. What it did receive were heartbreaks and pain; innumerable amounts of them at that, and his heart finally gave up as it was impossible to endure such a tremendous amount of pain. It finally gave up on love, as well as life. Baekhyun now knows what the crushing agony on his chest was since he woke up. It was the pain at the loss of something that used to reside inside it, the empty hollow throbbing in need of the familiar sensation; of love.

“Oh angel.” Chanyeol gasps, lips forming into a small fond smile, shoulders sagging in relief. Baekhyun is about to ask what the hell is he so happy about, but isn’t given the time to, as his lips are once again claimed by Chanyeol’s, moving ever so slowly, too slow for Baekhyun but it calms him. Calms his frantic thoughts that were all over the place and makes him focus on one thing and one thing only. The love Chanyeol pours over him with his kiss. 

“Chanyeol, I-I’m sorry, I don’t know how-” Baekhyun stutters as soon as their lips part.

“I’ll teach you.” Chanyeol interrupts, causing Baekhyun to furrow his eyebrows in confusion at the words, but Chanyeol smiles. “I’ll teach you angel. Let me love you like you loved me all this time. We’ll figure it out together yeah? Because I meant what I said that night too.”

“Wha-what’s that?” Baekhyun marvels at his ability to form words with his mind in so much turmoil at Chanyeol’s words. Chanyeol smiles and pecks his lips again.

“I’m never leaving you again angel. I’ll stay by your side for as long as you want me to. I’m not scared, not anymore, I’m here to stay, whatever it takes.”

Baekhyun feels like he’s about to burst with the overload of emotions and feelings, his heart and mind at war again. It’s difficult trying to hold onto a single thought, even forming a coherent thought because it’s too much. Too much happiness, too much contentment, too much bliss, too much of everything assault him, exhilarating him yet scaring him at the same time. But he doesn’t care. Despite what his mind is screaming at him, he doesn’t care. He can’t bring himself to care. Because Chanyeol is real, what he says, what he does is real, what he shows is real. And that’s enough for Baekhyun to try one more time.

One last leap of faith.

“Promise me.”

“I promise.” Chanyeol smiles, the same fond smile which reminds Baekhyun again and again that this is real. He smiles, slowly leaning into to capture Baekhyun’s lips in a soft kiss, the barely there press of those warm lips sending goosebumps all over his body. When Chanyeol leans back, his eyes are heavy with tears and so much love and adoration, the look Baekhyun fell in love with. The look that says that even if death came for Baekhyun again, Chanyeol will be there to protect him.

“Let me heal you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FUCKING SCREAMED!!!!
> 
> This chapter was too much for me but they're finally together YAY!!! and Baekhyun is not dead (u r welcome Vic :D )  
> I just realized they kiss too much in this chapter o_0
> 
> But this is far from over y'all. There are so many questions that need to be answered like...  
> >Who's Dara's mystery ex?  
> >Why is he so intent on saving Chanbaek?  
> >Whatever happened to Chanyeol's dad and his boyfriend?  
> >Where will Chanbaek go for their honeymoon?
> 
> Questions questions questions :((((  
> But don't worry, they'll be answered soon :)
> 
> See u in the next chap!!! :D


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A warm hand slips into his, snapping him out of his trance. Baekhyun lets his gaze fall to his hand, protectively snug and interlaced with Chanyeol’s fingers, exuding warmth, reassurance and comfort with just one touch. He looks up, his stare locked on the all too familiar loving look, as he smiles, seeing it mirrored on Chanyeol’s face, and he’s again hit by the realization that he succeeded in his love. He endured all the hardships, overcame the ones he thought he couldn’t, and finally emerged side by side with the love of life; the man who stole his heart, who loved him like no one else did or will ever do, who will never let go of his hand or his heart as long as he lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again we're back!!!

“You know he’s completely capable of feeding himself right? You guys don’t have to do it for him.”

“No one stopped _you,_ did they?”

“That’s a little hypocritical of you Chanyeol.”

“You’ve been treating him like a baby, why can’t we?”

“Guys, leave the poor guy alone, he’s been through enough. And he’s right.”

“Thank you Soo, thank you. See? Soo’s the only one who backs me up, true friendship right there-”

“He’s probably jealous because he can’t act all lovey-dovey with his boyfriend with us here.”

The look of utter betrayal on Chanyeol’s face is too hilarious not to laugh at, Minseok and Luhan doubling over in hysterics beside Baekhyun’s hospital bed while Kyungsoo smirks devilishly, wiggling his eyebrows at a pouting Chanyeol. 

_Boyfriend._

Baekhyun still isn’t used to it; the swarms of butterflies in his belly, the quickening heartbeat with the dark blush creeping up to his face whenever he’s reminded of the fact that he’s Chanyeol’s boyfriend, and Chanyeol his; not entirely so but still. It’s strange and foreign to get accustomed to on a whim, though Baekhyun suspects if he’ll ever be accustomed to it. The loving gaze Chanyeol regards him with, the lingering touches and soft kisses that send fiery sparks through his veins, the overwhelming love and affection Chanyeol makes him feel in his protective hold; it’s everything he’s ever dreamed of and more.

It’s been five days since Baekhyun woke up, two since he was allowed visitors. It had been an emotional affair with a lot of tears, soon followed by reprimands and lectures, but most of them had been lost on the sheer relief the members had expressed seeing with their own eyes that Baekhyun was alive and well. He was never left alone since then, the members making sure to leave him in the care of at least one of them, and although Baekhyun was grateful for the comforting company, the guilt was weighing him down like a ton of bricks. He was careful not to have let it be seen from his expressions or actions yet he knew that his friends saw right through him, thus they were watchful of their choice of words, cautious to not bring up the traumatic night or the events following the next few days, and Baekhyun couldn’t have been more grateful.

Dozens of concerts and fanmeetings had been cancelled, schedules pushed back, and the company had released a report of Baekhyun collapsing due to overworking and exhaustion, the issue of attempted suicide buried deep. Baekhyun doesn’t need to be reminded of the uproar the public would cause if the true nature of his admission to the hospital was leaked, what it would do to the group as well as the company, which doesn’t seem to be lost on the CEO either, since he had been thorough and meticulous with the hospital staff, definitely paying them off; Baekhyun is told, which brings another wave of guilt upon him for causing such trouble and worry to people who didn’t deserve it. 

“The doctors told me you’ll be discharged tomorrow.” Luhan quips happily, holding the plate for Kyungsoo to pick up pieces of fruit to feed Baekhyun who’s snugly warm inside his favorite onesie, occasionally taking bites of the pieces himself. It’s been long since he had gotten rid of the skimpy hospital gown and started wearing his onesies which Kyungsoo had quite thoughtfully brought. They’re sitting cross-legged on his bed, Minseok lying on the couch which isn’t occupied by a scowling Chanyeol. “We can finally get outta here.”

“Yeah, the dorm is a desert without you, and Chanyeol of course.” Kyungsoo turns to Chanyeol, feigning a wide smile which doesn’t reach his eyes, and Chanyeol responds by giving him the finger.

“I’m not gonna leave him, and no one can make me.” The rapper hisses, the deep voice sending shivers down Baekhyun’s spine as he hangs his head to hide the heat rising up to his cheeks when he’s reminded that Chanyeol actually means those words in another sense too.

“Chill dude, you gotta lay off that possessive side if you don’t want people’s attention. Some of them are already getting suspicious-”

“Are you blushing?” Baekhyun’s brain stops registering Kyungsoo’s words when Luhan whispers with a devilish smirk, face so close to him to avoid anyone else hearing it. He’s already had enough teasing as it is, him and Chanyeol both, but they never let him be; Baekhyun fears if they ever will.

“No, shut the fuck up.” Baekhyun hisses back, face rivaling a ripe tomato by now, as Luhan leans back, the annoying smirk still in place.

“-as far as the world’s concerned, Baek and I are friends. No one will know as long as we maintain that on camera.” Chanyeol counters in a childish tone, causing Kyungsoo to roll his eyes, the fork nearly stabbing Baekhyun in the nose in his loss of attention.

“I doubt you two could maintain _anything_ on camera, with your heart eyes and shit.” Luhan teases, popping a grape in his mouth, and Baekhyun groans.

“Yeah, like you and Sehun are any better. I think the word we’re looking for here is ‘bedroom eyes’.” He fires back, biting a grape himself tauntingly, and Luhan cocks his head, looking anything but affected by it.

“Look guys, what we’re saying is to be careful, both of you.” Minseok, who had been silent until now, chimes in, raising his torso and supporting his weight on his elbows to place Chanyeol and Baekhyun under firm stares. “It’s only gonna take one little slip up for everything to go to hell. So just- just lay low alright? And that goes for you and Jongin too.”

“What do Nini and I have to do with this?” Kyungsoo scoffs. 

“You guys aren’t that subtle on stage. A lot of people noticed on our tour.” Luhan tilts his head as if challenging to prove him wrong.

“But that’s Nini! I keep my cool, he’s the one who’s always staring at me like a lovesick puppy.” Kyungsoo argues, setting down the empty plate on the bedside table with a clank, irritated scowl doing nothing to hide the little red hue on his cheeks. Laughing, Baekhyun hugs him, cuddling him from behind.

“Quick to throw Nini under the bus, huh Soo? That’s low.” He mocks, earning a light slap on his thigh. “Wonder what he’d think if he knew, after everything he’s done to win you back. You’re welcome by the way.”

“Oh please, you just scared him a little. Chanyeol was the one who actually got through to him.” Kyungsoo retorts, rolling his eyes, as Baekhyun disbelievingly peeks from behind his best friend’s head to look at Chanyeol, who only shrugs in return.

“Well, what did you do?” Baekhyun inquires curiously, a bit irked by knowing that Jongin’s thick wall didn’t crack by his efforts.

“Nothing much, I just talked to him.” Chanyeol shrugs again nonchalantly, yet a twinkle shines in his eyes, giving away his smugness along with an innocent self-satisfaction. “I basically told him to get his big head outta his ass and go after what he wants before he misses his window. Otherwise you’re gonna regret your whole life for being too late and- and you’d live a lie trying to convince yourself what you did was right when it isn’t and deep down, you know it. And you’ll never know what happiness is, because you let him go when what you really should’ve done is hold onto him, no matter what came your way.”

Baekhyun doesn’t miss the way Chanyeol’s tone changed at the end or the passionate yet emotional stare he placed Baekhyun under. He understands Chanyeol completely, each and every word a painful reminder of what Chanyeol endured for years, but a faint memory, fading slowly but surely, because he won. He wasn’t too late for Baekhyun, he never was. Because deep down Baekhyun knows, despite everything, everything Chanyeol put him through, everything Baekhyun let himself go through, he would’ve waited. Baekhyun would’ve waited for Chanyeol. 

And now Chanyeol knows it as well. It’s his time, it’s his chance to heal Baekhyun, to hold his hand and be by his side in his battle, helping him fight his darkness and emerge from the minefield together, side by side. Because he knows Baekhyun would let him, let him guide him through the dark, let him be his light, trust him with his life to let Chanyeol complete the empty half of himself. Baekhyun would, God be his witness, he would.

If only.

“That became real sappy real fast.” Luhan quietly mumbles, mockingly widening his eyes as he sucks through the straw of his juice. Annoyed and blushing, Baekhyun punches him on his shoulder.

“Well, sappy or not, what he said worked didn’t it? Nini asked me out.” Kyungsoo points out nonchalantly. “What were you thinking threatening to cut his balls off and feeding them to the pigs Baek? Where on Earth were you gonna find pigs?”

“It’s the best I could come up with at the time alright?!” Baekhyun screeches, sending the four ungrateful twats into fits of laughter. Exasperated as he may be, it’s refreshing to hear the familiar laughter of his friends, happy and playful, after what feels like years. “Ugh, you have no appreciation for anything I do, do you? Some best friend I have. Maybe I should take my chances with Jongdae.”

“Oh no you don’t.” Kyungsoo taunts, turning around and easily tackling Baekhyun down to the bed, tickling him all over. The breathy laughter fills the room as Baekhyun writhes on the bed, trying to escape Kyungsoo’s evil hands, but it only escalates when Luhan jumps on top of them, effectively crushing Baekhyun under the weight, as they wage a full on tickle war with Minseok cheering and Chanyeol yelling on the background.

“Hey you guys! Guys stop! Get off of him, I’m serious, he’s gonna hurt himself.” Chanyeol looks beyond worried as he stands up from the couch, probably to march over to the bed and yank the assailants away from Baekhyun. His steps unconsciously increase their pace when Baekhyun indeed lets out a pained cry. 

“Hey, hey, hey, get off! It hurts!” Baekhyun shrieks through his hiccups, immediately removing the crushing weight on top of him. He inhales a deep breath; or tries to, choking on it as soon as he does.

“Fuck, I told you. Baek? Baek, talk to me, you ok angel?” Chanyeol’s hands reach him, frantic and anxious, fussing over his body as he gently lifts him up to sit on the bed. Baekhyun nods, breath heavy and labored, and his left hand which is heavily wrapped in bandages, still clutched to his abdomen as he keeps his head hung.

“Baek? Oh my God, should I get someone?” Luhan’s panicky voice is trembling, it immediately whips Baekhyun’s head up, face red and eyes teary, body still racking with uncontrollable laughter.

“That’s- _fuck,_ give me a minute.” Grinning, Baekhyun holds his hand up, his other hand covering his mouth to control himself. Chanyeol lets out a relieved sigh on his left and Luhan and Kyungsoo let out grunts of anger and start attacking him again, this time with punches, sending him into hysterics once more.

“You scared the fuck out of us you fucker! We thought you were dying!” Kyungsoo yells as Baekhyun turns around, curling into a ball to escape the punches landing on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to seriously!” Baekhyun shrieks through his laughter as Luhan and Kyungsoo yank him into their embrace, Minseok joining in as well. “It’s just- I’m sorry, it’s been so long since I’ve laughed for real like that.”

“Don’t do stuff like that you bastard. You gave us enough heart attacks as it is.” Minseok grits through his clenched teeth, punching one of Baekhyun’s asscheeks, causing him to let out a little yelp.

“Enough for a lifetime.” The unnaturally calm voice snaps his eyes open, looking up to Chanyeol’s face which seems to be a mix between worry, frustration and adoration, as he stands beside the bed, arms crossed across his chest, lovingly watching Baekhyun thrash around in the three’s hold; it’s a miracle the bed hasn’t broken down yet. Baekhyun smiles sheepishly still panting.

“Sorry Chanyeollie.” He quietly drawls, the nickname unconsciously slipping out, causing Chanyeol to break out into a huge grin, his eyes twinkling. The adoring expression twists his heart painfully, stirring something deep inside his mind, yet he doesn’t let his expression change. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Baekhyun whines, Chanyeol blinking in surprise at how fast Baekhyun changes subjects. “I’m hungry.”

“You just ate like a ton, what more do you want?” Luhan grumbles, cradling Baekhyun’s head on his lap as he peers at him from above. The upside down image of Luhan’s face pulls a snort out of Baekhyun.

“You ate half of it, so you don’t get to complain.” He sticks his tongue at Luhan who hums as if he’s deep in thought.

“True, but I blame you, you should’ve kept it away from me. You know I go crazy for fruits.”

“What do you want Baek?” Baekhyun hums in question as he lifts his head to look at Chanyeol. “What do you want to eat? I’ll get it for you.”

“No Chanyeol, its’ ok, I’m not that hungry.” Baekhyun smiles in assurance.

“You just said you are. It’s ok, it won’t take long, the cafeteria’s just downstairs. Tell me what you want.” Chanyeol presses on, and although Baekhyun contemplates on insisting that he isn’t hungry and in turn, lied, he pushes the thought away.

“Doenjang-jjigae.” Baekhyun smiles angelically, innocent hope pouring out of his eyes. “I want Doenjang-jjigae.”

“Ok, anything for you angel.” Smiling, Chanyeol whispers, and cupping his cheek, bends down to place a soft kiss on Baekhyun’s forehead, sending chilly goosebumps through his skin while his body heats up from the inside. Every single action or word Chanyeol does or says has love pouring out of it in waves and it’s overwhelming, it’s too much for him to be able to handle; Baekhyun doesn’t have the slightest clue how he’ll survive in the future. “I’ll be right back. Take care of him alright?”

Although the last demand; it sounded like an order if truth be told, was directed at the snickering three twats behind him, Baekhyun finds himself nodding, a serene smile gracing his face as he watches his boyfriend; again, not entirely so but still, shrug on his coat and disappear through the door, sending a little wave at Baekhyun. Still unable to drop the silly smile from his face, Baekhyun waves back, hand waving in the air long after Chanyeol is gone. Minseok, Kyungsoo and Luhan peer at him from the sides, complete and utter incredulity mirrored in their faces as Baekhyun puts his hand down and sighs dreamily.

“I think I’m gonna be sick, there’s only much sugar I can handle.” Luhan feigns puking causing Baekhyun to snap out of his dreamy state.

“Shut the fuck up Luhan.” He grumbles, moving back to lean against his pillows.

“Sweetie, you’re so gone for him.” Minseok shakes his head in disbelief as he goes back to his couch, lying down comfortably once again.

“I thought I made it quite clear-” 

“Wait, they don’t serve Doenjang-jjigae here.” Kyungsoo interrupts with his eyebrows furrowed in thought as he stares at Baekhyun.

“I know.”

“Wait, then why’d you-” Minseok scowls at him. “He won’t come back until he finds it.”

“Mhm, which gives us plenty of time to finally talk without him eavesdropping on us, because I don’t want him to hear what I’m about to say next. Guys,” The three scramble to get a close spot in front of Baekhyun with bated breath, eyes wide in anticipation as Baekhyun inhales deeply and bites his lips in nervousness. “I’m scared.”

Whatever his friends had been expecting, it couldn’t have been that since they blink in harmony, looking at each other before simultaneously settling their gazes on Baekhyun.

“I thought you were gonna break up with the poor guy or something, jeez, and right after you got together.” Luhan tuts, grabbing another packet of juice from the bedside table.

“Baek, what’re you scared of?” Minseok calmly questions, placing his hand on top of Baekhyun’s in a comforting gesture. “Are you scared this won’t last? That he doesn’t love you and trick you again?”

“No guys, it’s the opposite. I-” Baekhyun lets out a frustrated sigh, extremely irritated with the darkness invading his mind. _It’s rationality._ He ignores the recurring thought; if only he could ignore it until it ceases to exist. “I-I’m scared that _I_ won’t love him.” 

“Baek, what the hell are you saying? You’ve been in love with him since like, forever.” Kyungsoo argues.

“I know! I know! I do love him, I just-” Baekhyun groans, rubbing his temples. “I don’t know how to- I-I mean I want to, _fuck,_ I really want to, I just- _ugh,_ it’s complicated-”

“You’re scared of getting hurt again, aren’t you? You don’t wanna let yourself feel because you think Chanyeol might hurt you again if you do.” Minseok mutters, staring into Baekhyun’s eyes when he slowly raises his head, as if he can see right into his soul and discover all of his secrets. “You don’t trust him enough to love him.”

 _But I trust him, I trust him with my life,_ is what Baekhyun wants to say, yet his mind doesn’t let him, stops him from making any sound because he knows Minseok is correct. He might trust Chanyeol with his life, but he can’t yet bring himself to trust him with his heart, with his love. He’s suffered more than enough at the hands of his love who shouldn’t have let him suffer; yet he did so unknowingly, and now he’s broken and wounded, heart apprehensive to reach out yet desperate to be filled with that familiar feeling of passion he possessed for Chanyeol and Chanyeol only. 

But he’s scared. Scared because the wounds still hurt; literally and figuratively, scared because the wicked memories still haunt him, scared because he’s scarred, probably forever, scared because he’s not ready for change, although he had basically wished for it for years. 

He’s… not ready.

“I’m not ready.” He whispers, realization dawning upon him, wide teary eyes glued to his left wrist wrapped in bandages, the slight sting still present.

Is that what’s been holding him back? Is he not ready to have his heart broken again? Or is he not ready to love Chanyeol back? Or is that the same thing?

“He’ll wait for you Baek-”

“You don’t understand! I’m not ready!” Baekhyun cries, drawing his knees near to him to wrap his hands around them defensively. “I’m- I’m not ready, what if I’ll never be ready? What if _he_ thinks I’d never be ready? What if-”

“Baekhyun listen to me.” Kyungsoo interrupts his rambling by grabbing his face and lifting it so that they’re eye to eye, his hard stare mirrored in Luhan and Minseok’s faces. “He’ll wait for you, alright? You think he waited all these years, went through all that shit only to dump you when he finds out that you need some time to adjust?”

“But all he’s done is waiting.” Baekhyun counters, sniffing. “What if he gets tired of waiting?”

“That’s fucking ridiculous.” Luhan adds flatly. “You waited all this time and you’re not gonna stop are you? What makes you think he would?”

“Yeah, that’s ridiculous.” Minseok chimes in, nodding in agreement. “You just need some time to get used to it Baek, this is all new to you, we know that, he knows it too, and it’s going forward too fast, but he’ll understand if you told him you need to sort your stuff out. He’ll give you time, you just have to talk to him about it.”

“What’s wrong with me guys? I mean, this is what I wanted since forever, and now that I finally have it, I just feel so- _wrong._ ” Baekhyun hates himself for feeling this way, but he can’t help it, he can’t get rid of the unfamiliarity among the familiarity despite how much he tries. “Everything he does feels so wrong like something’s outta place, but I want him to keep doing it. I want him to kiss me, hold me, hug me, everything, but-but I want him to stop, so I can breathe for a second. This is too much, _God,_ it’s too much-”

“It’s normal Baek, I’d be surprised if you didn’t feel this way.” Kyungsoo utters in a comforting tone, nonetheless, it makes Baekhyun pout. “You’re so used to thinking that he hates you, and now that things are changed all of sudden and he starts doing these things, you can’t keep up with it, that’s why it feels wrong. But it won’t stay that way forever alright? Don’t worry.”

“Just give it time Baek, let him love you, and he will, it’s the little things you know?” Minseok adds, smiling. “He’ll understand, this is probably strange for him too, but he’s not gonna let you go anytime soon. Not after he almost died for you.”

“Will you stop saying that? I’m tired of hearing it all the time,” Baekhyun sniffs. “I don’t want him to die for me, Jesus, why would he even do that? I just want him to stay with me, by my side, _alive.”_

“But that’s why he did it, right?” Luhan quips merrily, sipping his juice. “Because he wanted you to stay by his side too, _alive.”_

Baekhyun finds himself agreeing because he _knows_ Chanyeol loves him, that the last thing he’d do is leave him after all they’ve been through, that he’d never forgive himself if something were to happen to Baekhyun. He definitely hasn’t forgiven himself for the past, for what he put Baekhyun through; it’s evident, in his trembling eyes when Baekhyun winces in pain while the nurses redress his wound or he’s given injections, in the slight hesitation of his hands before they touch him, hold him, gently and caringly as if Baekhyun might break with even the slightest touch. 

Baekhyun knows all of this, but apparently his mind isn’t ready to accept it just yet, it’s merciless, despite how much his heart begs, his mind doesn’t relent, and it’s beyond frustrating because he doesn’t want to wait; they’ve wasted enough time waiting for each other, now he just wants his darkness to die away already so that he can finally be Chanyeol’s without anything holding him back, without any fear, nor concerns, nor any apprehension. He just wants his life to be happy already.

“Do you-” He gulps, thumbs nervously fiddling with the hem of the sheet. “Do you think he’ll get upset- if-if I ask?”

“Of course he will.” Luhan quips immediately, and Baekhyun’s heart sinks. The dejected look must’ve been obvious on his face because Luhan rolls his eyes, huffing in frustration. “Because you talked to us before you did him dummy. You know how cranky he gets when someone keeps secrets from him, you should’ve told him the first chance you got.”

“You’re not helping you idiot.” Minseok deadpans, smacking Luhan at the back of his head and successfully making him choke on the never-ending juice he’s been sipping on, the sticky liquid splashing all over his lap as well as the bed.

He recovers from his choking fit soon enough, with Kyungsoo pounding on his back with an unnecessary strength. As soon as he does though, he glares at Minseok who had been cackling since Luhan choked as if he wants to choke _him_ to death, and realizing the danger, his laughter dies down, and hastily tries to scramble away from Luhan, but isn’t given the chance to. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun glance at each other as Luhan pounces on Minseok, contemplating on whether they should help the brunet or not, but ultimately they figure it’s better to not risk the wrath of a pissed off Luhan on themselves too, so they watch undisturbed from the sidelines, as Luhan sends the eldest into hysterical laughter.

“I didn’t mean it- _shit,_ I didn’t mean it I- I swear!” He shrieks as he wiggles around in Luhan’s surprisingly strong hold, curling into himself and flailing his arms around to block Luhan’s punches.

“I could’ve died you bastard.” Luhan snarls. Minseok should’ve known better than to mess with Luhan when he’s with food. “Apologize. Apologize right now.”

“Nah, never, it was- it was so damn funny.” Luhan grumbles when Minseok jests still laughing uncontrollably, moving on top of him to crowd him, the added weight and all the violent moving around causing the bed to shake and let out a sound as if it’s dying. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun get off the bed in an instant. “S-Stop! Lu, stop! The bed- you’re gonna pay- _fuck_ you’re gonna p-pay if the bed breaks down!”

“Bet you’d tell that to Jongdae in no time.” Baekhyun drawls with a smirk as he cocks his head mockingly, his previous worries forgotten at the opportunity to tease his friend. “Won’t be surprised if you’ve done it already, Minseokkie.”

“What do you mean?” Kyungsoo questions, confusion evident in his face, as well as in Luhan’s, the honey blond staring at Baekhyun curiously, his violent assault halted midway. 

Baekhyun stares at Minseok, the slight confusion which laced his eyes quickly fading away and being replaced by sheer panic, and if he could talk or move his arms right now, he would’ve screamed to drown what Baekhyun is about to say or would’ve covered his mouth until he had trouble breathing, but sadly, he’s still pretty squashed under Luhan. Instead he pleads Baekhyun with his eyes, and Baekhyun contemplates on what harm is in revealing their late night visits to each other’s beds, if according to Minseok, he and Jongdae aren’t dating, but takes pity on him in the end.

“Oh please, I’m not the only one who noticed how they’ve been eye-fucking each other, am I? No matter how much they deny it, they’re whipped.” If Baekhyun had concentrated hard enough, he’s certain he would’ve heard the relieved sigh Minseok let out when Baekhyun saved his ass, yet it doesn’t stop him from ungratefully glaring at Baekhyun.

“We’re not dating alright?!” He shrieks, throwing Luhan off of him, his glare flitting over the three smirking faces, their smug expressions falling when they hear the heartbreaking crack in his voice. “We’re not eye-fucking each other! We’re not whipped! And we’re not dating! How many times do I have to tell you fuckers he doesn’t see me that way before you believe me?!”

“No matter how many times you say it hyung, we won’t believe it, we _can’t,_ because it’s not true. We all know it’s not.” Kyungsoo mutters with a small smile, voice gentle, Luhan and Baekhyun nodding in harmony.

“Yeah, he may not see you that way, but you do, you’re gone for him.” Luhan wraps his arms around the eldest from the side, their previous mock fight long forgotten, as he lays his head on Minseok’s shoulder.

“We’re not talking about this, you hear me?” Minseok grits through clenched teeth with a scowl, eyes glistening and lips trembling, and anyone who had known him long enough is aware that he’s seconds away from snapping at someone. “We’re supposed to talk about Baekhyun’s problem, we don’t need to throw my nonexistent love life into the mix.”

“My problems can wait hyung. You know you can’t keep it in forever, right? It’s-”

“Baek, I appreciate you trying to help, all of you, but it’s no use, so just stop. Please.” Minseok mutters, dejected voice causing Luhan to hug him tighter.

“But hyung-”

“I got it!”

Baekhyun is interrupted by a booming voice, followed by the door opening. Having been so focused on Minseok, Baekhyun flinches at the voice as he turns around but relaxes when he finds that it’s only Chanyeol, struggling with at least half a dozen plastic bags, a tired yet contented grin on his face. 

“I got it, it wasn’t easy but I got it. Can you believe they don’t have Doenjang-jjigae here? This is like the must-have dish seriously. But I knew the diner right across the street had almost everything so, I practically ran there. I hope you’re still hungry Baek, you guys too, otherwise all of this is gonna go to waste.” The tense atmosphere in the room is lost on him it seems, as he walks inside and settles the bags on the stool in front of his couch, letting out a huge relieved sigh as he turns around to face the others. Yet the grin falls when he notices the grim expressions they were too late to hide on their faces; he hisses in belated understanding. “I missed something didn’t I?”

“It’s ok Chanyeol, it’s nothing important.” Minseok cajoles sweetly, a convincing smile hiding the sadness as he stands up to inspect the plastic bags, yet they all know better. 

It seems as if Chanyeol recognizes it too, as his previous cheerful mood disappears instantly, and he stares at Baekhyun with a questioning look to which Baekhyun responds by mouthing _Jongdae._ He’s well aware of Minseok and Jongdae’s situation to realization to hit him in that one word, and Baekhyun slowly shakes his head as he notices the knowing glint pass over Chanyeol’s eyes. Chanyeol nods, letting his lips break into a forceful smile, and goes to help Minseok in taking out the containers, leaving Kyungsoo to glance back and forth at the both of them with a puzzled look.

“Ok then,” Chanyeol announces, flashing a believable smile as he waves them over to the couch, yet Baekhyun can see how forceful it is; it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Come on, let’s eat.”

Despite having little to no appetite, Baekhyun lets Chanyeol feed him, blushing every time Chanyeol slides the spoon over his lips to gather the excess soup, and the only indication that Chanyeol is affected as much as him is the red hue painting his ears, which gives him somewhat of an indifference to the teasing snickers. It’s solely because he doesn’t want the food as well as Chanyeol’s efforts to go to waste, furthermore he doesn’t want to be racked with guilt if he did let Chanyeol’s efforts go to waste after lying to him and practically shooing him away to confess to his friends that he might be doubting his love. It’s not that he _is_ doubting his love for Chanyeol, it’s quite the opposite in fact, but with the tidal waves of apprehension and distress his mind is annoyingly flooding him with, it’s hard to find safe land. It’s hard to convince his mind to let his heart love again.

The ample amount of the delicious Doenjang-jjigae decreases in a remarkable pace, everyone except Baekhyun and Chanyeol probably wanting nothing more than to escape the awkward atmosphere. Minseok hadn’t left any chance for them to talk about Jongdae anymore, and although Baekhyun could see how much the eldest needed to get it off of his chest, he remains silent, the others following his lead, because everything has a proper time and a place, what’s more, Minseok needs to approach them of his own. They’ll gain nothing if he shut down after they force him to talk, thus they let him be, quite reluctantly so, as they listen to him raving off about the group’s activities which were certain to be packed after another week or so; he had a habit of ranting about whatever comes to his mind when he’s anxious, Baekhyun figures it was a mechanism he built to make himself calm down. 

True to form, it had worked to some extent by the time their odd meal had come to an end, the eldest restoring his usual happy-go-self; albeit somewhat, going as far as teasing Chanyeol not to break his streak on their last night in the hospital. While the three twats enjoy a heartfelt amusement from Minseok’s ambiguous words, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are left in a more awkward silence long after they were gone; after reminding him that they won’t visit him tomorrow, instead they’ll wait for him when he returns home, and Baekhyun mouths a sincere _Thank you_ to the three of them.

 

 

 

After the doctors had checked on him for the last time that night, performing their regular tests and repeating the recurring questions, Baekhyun had locked himself in the adjacent bathroom, forcing Chanyeol to go to the restroom down the hall to wash up for the night. He had been desperately in need of some time to himself, to gather his thoughts together and set his head on straight because come tomorrow, the simple yet comfortable life he had strangely gotten used to, comes to an end.

He takes a small shower, careful not to wet his bandages; they would be removed tomorrow, he’s going to miss the familiar weight of them around his arm, and moves to stand in front of the mirror, half naked in only his boxers, wiping his hair with a fluffy white towel. If he didn’t know any better, he couldn’t even recognize the person staring back at him through the mirror, his face; body overall, changed remarkably over the course of just five days. He had truly resembled a zombie after he had woken up from his coma, cheeks sunken and skin ashen, dark bags under his eyes; so dark and prominent that he’d feared if they’d ever fade away. He remembers the near panic he had felt after realizing that he had looked like that to Chanyeol the night they revealed their feelings to each other, but fortunately, he had been quick to dismiss it recalling that Chanyeol’s appearance was the same if not a bit worse.

They both have improved since then, mostly because; if Baekhyun were to be cheesy, they had each other, alive in their arms. Looking at the mirror now, Baekhyun is hit by a strange sense of déjà vu of the night when everything went to hell. He’d gotten rid of his alcohol addiction and regained the healthy appearance after much effort only to lose it just that night; Baekhyun marvels at the brief amount of time that had passed since then, when it strangely feels like years ago. It’s a relief that he doesn’t have to dwell upon those dark times anymore, the memories only but a smudge that will eventually fade away, not entirely; it’s near impossible to completely forget such a dark period of his life which eventually led to his happiness, finally. But he now has Chanyeol and his friends to replace the nightmares with bright hopes and dreams, his family waiting back at the dorm to welcome him with open arms. Which terrifies to him to no end.

Just within five days, Baekhyun had gotten accustomed to his life in the hospital, excluding the daily checkups and the medicine, he had been enjoying the simplicity, the freedom; as much as freedom he could receive inside a hospital. He had forgotten about his responsibilities as an idol, as a lead singer in his group, as a son; although his mother had been there remind him of that. He was enjoying himself with Chanyeol, with his friends during their occasional visits, it was as if he had been taking a break from his busy and complicated life, deluding himself that the fantasy world he had created would go on forever. Yet he had been struck with the harsh truth that he would have to leave his fantasy and reenter the reality when he had watched Chanyeol packing his stuff inside a small bag, only laying out his favorite onesie and a pair of boxers for the night, the final night. They’re going to leave, they’re going home tomorrow, and he’s going to have to face all the responsibilities and the consequences of the actions he had committed sooner or later, and Baekhyun wants nothing more than to slip into another coma to escape the inevitable.

But he knows he has to face it, he can’t ignore it forever, but he doubts if he’d have the strength to cope with it, to withstand the harsh winds that are sure to be blown his way.

“Baek? You ok in there?” Chanyeol’s anxious voice reaches him, snapping him out of his ponderings, and only then he realizes that he had been inside the bathroom for longer than considered normal. “Baek?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, I’m just-” Baekhyun calls out, rubbing the mirror to clear it of the condensation that had thickened during the time he was lost in thought and splashing a handful of water on his face. “Just give me a minute.” 

Baekhyun doesn’t hear Chanyeol’s response in his haste to put on the onesie, almost slipping on the wet floor. He brushes his teeth quickly, cleans his mouth with the mouthwash and places the toiletries inside a Ziploc bag before glancing around the small room to see if he missed anything, and taking in a huge breath, unlocks the door and steps outside.

First thing he notices is Chanyeol is arranging the couch he usually sleeps on, second is that he’s wearing a black tank top and a loose pair of sweatpants; although Baekhyun strongly reckons the tank top should’ve been noticed first. His toned muscles are deliciously on display, flexing every so often when he goes about patting the couch down. His dark hair is wet, no doubt he got out of a shower himself, and even though Chanyeol is turning his back to him at the moment, Baekhyun is sure tiny droplets of water are running down his face, because Chanyeol never wipes or dries his hair properly.

“Hey.” Sensing Baekhyun, Chanyeol turns around and flashes him his goofy smile, and Baekhyun returns it with a more bashful one of his own, face heating up.

“Hi.” Clearing his throat to get rid of the awkwardness, he walks over to his bag on the other couch and thrusts the Ziploc bag inside, patting his warm cheeks in a desperate hope to lessen the blush.

It’s the sixth night they’re spending together in the same room, not even ten feet between them, but the initial awkwardness and uneasiness still unnerve him greatly. And if Baekhyun hadn’t caught his reddened ears and the way he often fiddles with his fingers, thus giving away his tension, Chanyeol would’ve appeared the least uneasy person in the room. Baekhyun is certain Chanyeol tries hard to hide it to not worry Baekhyun or to not make him more uneasy, and while he appreciates the concern, he would’ve greatly preferred it if Chanyeol talked to him; as in really talked. Not the _’Do you need anything?’ ‘Let me help you with that.’ ‘I’ll do it for you.’_ but an honest heart to heart conversation about the next step, their future, plans for their life. Instead it’s silent and awkward, and Baekhyun is suffocating. 

Perhaps it’s partly Baekhyun’s fault, as he has every opportunity to approach the subject, to initiate the conversation, yet he feels if he did so, it might appear too straightforward and eager, and he doesn’t want Chanyeol to think of him as desperate and impatient, that they’re moving too fast in such an early stage of their relationship when frankly they haven’t even put on a label on what they are. Baekhyun doesn’t care much about labels and he knows where he stands in Chanyeol’s heart, and Chanyeol in his, but he reckons that if they actually sat down and talked like the night five days ago, it would’ve settled the brewing restlessness and discomfort in his heart, also in Chanyeol’s.

“You need anything before we go to bed?” 

There it is again. The caring and kind gesture. If feels as if Chanyeol is there to look after him, to serve him, and while the thought is appreciated, Baekhyun doesn’t want Chanyeol to feel obliged to take care of him. He doesn’t want the regret and guilt to drive him into caring for Baekhyun which he knows is the exact situation that’s taking place. Instead he wants Chanyeol to care for him because he loves him, because he loves him for him; the broken and wounded self which is slowly healing, not the happy quirky self before everything went to hell. Baekhyun feels as if Chanyeol is trying to bring back his former self, to resolve his guilt by restoring the old Baekhyun, but the fact that it’s impossible without accepting everything there is to Baekhyun, including what he is now, seems to be lost on him.

“No thanks Chanyeol, I’m good.”

Short and curt; almost stubborn. It’s always the same, except when they’re with their friends when they’re mutually participant in the joking and teasing, but when they’re alone, just the two of them, it’s unbearable. Baekhyun internally laughs at himself, because this is not what he had envisioned what they’d be after they get together. He wants them to be best friends who tell each other everything and mock-fight over the slightest things only to kiss and make up in the next minute. He wants them to be lovers who kiss and hug and hold each other without any reason, spontaneously surrendering to their feelings which they don’t have to hide or hold back anymore. What he doesn’t want is them to be practically strangers despite knowing everything about each other, nervous and timid in everything they do as if they’re in high school again.

Climbing on the bed, Baekhyun crawls inside the covers and mumbles a quiet _Good night_ to Chanyeol who returns it just as quietly before he settles down on his couch. The hospital had provided him a room to stay the nights when he had insisted he needed to be near Baekhyun, but again he had insisted that it’s not near enough, thus the doctors had been persuaded; quite reluctantly so, into letting him stay in Baekhyun’s room. It had been a blessing on most parts, but Baekhyun yearned for loneliness when he could just _think_ without Chanyeol invading his every sense. It’s nearly impossible to properly gather his thoughts knowing that Chanyeol is not but ten feet away from him, furthermore it’s impossible because his every thought revolved around the dark haired rapper.

The room is dark, but not entirely so, the light in the hallway is pouring into the room through the glass in the closed door, and the dimmed light is enough for Baekhyun to notice the small glass ball on the bedside table, the rays of light reflecting off of it, bathing the delicate flower in breathtaking sparkles. 

Extending his hand, Baekhyun gently picks it up, the glass cold on his fingertips, but it warms his heart as it does every time he lays his eyes on the flower. Despite how trivial it would seem, the cherry blossom signifies a deep connection and value to the both of them, as does the effort and thought Chanyeol devoted into securing the flower, where it will lay safe and sound. Baekhyun is certain Chanyeol used some sort of preserving chemical because the flower hasn’t lost its vibrancy in the slightest to this day, instead it almost seems as if it’s becoming livelier and more radiant as the days pass. It’s astonishing how such a trifling thing could hold so much significance to two lives; Baekhyun smiles as he holds the ball closer to his chest.

Baekhyun isn’t aware of how much time passes, or how much he thrashes around, the rustling of the sheets too loud in the otherwise silent surrounding. No matter how much he tosses and turns, he can’t seem to find a comfortable position, constantly coming up with a discomfort; as in the spot being too cold or too warm, or the light bothering his closed eyes. He sighs long and drawn, giving up his futile attempts and lying on his back, and stares up at the ceiling, cursing his mind for supplying him unwelcome trains of thoughts to dwell upon and disturbing his much welcomed sleep. Baekhyun nearly forgets that he isn’t the only one in the room until a sleepily deep voice breaks the silence.

“Baek? You awake?” Baekhyun startles at the sudden disturbance of the quiet room, yet composes himself promptly.

“Yeah, can’t sleep.” He whispers, knowing well that Chanyeol can hear it.

“Me neither.” Baekhyun wonders what kinds of thoughts might be running through Chanyeol’s mind for his sleep to abandon him as well; he’s normally a deep sleeper and he falls asleep swiftly. But he isn’t given the chance to inquire. “I’m scared.”

“Scared? Of what?” 

“I’m scared to go back home tomorrow.” Chanyeol mumbles, and Baekhyun’s breath hitches. “I forgot what it’s like out there, in the real world, and I just- I don’t know, I don’t wanna face it I guess. I’m scared that all of this might change when we leave.”

How extraordinary is it that both of them have the exact same thoughts? Baekhyun hadn’t even thought to consider Chanyeol being haunted by the same thoughts as his, that he might be scared to leave their little fantasy world as well. But it would seem as Chanyeol is in fact scared; scared of responsibility, of facing the consequences of his actions, and scared of change. Things are definitely going to change after this, in the dorm, in the group, in their lives, and they should embrace them without subjectivity because it’s the ultimate harvest of the seed they planted together that fateful night. And it’s inevitable of course, despite their distaste of what’s to come they can’t avoid it.

Baekhyun hesitates for a moment, contemplating whether he should do this or not. He shuts his mind off for now, blocking the _rational_ reasoning it screams at him and instead regards his heart, because he knows that he needs this, so does Chanyeol. It’s not too straightforward or eager, nor is it desperate rather it’s a comforting gesture, an intimate action to ease the tension and discomfort that had been tormenting them. Thus, before he could second guess his thought, Baekhyun smoothly gets down from the bed, and before Chanyeol could even sit up in haste, he moves to stand beside his couch, the glass ball clutched in one hand and the sheet dragging on the floor from the other; he’s grateful for the dimmed light because he doesn’t need a mirror to know how hard he’s blushing right now.

“Scoot over.” He mutters to a disoriented Chanyeol who’s sat up on the couch, confusingly staring at Baekhyun as if he materialized out of thin air. The confused expression doesn’t last for long, as he smiles in realization and slides closer to the edge rather than the back and flicks his head to the empty space beside him. “I said scoot over.”

“You might fall if you stay close to the edge, I know how much you wriggle around.” Chanyeol cocks his head teasingly and Baekhyun smiles, because no way in hell would Chanyeol let him fall. “Come on.”

Still smiling, Baekhyun places his foot on the couch and lifts himself up, slowly moving to the empty space, mindful not to step on Chanyeol, the dark haired boy graciously helping him to settle in and arranging the two sheets over them so that they’re well snuggled in and warm. The couch isn’t any larger than the regular ones, but it’s spacious enough to hold them both with only inches between their bodies, Chanyeol’s familiar scent invading his senses, and if Baekhyun wasn’t blushing before he definitely is now, cheeks aflame and body flushed; perhaps this wasn’t a good idea after all.

“We could move to the bed.” Chanyeol suggests, voice low and hushed, causing Baekhyun to lift his eyes to Chanyeol’s face from where they had stubbornly settled on his exposed collarbone. Baekhyun chuckles.

“You should’ve said that before I settled down here. I’m comfy, I don’t wanna move now.” He mumbles, wiggling a bit and clutching the sheet in one hand under his chin, the other holding the glass ball placed between their faces. Chanyeol notices it, and looking up at Baekhyun in slight hesitation, he delicately places his hand on Baekhyun’s, effectively shielding the ball, trapped between their left hands. The warmth makes Baekhyun’s breath hitch, his heart running a mile a minute, his gaze never wavering from their intertwined hands. “I’m scared too you know.”

“Of tomorrow?”

“Of the future. The world outside that door. It’s funny isn’t it?” Baekhyun scoffs with a smile. “People can’t wait to get out of hospitals, and I don’t wanna leave. It’s weird but this became like a fantasy world for me you know, no responsibilities, no duties, no consequences, just- just the two of us. I wish I could stay here forever.”

“We can’t angel, we have to go back to our lives.” Chanyeol whispers sympathetically, and Baekhyun nods, eyes down and dejected. 

“What do you think will happen?” Baekhyun asks, his voice shaky and vulnerable, so timid that Chanyeol’s hand tightens reassuringly around his.

“Well, we won’t get kicked out of SM, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Chanyeol flashes an encouraging smile, trying to reduce Baekhyun’s uneasiness which works as his lips spread into a small smile. “The public doesn’t know what happened so there’s no problem there, but we’re gonna have to give an explanation to Mr. Lee.”

“But we can’t tell him the truth. He can’t know, he can’t-” Baekhyun gasps, shaking his head, eyes frantic, and Chanyeol using their intertwined hands, yanks Baekhyun closer to him, their noses brushing together, which effectively shuts Baekhyun up. 

“Calm down baby, alright? I know we can’t tell him the truth, so we have to make something up, something believable.” He mutters softly, bright eyes willing Baekhyun to relax, which is a difficult feat when their lips almost touch when they speak. “But don’t worry ok? I’ll handle it, you don’t have to do anything.”

“Chanyeol, it’s my mess, I should be the one handling it.” Baekhyun counters, sighing. “It’s ok, I’ll come up with something.”

“I already have.” Baekhyun’s eyes widen when Chanyeol chuckles, his hold on Baekhyun’s hand tightening as he stares at him, eyes twinkling. “So why don’t we do it together?”

“Together? Chanyeol I-” Baekhyun cuts himself off when realization hits him. 

It’s true the outcome is inevitable, it’s true that he has to face the consequences, but what he had been terrified of, what had made his knees buckle and the floor to sway beneath his feet, is facing it alone; is withstanding the harsh winds blown his way alone. It’s only reasonable as he’s the one who hurt himself, who slit his own wrists leading to his death, but all this time while he’s been reflecting upon his mistake, dreading the future, he forgot the one person who has been with him, by his side, this whole time. 

Chanyeol was there to save Baekhyun from death, twice, he was there when he was unconscious, never leaving his side, he was there since Baekhyun woke up, by his side. But it’s what people who love each other do, isn’t it? They stay together until the end, side by side, sharing happiness as well as sorrow, resolving problems and facing the future together. _Together as one._ He doesn’t have to cope with it alone, he has Chanyeol; they have each other to endure the harsh winds with confidence.

“Together. I like the sound of that.” Baekhyun smiles, bright and content, Chanyeol mirroring it as well before his gaze slowly falls on Baekhyun’s lips.

It feels as if the world beyond the two of them fades away, Chanyeol’s gaze burning his skin; in a good way though, yet it’s overwhelming, and the proximity isn’t calming down the warmth spreading through his insides either. Baekhyun had almost felt deprived these past few days, deprived and longing for the press of Chanyeol’s hot lips on his own, the imprint of his warm hands on his skin, deprived because Chanyeol’s kisses never reached his lips after that night, it was either on the back of his hand or the forehead, rarely on his cheek. It was as if he took the _‘Let’s take things slow’_ a little too seriously. Baekhyun knew that it was Chanyeol’s way of giving him space, of letting him feel comfortable and at ease, but sometimes Chanyeol’s consideration was too much.

Nonetheless, it seems that Baekhyun wasn’t the only one deprived as the look in Chanyeol’s eyes can only be recognized as pure want, his gaze heavy and unnerving. And it isn’t long before he gives into it, slowly leaning in until their breaths are hot and heavy against each other’s lips, almost as if they’re playing, before Chanyeol finally presses his lips onto his, their eyes fluttering shut. 

They’re just as warm as he remembers, and soft as well, his lips tingling with the beginning of the sparks that are sure to run aflame through his body. The feeling is all too familiar and pleasant, just the soft press of their lips, but it’s over all too soon as Chanyeol backs away. Confused, Baekhyun opens his eyes to find Chanyeol avoiding them, biting his lips as if in nervousness as he chuckles uneasily.

“Sorry, I-I’m just uh, sorry, I didn’t mean to, I-I’ve been wanting to do that since like forever, but I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry-” Chanyeol rambles, still avoiding his eyes, and Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows in confusion as to why Chanyeol is apologizing for a kiss, but Chanyeol answers it without Baekhyun needing to voice it. “I-I know I wanted us to take things slow but- _fuck,_ it’s not easy. Every time I see you, I just wanna push you against a wall and kiss you like crazy but I can’t, not yet, because I know you’re not used to this yet, and you’re not that comfortable around me, and I get it. I get it Baek but-”

“Yeol, fucking stop thinking for a second and kiss me already.”

Baekhyun doesn’t let Chanyeol ramble on further as he crashes his lips against his, moving hotly as he cups Chanyeol’s cheek with his right hand and brings him closer. Chanyeol goes rigid beside him but only for a moment before he reciprocates just as passionately, and although a slight hesitation laces his actions, he’s quick to overcome it as he takes the lead, moving closer to Baekhyun. Yet it again comes to an end too soon, Chanyeol breaking their lip lock with a wet smack and leaning back. Opening his eyes, Baekhyun whines in protest but only until Chanyeol lets go of their intertwined hands that were uncomfortably laying between them and swiftly but gently placing the glass ball on the stool that had been pushed aside. As soon as it’s out of the way, Baekhyun yanks Chanyeol closer with his hands clutched in his tank top and crashes their lips together once more as he lays down, pulling Chanyeol down with him.

It’s desperate and frantic, fiery sparks erupting from where they’re connected, sizzling and crackling in the air around them, soft whimpers and the rustling of the sheets filling the room. Baekhyun’s whimpers intensify when Chanyeol’s tongue gently prods at his closed lips and before he even registers what he’s doing, Baekhyun opens his mouth slightly, letting Chanyeol’s tongue enter. His hands slide up to Chanyeol’s hair, the grip on the soft strands tightening whenever their tongues meet, white hot pleasure flowing inside his veins as he writhes under Chanyeol, body pliant and mind numb. Chanyeol’s hands travel all over his delicate body, the touch gentle and tender yet trembling with raw power as he ravishes his mouth without mercy, and Baekhyun is certain he will never hate his favorite onesie more than he does now. 

It’s only when Chanyeol breaks their intense lip lock to kiss along his neck does Baekhyun take a deep breath, chest heaving heavily to take in much needed air, as Chanyeol mouths along his collarbone, sucking on the smooth skin.

“Wait, Yeol, _ah, fuck-”_ His thoughts escape him when Chanyeol sucks hard on a particular spot under his jawline, making stars explode behind his closed eyes, and he moans, loud.

“Shh, baby.” Chanyeol chuckles against his skin, kissing up his neck until he reaches Baekhyun’s lips and claims them again, albeit gently this time, swallowing up Baekhyun’s whimpers as they move against each other, no haste in their actions. Placing a small peck with a wet sound, Chanyeol backs away, lips swollen and glistening as Baekhyun looks up at him, eyes hooded and panting heavily. “You’re gonna make it worse.”

It’s only then does Baekhyun realize how suggestive their positions are; Chanyeol on top of him, one hand holding him up so that he won’t crush Baekhyun under his weight as the other grips his hip. It wouldn’t be such a provocative image, if it weren’t for Chanyeol having comfortably placed himself between Baekhyun’s legs, their half hard lengths pressed together through layers of cloth, but it’s unmistakable. Baekhyun’s jaw drops.

“Jesus _fucking_ Christ.” He gasps, blushing madly, as he tries to wiggle out of the compromising position, but Chanyeol holds him tighter, rendering him immobile. “When did that happen?”

“You’re a wild little thing Baek.” Chanyeol smirks, which earns him a playful slap on the shoulder. “I think it’s better to stay like this until these die down.”

“Oh God, this is embarrassing.” Baekhyun whines, covering his heated face with his hands in a desperate attempt to escape the humiliating situation, yet Chanyeol’s hands are quicker as they pull them apart, revealing a pouting Baekhyun. Chanyeol chuckles softly before pecking his lips, successfully replacing the pout with a smile, which grows into a breathy laugh in no time as Chanyeol kisses along his jawline. “Stop it Yeollie.”

“What? It’s cute.” Chanyeol coos, making Baekhyun scoff, still giggling.

“ _This_ is cute?” Sporting a feigned thinking expression, he wonders, gesturing to their lower halves, their half hard erections, yet to die down. “You were practically dry humping me and you call it cute?”

Chanyeol smirks, wicked and playful. And before Baekhyun could even recognize the mischievous glint in his eyes, Chanyeol grinds down hard, rubbing their clothed lengths together, and completely caught off guard, Baekhyun chokes on a moan; a very loud moan.

“Huh. Now if that wasn’t cute.” The smirking bastard teases, cocking his head mockingly, and Baekhyun glares daggers at him; at least he tries to, what with half of his attention on his throbbing erection and the other half desperately trying to keep the furious blush down. “It’s good to know that I have this effect on you.”

“You fucker, I should just-” Scowling, Baekhyun cuts himself off, unsure of what he should choose to do; punch the smirk out of his face, or kiss the hell out of those irresistible lips. Before long, the irrational part of his mind makes his choice for him. “Come here.”

Baekhyun can literally feel the cheeky smirk pressed against his lips as they kiss wetly, rough and wild, it irks him to no end, thus he bites Chanyeol’s bottom lip, hard. He revels in the pained hiss, smirking himself, as his fingers thread through the silky locks, pulling him closer, closer, until Chanyeol is flushed against him, chest to chest. Despite how close they are, Chanyeol is careful not to grind down on him again, though Baekhyun can feel how much he’s holding back from the trembling of his hands. His left hand slides under Baekhyun’s head and tilts it slightly, Baekhyun whimpering at the deep angle as Chanyeol sucks on his tongue, praying to the Gods to give him strength to ignore the burning imprint of Chanyeol’s right hand on his upper thigh; unfortunately, it’s impossible. 

Baekhyun is certain he would’ve exploded if he hadn’t stopped the kiss when he did, the white hot burning in his veins unbearable and almost painful. He pants as if he had been starved of air for hours, eyes shut as he gathers his bearings, and he almost curses Chanyeol for acting so nonchalant, who’s chuckling at his state as he licks Baekhyun’s lips, biting them gently every so often.

“Remind me why we didn’t do this before.” Baekhyun gasps at a particular hard bite, Chanyeol’s tongue sliding over it apologetically. He marvels at how wrecked his voice sounds, giggling at the ridiculous turn of events; getting kissed the hell out of him is _not_ what Baekhyun had in mind when he came here.

“Because I wanted to take things slow.” Chanyeol grumbles, voice deep and rumbling, hiding his face in Baekhyun’s neck, sending him into another fit of giggles.

“Right. We’re never doing that again.” Baekhyun utters, tone definite and final, making Chanyeol lift his head up in haste.

“But Baek-”

“Nuh uh, stop talking.” Baekhyun presses in index finger to Chanyeol’s lips, effectively shutting him up. “It’s no use Chanyeollie, just look at these past few days, we were getting nowhere. I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

“I did it for you angel.” Chanyeol sighs, tracing Baekhyun’s cheek with gentle fingers. “I didn’t wanna pressure you any more than you were already.”

“Sometimes you’re too nice for your own good.” Baekhyun smiles, adoringly staring up at his love. “Chanyeol, we can’t change the past. What’s done is done, and I know it left us with some nasty scars but we can heal ourselves together yeah? And I want us to talk Chanyeol, honest face to face talk you know, because we can’t move forward without planning ahead, and-and not knowing what we’re gonna do with our lives from now on, with the group, the company, just- the future. I want us to forget the past and focus on our future Chanyeol, together. Because none of us can do this without the other.”

The expression on Chanyeol’s face is overwhelming, pure love and adoration pouring out of his eyes as he stares at Baekhyun, still caressing his cheek. He smiles softly, eyes teary and biting his bottom lip, and promptly leans down to capture Baekhyun’s lips with a searing kiss, hot and wet, and it’s as if Chanyeol is swarming him with the unsaid thoughts and feelings he had been bottling up inside through the kiss, hot tears falling on Baekhyun’s cheeks and mixing with his own. Cupping his cheeks, Chanyeol breaks the kiss yet doesn’t lean away, as he audibly gulps down his sobs.

“I love you angel, _God,_ I love you so much. I don’t even know what I did to deserve you Baek, but I promise I won’t let you down, because you’re right. You’re right, we’re in this together.” Baekhyun’s breath hitches as Chanyeol places small kisses all over his wet cheeks, the words he’s muttering twisting his heart painfully. “I love you Baek.”

“Chan-” Baekhyun chokes on a sob as Chanyeol halts his ministrations and stares into his eyes, and even though Baekhyun expected them to be filled with disappointment, they hold nothing but compassion and understanding. “Chanyeol please, I-I need more time.”

“I know baby, I know.” Chanyeol smiles softly, his loving gaze never wavering. “You know, sometimes I still can’t believe this is happening, that you’re finally mine. I feel like I’m living a dream, like I’m in heaven, but then see your smile, the smile I fell in love with, the smile I still fall in love with every day, then I know this is real. That this is as real as real can be. And angel I promise, I will never let that smile disappear from your lips, I would do anything if it means we can be together forever, even if it means that I have to wait for you, weeks, months, years I don’t care. I promise, I will wait for you, I will love you as long as I breathe, I promise angel. And if you don’t wanna _‘take things slow,’_ let’s take one step at a time, yeah?”

How extraordinary is it that Chanyeol replies exactly how Baekhyun wants him to? It’s as if he can read Baekhyun’s mind, look deep into his conscience and find out the exact words he would accept, words that would calm his chaotic feelings, words that would, little by little, crack the thick wall his mind had put up around his heart. 

“Yeah,” Grinning wide and bright, Baekhyun whispers, voice wet with tears and nodding hurriedly; as if afraid that if he shows any less enthusiasm, he would miss his chance to show Chanyeol that he’s willing; willing to forever together. “Yeah, one step at a time, as long as you’re with me, by my side.”

“Always angel, always.”

 

 

 

Morning comes too soon for Baekhyun, the figurative chirping of birds and fragrance of freshly bloomed flowers awaiting him as he awakens from a deep sleep; the best sleep he’s had for a long time. It’s warm and snug, the sheets wrapped around him like a cozy cocoon, and sighing happily, he curls into himself as he lets out a contended moan, snuggling further into the warmth. It takes an embarrassingly long time for his sleep muddled brain to register that what he’s laying his head on is not actually a pillow but an arm, and to remember the events of last night, yet it does finally, thus snapping his eyes open in realization, only to come face to face with a smiling Chanyeol.

“Mornin’ sleeping beauty.” Baekhyun doesn’t even know why he felt embarrassed earlier, the familiar words causing him to grin, bright and cheerful.

“Mornin’ love.” Chanyeol flashes his goofy smile at Baekhyun’s words, swiping stray strands of hair away from his face. It seems as if the both of them chose to ignore the fact that the last time Baekhyun used that pet name, he was dying in Chanyeol’s arms, a memory faded and blurry in their minds. They’re the past, it’s the future they’ve set their eyes on. “You were watching me like a creep.”

“You’re too fucking cute not to watch like a creep.” Chanyeol counters, chuckling, and Baekhyun playfully hits him on the shoulder.

“Hmm, I don’t know how I feel about dating a creep.” Baekhyun grumbles, voice still laced with sleep as he fiddles with the neckline of Chanyeol’s tank top.

“Well, lucky for you, you’ll have forever to figure it out.” Chanyeol smirks, poking Baekhyun’s nose, causing him to scrunch it up in mock disgust.

“Lord help me.” Baekhyun whines, long and drawn, and Chanyeol scoffs lightheartedly, a fond smile playing at his lips as he pulls Baekhyun closer, burying his nose in Baekhyun’s neck. Baekhyun hums contended as Chanyeol places small kisses along the smooth expanse of his neck. “ _Ah, Yeol-_ Yeol, can we go back to sleep now please?”

“No can do baby, we’re going home today, remember?” 

“I don’t wanna, I wanna stay here with you.” Baekhyun childishly whines, making Chanyeol sigh, Baekhyun giggling at the feel of the puffs of his hot breath. “Tired of me yet?”

“Never.” Chanyeol whispers, lightly biting on a spot on his neck. Baekhyun lets out a soft _Ow,_ playing with Chanyeol’s black strands of hair as he lifts his head to gaze at him, the all too familiar loving look adorning his eyes. “Never.”

Baekhyun breaks into a huge smile unintentionally, the one word holding a myriad of feelings and promises; promises of love, promises of always, promises of forever. He wants to cherish this, keep it safe and secure, hidden from the harsh world, because now, right now, he and Chanyeol, they start their forever. A new day holding new aims and goals, waiting for them right outside those doors, a new day symbolizing the burial of a dark past and opening of a path to a bright future, a new day and many new days to come that they will welcome, embrace and conquer together. 

Together as one.

Chanyeol leans down, capturing Baekhyun’s lips in a soft kiss, slow and gentle in the way they move their lips against each other as they hold each other close, another silent promise that they will always hold each other, both in happiness and in sorrow. It’s beautiful; the feeling that they’re complete, that they complete each other’s lost halves, Baekhyun reckons that it’s more beautiful because no one else can see it or hear it. It’s an intensely intimate feeling only the two of them can feel. It’s special.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun whispers when their lips part. “You made me a promise.”

It’s not a question, but a statement, which they both know needs no doubt.

“And I intend to keep it.” Chanyeol replies, the overwhelming gaze never wavering from Baekhyun’s teary eyes. 

 

 

 

Not more than three hours later, they find themselves casually dressed in the backseat of a company car with tinted windows, hidden from the world and lost in their own world. Chanyeol had not once let go of Baekhyun’s hand since they had opened the doors of his hospital room, silently reassuring him again and again that they’re one, facing what’s to come.

Dr. Kang had raved off about taking care of Baekhyun after he’s released from the hospital care, but Baekhyun had spaced out on most of it, letting Chanyeol and Minwoo take care of the discharge papers and such. Their manager of course had been exultant to see that they had gotten together when he had visited Baekhyun after he had woken up, jabbering about how he had always known and had always rooted for them. But his reaction after he noticed them holding hands with the soft smiles never leaving their faces that morning, had been odd, considering his personality. Only a few teasing remarks were made, but it had seemed as if he was being considerate of the space they were in need of after a night of revelations and newfound emotions, and they were grateful.

They’re only a few minutes away from the dorm, Baekhyun reckons, but he doesn’t dare look out of the window. He keeps it on his and Chanyeol’s intertwined hands on Chanyeol’s lap, the dark haired boy gently caressing his knuckles in a soothing manner, as Baekhyun lays his head on his shoulder, and Chanyeol on his head. No words have been exchanged between them since they’ve entered the car, Minwoo and the driver in the front seats, silent and ignorant of the couple in the back seat, and they’re more than grateful for the silence, basking in the presence of each other. 

It’s slowly returning to him, his role he should be taking on soon, the role of an idol, a lead singer of his group, and it should terrify him; unnerve him at least. But all he feels is calm; calm because Chanyeol is right beside him, holding his hand, ready to face whatever and whoever that might come their way with confidence and courage. He’s certain that it’s the same for Chanyeol as well, his presence calming the boy greatly, without words or any dramatic actions, only the knowledge of them being together. It marvels him how much he trusts Chanyeol to practically lay his life on his hands, but it’s effortless, he figures; he might not trust Chanyeol with his love yet, but he never had the slightest doubt of trusting him with his life.

“We’re here.” 

Two words he had been dreading for five days. Yet now, the same two words that erupt a sense of belonging inside him, a sense of longing to set his eyes on familiar surroundings, on familiar faces. Two words awakening a sense of yearning for home.

As if in a trance, Baekhyun climbs the steps leading up to the main door of their dorms, leaving Minwoo and Chanyeol to bring up his bag, and opening the door, he walks inside. None of the surroundings register fully in his mind, not the lobby, not the old elevator, not even the worn rug on the floor of the hallway. 

But what does is the dark brown of the heavy door, the slightly damaged key pad beside the door handle and the sudden knowledge of every one of his friends waiting beside that door, with huge grins adorning their faces, sincere and relieved, standing in the middle of an exaggeratedly decorated living room; waiting to welcome him home. It brings a smile to his lips, that he has a family, a home to return to after everything, that his family is actually willing to accept him after everything he had put them through. 

He doesn’t deserve it at all; the love, consideration, the care they shower him with, not after what he did, but they’re here despite it all. They’re here to support him, support the both of them on their future, on their journey, standing together the whole way until the end, until their story ends. And Baekhyun couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

A warm hand slips into his, snapping him out of his trance. Baekhyun lets his gaze fall to his hand, protectively snug and interlaced with Chanyeol’s fingers, exuding warmth, reassurance and comfort with just one touch. He looks up, his stare locked on the all too familiar loving look, as he smiles, seeing it mirrored on Chanyeol’s face, and he’s again hit by the realization that he succeeded in his love. He endured all the hardships, overcame the ones he thought he couldn’t, and finally emerged side by side with the love of life; the man who stole his heart, who loved him like no one else did or will ever do, who will never let go of his hand or his heart as long as he lives. 

“Ready?” He asks, inquiring eyes searching for any hesitation on Baekhyun’s face, yet there are none; they both know that.

Baekhyun smiles and heaves a deep breath as Chanyeol presses the code on the keypad, hand moving to hold the handle after it beeps. He looks at Baekhyun for one last confirmation and Baekhyun gives it. He squeezes Chanyeol’s hand and nods once, warm smile never once wavering.

“I’m ready.”

The door opens.

“Welcome home!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I yearn to hv friends like Luhan, Minseok & Kyungsoo who can give me advice by subtly calling me an idiot :(((
> 
> Do any of these count as fluff? o_0
> 
> Thank u & lv u lots!!!
> 
> See y'all in the next chapter!!! <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He-Hewwo? {^-^}

“Welcome home!”

_Home._

The word unconsciously brings a smile to his lips, which gradually broadens as he walks along the dimmed hallway towards the living room. The excited cheers and shouts only increase when he stands just in the entryway to the bright room, taking in the picture in front of him. 

Everyone is there; _almost_ everyone, looking ridiculous in their vibrant party hats and party horns hanging from their mouths which are stretched into large grins, standing right under a huge banner spelling the exact same words Baekhyun heard while walking in. The floor is a mess, with hundreds of glistening confetti scattered about, some of them nearly covering the surfaces of the sofa and the stools; it’d be a miracle if any weren’t found in the bowls of snacks, and the walls are covered in so many colorful streamers and balloons that Baekhyun is certain it’d be a frustrating hassle to clean all of this up. Yet his heart swells in gratitude at the effort and determination his friends and family had put into this little party, when clearly he doesn’t deserve any of their kindness after what he’s done. Guilty tears spring up in his eyes but he blinks them away as Luhan and Kyungsoo dash towards him to envelop him in a bone crushing hug.

“Missed you so much baby Baek.” Sniffling, Luhan gushes into his right ear as Kyungsoo lets out a sound between a sob and laugh from his left, his body squished between the two enthusiastic boys.

“You guys literally saw me yesterday.” Baekhyun chuckles through his own tears, patting their backs in comfort.

“Doesn’t make it any easier Baekkie.” Luhan and Kyungsoo break their hold on Baekhyun and the boy chokes on a sob as his mother comes into his blurry view.

“Ma-” 

Baekhyun cuts himself off as his mother embraces him, her comforting and familiar touch reassuring and encouraging him in a way he hasn’t been in a long time. Sure, she had visited him in the hospital, expressed her utmost relief over her son’s recovery, followed by a tearful lecture, but this feels different. This takes Baekhyun back to his childhood when after particular violent outbursts of his father, Baekhyun would find himself on his bed, enveloped protectively in his mother’s arms, rocking their bodies back and forth, calming and relaxing words being whispered in his ear. Their very own remedy. 

“Oh Baekkie, it’s ok, it’s ok baby, shh.” His mother murmurs in his ear in her soft voice as Baekhyun sobs into her shoulder. It’s pleasing how despite his larger frame, he manages to feel small and safe with his mother’s small body pressed up against him, securing him with her love and reassurance, as she’d always done. “You’re ok baby. You made it, you’re ok.”

Breaking the hug, his mother cups Baekhyun’s left cheek, thumbing away stray tears as he returns her wet smile. He nods, a sincere confirmation on an unasked question and her face breaks into a proud smile as she places a gentle kiss on his forehead, and Baekhyun sighs in content. Parting, his mother moves aside to let his members greet him, one by one, aggressive yet consoling embraces, jesting yet tearful words exchanged in the very living room Baekhyun had assured Joonmyun with a promise that turned hollow not four hours later. The memory of it has such guilt rising in his chest again, so much that when Joonmyun approaches him as the last to greet him, Baekhyun immediately hangs his head, eyes on the ground in shame as he nervously abuses his bottom lip with his teeth.

His leader has been one of the two people who hadn’t visited him in the hospital for the entirety of his stay, one of the two people of whom Baekhyun had utmost certainty that harbored resentment and disappointment towards him and his actions. He’d been told that Joonmyun, along with Minwoo and the CEO had been engrossed in _cleaning up the mess he had made,_ the entireties of their efforts dedicated to conceal the true events that occurred that night from the rest of the company and the public, and to bury the incident with the forced help of the hospital staff and the police. It had been credible and trustworthy enough of an excuse yet Baekhyun’s insecurities and anxiety had effortlessly led him to believe the worst; that he’s a disappointment and a failure in their eyes. 

“Hyung, I-I’m-”

“-Baekhyun I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun nearly breaks his neck by how fast he lifts it up to face Joonmyun. He doesn’t understand it, why Joonmyun would be apologizing when it should be him. Baekhyun should be apologizing, he should be apologizing to each and every single person in this room for what he’d put them through, for putting them through something they never deserved, and for breaking their trust in him. Baekhyun should be apologizing because he’s the one who’s guilty but looking into Joonmyun’s eyes now, he silently gasps at how much guilt laces them, painfully visible under a glistening coat of tears.

The heart-wrenching view is hidden the very next second, for Joonmyun closes his eyes and turns his head to the side, chuckling humorlessly and clearing his throat as if to break the lump forming in his throat. Baekhyun almost contemplates whether his eyes had been deceiving him as hurt creeps into his conscience, but his thoughts are cut short when his hand is clasped in a familiar warmth, his body slightly pulled backwards, pressing against a broad chest. The room suddenly drowns in a deafening silence.

Chanyeol.

It still seems unreal, as if a dream in a dream, an impossible fantasy. Yet Chanyeol is right beside him, their hands linked together, the grip tight and secure, and Baekhyun is certain, so is everyone else in the room it seems from their expressions, that that bond, that link; in a figurative sense, isn’t going to be severed any time soon. 

Chanyeol flashes him a soft smile, the glint in his eyes and the warmth in his hand comforting and reassuring, speaking a thousand words in their shared silence. Baekhyun returns it, squeezing Chanyeol’s hand in acknowledgement, reminding both of them of their promise. 

_Together as one._

“We both owe you guys an apology.” Chanyeol voices in a calm drawl yet Baekhyun can recognize the remorse lying underneath. The members glance at each other, their expressions hesitant, and some of them including Joonmyun seem as if they’re about to interject to what Chanyeol said, but he cuts them off before they get a chance to. “And an explanation, seeing that most of you don’t know our whole story.”

“I don’t think this is the right time for this.” Jongin mutters, glancing around, as if to see if anyone are opposing his statement but most of them nod in agreement.

“Yeah, let’s just keep the apologies and explanations for another day and celebrate the fact that you two aren’t dead.” Yifan scoffs, earning sharp reprimanding looks from everyone else, and Baekhyun flinches both at the even tone of his voice and the implication of his words.

The shock of experiencing death twice hadn’t worn off yet but he’s grateful for Chanyeol, whose presence acts an anchor, a constant reminder that he survived the terrifying darkness, defeated it and emerged out of it alive; scarred but alive. It proves once more as Chanyeol changes hands on his grip on Baekhyun’s hand, his larger hand effortlessly encasing Baekhyun’s smaller one, snaking the now free hand around Baekhyun’s body, side hugging him and rubbing his clothed arm vigorously as if warming him up against the cold; a silent reassurance for the both of them that Baekhyun is really here, by his side. He releases a shaky breath before speaking again.

“But I wanna get it outta the way guys.” He insists, his determined gaze flitting over the reluctant faces of everyone in the room. “We- we’ve been hiding it for long enough-”

He is unexpectedly interrupted by the sound of the front door opening, the immediate attention of everyone in the room directed to the violent ruffling and harsh whispers exchanging back and forth near the darkened doorway. But before long the door is slammed shut and heavy footsteps thud along the polished wood of the hallway, spikes of cold running up Baekhyun’s spine with every step taken forward, because he knows, he knows who it is; so does everyone else in the room as well, evident in the sudden tension swirling around them. And it proves as correct for Kim Jongdae comes into view.

But it’s not the cheerful and mischievous Jongdae Baekhyun had been used to; no. This Jongdae seems as if he’d survived a dire injury himself; his skin is pale, not just pale, but sickly ashen, with his cheekbones and collarbones protruding unhealthily, and eyes bloodshot and heavy with the dark bags under them. Yet, the hardened muscles of his face screams anger, eyes shiny with ire and clenched fists at his side shaking in an attempt to hold himself back as if he is a volcano just seconds away from blowing up, and Baekhyun knows, he knows that every single one of those emotions are directed at him and him alone. It’s not that much of a difficult conclusion to arrive since Jongdae is the other person that hadn’t visited him even once at the hospital. 

The other members had tried their best to convince Baekhyun with excuses every time he had asked about Jongdae but every single one of those words, no matter how believable they were, were constant stabs to his heart. With every stab, it was obvious; Jongdae despised Baekhyun to the point that he couldn’t even stand the presence of the boy. And it hurt, so fucking much, to know that he was to blame, that his immature acts were the cause, his weak thoughts were responsible for the unbalanced dynamic of their group, their friendship and their lives, but what hurt him more was that he didn’t have any clue as to repair the damage he had done.

“Dae-”

Jongdae doesn’t hold Baekhyun’s teary gaze for more than two seconds, thumping down the stairs and breezing past him towards the hallway of their rooms with not even a glance at the other tensed people in the room. The violent slam of his bedroom door shocks Baekhyun as he flinches in Chanyeol’s hold, breathing heavily as he lets his shaking self be engulfed by Chanyeol’s unperturbed form, but the slight tremor in the rapper’s hands is enough of an indication that he’s not as collected as he appears to be. Just as Baekhyun places his hands on Chanyeol’s arms in a comforting gesture, Minwoo emerges from the hallway, a tired expression marring his face.

“Found him trying to sneak out.” He mutters quietly as if afraid Jongdae might hear, and chuckles humorlessly. “And here I thought the party was a bust.”

“He’s just a bit pissed off. He’ll come around Baek, he can’t stay mad at anyone for too long, you know that right?” Minseok smiles uneasily at Baekhyun who still had his eyes set on the last place he saw Jongdae. At the lack of reaction, Minseok sighs, stalking forward and patting Baekhyun’s shoulder lightly. “I’ll go talk to him-”

“No.” Baekhyun firmly states despite the lump in his throat, and with the best of his self-confidence he can muster, he clears his throat and looks up with a trembling smile. “It has to be me.”

“Baek, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now, just-” Chanyeol starts hurriedly but Baekhyun shakes his head and gently breaks free of his lover’s hold.

“No Chanyeol, it’s- it’s ok.” He flashes what he hopes a convincing smile, knowing fully well what brought on Chanyeol’s apprehension. “It’s ok, I’ll be fine. I can do this.”

Yet Chanyeol doesn’t let him go that easily. He tightens his hold on Baekhyun’s hands before he has a chance to break apart and peers into his eyes, searching for any sign of unease or doubt which Baekhyun doesn’t give. He knows Chanyeol won’t let him talk to Jongdae alone if he weren’t confident in himself, thus he tries his hardest not to show exactly how nervous he is at the thought of facing one of his biggest fears. But it seems that the faux boldness in his eyes had somehow managed to convince Chanyeol; or perhaps he saw right through Baekhyun since he himself had stated that he could recognize Baekhyun’s lies, yet begrudgingly decided to give in, because he nods stiffly, pursing his lips, and lets go of his hands.

The small journey of ten steps leading to his former room seems as if it’s being stretched on forever as Baekhyun stalks along the hallway, the whole dorm drowned in an awkward silence, even his feet unconsciously minding not to make too much noise. He halts in front of the closed door that strangely blocks his path either to atonement or to further despair, and breathes heavily several times in order to calm his nerves, trying his hardest to remain optimistic. He doesn’t know whether what sent chills up his spine was the tensed atmosphere or the hushed _‘You know Chanyeol, when Minnie told you not to break your streak, I don’t think he meant for you to take it as an invitation.’_ that confused him to no end, but with great effort he pushes all hesitancy and anxiety as far as he can in his mind and softly knocks on the door.

It doesn’t come as a surprise to him that he doesn’t receive an answer, thus he takes the silence as the answer he required and gently turns the knob, praying to all the Gods for it to be unlocked. He exhales a silent breath of relief when the knob clicks, and slowly pushes the door open, peeking into the darkness inside.

“Dae?”

Yet another lack of response, but Baekhyun figures it must be because of the headphones Jongdae has on, the blond comfortably resting his back on the headrest of his bed, face illuminated by the screen of his tablet on his lap and his eyes never straying away from what he is focused on. The room is drowned in dark shadows, despite the slivers of sunlight spilling in through the curtains, and Baekhyun briefly contemplates whether or not to switch on the light, worried that it might anger the blond more, but does it anyway, blinking in surprise at the mess he stands in the middle of when the light illuminates the room. Clothes strewn about, wrappers of junk food scattered all over the floor, dozens of music sheets thrown haphazardly on the two beds and Jongdae’s guitar lying neglected on the free bed; all of them bringing back painful memories which Baekhyun is certain the blond is better off without, yet confusion swirls in his mind at how these two visibly different incidents managed to bring out a remarkably similar outcome. But keeping the past aside, Baekhyun decides to address the issue at hand.

“Dae, can we talk, please?” He meekly stammers, wringing his hands together in agitation before facepalming himself internally when he realizes that Jongdae can’t hear him.

It unnerves him immensely, the fact that Jongdae isn’t even sparing him a second’s worth of glance, a second’s worth of attention for Baekhyun to go about explaining himself like he came here to do, and the fact that Jongdae isn’t interested in any explanations or reasoning, silently announcing that nothing Baekhyun says could change his viewpoint on the matter, disintegrates the confidence and boldness; however wavering they were, Baekhyun carried just minutes ago. The inner turmoil it brings about sends Baekhyun into a babbling and anxious mess, and he berates himself for choosing to do this alone despite Chanyeol thoroughly explaining to him that it’d be overwhelming to go through it by himself.

“Look, I-I’m sorry alright? I’m so sorry, you have every right to hate me, I-I don’t blame you to be honest, I deserve it, but Dae- shit, I’m sorry, _God-_ ” Covering his mouth to hide his hiccups with a shaking hand, he mumbles, completely forgetting the fact that Jongdae is still oblivious to the ramblings he lets out. Surprisingly, the nervous outburst of stammering words manages to calm him to some extent. “I just- I’m so sorry Dae, I don’t know what to say or how to say it, and- and I don’t have any excuse to justify what I did-”

“You can say sorry but you can’t change the story.”

The sudden interruption stuns Baekhyun, as he lets out a gasp, his words stuttering to a halt, and snaps his head towards the blond who takes off the headphones and places them, along with his tablet, on the bed beside him with a sigh. Only now does Baekhyun notice that the headphones haven’t been connected to the tablet at all, and before his anxiety heightens over the fact that Jongdae _did_ hear him yet acted as he didn’t, he speaks up, albeit confusedly.

“I wish I could though.” He scoffs with a crooked smile as Jongdae gets down from the bed and starts to collect the music sheets scattered about.

“I wish you wouldn’t.” Jongdae smiles sadly, avoiding Baekhyun’s confused gaze. “All of this gave me a lot of time to think about myself, and what pushed you to do what you did. Your story.”

“My story? But- But you don’t know-”

“It’s kinda obvious when you think about it; you and Chanyeol loved each other but because you two were too chicken to confess, you hid behind your stupid fights and Chanyeol got himself a girlfriend to make himself look normal. And when you found out about it, you thought that the flirting and all those lovey-dovey stuff Chanyeol did that one time were all fake and started drinking again to feel less shitty but that wasn’t enough.” Jongdae scoffs condescendingly and despite his initial surprise over his life story being recited, strangely accurately by someone who had been in the dark about it all, Baekhyun shrinks back in shame, the steely gaze in Jongdae’s trembling eyes glaring daggers at him. “But then you sobered up when Luhan smacked some sense into you and Chanyeol finally had the balls to confess but because of some weird mumbo-jumbo shit your stupid brain came up with, you got piss drunk again, and this time, this time it _really_ wasn’t enough, was it? You had to go all the way.”

“I- I remembered Sandara saying that Chanyeol proposed to her, even though he knew she was just using him to get back at her ex. Made me think that both of them were playing me from the start.” Baekhyun meekly murmurs, lifting his head for a brief second but hanging it right after when Jongdae scoffs unbelievingly. “The rest is true, pretty much.”

“For an idiot who overthinks about anything and everything you really don’t think.” Jongdae dumps the pile of music sheets he collected on top of his bedside drawer, and turning around so that he’s facing Baekhyun, says something that freezes Baekhyun to the core. “I don’t hate you Baek. I hate myself.”

Baekhyun suddenly sees, at the same time he doesn’t. He sees why Jongdae hates himself. He sees why Joonmyun’s eyes flooded with guilt upon seeing him. He sees why everyone out there wanted to move past the tragedy. He sees why Yifan acted so cold towards him. And he sees why none of his friends can meet his eyes, nor Chanyeol’s, despite how jovial of an appearance they wear. Baekhyun sees, but at the same time he doesn’t; or perhaps he is choosing not to.

“Why?”

“Because I-” Jongdae’s jaw tightens as he gulps, two teardrops escaping his shut eyes. “ _We_ should’ve been there for you. You dealt with your pain all alone, you suffered all alone and _none_ of us knew anything. We should’ve seen it Baek, I mean how couldn’t we? All this time? Everything- everything was happening right under our noses but we were too blind, to all of it. We thought drinking was the only problem but even then we didn’t do anything until Luhan intervened. We didn’t- It’s my fault Baek, I should’ve known something was wrong. I should’ve- I should’ve saved you-”

The exact moment Jongdae breaks down crying is when Baekhyun rushes forward, gathering the blond in his arms and enveloping him in a hug so tight that he faintly wonders if either of them would suffocate. Nonetheless, he further tightens the hold, letting Jongdae wrap his trembling arms around him and sob freely into his shoulder as he fights with his own tears, utmost guilt assaulting his conscience for a completely new reason.

“It’s not your fault Dae, none of it. None of it was your fault-”

“I did nothing!” Jongdae wails, and Baekhyun bites his lower lip to keep in his sobs, the pain and the guilt in Jongdae’s voice overwhelming him to no end. “I was so scared Baek, so scared when I saw on the bathroom floor that night, all the blood- _God,_ I thought you were dead and-and I didn’t know what to do or think because- because I couldn’t understand what was happening. You were fine and-and so happy when I last saw you and suddenly you’re- you’re like _that-_ ”

Jongdae breaks the tight embrace all of a sudden and cups Baekhyun’s cheeks, sniffling and panting as his gaze flits over every part of Baekhyun’s face, as if comparing the image in front of him now to the horrifying memory from two weeks ago. Baekhyun covers Jongdae’s cold hands with his warm ones, holding eye contact the best he can with his blurry vision and flashes an assuring albeit trembling smile.

“I’m here.” He whispers, nodding in reassurance and he notices Jongdae’s lips wobbling in an attempt to hold in his sobs. “I’m here Daedae, I didn’t die, I didn’t leave. I’m right here.”

“I hated you.” Jongdae mutters shakily, yet Baekhyun strangely doesn’t feel hurt by those words he had dreaded of, he merely smiles understandingly. “For days I hated you, and Chanyeol. Watching you on your beds, barely alive, and you died again, _fuck,_ those fuckers killed you, they nearly killed Chanyeol- and all that time I didn’t have the slightest idea why. I hated you for trying to leave us, without so much as a clue, I hated you for not telling me anything about what was going on- I mean, you know how I feel about being lied to, you know that, but- the more I thought about it, the more I realized how wrong I was. And I- I hate myself for not being a good best friend to you Baek.”

“Dae. The reason I didn’t tell you- the reason I didn’t tell _any_ of you was that I was ashamed, of myself and of what I was doing. Once I started cutting I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t fight the urge. Honest to God I wanted to stop, so bad, but I felt like it was the only escape from the pain so I- I took the coward’s way out I guess, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret what I did. I didn’t want you looking at me like some pathetic immature kid who couldn’t deal with a little heartbreak. I didn’t tell you because-” Baekhyun pauses, his mind recollecting the regrettable acts he did and the thoughts that followed them what feels like forever ago. He marvels at how much guilt and shame he was harboring inside to lose that one particular line of thought that ironically stopped him from self-harm. “I didn’t tell you because of this exact reason. I didn’t want you to blame yourself. And I swear, I didn’t think it would hit close to home I- and I-I certainly didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Look how well that turned out.” Jongdae shakes his head in disbelief before Baekhyun yanks him into a tight embrace again, patting his back comfortingly while Jongdae rests his chin on his shoulder and sniffles. “You should’ve told me sooner Baek, about Chanyeol, no matter how you thought I might react, because I was supposed to look after you, I’m- I’m your best friend right? Friends look after each other?” 

“Yeah, Daedae, Soo will definitely come after your ass, but you’re my best friend.” Baekhyun chuckles wetly, so does Jongdae, stray tears still rolling down his cheeks onto Baekhyun’s sweater. “I don’t deserve any of you Dae. I was so weak and-and what I did was so terrible and- I won’t blame you if you never forgave me, or looked at me the same again. I let you down- I let you _all_ down. I- I hate myself for what I did.”

Jongdae stiffens against him, the hand he used to rub circles onto Baekhyun’s back, frozen still but disconcertingly warm. Dread and regret eats at him as Jongdae slowly breaks their hug ever so gently; although he is convinced that he doesn’t deserve their forgiveness nor their kind words, but he can’t deny the ease, the peace and relief his body and mind is overwhelmed by even at the thought of being forgiven. Yet what terrifies him immensely is that he doesn’t have one clue on how to earn back the trust of his friends.

“Let me see them.” Baekhyun startles at Jongdae’s whispered voice which strangely echoes inside his ears even before his mind fully registers the words. “Your scars.”

And when it finally does, he panics.

Baekhyun hasn’t showed his scars to anyone. He always had made sure to wear long sleeved shirts or oversized sweaters that practically drowned him, even in the summer, ever since he started cutting. Obviously it was a secret he preferred to keep to himself forever but due to events that occurred, he’s certain his friends had seen the scars on that night when he had lain on the floor, slowly losing his consciousness, but it wasn’t that he willingly showed them. The only instance he willingly let anyone gaze upon them was when the doctors changed the dressing on his arm, and even then he had closed his eyes to prevent himself from having even a glimpse at them, because he was ashamed. He’s ashamed of his mistake; a mistake he had repeated over and over until the mere memory of it now made him repulse his body more. 

Baekhyun had promised himself that he would let no one see his scars, not even Chanyeol, because he was certain they would make his friends hate him even more, and not just minutes ago he grew certain that they would undoubtedly blame themselves more at the sight of them, but here Jongdae is, asking him to show him Baekhyun’s mistakes.

“Why?” 

“Because I wanna know how many times you needed us and we weren’t there. I wanna know how many times we let _you_ down.”

Perhaps it’s the vulnerability in his voice, perhaps the nervousness in his posture, or perhaps it’s the look in his eyes, the look that screams remorse, shining over a thick sheen of sorrow and grief. Or perhaps it’s the remorse Baekhyun feels himself, that compels him to raise his left hand slowly in front of his eyes, gaze boring into the marks he feels under the sleeve. They itch and throb; even though the pain is long gone, under the cloth, as the fingers of his right hand stroke the wrist lightly, Jongdae silently following their every move, and Baekhyun, before he can contemplate the gravity of his intended action, slides down the sleeve until the dreaded scars come into view.

Baekhyun remembers a time when he thought the marks were beautiful, crisscrossed over his delicate skin in their very own design, strokes of paint on a canvass, depicting a never ending; or so he thought, fight between the good and bad within him. But now, as he sets his eyes on them properly after two whole weeks, his fingers quiver, burning with a deep desire to just tear at the skin, ripping away any and every leftover sign of the pain and torture he had projected onto his body and his soul, every evidence of a part of himself he would rather wash down the drain, along with all the parts he had already done so. Each and every cut, a sign left behind from a battle he had lost, a battle with _himself_ that he was defeated in. Lost in his thoughts, Baekhyun flinches when the cold sensation of a finger grazing over his skin snaps him back into the present.

Jongdae looks close to tears again as he traces each and every scar with the delicate touch of his finger, wary and careful, so careful, as if he’s afraid the slightest force on them might make the skin give way and bleed again. But there’s no chance of that, and Baekhyun will never pave way for a repeat of the past, he’s more than certain; moreover, he promised himself. Every time one of his friends or family crossed the threshold of his hospital door with huge smiles and arms full of hugs, he repeated it to himself. 

_He’ll be strong. He won’t betray the people who welcomed him back from death._

“They’re beautiful.”

Realization hits him that Jongdae definitely must’ve seen these scars that night, bloody and gory, and he himself said that the image had scared him immensely, but the courage Jongdae displays right at this moment, the courage to push back his unease and nervousness and to utter something he and Baekhyun both know to be untrue, all to put Baekhyun at ease, it further convinces Baekhyun how undeserving he is of his friends.

“Do you know what these scars say Baek?” Jongdae murmurs wetly, smiling, yet doesn’t let Baekhyun answer. “They’re saying that you’re a survivor. A survivor of your own battles and fights. I know that you might think that you’ve lost but you didn’t, you didn’t lose Baek, you’re still here, with us, alive. You won. You won the battles and you won the war, and if that doesn’t show how strong you are, then I don’t know what would. If you can survive a war with yourself, you can survive anything, and you’re stronger than you ever think you are.” 

Baekhyun shuts his eyes and shakes his head, neither in denial nor refusal, but because of the overwhelming respect and gratitude he feels, the sensational relief his chest fills with, with every word Jongdae utters, confident and heartening. It’s extraordinary, how some well-placed and well-timed words can break down a person’s walls that they had put up. It’s extraordinary, because it’s not always a grand gesture of trust or love that makes a troubled soul see the light; sometimes it’s just the right words.

“And these,” Jongdae gently takes Baekhyun’s arm in his hands, cradling it with so much care and reverence. “These are beautiful because they’re your battle scars, Baekhyun, and you should be fucking proud because you survived hell, and you came out a hero.”

 

 

 

Baekhyun practically pounces on Joonmyun the moment he sets foot in the living room again, Jongdae following closely behind him this time.

“Please stop blaming yourself hyung. None of it was your fault.” Arms tight and secure around their leader, he whispers, yet he’s certain the whole room can hear him, and Joonmyun lets out a sob and tightens the embrace as if he’d been waiting forever to hold Baekhyun in his arms. “None of it is your fault hyung, how could you possibly-”

“It’s what means to be a friend Baek, and a leader.” Joonmyun sighs into his shoulder, and Baekhyun squeezes his stinging eyes shut. “And I failed in both.”

“No you didn’t!” Baekhyun cries, breaking the hug and holding onto Joonmyun’s shoulders in a death grip as he peers into his red-rimmed eyes, shining and trembling with emotion. He huffs helplessly before glancing around the room, taking in the guilt-ridden faces through his blurry vision. “Look, I stopped guys. I stopped believing, stopped hoping for my happy ending because I didn’t see it happening anymore, but I stopped cutting too, I really did. That night- that night was the stupidest mistake I’ve ever done, and I don’t have any excuse other than saying it was on impulse, sort of like a defense- anyway, that night was the first time in _months._ And you wanna know what made me stop in the first place? You guys.”

A mix of surprise and confusion takes over the members’ faces as Baekhyun utters the final two words, his hand vaguely gesturing to everyone in the room. It amazes Baekhyun, how unworried and comfortable he is, talking about a period and act of his life that he had never felt proud of, but the determination to somehow ease his friends’ hearts filled with remorse is what drives him forward, what gives him the courage to try and make things right. 

“You guys saved me without even knowing it. If it weren’t for you, that night would’ve happened a really long time ago.” Baekhyun momentarily chastises himself for that statement, but continues since it’s the truth. “I knew it was wrong, but I kept doing it because it was the only way I could come up with to deal with everything, but even that wasn’t enough. When it was too much to handle, you guys gave me the strength to go on another day, you guys gave me hope that I wasn’t alone. And I was- I was so ashamed of myself for betraying you like that, for betraying your trust like that and-and I stopped. Because you didn’t deserve it, none of you did.”

With great effort, he lifts his eyes from where they had shamefully glued to the floor and wills them to meet the ones of his friends, yet they’re closed, every single one of them. His gaze catches Chanyeol, who’s leaning on the wall behind the couch, arms crossed over his chest and eyes shut, but the single line that glistens across his cheek and the wobbling of his Adam’s apple is painfully obvious. It’s as if every single word Baekhyun utters wounds him mentally, and it probably does. Baekhyun itches to march over to his beloved and gather him in his embrace, to whisper comforts in his ear with a soothing voice until the hole in his heart is filled with nothing but joy and radiance, in fact he wants to do it to every single person in this room, yet he resorts to his words; quite aggressively, as a matter of fact.

“And for fucks’ sake! It’s not any of your fault, alright? It’s mine. _I_ made the decisions, _I_ acted on them so if anyone here should be guilty here, it’s me. You can’t take on responsibility for something you didn’t commit, I won’t let you, please.” 

“We _can’t_ move on from this _that_ easily, and you can’t ask us to do that.” Yifan mutters in an even voice from his place on the couch, and Zitao beside him, sharply hits him on his arm as he anxiously turns around to regard Baekhyun’s expression.

“I know. I’m- I’m sorry.” Baekhyun hiccups on sob but refuses to let the tears fall as he drags both his hands down his face in frustration at himself. “I just- I’m so sorry guys, I- I want all of this to just- _stop_ happening, but it doesn’t fucking work that way, and-and I know that I don’t have no right to tell you to just forget and forgive when it’s clearly-”

“Baekhyun, trust me when I tell you that we have never blamed you for anything you’ve done.” Yixing ambles forward and stands beside Joonmyun, placing a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder with a lazy reassuring smile. “What happened, happened. And yes, we can’t change it or forget about it, but there’s no point living in the past, regretting, and- and blaming ourselves or each other when we’re all here, right here, right now. _That’s_ what’s important.”

“We don’t care about what you’ve done Baek.” Joonmyun adds, his expression matching his boyfriend’s. “We only care about what you’re going to do.”

“I- I don’t _know_ what I’m going to do, I-” 

Baekhyun stutters tensely, glancing at everyone in the room who’s awaiting his answer with concentrated anticipation which unnerves him further. The fact that they’re expecting something that’s not in his ability to provide at the moment, strangely feels like a punishment, a rightful one at that, he’s convinced, but it sends him into panic, the familiar pressuring pain inside his ribcage slowly making an appearance. His throat constricts, vision darkening around the edges and body twitching uncontrollably as his palms become cold and clammy, thick beads of sweat rolling down his back, and just as his knees buckle, the ground swaying beneath his feet, his weight is supported onto a broad chest.

“Breathe angel, breathe, come on breathe for me.” 

He doesn’t know nor care when or how Chanyeol got to him, only that he’s there, strong arms protectively wrapped around his weightless body as soothing words are being whispered into his ear, his head lowered slightly so that the panicked expression of Baekhyun’s face is hidden from the concerned souls around them. Thankfully, the attack doesn’t persist for long; or Baekhyun hopes it didn’t, nor does it become severe as the first time, the steady heartbeat right under his ear calming him effectively, so does the low drawl of Chanyeol’s voice, lulling him into a serene state. Baekhyun breathes, just as Chanyeol instructed, slow and steady to stable his rapid heartbeat, hands fisted on his coat as he relaxes his body, letting Chanyeol support all his weight, as he lets the familiar scent clear the chaos in his mind.

“-just gets lightheaded sometimes, don’t worry, he’ll be fine.” Chanyeol is saying, when he comes to, subtly hiding the true nature of Baekhyun’s condition, and he suddenly realizes that they’re on the couch, everyone else surrounding them at a reasonable distance. It’s for the best, he decides, his friends don’t need another reason to worry and be sorry for him.

“I- I don’t know what I’m gonna do-” Despite the dryness in his mouth, Baekhyun speaks up, Chanyeol removing one of his hands so that Baekhyun’s face is visible. Kyungsoo offers him a glass of water which he gulps down, and he nods at his beloved’s inquiring look sent his way as he turns his attention to his front and smiles, confident and resolute, the answer resting heavily on his equally heavy tongue. “But what I’m _not_ gonna do is the exact thing that landed us in this mess in the first place. I lost your trust once, I won’t let it happen again, I promise. I won’t- I won't let you down.”

One nod. Then two, three, then everyone’s nodding, their faces lit up in approval. Baekhyun praises himself for his word choice as Joonmyun looks at Yifan, stern yet hopeful, causing everyone else to follow his gaze on the rapper whose face slowly breaks into the slightest of smiles, proud and satisfied, which gradually broadens as he leisurely ambles over to him and ruffles his hair.

“That’s good enough for me.”

 

 

 

Baekhyun keeps his promise. 

It’s not that difficult to do so since the urges don’t overwhelm him anymore, just subtle itches that disappear when he’s reminded of his promise. He figures these minor urges are mere aftereffects of his once troubled mind, but he doesn’t lose any thought over it because he’s confident. He’s confident because there’s no reason whatsoever for him to drink or cut again since all that were done to drown the pain in his soul, and seeing that that pain is long gone, with him realizing the truth, returning to his old ways seem ridiculous now.

His smile doesn’t waver for once, bright and cheerful, just as his demeanor which returns to its normal playful nature; he often marvels at his inability to recollect the last time it made an _honest_ appearance. His smile had dropped once however, when he and Chanyeol had been confronted about the very visible hickey on his neck; courtesy of the steamy events that had occurred on the last night at the hospital, his face contorting in horror as Jongdae had teased; right in front of his mother, to make things worse, that they had probably done the dirty already. It had provided the guys a hearty laugh and tons of teasing material despite Baekhyun glaring daggers at Chanyeol and muttering profanities under his breath for the rest of that day when he had realized that he _and_ Minwoo were both aware of the mark yet decided against informing Baekhyun; in Minwoo’s case, because he thought teasing them alone wouldn’t have been much fun, and in Chanyeol’s, because he was proud of his work.

Nonetheless, it had been the ultimate ice breaker between the members, them turning right back into their carefree and happy selves, teasing jeers and jabs thrown about, while the small party had continued well into the late afternoon. Taeyeon had turned up at some point, hugging and kissing Baekhyun with all her might to show her joy and relief, Chanyeol watching them interact with a scowl, yet it had turned into a pout however, when Taeyeon had lightly threatened to hang him on the ceiling from his ears if he ever were to hurt Baekhyun again. Chanyeol had merely nodded slowly, a thousand emotions twinkling in his eyes as he bowed to the girl and thanked her for being there for Baekhyun when he couldn’t which made Taeyeon coo tearfully and tease that she’s going to miss taking care of Baekhyun but that’s Chanyeol’s job now. 

Baekhyun had belatedly realized that if he were actually dating Taeyeon, that interaction would’ve been awkward as hell.

And of course, Baekhyun, accompanied by Chanyeol, didn’t forget to recount their story to their friends, the once clueless audience listening with the utmost interest despite their previous reluctance, and strangely, neither Baekhyun nor Chanyeol had had the slightest unease or nervousness through it all. It had amazed Baekhyun how light and relieved he had felt as the last word left his mouth, a secret he had spent the better half of four years keeping hidden, now right out in the open for the very people whose sentiments on the matter he had always dreaded. But seeing _their_ relieved faces, lighting up in understanding and belated realization, had Baekhyun silently berating himself for even doubting the perception of his friends who had never given him a reason to doubt their consideration. If it had been what Baekhyun felt, he couldn’t have imagined what the extent of Chanyeol’s relief had been, seeing that he had just revealed; without any hesitation yet without going into too much detail, the darkness which had resided in him since childhood.

But regarding the tense shoulders slowly relaxing, clenched fists unconsciously loosening, Baekhyun was certain that Chanyeol is more than content with revealing his side of the story; at least the majority of it, since the both of them had wordlessly agreed that some things are best left unsaid, even to their closest of friends.

All in all, it had been the most relaxed and comfortable Baekhyun had been in such a long time, but only for four days unfortunately, on the last night of which arrives a dreaded moment they had never expected to face.

 

 

After a three hour nap, Baekhyun wakes up in the late afternoon to find that he’s alone in the dorm.

In the past three days, he would sleep late, wake up early, cuddle with Chanyeol after breakfast and often goof around with any of the members who didn’t have schedules for the day before taking a nap after lunch, only to wake up late in the afternoon and goof around some more until dinner. The routine was the one he had been accustomed to in the hospital and it hasn’t been long since he left the place for him to lose the habit, thus he couldn’t help but succumb to the drowsiness that takes over him once he finishes lunch, and it’s not like he has anything else to do since he and Chanyeol both are yet to receive their schedules and according to the official statement released, they’re still resting. The rest of the group have their own schedules however, as well as voice training and dance practice, so the dorm is left alone for Chanyeol and Baekhyun most of the time.

Today however, as soon as he sets foot in the living room, he realizes that he’s all alone, not even his boyfriend rushing forward to greet him with a kiss; who had, in the last three days made a habit of welcoming Baekhyun from his nap with an ill-timed meal halfway ready when he would stumble into the kitchen, still wiping away the drowsiness from his eyes. Seeing Chanyeol’s face practically light up at the sight of him and the innocent kisses that always manages to steal his breath away, despite how chaste they are, turns him into a giddy, blushing mess every time, cheeks flaming in red and eyes firmly set on the floor in shyness, as Chanyeol chuckles fondly at him. Yet today, his lips form a pout, shoulders involuntarily sagging in dismay when he doesn’t smell the mouthwatering aroma of Chanyeol’s food nor the cook’s familiar figure turning around to greet him with his favorite three words, accompanied by his goofy smile. What greets him today is a vacant kitchen, silent and still, and unwavering as Baekhyun glares at it childishly. 

He briefly considers calling Chanyeol before spotting the rapper’s phone charging on the kitchen counter, a clear sign that his absence won’t extend for too long, yet Baekhyun doesn’t set down his own phone until after pressing play on one of his playlists. A rich melodic tune fills the once silent atmosphere as Baekhyun pours himself a hot cup of coffee, humming the notes under his breath. Deciding on making a little late meal for both him and Chanyeol, he prances around the kitchen, opening cupboards one after the other until he comes across a box of pancake mix, and goes about making the batter with a huge smile. The music gives him company as he hums along happily, nodding to the beat as song after song comes on, taking occasional sips from his coffee while flipping the pancakes in the pan, surprising himself when he actually enjoys the calm and quiet. 

He can’t deny that he misses Chanyeol’s smothering cuddles and breathless kisses but it’s nice to have some alone time for himself after all the frenzy over the last three weeks, yet he knows better than to trust the happy and calming days, and this feels as if it’s the calm before the storm; he hates his anxiety sometimes, but he tries hard not to let it sour his mood. Thus, he turns the volume up, takes a spoon as a mic and sings his heart out, twirling and swaying passionately as the music takes over his body.  
He pokes at the pancakes, snickering at the sight of the contorted versions of cats and puppies he attempted with the batter, and giggling loudly at a particular comical low note in the song that’s currently playing, he pirouettes; or tries to, the twirl that started gracefully coming to an awkward end as he stumbles on his feet and staggers backwards with a yelp when he catches sight of the uninvited spectator in the archway to the kitchen.

_Well shit._

Baekhyun doesn’t know for how long they stared at each other; teasing gaze focused intently on an embarrassed one, the equally teasing smile widening as Baekhyun continues to blush, profusely so, as his mind helpfully provides him memories of a certain night in the cherry blossom park, the unplanned meeting more or less similar to the situation he’s in now. He internally smacks himself under the heavy gaze of those beautiful eyes full of adoration and mirth, and just as his elevated heartbeat starts to drop to normal, it rises right back up; this time by a deep voice.

“That’s my shirt.” A statement. The voice cuts through the loud music, and Baekhyun tilts his head involuntarily in confusion before following the other’s line of vision, set on the oversized shirt he’s wearing. His head whips up, eyes wide and lips pursed as realization dawns on him, and Chanyeol smirks.

“No.” Although Baekhyun intends for it to be firm and confident, it comes out as a question.

“Really? Huh,” Chanyeol’s brows furrow in faux confusion, even raising his hand to swipe his finger over his bottom lip thoughtfully, and if this was any other situation, Baekhyun would roll his eyes at the melodramatic theatrics. “Because I distinctly remember a certain black and blue striped shirt of mine disappearing without a trace a year ago, and while looking for it, a certain someone accusing me of _‘snooping around their underwear drawer like a pervert’_ ; so poetically put by the way. And _now,_ what do I make of this?”

Chanyeol gestures at Baekhyun, who is indeed clad in Chanyeol’s black and blue striped shirt, his petit body practically drowning in the oversized article, his black shorts basically invisible since the shirt reaches his mid-thigh and Baekhyun suddenly realizes that his bare thighs and legs are on full display for Chanyeol’s eyes. The thought sends a shiver down his spine, pleasant or unpleasant, he doesn’t know nor care, as he silently curses his sleep muddled mind for choosing this particular shirt to wear today; it was supposed to be hidden deep inside his closet, _for God’s sake,_ Chanyeol was never supposed to see it again. 

Licking his lips nervously, Baekhyun shifts on his feet, and if Chanyeol saw his discomfort, he doesn’t comment on it, the teasing smile still present as he leans against the wall, arms crossed, his broad chest accentuated by a fluffy red sweater atop tight black jeans, windswept hair falling over his forehead which for one fleeting moment makes an appearance as Chanyeol combs his hair back with his fingers; Baekhyun wrenches his eyes away with a gasp.

“I didn’t-” Baekhyun coughs, face reddening at the embarrassingly high voice he started with and scowls when Chanyeol bites his bottom lip to keep his laughter from spilling out. “I didn’t steal this, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“A thief _and_ a liar.” Chanyeol tuts, shaking his head, and Baekhyun rolls his eyes as he forces himself to move from the position he’d been frozen in and to check on the pancakes, releasing a breath in relief when he notices that the pancakes on the pan are miraculously not burnt. “And you called me a pervert. The audacity-”

“I didn’t steal it!” Baekhyun whirls around, the spoon outstretched as a poor choice of a weapon, but at the sight of Chanyeol’s knowing smirk he lowers his hand and pouts, avoiding Chanyeol’s eyes. “I- may have, _borrowed_ it. And forgot to return it.”

“For a year.” Chanyeol states, amusement clear in his voice and Baekhyun huffs, turning around to face the stove.

“Must’ve slipped my mind you know, ‘cause we were _so_ busy all the time, and I was gonna return it anyway, it doesn’t-” He hastily purses his lips when his mind registers what he was about say, a dark blush resting high on his cheeks as he desperately hopes that Chanyeol didn’t catch onto his little slip up. Yet no such luck is on his side.

“It doesn’t what?” 

Baekhyun grits his teeth and shakes his head at Chanyeol’s smug question as he fiddles with the last bit of the pancake batter in the bowl, trying to gather the gooey substance on the spoon, but to no avail. He’s about to lift the bowl itself to pour the batter in the pan when a hand reaches out from behind him and lifts the bowl instead, and Baekhyun’s breath hitches when he senses the unmistakable presence of his boyfriend behind him, solid chest pressed against Baekhyun’s back, right hand, a gentle touch on his waist as his left tips the bowl, the remaining batter falling gracefully into the pan. Being this close, the familiar scent envelops him, and he breathes in large lungsful of the soothing scent to calm his erratic heartbeat and to will down the raging blush, yet it proves futile when Chanyeol starts rubbing small circles on his hipbone with his fingers.

Perhaps it’s because of their relationship is still fairly new and the intimate touches just as much, but Baekhyun believes that Chanyeol has a power over him, a power that can turn Baekhyun into a blushing stuttering mess with just one simple look, a power that can make Baekhyun forget everything around him with a simple smile, a power that can make Baekhyun shiver and sweat at the same time with one simple touch. 

And Baekhyun wouldn’t have it any other way; even though it’s probably unhealthy for his heart to palpitate too fast and too often.

“It doesn’t what angel?” Baekhyun shakily inhales, his eyes fluttering shut, the raspy voice just beside his ear, tickling it with hot breath. The soothing circles haven’t let up, exuding prickling warmth onto his skin even through the material of the shirt- _The shirt!_ The dreaded thing with its fluffy material and too wide neckline and too long sleeves that got him into this situation in the first place. Baekhyun curses himself again, head lolling to the side in a subconscious attempt at escaping the ticklish feeling in his ear, unknowingly offering Chanyeol his biggest weak point, and he’s reminded of this when he feels Chanyeol’s lips brush over the sensitive skin of his neck. “You gotta gimme something here angel. Or I don’t mind actually, I could do this all day.”

“Yeol- Chanyeol stop it.” Baekhyun stammers shakily, knuckles turning white from the tight grip on the counter as Chanyeol starts blowing hot breath all over the side of his neck, huffing out hearty chuckles when Baekhyun flinches and squeaks at the tickling sensation. He bites his lips shut, desperate to not let out any more embarrassing sounds nor the equally embarrassing words Chanyeol is asking for, but it all proves futile when his boyfriend places an open-mouthed kiss right on his exposed collarbone, which successfully pries open his lips with a gasp. “Ok, ok! It- it doesn’t- _ugh,_ it doesn’t smell like you anymore!”

Laughter.

That’s what Baekhyun had been expecting; mocking laughter, teasing him on his childish actions and his embarrassing choice of words, but he would never have expected _this._ He had tightly closed his eyes shut right after he had voiced his thoughts, as if it would lessen the discomfiture he had put himself in, and the affectionate chuckle he receives isn’t what makes his eyes snap right open; rather it’s the words that Chanyeol utters.

“You never cease to amaze me angel.” His tone, warm and adoring, hands tight around Baekhyun’s waist as he sways them lightly from side to side, and chin placed gently on his shoulder; Chanyeol really knows how to make Baekhyun breathless. He bites his lip, hanging his head as a bashful smile breaks out, giddy and timid, and Chanyeol chuckles once more before angling his head and softly placing a kiss on Baekhyun’s warm cheek. “I _would_ like it back ‘cause it would smell like you now, but, I think it looks better on you, anything of mine would.”

“ _Goddammit,_ Yeol, stop being so corny.” Baekhyun grumbles and turns around in Chanyeol’s hold, using his hands to cover his wide grin, but his eyes are bubbling with mirth, which amuses Chanyeol more judging by the equally wide grin he mirrors as he slides one hand around Baekhyun’s waist and uses the other to tenderly remove Baekhyun’s hands from his mouth, revealing a cheeky smile. “I almost miss the crude, rash, unrefined, and- _dumb_ things that used come out of your mouth.”

“Ok smart guy, did you find a thesaurus lying around here somewhere? And what do you mean ‘dumb?’” Chanyeol mockingly grimaces and Baekhyun pushes his chin up with an arrogant smile.

“Well,” He drawls tauntingly, slides his hands up along Chanyeol’s chest and wrapping them around his neck. “Almost everything that come out of your mouth is dumb so-”

“Baekhyun.” 

Baekhyun hums in question at Chanyeol’s abrupt interruption, assuming Chanyeol called his name to tell him something or as a warning to not finish his previous sentence, and it takes an embarrassing amount of time for him to comprehend what Chanyeol really meant; although it should’ve been apparent by the mockingly proud grin on his face. When it finally registers in his head, his expectant mien disappears, and his jaw falls.

“You- Oh my God, you asshole! Not _me!_ ” Annoyed and offended, Baekhyun hits Chanyeol’s chest with clenched fists, his façade momentarily cracking for cocky smirks to be let through when the rapper wheezes painfully between his boisterous guffaws as he twists his body from side to side to escape from Baekhyun’s wrath. 

“But- but you said-” 

“I said _almost!_ ” Baekhyun interrupts Chanyeol’s attempt at voicing an excuse, his punches now reduced to pinches to his boyfriend’s sides, yet the reaction is still the same. “ _Almost_ everything, Yeol. So I don’t count.”

“Oh yeah? Prove it.” In a sudden jerk, Chanyeol seizes Baekhyun’s wild hands and forces them to hang loosely around his neck as he grasps Baekhyun’s hips, pulling him forward, their fronts pressed together. Baekhyun squeaks at the sudden turn of events, mouth falling shut which Chanyeol takes as an answer. “You can’t, can you? Then let me prove _my_ point. ‘The shirt’.”

“Oh my _God,_ Chanyeol!” Baekhyun groans, contemplating on whether he could escape the law if he strangled the smirking bastard. “Just drop it already, you weren’t even supposed to see it-”

His mouth snaps shut as understanding washes over his face. Stifled curses spill out of his mouth as Chanyeol’s body shakes in silent laughter, his face reddening at the attempt of keeping the sounds in, and blushing profusely, Baekhyun desolately hangs his head with a loud whine, placing it none-so-gently on Chanyeol’s chest, and continues to whine, occasionally little hiccups falling from his lips.

“Shh, there there little one, I’m here, just let it all out.” 

Chanyeol pats his back with mock sympathy, and Baekhyun can _hear_ how he is biting his bottom lip to not let the snickers fall out. The image of Chanyeol’s goofy grin spreading over his bitten lip makes Baekhyun cackle as well, and as if Chanyeol had been waiting for Baekhyun’s laugh as a cue, he finally lets go of his restrains, the combination of their amused laughter ringing pleasantly through the dorm, accompanied by Frank Sinatra singing ‘The way you look tonight’ in the background.

Among his laughing fit, Baekhyun doesn’t hear that Chanyeol has fallen silent all of a sudden, only realizes it when his boyfriend gently forces his head away from his chest, rough skin a soft touch on Baekhyun’s aching cheek. His cackles die down immediately, a tense silence taking over them as soon as Baekhyun notices the look on Chanyeol’s eyes. Three days of intimacy had been just about enough for Baekhyun to become acquainted with most of Chanyeol’s new actions as well as silent messages, one of which he’s sending right now, also the one which Baekhyun was most familiar with. Thus he smiles sweetly, tightening his hold on the back of Chanyeol’s neck, and tilts his head up just as Chanyeol leans down with an eager smile of his own.

Their lips connect, soft and innocent, just the gentle press against each other but the fiery sparks that erupt bathe their bodies in a thick envelop of warmth; not stifling nor harsh, rather comfortable and soothing, cozy enough that Baekhyun finds himself inching closer to Chanyeol’s body heat. Chanyeol welcomes him without question, using both hands to cup his face as he starts to tenderly move his lips against Baekhyun’s, his touch a burning impression on Baekhyun’s skin. The atmosphere is obviously an intimate and tranquil one but Baekhyun being Baekhyun, huffs out silent chuckles at the feel of Chanyeol’s soft breath on his face, the slight tremor of Baekhyun’s body under his hands causing Chanyeol to smile as well in no time. Both of their smiles cause the kiss to break, but Chanyeol pecks him again and again, each peck earning a sweet giggle from Baekhyun.

“Stop. Laughing.” Chanyeol nearly whines, placing a peck between the words.

“Can’t help it, sorry.” Baekhyun whispers, not sounding sorry at all as he plays with the short hair on Chanyeol’s nape, making Chanyeol sigh, mockingly exasperated. Nonetheless, he leans forward again for a kiss but Baekhyun pushes his head back playfully, a cheeky grin on his face as he watches his boyfriend repeat his action only to receive nothing for his trouble, causing him to pout. 

“You’re mean. I just want a kiss.” Chanyeol grumbles forlornly and Baekhyun watches him fondly for a moment before letting out a breathy giggle and kissing his boyfriend’s pout away.

“And a kiss you shall get.” He simpers, eyes coyly watching Chanyeol’s beaming expression and momentarily recalling the same expression expressing itself on the night in the cherry blossom park. 

Gaze admiring and full of love, smile fond, unrestrained and so wide that his eyes crinkle adorably, and touch so gentle and careful, as if he’s afraid even just a little force might hurt his beloved, as if he wants to treasure this moment, his love forever, keep it locked, safe and sound so that he could relive it whenever he wants. Baekhyun knows that look. It’s the same look Chanyeol has had for the most part of three years, and it’s the look Baekhyun finds that can make him drown and fly at the same time, that can make him breathe and take away his breathing at the same time, and of course, it’s the look that makes Baekhyun feel alive and scared to be alive because of the contrasting reactions his body goes through every time he’s under that look.

It’s extraordinary, how Chanyeol can give him so much strength but still manage to be his weakness.

“You really don’t mind?” Baekhyun mutters, lips brushing against his boyfriend’s, and he hums back coyly at Chanyeol’s questioning hum, causing them to snicker. “Your clothes. You don’t mind me wearing them?”

“No!” Baekhyun barks out a sweet chuckle at Chanyeol’s reddened ears. “I mean, of course I wouldn’t mind, I just- can’t believe you would _want_ to wear my clothes.”

“Well,” Baekhyun drawls and hides his face in Chanyeol’s neck to hide his raging blush. “I _borrowed_ this shirt because I felt lonely one night when you were at the studio and didn’t come home, I kinda- um, this made me feel like you were with me, you know. I didn’t feel alone. Then I- That’s why I _forgot_ to return it.”

“Oh angel.” Chanyeol whispers, hugging the lithe body impossibly closer to him as he buries his nose in Baekhyun’s raven hair, and Baekhyun giggles at the sensation. “You have me now baby, you’re not alone anymore, and I’ll always be with you, always. But if you want, you’re more than welcome to _borrow_ my clothes, and I won’t mind if you _forgot_ to return them either.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Baekhyun breathes, a sleepy grin on his face as Chanyeol starts to slowly sway them from side to side again.

 

 

Apparently Chanyeol had gone out to buy ice-cream since Minseok had eaten through the very last of it the night before, and of course Chanyeol would probably have waited for the next two members on their shopping list to reload their pantry; ice-cream included, if it weren’t for Baekhyun whining dejectedly at an empty tub of ice-cream this morning. He hadn’t expected the little drive to the supermarket to take longer than usual, but an accident had caused unexpected traffic, hence his delay, and realizing that he won’t make it back in time to make Baekhyun his late meal and dinner for the guys, Chanyeol had ordered a wide array of food from the restaurant EXO frequents. Baekhyun relishes Chanyeol’s thoughtfulness, appeased of the fact that the food would be delivered just in time when the members arrive, and affectionately reassures Chanyeol that pancakes and ice-cream are more than enough for the two of them for their late meal.

After gobbling down the pancakes with an unhealthy amount of maple syrup, they snuggle into the couch, leaving not even a hairsbreadth of distance between their bodies as Chanyeol lays down and hugs Baekhyun into his chest, Baekhyun nursing a small tub of mango ice-cream on his lap. A sitcom plays on the flat screen in front of them, which neither of them pay much attention to, instead basking in the presence of each other as they talk in hushed whispers about a certain phone call Chanyeol had received from his sister. Baekhyun giggles at Yoora’s apparent enthusiasm over wanting to see him and at her demands for Chanyeol to make the best of their days of rest and arranging a little meeting for her to officially meet her little brother’s _sweet_ boyfriend; Baekhyun chuckles heartily at that.

Before long the members pile in one after one, their tasks for the day completed, and the boys, evidently exhausted after a long tiring day, plop down on the sofas and any other available spot, sending teasing looks and remarks at the couple snuggled up in the couch. Baekhyun of course tries to wiggle himself a reasonable distance away from Chanyeol since he’s still not used to being affectionate and close to Chanyeol with their friends watching, but Chanyeol doesn’t let him move an inch. He had given Baekhyun space when he needed it without question during these past three days but this time Chanyeol tightens his hold more, wrapping the blanket that had been neglected around them, and Baekhyun is beyond confused until he feels Chanyeol’s warm hand brushing against his naked thighs. He flushes down to his neck in realization and of Chanyeol’s sudden act of consideration which is verging on possessiveness; if Baekhyun were to be honest, and there’s no doubt that the others didn’t notice his flustered state but thankfully they don’t comment on it.

The food arrive just in time as Zitao and Jongin emerge from the bathrooms as the last members to shower, and they dig in after thanking Chanyeol for his consideration, and continue to fill him and Baekhyun in of the events that took place in the day. It’s in the middle of Jongdae’s hilarious narration about Sehun’s pants ripping by doing an impossible split when an unexpected guest shows up.

“Hey guys, um, no time to chit chat, sorry.” Minwoo, who had not-so-subtly barged in when Kyungsoo had opened the door, rushes out, his expression worn and anxious, and Baekhyun notices the tremble in their manager’s hands when his gaze falls on Baekhyun and Chanyeol. “Mr. Lee wants to meet you two, and guys, it doesn’t look good.”

“What do you mean ‘it doesn’t look good?’ What’s going on?” Yifan probes demandingly, straightening himself on the loveseat.

“I don’t know, he wouldn’t tell me.” Minwoo sighs, clearly burdened. “But he looked hella pissed so it’s probably best if we hurried up don’t you think?”

“It’s about the- the _incident._ ” Baekhyun meekly mutters, prying himself away from Chanyeol’s arms and standing up, Chanyeol following suit. “We knew this was inevitable, and we’re ready to face it so let’s get it over with.”

“Good, let’s go.” Stuffing one last chicken roll in his mouth, Joonmyun rises to his feet, already making his way to where Minwoo stands at the end of the hallway.

“Hyung, you don’t have to come with us. We can handle it.” Chanyeol is quick to protest.

“Like hell.” Joonmyun scoffs. “I’m the leader, whatever happens I have to be there. I’m not sending you to the lion’s den without proper protection, sorry Minwoo.”

“Apology not accepted. Now you two, go change!” Minwoo points at Chanyeol and Baekhyun who’s still hovering in the living-room, and tilts his head, his eyes going wide as he properly takes in Baekhyun’s outfit; teasing snickers erupt around the room. “And um- preferably to a less _revealing_ set of clothes, if you will, that’d be much appreciated.”

 

 

 

Barely an hour later, the four of them find themselves in the SM building, inside an elevator which takes them straight into the lobby of the CEO’s office.

The entire time, including the car ride, everyone had been silent, a palpable tension enveloping them in a stifling blanket which had thickened the more they neared their destination. Joonmyun and Minwoo had tried their best to remain unnerved and unbothered, but the constant gulping and shaky eyes hadn’t gone unnoticed by Baekhyun who hadn’t been better himself, what with the impending signs of another anxiety attack which he tries his best to will down. But he should’ve known that it doesn’t work that way, and that the attack is the inevitable breakdown from the calm and safety he had been living in for the past three days.

The assistant barely glances up when they arrive, merely inclines her head towards the huge Mahogany door, and regarding it, Baekhyun is suddenly swarmed by an unpleasant memory of a time when he was driven by the demons in his mind. He had made a poor decision that night, one that fortunately hadn’t backfired on him, but considering everything that had happened, everything that he holds himself responsible for, he dreads what awaits them behind that door, and furthermore, he fears his disordered mind would make a decision or a statement that would land themselves in more trouble than they’re in currently.

The doors open and Chanyeol must’ve sensed his unrest, as he always does somehow, thus he places a reassuring hand on the small of Baekhyun’s back as he guides him inside, its warmth calming his nervousness to some extent as he smiles at Chanyeol gratefully. The interior is the same as he remembers, only a few adjustments here and there, the plants and flowers enlivening the bland décor of grey and white, and through their thick fragrances that dull Baekhyun’s senses, he notices the CEO sat on a lush recliner, his figure powerful and imposing. Just the sight of him increases Baekhyun’s heartbeat in trepidation, and he makes a point of avoiding the CEO’s eyes when they take their seats in tense silence.

Conversation flows after the greetings are out of the way; at least on one side since the CEO remains silent the whole time as Minwoo and Joonmyun, and occasionally Chanyeol explain to him the causes of what had transpired. Of course they don’t reveal the truth; merely a twisted version of what really happened, and even though Baekhyun is familiar with the lie they all have concocted, having it drilled into his memory by the lot of his friends, he remains quiet and still, fearing that if he were to open his mouth, he would jeopardize the entire plan. Nonetheless he nods along to some of the statements to show that he’s actually invested in the conversation, but the more time drags on, the more anxious he becomes under the hard gaze of the CEO, his heart thundering inside his ribcage so violently that he fears it might leap out.

Soon enough the room drowns in silence once again, tense as ever, and Baekhyun belatedly realizes that their side of story had finished being narrated. Raising his head from where he had been staring at his lap, he glances about the room, regarding the drained yet hopeful faces of Minwoo, Joonmyun and Chanyeol, and the still stoic face of the CEO, and he hopes; he so desperately hopes that he won’t be subjected to a questioning. But what he does get subjected to, is something he had never expected and at the same time, something he had always known deep down that would be revealed, sooner or later.

“You expect me to believe that.” The silence is broken by a steely voice, authoritative and indifferent, and it unsettles Baekhyun as well as the others who flinch slightly. “You expect me to believe that Baekhyun couldn’t handle the pressure and decided to take his own life.”

“That- It’s what happened sir.” Joonmyun seems rattled at the abrupt question but he maintains his professional expression, and continues. “All of EXO can vouch for that, so can the doctors.”

“I’m sure they can.” The CEO nods, eyes closed as he assesses in the information, and Baekhyun notices his hands forming tight fists on the armrests of the recliner.

Startling the four boys, he stands up abruptly, walking with unhurried steps over to his huge desk, littered with papers and files, a framed photo and a computer by the side, and grabbing the topmost manila envelope from a pile of files, the CEO returns to his seat. He doesn’t open the envelope for the longest time, merely glances at the cover with a steely gaze, his fingers nearly crushing the flimsy thing under his tight hold, and they sit; they wait, the tension suffocating them, eating away at them. Hands clammy and breath ragged, Baekhyun exhales shakily just as the CEO throws the envelope on the stool in front of them.

“I hope you have a good enough excuse for this as well.”

Despite his rising anxiety, Baekhyun is the one who picks up the folder, hands shaking as he leans back on the sofa with it in hand. He decides that it’s useless prolonging the reveal of whatever is inside, thus he opens the flap and tilts the envelope, flinching when half a dozen photos land on his lap. 

Baekhyun doesn’t remember much after that.

He remembers the startled gasp reverberating through the room as soon as the photos are revealed, whose, he doesn’t know nor care, remembers him hastily rising to his feet as soon as he realizes what the photos are, sending them flying to the floor, remembers his elevated heartbeat, panting breaths, choking gasps and quivering body as he backs up towards the door, the CEO’s knowing eyes intent on him the whole time, remembers Chanyeol reaching out for him but at that point Baekhyun is too far gone. 

Thus he turns around and dashes out the door, black dots blocking his vision as his heart burns inside him, in fact his whole body flares up with a searing heat, torturing him from inside out, knees wobbling as he falls to the ground, and all he wants right now is to fade away; to stop existing because he doesn’t have the willpower nor the strength to live on after this. He can’t bear to face the ones he has betrayed, the ones he has doomed; their careers and their hopes of success all turned to dust because of him, _only_ because of him, neither can he bear to face the truth; the ugly truth that had been rearing its head all this time, taunting him, weakening him, and it finally strikes, it finally strikes at his weakest moment, and he knows, deep down he _knows_ that there’s nothing else for him to do but accept it because the demons in his head had always been right.

They had always been right.

And as he succumbs to the darkness behind his eyes, the only thing running through his mind is that this time they’re more than right about Baekhyun not deserving happiness or love, that he’s a failure as a son, a friend, a lover and a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooo.......
> 
> Apparently I'm alive... _Surprise?_


End file.
